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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/02/2023 22:37

Sadly, often when these threads pop up. The op disappears and I usually assume they've ignored all of the advice given to them

OnaBegonia · 10/02/2023 22:53

but he developed an addiction to masturbating
he felt you had to know this?
jesus wept he's enough to make your fanny close over 🤢🤢

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 23:52

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 19:54

For example, when I changed plans with my best friend and he took it personally. Or he asked about my sexual past, and was very upset because he feels he couldn't match what I've done in the past or worried that I'd want to involve other people in our sex life (I have told him very clearly that not being able to have threesomes again is absolutely not a deal breaker for me and something I am fine leaving in my 20s), there have been a couple of times he's been upset that I have wanted to spend an evening alone. These are just a few examples. I'm not planning to, but he told me he'd be jealous if I went out out, and I arranged to see an old friend and felt worried about telling him, although he was okay about it as he's working anyway.

But, he does reflect, and he does apologise. But I agree, it's a slippery slope and he is already openly possessive of me. I can see it getting worse.

If I am upsetting him because I lack enough time and not willing to compromise on introducing him to my children, maybe I'm just not for him anyway. We are quite different people anyway. It's sad in some ways as he's always happy to listen to me and I know he'd do anything for me, I just can't shake this feeling.

His last relationship lasted longer than a decade, but he developed an addiction to masturbating and they ended living like flat mates for the last 5/6 years, according to him.

OP this is fucking bag shit. Throw him back! This isn’t normal!

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 11/02/2023 00:04

m.sundayworld.com/news/irish-news/enoch-burke-inspires-hilarious-valentines-day-cards/1799697294.html

Don't be surprised if you get this 🖕 Valentines Day card from your intense lover.

CamillasToe · 11/02/2023 00:17

Oh please don't be one of those people who know deep down that something's not quite right.. but just keep giving it more and more time regardless.

You know, come on admit it to yourself. He's not a keeper.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 11/02/2023 02:13

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 19:54

For example, when I changed plans with my best friend and he took it personally. Or he asked about my sexual past, and was very upset because he feels he couldn't match what I've done in the past or worried that I'd want to involve other people in our sex life (I have told him very clearly that not being able to have threesomes again is absolutely not a deal breaker for me and something I am fine leaving in my 20s), there have been a couple of times he's been upset that I have wanted to spend an evening alone. These are just a few examples. I'm not planning to, but he told me he'd be jealous if I went out out, and I arranged to see an old friend and felt worried about telling him, although he was okay about it as he's working anyway.

But, he does reflect, and he does apologise. But I agree, it's a slippery slope and he is already openly possessive of me. I can see it getting worse.

If I am upsetting him because I lack enough time and not willing to compromise on introducing him to my children, maybe I'm just not for him anyway. We are quite different people anyway. It's sad in some ways as he's always happy to listen to me and I know he'd do anything for me, I just can't shake this feeling.

His last relationship lasted longer than a decade, but he developed an addiction to masturbating and they ended living like flat mates for the last 5/6 years, according to him.

Why does none of this disturb you?

Flashingtealights · 11/02/2023 03:23

I agree with every other poster on here . Honest to god, if you stay in this relationship with a man who has this many issues, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain. It’s not going to get any easier , it’s going to get much worse, and by then you may have introduced him to your children. Each post gets progressively worse. You have 2 children, stay with him and you will have 3. Just run, ffs, and don’t look back

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 11/02/2023 06:40

Everyone has advised the same thing, and I know its right, I wouldn't have posted if I was just happy plodding along.

It's still sad because I have feelings for him, and perhaps worse, I've invested time and energy into someone not right again. I've done a lot of work on myself trying to build myself up, set boundaries, I've turned down other men because I listened to myself, but he comes along and I've pushed back boundaries for him. It feels like some of that trust I put in myself to choose wisely is gone. I've been single for 6 years, and it's been okay, but this last year because of everything that has gone on, I've never felt so single. I am very independent and tenacious because I have to be, but ffs I'd like to come home to someone now!

I spoke to him last night about how he reacted to something yesterday that was trivial and nothing. He was very apologetic and says he feels intimidated by me sometimes and doesn't know how to react (he had nothing to react to) because he doesn't want to lose me.

I know what I need to do. He's told all his family and friends about me, which makes me feel worse, but I can't have this in my life. I just want to feel safe and stable.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 11/02/2023 06:42

I would find this stiffling

Zanatdy · 11/02/2023 06:50

This sounds very stressful. I’m 3 months (almost) into a new relationship and like you the first for me in years as I’ve been single since I split with father of DC. Largely as he has been working overseas majority of last 10yrs and I’ve no family so had to wait for my children to grow up before I could date.

