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Original poster

Scrapped Valentines Dinner

141 replies

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 20:06

Give me your views...what would you do?

It's been a busy few weeks. Home cooked meals every night, home cooked snacks for the kids, cooking from scratch, canning, preserving, sorting out our homestead, basically just super busy. I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen.

We are saving on money so we agreed we would get something nice for dinner tonight rather than pay a babysitter and go out somewhere. We didn't do gifts, just cards so I said to him, I will send you some money, can you go get us takeaway and I will get kids in to bed whilst you are away and get washed so we can sit down and have a nice meal together and also I wanted a fizzy drink with my dinner (I react to alcohol, so this is my treat and we had none in the house).

He said no, he didn't want take away and the car needed fuel so he couldn't go (there is a garage nearby, but he wanted to do this further afield where it's cheaper, he literally can't just put £10 in from the local fuel station for some reason, don't ask me why). So I said fine and started making some food, looking at a recipe and prepping. A while later he comes in and says "so what do you want from the takeaway?" This irritated me as I was already making dinner by this point. I said I am already making dinner as you said no to takeaway, he said "I was going to get YOU something and I am sure I can manage some" shrugged his shoulders, seemed briefly annoyed but headed back to the office. I convinced my older kids to settle down the little ones for bed and still in my grubby clothes, I went to the office to ask him if he can dish up dinner so I can get changed out my grubby clothes. He dished up dinner and set out a bottle of wine from the fridge - he knows I am allergic to wine, so I thought it was for him. I don't have anything else to drink in the house which is why I wanted take away to get some juice, so my only option is water. He gets irritated that I say I can't have the wine and will have water, sighs, grabs the wine bottle and says he will have water too then. I tell him to just enjoy the wine with his dinner and let me have the water, he ignores me and starts pouring out water for himself. So I end up just getting up and leaving as I literally was so irritated with the whole thing I no longer feel able to eat, especially with him.

I cannot understand this man.... I really do not get it. He said no to take away, so I cook, he says what do you want from the take away, knowing I am cooking, I say nothing because I am already making dinner, he puts out wine I can't drink, then when I say no to the wine, he refuses to drink it himself....

He kept saying he didn't understand and refused to eat unless I did. So it's scraped in to tubs in the fridge.

I am not even hungry anymore and wondering why I didn't just drive and get myself a take away and put £10 in the car from a local expensive garage because that would REALLY wind him up....

Valentines Day Fail!

OP posts:

DesertRose64 · 15/02/2023 08:34

Kentishbornknitter · 15/02/2023 07:19

@DesertRose64 canning and pickling are two different methods of preserving. Yes you can reuse old jars for pickles and jams but you cannot use pickle and jam jars for canning. Canning is done using special jars and new lids to withstand the pressure from the steam or boiling water and to prevent death from botulism.

Thank you

DesertRose64 · 15/02/2023 08:42

CrystalCoco · 15/02/2023 07:41

Braemar is pretty remote but it's not a 5 hour round trip to the nearest city / big supermarket

Show quote history

I honk the ref to Braemar was made by another poster who lives there/has friends living there.

DesertRose64 · 15/02/2023 08:43

Honk🙈. And perhaps the 5 hours quoted refers to shopping time also.

DesertRose64 · 15/02/2023 08:50

Anyhoo all of this talk of distance. Google tells me that the nearest Tesco to Braemar is 1.5 hours away in Aviemore so that woukd be a round trip of 3 hours at least.

Also, the nearest Morrisons to Braemar is in Arbroath, also 1.5 hours away.

For all we know the OP could live in the Shetlands or Outer Hebrides. Maybe even in Wales where there’s many a person living off the land.

Sunnydays0101 · 15/02/2023 09:23

Off topic -but if you get over-whelmed by all this canning effort, wouldn’t it be just easier to batch cook, portion and chuck in the freezer. Why the need to can curries, etc ??
How many children do you have that there needs to be, from what you describe, almost a constant production line of food preservation and cooking ? Surely there’s lots of time when you can just eat the canned food, so don’t need to spend hours cooking meals and snacks ? It sounds a life of drudgery centred around a mini kitchen factory.

feelingfree17 · 15/02/2023 09:39

Why do you dance to his every tune?

endoftheworldniteclub · 15/02/2023 09:50

Get a sodastream if you like fizzy drinks..

