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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 10/02/2023 16:20

This guy is obviously not a good one. I think you need to have a think about why you are still dating him when he is behaving like this.

FenghuangHoyan · 10/02/2023 16:20

Like everyone else, this sounds wrong to me. Run away... Better still, drive.

DontStopMeNow7 · 10/02/2023 16:27

This is troubling. If you’re not ready to end it which I assume is the case otherwise why would you be here, then definitely keep your boundaries firmly. I.e: “It’s far too soon to even be mentioning, let alone thinking about marriage. It makes me uncomfortable so please stop” “It is too soon for either of us to be prioritising each other over everything else” “These are my boundaries and I’m absolutely not going to change them at this stage in our relationship; you don’t seem happy with that therefore you need to decide if you’re happy to stay with me or not”.

His response to this will tell you everything you need to know. Don’t take responsibility for his feelings and reactions. Keep your boundaries.

Nelly10 · 10/02/2023 16:28

Get rid before he meets your kids.

TheFireflies · 10/02/2023 16:38

At best (if you give him the benefit of the doubt) he is extraordinarily needy and demanding. He will take all your energy and be really, really hard work.

At worst, he is manipulative, controlling, potentially a sinister presence in yours and your DC's lives. I suspect it's this one.

Yep. And he says to you:

this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to.

I also suspect it’s the latter scenario. Either way, run, run, run.

Blessedwithsunshine · 10/02/2023 16:41

You have had a lucky escape if you end it now. I can’t imagine a future with such an unstable man. He needs professional help not a girlfriend.

monsteramunch · 10/02/2023 16:50

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong

You'd be mad to continue this relationship.

And irresponsible to do so if you have kids tbh, as you would be bringing into their orbit someone who makes their mum, at best, feel stressed, guilty and anxious. And at worst controlled and emotionally manipulated.

None of this benefits you or them.

Bin him off!

TheChoiceIsYours · 10/02/2023 16:56

This is horrifying to read. Run a mile from this scary little man for your children’s sake and please get some therapy before you date again, which will enable you to identify red flags and understand when a man needs to be kept a million miles away from you and your children.

He is a psycho in the making. Listen to what women who have been through this and ditch him firmly and fast before it starts to turn more sinister.

You need to protect your children and yourself and have a MUCH higher bar for anyone you allow into your life and theirs.

This man is bad news and it’s concerning you haven’t seen that and dumped him already. He is manipulative and possessive and will not appreciate coming second fiddle to your children (as any man should). Think hard about that, please.

Scarecrowrowboat · 10/02/2023 17:01

Sounds like my abusive ex. The over intense stuff at the beginning especially and the making you feel like you're doing something wrong all the time. I found the OTT pronouncements at the beginning a bit much but thought he was just someone who felt things intensely. It devolved into bullying, control freakery and abuse.

monsteramunch · 10/02/2023 17:02

TheChoiceIsYours · 10/02/2023 16:56

This is horrifying to read. Run a mile from this scary little man for your children’s sake and please get some therapy before you date again, which will enable you to identify red flags and understand when a man needs to be kept a million miles away from you and your children.

He is a psycho in the making. Listen to what women who have been through this and ditch him firmly and fast before it starts to turn more sinister.

You need to protect your children and yourself and have a MUCH higher bar for anyone you allow into your life and theirs.

This man is bad news and it’s concerning you haven’t seen that and dumped him already. He is manipulative and possessive and will not appreciate coming second fiddle to your children (as any man should). Think hard about that, please.

This is solid advice OP, please do take it on board Flowers

WeeOrcadian · 10/02/2023 17:07

YOU are making sense, he is not. Run. Do not introduce him to your children. Throw him back. This won't end well.

Oblomov23 · 10/02/2023 17:11

Run! Jesus, do you really need to ask? How can you not know this?

larchforest · 10/02/2023 17:11

Next it will be what you do, what you wear, where you go, who you see...