My BF has 100% custody of 2 small children, and their mother isn’t around much though is starting to see them gradually so hope of this changing. So we usually have an evening together (overnight if my ex is around as youngest DC only 15 so don’t leave her overnight) every 10 days or so, and then usually see each other for a quick lunch break in between. So it’s quite tough, but I put zero pressure on him. I’ve been there in his position and understand. His parents are in their 80’s, and he doesn’t have a lot of other help. Things will change when I meet the kids but that’s months away. It is hard, don’t get me wrong, and I sometimes think I should be with someone who is at the same stage as me, and can go out every evening if need be. But I don’t want that. I haven’t been interested at all in men until he came along, he’s everything I want in a guy so I have to play the long game.

I would consider how things could go long term with this guy. I have an older son and the reason my ex and I split was because he fell out with my son, then 16. He was jealous of our relationship, he’s admitted that to me, and said he acted completely inappropriately, but he felt like second best as my son came before him. Some men just can’t cope with being second best. But that’s how it is when you have kids. I wish I’d never have got with him, but of course wouldn’t have had my youngest DC. Just be careful, I’d be gone in an instant if my current bf shows any signs of being jealous of my relationship with my DC.

Ladybug14 · 11/02/2023 07:14

He feels intimidated by you?

So his behaviour is your fault?

What an arse he is

Ladybug14 · 11/02/2023 07:15

And you're right. You've invested time and effort ...... don't waste any more 🤣

autienotnaughty · 11/02/2023 07:19

You are in different places in life. You need to prioritise your kids /family life. He seems to need more than you can realistically give. I would let go now.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 11/02/2023 07:20

He s intimidated by you, because even he knows you are too good for him. The only way he can hold onto you is via coercion, emotional blackmail.

This will not end well. Reduce the collateral damage by ending it sooner rather than later.

Thepossibility · 11/02/2023 07:35

No! No!
He's a huuuuge red flag! The whole man. All that emotional bullshit because you're not behaving exactly as he'd like?
NO!

pictoosh · 11/02/2023 07:35

He's not intimidated by you...that's a line. That's a line to flatter you into thinking you have the upper hand while he's just a poor wee boy at your mercy.
He doesn't get testy about you making arrangements with friends because he's intimidated...he does that because he's controlling. He might dress it up another way to explain his behaviour and garner sympathy but a spade is a spade for all that.
He's not intimidated.

RoseMarigoldViolet · 11/02/2023 07:39

If you were my friend, op, I would suggest walking away. There are so many red flags in your post. Prioritise your children and finding someone who is more healthy and stable.

CoorieIn · 11/02/2023 07:52

Personally I think you should do both of you a favour and end it now. He will likely only get more intense and it's not for you.

You haven't lost your boundaries, you've realised you are somewhere you don't want to be and are wanting to re-establish them.

I will warn you though, from a past experience of dating a man like this, he will possibly throw you through a loop when you end it. Declaring that he can't cope/live without you etc. I'd expect a huge dose of attempted emotional manipulation. If he does, please just block him and move on.

LookingOldTheseDays · 11/02/2023 07:55

I will warn you though, from a past experience of dating a man like this, he will possibly throw you through a loop when you end it. Declaring that he can't cope/live without you etc. I'd expect a huge dose of attempted emotional manipulation.

Yes, he will try to make you feel responsible for his emotions/actions after the breakup. Don't fall for it - it's pure manipulation, just like his behaviour to date.

"I'm intimidated by you" is such a clichéd line from this type of man. It's all bollocks.

MichelleScarn · 11/02/2023 07:58

As everyone has said, Run FAST! Or you'll find yourself needing to call him at evert break at work as he's 'worried about you/needs to check you're ok/is upset about something'. A drama will creep up every time you make any plans without him. Till your world shrinks to him and work only.

MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 11/02/2023 08:03

Run and fast, he is coming out of the love bombarding period to actively try to control you. Now is through making you feel bad, it will get worse.

You’ve got a really bad one. Run and stay away no matter what he says.

pictoosh · 11/02/2023 08:04

I agree. Using the word 'intimidating' sows the seed that you ought to be more accommodating and malleable, ie, prioritise his needs and wishes over your own. I don't think you're intimidating but he is manipulative.

pictoosh · 11/02/2023 08:14

You will never feel safe and stable with a man who has a hair-trigger temper and sees offence where there is none.

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 11/02/2023 08:16

Get rid. Asap. He will ruin your life

ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 11/02/2023 08:17

He will make your esteem low, doubt yourself, you'll become a person you don't recognise and don't wish to be. Please don't let this man in your children's lives xx

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