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Original poster

Scrapped Valentines Dinner

141 replies

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 20:06

Give me your views...what would you do?

It's been a busy few weeks. Home cooked meals every night, home cooked snacks for the kids, cooking from scratch, canning, preserving, sorting out our homestead, basically just super busy. I am tired and absolutely sick of being in the kitchen.

We are saving on money so we agreed we would get something nice for dinner tonight rather than pay a babysitter and go out somewhere. We didn't do gifts, just cards so I said to him, I will send you some money, can you go get us takeaway and I will get kids in to bed whilst you are away and get washed so we can sit down and have a nice meal together and also I wanted a fizzy drink with my dinner (I react to alcohol, so this is my treat and we had none in the house).

He said no, he didn't want take away and the car needed fuel so he couldn't go (there is a garage nearby, but he wanted to do this further afield where it's cheaper, he literally can't just put £10 in from the local fuel station for some reason, don't ask me why). So I said fine and started making some food, looking at a recipe and prepping. A while later he comes in and says "so what do you want from the takeaway?" This irritated me as I was already making dinner by this point. I said I am already making dinner as you said no to takeaway, he said "I was going to get YOU something and I am sure I can manage some" shrugged his shoulders, seemed briefly annoyed but headed back to the office. I convinced my older kids to settle down the little ones for bed and still in my grubby clothes, I went to the office to ask him if he can dish up dinner so I can get changed out my grubby clothes. He dished up dinner and set out a bottle of wine from the fridge - he knows I am allergic to wine, so I thought it was for him. I don't have anything else to drink in the house which is why I wanted take away to get some juice, so my only option is water. He gets irritated that I say I can't have the wine and will have water, sighs, grabs the wine bottle and says he will have water too then. I tell him to just enjoy the wine with his dinner and let me have the water, he ignores me and starts pouring out water for himself. So I end up just getting up and leaving as I literally was so irritated with the whole thing I no longer feel able to eat, especially with him.

I cannot understand this man.... I really do not get it. He said no to take away, so I cook, he says what do you want from the take away, knowing I am cooking, I say nothing because I am already making dinner, he puts out wine I can't drink, then when I say no to the wine, he refuses to drink it himself....

He kept saying he didn't understand and refused to eat unless I did. So it's scraped in to tubs in the fridge.

I am not even hungry anymore and wondering why I didn't just drive and get myself a take away and put £10 in the car from a local expensive garage because that would REALLY wind him up....

Valentines Day Fail!

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:21

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:20

well, I thought you were UK as you talk about £ but apparently other posters thought that might be Egyptian pounds, or South Sudanese

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Does it even matter where we are 😂 how strange...

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 14/02/2023 22:22

When you say 'homestead' do you mean a smallholding?

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:23

My diagnosis is that you two don't have anything else to do and spend all day on the homestead canning things - enough to drive anyone round the bend.

Baiting you has obviously become his hobby.

He is deliberately doing these things. I haven't read the book another poster suggested but I bet it's worth a read.

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:26

trythisforsize · 14/02/2023 22:20

I thought the whole point of takeaway is that they deliver. So why the petrol problem?

It just sounds like you both left it too late to get an agreement, frazzled with all the work and now resentful that it didn't work out. My and my best friend always often remind each other of the perils of having expectations that we actually never told our partner about and then blame them when they didn't do the thing we wanted deep down. It's a silent killer for sure.
Do a nice thing tomorrow instead. Valentines Day is a pile of old crap. Way too much pressure to get it right. Have your own special Wednesday instead.

They don't deliver to our location, so we need to drive to the nearest town. Around 50 minute round trip, not too far in the grand scheme of things and it's always a special treat when we do it.

You talk so much sense, I was resentful by the time it came to dinner! I should have made clear plans but admittedly, I was hoping to cook something nice if I wasn't too tired and the takeaway was a back up. None of that was communicated and I should have told him I really wasn't up for cooking when he didn't want to get take away, instead of just doing it anyway and being peeved.

Thank you for this

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:28

MichelleScarn · 14/02/2023 22:22

When you say 'homestead' do you mean a smallholding?

Homestead & Small Holdings are the same thing

OP posts:
Millana · 14/02/2023 22:29

How do you keep your takeaway warm and non congealed for 25mins when driving back from the restaurant?

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:32

ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 22:23

My diagnosis is that you two don't have anything else to do and spend all day on the homestead canning things - enough to drive anyone round the bend.

Baiting you has obviously become his hobby.

He is deliberately doing these things. I haven't read the book another poster suggested but I bet it's worth a read.

Do you really think he done it on purpose? He seems legit confused about the whole thing.

We both work, have friends, social lifes, hobbies, we don't spend all day canning 😂

OP posts:
MargotMoon · 14/02/2023 22:33

Fuck me, there's some wilful derailing on this thread.

I hope you manage to get some respite and enjoyable time with your DH soon @covertcuddler

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:34

Millana · 14/02/2023 22:29

How do you keep your takeaway warm and non congealed for 25mins when driving back from the restaurant?

Haha, we have heated seats and an insulated food bag. If you can get the restaurant to wrap in tinfoil too, it tends to stay perfectly warm. Otherwise you need to ping it, which isn't great 👎🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:35

MargotMoon · 14/02/2023 22:33

Fuck me, there's some wilful derailing on this thread.

I hope you manage to get some respite and enjoyable time with your DH soon @covertcuddler

Not going to lie, the derailing has certainly entertained me this evening! We ended up getting the takeaway, albeit late ;-) valentines saved this year. Thank you!