He won't be able to bear it, and will expect you to start prioritising him and his neediness over all else. How could you possibly want to go out with your friend for the evening and abandon him when he loves you soooo much, and all he wants is to be with you? See what I mean?

Pinkjacket22 · 10/02/2023 17:14

You feel strange about it as your instincts are telling you it's not right. Well done for not introducing him to your kids but he seems to want you all to himself and this will only get worse from my experience. It sounds like you have a great life and he's giving you stress.

this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to.

This really jumped out at me as well. I definitely wouldn't want this sort of person around my kids.

Well done for posting. You clearly know it's not right. I wish you well for the future. I would get rid of him soonest and I doubt he'll make it easy.

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 17:19

Thanks so much for all your responses.

When we are together, just him and I, it is lovely, and actually feels incredibly calm, most of the time. But I understand that that happens when I am able to focus on him. I can't imagine he would cope well in my 'real world'. I can't imagine the sulking. Its strange because I feel I should almost be thankful I have someone who is willing to prioritise me, but, and I hope I don't sound horrible, I have this niggle I could perhaps do better. Part of that is because he's also not willing or able to better himself, he doesn't like his job for example, but won't change it.

I had a very challenging year last year, my youngest has been diagnosed with ASD and my Grandmother almost died, I almost got promoted to a more senior role and increased to full Time hours. I wonder if I'm a bit worn down and allowing my boundaries to be crossed. My self esteem feels a bit low.

OP posts:
Tometoyou123 · 10/02/2023 17:21

Run for the hills!

tribpot · 10/02/2023 17:24

I feel I should almost be thankful I have someone who is willing to prioritise me
That's the feeling he's exploiting, and I would assume the reason why you are putting up with this.

bozzabollix · 10/02/2023 17:27

You’ve got kids already, do you need another?

Get out and fast, find a functioning person who isn’t being manipulative.

Bonbon21 · 10/02/2023 17:30

You dont need him and his issues..

He needs a therapist..

Sorchamarie · 10/02/2023 17:32

Echoing all the others in saying that you need to let this one go. At best he has mental health issues which he needs serious professional help for (you can't fix him!) and at worst his disturbing behaviour is a sign that he's really someone that could cause serious damage to you and your children (when you eventually let him met them). Please put your kids first and don't risk that happening.

Tinkerbyebye · 10/02/2023 17:49

Flags all over

Dump

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 17:53

It doesn’t sound right to me OP. Listen to your gut! If you continue seeing him, take things at YOUR PACE.

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 17:54

Bananalanacake · 10/02/2023 15:36

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't want him to meet your DC for at least another 6 months and you will not be living together for at least 5 years. His reaction will tell you everything.

Great suggestion.

Sucessinthenewyear · 10/02/2023 17:57

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 17:19

Thanks so much for all your responses.

When we are together, just him and I, it is lovely, and actually feels incredibly calm, most of the time. But I understand that that happens when I am able to focus on him. I can't imagine he would cope well in my 'real world'. I can't imagine the sulking. Its strange because I feel I should almost be thankful I have someone who is willing to prioritise me, but, and I hope I don't sound horrible, I have this niggle I could perhaps do better. Part of that is because he's also not willing or able to better himself, he doesn't like his job for example, but won't change it.

I had a very challenging year last year, my youngest has been diagnosed with ASD and my Grandmother almost died, I almost got promoted to a more senior role and increased to full Time hours. I wonder if I'm a bit worn down and allowing my boundaries to be crossed. My self esteem feels a bit low.

He isn’t prioritising you. He is prioritising HIS want to be with you and control you.

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 18:28

He's had long term relationships previously, but hasn't been single much, maybe 5/6 months.

I think there are definitely attachment issues. It's a shame. I'm also far from perfect and i clearly need to work on myself else i wouldnt end up in this situation.

I have heard from love bombing before, but he seems so genuine when he makes big proclamations of love, and they are consistent. I don't know if he genuinely believes it.

OP posts:
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