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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:

GrazingSheep · 10/02/2023 14:58

Run. Far away.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/02/2023 14:58

I’d throw this one back. You don’t need his bullshit in your life, and he needs to work whatever he has going on out with a therapist.

WhiskersPete · 10/02/2023 15:00

No. No. No. 🚩 all over this one! Get out now while you still can.

Hbh17 · 10/02/2023 15:08

Suffocating & worrying. I could not be with someone who behaved like this.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/02/2023 15:10

Nope! thank you, next! Suffocating will become controlling.

You are not responsible for someone else's inability to manage or seek support for their mental health needs.

Now can we time travel back and you tell me this twenty years ago please!

AnotherRandomMale · 10/02/2023 15:13

You sound reasonable, he sounds like he suffers from attachment issues and anxiety and is in need of professional help.

Doesn't make him a bad person, but he needs to be proactively dealing with that if you two are going to have a future together. You aren't his emotional life raft.

Buymyselfflowers · 10/02/2023 15:13

Well that’s a bit much isn’t it?

Orangeis · 10/02/2023 15:14

Fuck no. Please don't let this man in to your children's lives, he will be jealous of them and try and push them out.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/02/2023 15:17

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong.

How has your fanny not sealed itself shut?

If he was a woman acting like this, he'd be called a princess or a drama queen. I don't know what you call a man like this... apart from, YOUR EX! <zing>

Worldgonecrazy · 10/02/2023 15:19

He is a manipulative arsehole! Run as fast as you can, and be prepared for some crazy behaviour from him which may well include threats of suicide. He sounds very unbalanced.

Commonsensitivity · 10/02/2023 15:20

No way...

Notsuchaniceguy · 10/02/2023 15:21

Agree that control will be the next phase. It may not be a plan he has in his mind right now so not conscious malice but this level of need will end up that way. He may not be aware he does it, it may be his normal or lived experience but it will happen.

At a minimum, set your boundaries. It's possible he may be able to come to accept them- he learns and grows. But unless it happens very quickly you become his therapist not his partner - which is a recipe for disaster.

That said it sounds like he won't be able to change easily. So the next step after he cannot respect a boundary is leave.

ZekeZeke · 10/02/2023 15:23

He sounds needy and manipulative. Run, don't walk.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/02/2023 15:24

OnthegoAlways

re your comment:
"He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else"

He has got more red flags about him than are present at a Communist Party Committee Meeting!. Such intensity is a huge red flag and one here you cannot ignore nor minimise. You are a person in your own right, not his support human and you must not become his support human either.

If you think he is a good person think again. Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous poor relationships, are being done over again by this man and so you have not spotted the red flags present. Good people do not act like this; controlling and loser types do. He needs to be dumped by you as soon as possible.

Do read this article as well particularly the section about ending the relationship

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/02/2023 15:26

No sex is worth this.

Spottycarousel · 10/02/2023 15:27

He sounds massively needy and it will only get worse. He will probably become very possessive of you and jealous of your other priorities. Not a good sign.

HScully · 10/02/2023 15:27

Red Flags all over this:

"The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly."

"He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way"

Typical behaviours of someone who will then become controlling. It is hard to see at the moment because he is love bombing you. He probably doesn't even realise he does it or that its wrong " its because he loves you so much"

Run OP trust your instincts, you sound like you have your head screwed on, a partner should be an addition to your current life style - not take over it,

Travelfan2021 · 10/02/2023 15:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

idonotmind · 10/02/2023 15:32

Run Forrest, run!!!!!

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/02/2023 15:32

Fuck. No. Run op, far away. Insecure, controlling, ugh! This is not a man who will be accepting of the other parts of your life… and you have kids to consider.

ShandaLear · 10/02/2023 15:33

RUUUUUUUN
You———————————————> The hills

idonotmind · 10/02/2023 15:33

I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings,

Not good

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 10/02/2023 15:34

This rings bells with me and I promise you it will get worse and worse and harder and harder to extricate yourself. Act now. I wish I had. It took me such a long time to get free and I was so relieved when I did. Finish it for your own well-bring.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 10/02/2023 15:35

If he's like this now, what the hell is he going to be like in the future?

He'll suffocate you OP, he'll isolate you from your friends and family until there's noone left but him, and then you'll really struggle to get out. Run away now before it's too late

BitOutOfPractice · 10/02/2023 15:35

"He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong."

You can surely hear how manipulative that is can't you?

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