OP posts:
trythisforsize · 14/02/2023 22:36

yey!

and your fizzy?

Happy valentines!

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:38

trythisforsize · 14/02/2023 22:36

yey!

and your fizzy?

Happy valentines!

And an ice cold coke ;-) Thank you! Happy Valentines!

OP posts:
Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:39

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:38

And an ice cold coke ;-) Thank you! Happy Valentines!

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Plus there is dinner in the fridge for tomorrow, ha! 😂😂😂

OP posts:
3487642l · 14/02/2023 22:45

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 21:53

Yes, unfortunately it is very typical and he never sees what's wrong with it and it always ends up being my fault for being too sensitive or confusing or something else

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Hi OP, this sounds very familiar to my own situation. It took me years to work out what was going on. It will be very hard for other people to understand because he isn't hitting you, calling you names or shouting at you. And the subtle emotional cruelty of his behaviour will also be harder for you to identify as harmful because he doesn't seem to be 'doing much'. But..

If he doesn't take any responsibility for the impact his behavior has on you then you have a one-way arrangement rather than a genuine 'relationship ' because the onus will always be on you to adapt to him and put up with whatever he chooses to dish out. This is emotional abuse. The difficulty is when you look up emotional abuse you will find examples of obvious abuse tactics like hitting/shouting etc which makes the subtlety of what you are experiencing seem like it isn't abusive in comparison.

I found Debbie Mirza's book The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist helpful. She has some you tube talks.

Feel free to PM me if you want some more resources.

NovelFarmer · 14/02/2023 22:45

I would say you read the situation wrong.
With the water he was trying to be kind. Like not eating a cake full of cream and butter in front of someone lactose intolerant.

With the takeaway, he probably hadn’t realised you needed a break and he simply prefers your cooking to takeaway. Once he had time to think and because he wanted you to be happy he was going to get the takeaway.
But you just passive aggressively started cooking, spoiling the mood.

largeprintagathachristie · 14/02/2023 22:46

Homesteading is giving me Little House on the Prairie vibes.

Or modern day conspiracy theorists in remotest, rural Texas, isolated in the middle of a gigantic ranch.

Or a family living in on a farm in the Australian outback.

Not somewhere in the UK with shops and takeaways and petrol stations.

I know it’s not the point of your post at all and I wish you well and I’m sorry your evening didn’t go how you wanted it to.

Popplcroft · 14/02/2023 22:48

Your relationship is over. Make plans

Popplcroft · 14/02/2023 22:56

Homesteading is an American thing. It means running a piece of public land to live off of

im more confused how it’s a 5 hour round trip to a supermarket yet 50 mins to numerous restaurants and takeaways. In the UK 2.5 hours gets you to a major city

TheCatterall · 14/02/2023 22:58

@covertcuddler glad the day was saved in the end with the takeaway!

Do I have to go to the naughty step if I ask for any recommendations for canning in the U.K. on a low/very low budget? Trying to find where to start but much is US based and big outlays.

Original poster
covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:59

NovelFarmer · 14/02/2023 22:45

I would say you read the situation wrong.
With the water he was trying to be kind. Like not eating a cake full of cream and butter in front of someone lactose intolerant.

With the takeaway, he probably hadn’t realised you needed a break and he simply prefers your cooking to takeaway. Once he had time to think and because he wanted you to be happy he was going to get the takeaway.
But you just passive aggressively started cooking, spoiling the mood.

I am no expert and I certainly don't deny being passive aggressive sometimes, most of us do it from time to time - but I disagree with the kind gesture - he would never normally hold off on drinking because I can't. He knows I can't drink, so he would ordinarily get me something non-alcoholic, not wine and there has never been an issue with this. This night, he brought out the wine and tried to give me some knowing I would need to refuse it and then he made a big point of drinking water instead, because I refused (rather than picking water in the first place or saying, actually I don't fancy wine). He would never normally do this, wine goes out with dinner regularly and it's never been a problem me not drinking it before.

I went and got the take away, I made myself happy lol

OP posts:
ArcticSkewer · 14/02/2023 23:01

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:32

Do you really think he done it on purpose? He seems legit confused about the whole thing.

We both work, have friends, social lifes, hobbies, we don't spend all day canning 😂

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Yes I do think he is doing it deliberately. You are just used to it.
Check out a few of the links from other posters

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 14/02/2023 23:03

Why did you even need a takeaway when you have all that canned stuff that just needs reheating?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 23:03

covertcuddler · 14/02/2023 22:16

There are shops, takeaways, banks, restaurants, pubs - not sure why people are confused...

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I think you need an AMA 😂😂

HoboHotel · 14/02/2023 23:04

5 hours to the supermarket and back? What?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/02/2023 23:07

NovelFarmer · 14/02/2023 22:45

I would say you read the situation wrong.
With the water he was trying to be kind. Like not eating a cake full of cream and butter in front of someone lactose intolerant.

With the takeaway, he probably hadn’t realised you needed a break and he simply prefers your cooking to takeaway. Once he had time to think and because he wanted you to be happy he was going to get the takeaway.
But you just passive aggressively started cooking, spoiling the mood.

So you'd bring a cream cake out, offer the person you know is lactose intolerant a slice, and then make a show of putting it away? Because that's basically what he's done.

Offered her something he KNOWS she's allergic to, knowing she'd say no, just so he can make a performacne of going without

@covertcuddler are you happy in this relationship?

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