VictorStrand · 15/02/2023 09:53

theresstillbaileys · 15/02/2023 07:24

@VictorStrand Braemar

Thanks. I didn't realise that.

(OP sorry for the derail into Picassos)

NathanielSitsOnASpike · 15/02/2023 10:59

All this detail about homesteading and supermarkets is a red herring.

The crux of the story here is - you were tired and busy, you made a plan for how you wanted the evening to go, you asked him to complete x, y and z tasks to make that happen, he moaned / dragged his feet and spoiled things.

Either he didn't like the plan itself or took offence at the way you communicated it. Maybe he'd assumed something different was going to happen. Either way, he then decided to sabotage it by sulking/acting up.

It doesn't seem like a very healthy dynamic, with you running/organising everything like the super-efficient grown-up, and telling him what to do, then him acting like a sulky child in response.

How well do you communicate generally?

Popplcroft · 15/02/2023 11:13

@IClaudine that looks like they’ve called it a Homestead as a tourist selling point!

I guess op can call it a Homestead if she wants but it’s not an old English word. Its origin comes from the Homesteading act in the US in the 1800’s. In the UK we tend to say smallholding. Doesn’t really matter I guess

Popplcroft · 15/02/2023 11:15

Maybe it's not saved...why does it matter to you if it is or isn't? Sounds like you aren't heard much at home and feel the need to fulfil that need by being bitter and argumentative on an online forum..

you what op? You posted this thread. I answered. Why on Earth have you made these assumptions? I’m actually (v happily) single so I’m heard perfectly in my home!

Popplcroft · 15/02/2023 11:23

I've friends who live a 5 hour round trip to their nearest big supermarket, eg tesco extra rather than high street coop. Local takeaway is 30 mile round trip though there are a few village restaurants that would make you a take away. Compensations are you can see a Picasso in the village all year round, and the King or the Wales' having coffee in late summer

seeing Charles having a coffee occasionally would not make up for any of that!!!

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 15/02/2023 11:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Netcam · 15/02/2023 11:24

3487642l · 14/02/2023 22:45

Hi OP, this sounds very familiar to my own situation. It took me years to work out what was going on. It will be very hard for other people to understand because he isn't hitting you, calling you names or shouting at you. And the subtle emotional cruelty of his behaviour will also be harder for you to identify as harmful because he doesn't seem to be 'doing much'. But..

If he doesn't take any responsibility for the impact his behavior has on you then you have a one-way arrangement rather than a genuine 'relationship ' because the onus will always be on you to adapt to him and put up with whatever he chooses to dish out. This is emotional abuse. The difficulty is when you look up emotional abuse you will find examples of obvious abuse tactics like hitting/shouting etc which makes the subtlety of what you are experiencing seem like it isn't abusive in comparison.

I found Debbie Mirza's book The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist helpful. She has some you tube talks.

Feel free to PM me if you want some more resources.

Show quote history

Yes, my ex husband was like this too. I left when the kids were small. I am now married to a lovely man and there are none of these issues. We talk, get on, laugh together, listen and do our very best to be sensitive to each others' difficult bits. If there is a difference of opinion we communicate calmly, find a solution, move on and forget about it. This was impossible with my ex and I think whatever I had done this would have been the case.

HoleyShit · 15/02/2023 13:18

Your husband sounds hard work, stubborn and set in his ways - hence refusing to put £10 petrol in so he could get the takeaway.

Also passive aggressive re the wine and backtracking on the takeaway once you had already started cooking.

So yeah, all in all he's acted like a dick.

Oldandnonethewiserlol · 30/09/2023 22:55

Just seen this thread and your husband’s behaviour sounds just like my DH’s. Has your hubs been tested for ADHD?

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