Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:

xfan · 10/02/2023 15:36

It's sad he has nobody else to think about apart from you (the latest girlfriend), why did his previous relationships fail (if he had any significant ones?)

AstroTurd · 10/02/2023 15:36

OP, your life sounds pretty much ideal without him in it.

Bananalanacake · 10/02/2023 15:36

Tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't want him to meet your DC for at least another 6 months and you will not be living together for at least 5 years. His reaction will tell you everything.

Stressfordays · 10/02/2023 15:39

I've recently left a man like this. It got to the point where I didn't want to see him at all, he made me cringe. I have such a busy life that I couldn't give him what he needed. Just split with him, he will soon move on. Hes obviously got co-dependency issues so he will have a new obsession soon. Men like that can't be alone.

Goatbilly · 10/02/2023 15:42

Stressfordays · 10/02/2023 15:39

Very well put about not being able to be alone

GCAcademic · 10/02/2023 15:42

Put him down and back away slowly. Then run. Nothing good will come of this relationship.

Mariposista · 10/02/2023 15:44

RUN RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Ugh, weak needy man. Don't let your kids anywhere near him.

perfectcolourfound · 10/02/2023 15:44

This is not good.

At best (if you give him the benefit of the doubt) he is extraordinarily needy and demanding. He will take all your energy and be really, really hard work.

At worst, he is manipulative, controlling, potentially a sinister presence in yours and your DC's lives. I suspect it's this one.

Either way, he isn't good news. He will no doubt start objecting to you spending time with your children. He'll expect to come before them. He'll guilt trip you and manipulate you and one day you'll find you're cancelling plans with friends because it isn't worth the aggro. You'll be walking on eggshells. You'll turn in to someone you don't know. You won't be the same mum you are now to your children.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/02/2023 15:48

I lived with someone like this many yearsago- initially it was quite flattering- by year 3 I felt very very trapped. End it OP- it doesn't get better

Daleksatemyshed · 10/02/2023 15:51

Crying, panic attacks, being sick are not the actions of a man in love Op, they're the reactions of a small child abandoned by their parent. You have your own DC whose needs come first and you and they need an emotionally healthy adult, not this man.
Break up with him, kindly but firmly, and don't let him change your mind because you'll be very sorry if you do

ButtOutBobsMum · 10/02/2023 15:52

You could make a bunting out of the number of red flags here! Get out while you can OP!

MissWings · 10/02/2023 15:53

Get gone!!

tribpot · 10/02/2023 15:54

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong.

Can you imagine ever behaving this way? No. This is either highly manipulative or he is such an emotionally fragile state he cannot possibly be in a functioning adult relationship. Or both.

Please research love bombing.

Choconut · 10/02/2023 15:55

Don't wait for it to get to the point where he's telling you that he'll commit suicide if you leave him. I'd say he's ticking boxes for possible BPD, he needs help and you can't save him.

purpledalmation · 10/02/2023 15:56

End this. It's not a healthy relationship

Hubblebubble · 10/02/2023 16:00

At best, he has a seriously insecure attachment style as a result of early childhood trauma and would benefit from proper therapy.

tattygrl · 10/02/2023 16:03

I'm not normally one to make a response as definitively as this, but I see red flags here and I advise you leave.

I was in a loooong relationship with lots of similarities to this. Tbf to myself I was young (relationship started in our late teens, ended in our early twenties), but looking back I should have left so much earlier than I did. He wanted to get married and have kids, would make comments apropos of nothing about how he'd never forgive me if I cheated, would say things like "if we break up there's no way I'd stay friends" (again, apropos of nothing), was very jealous, would sulk if I did things he didn't like (such as drinking a bottle or two of low-alcohol cider after work, or drank on NYE). I cannot describe the elated feeling of freedom I felt when I left him. I can still feel it now when I think about it!

My current relationship is very different and is built on foundations of freedom (for both myself and DP). I see warning signs here that you could end up in a similarly constricting, limiting, stressful and ick-causing relationship.

category12 · 10/02/2023 16:03

Crikey, op, this isn't healthy.

You have kids to think of, a man like this will probably end up jealous of the time and attention they need.

Ditch, ditch, ditch!

MaireadMcSweeney · 10/02/2023 16:07

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong

massive, massive red flag for a controlling abuser. Run!!

Nosleepforthismum · 10/02/2023 16:08

God, end it before he gets worse. He’s the type to make his mental health your issue to deal with and manage. Run far away. He should not be in any relationship and needs to work on whatever issues he’s got going on right now.

butterfliedtwo · 10/02/2023 16:09

Get away. Quickly.

notacooldad · 10/02/2023 16:12

I had one of them once. He absoutley adored me and put me above everything, even sneaking out of his work to come and see me if I was off.
At first I thought it was quite sweet that he adored me so much - I was young!
However I could soon see it was boiling over into something more sinister. He would ring me loads of times on my nights out with friends to 'make sure I was ok' I would be in a wine bar in the city or at the theatre. He would turn up at the end of my working day to my work place just to say hello. It got really suffocating and he wanted to spend every minute with me. I remember going to an outdoor shop to pick something up and my phone rang when I was in the car park and my heart sank. I was just about to tell him a lie and say I was out of town but I caught sight of him in my wing mirror walking to the car. I knew then it was over. I couldn't cope with the stress.
"The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly."
"He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way

My guy said all this as well. Everytime he tried to end it he said he couldn't live without me and I stayed a bit longer. We have been finished for years and funny enough he is still living and breathing and walking around the Calder Valley!

TibetanTerrah · 10/02/2023 16:15

Controlling behaviour can come in various forms. You see it a lot here when sulking and the silent treatment etc are used.

A more insidious (imo) manifestation of control is when it's portrayed as you "hurting" a "nice guy".

Before you know it you'll stop yourself doing perfectly ordinary things "in case they upset him."

It's still controlling and manipulative.

DestinysGrandchild · 10/02/2023 16:15

Please fucking leave. He's a nut case. 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

notacooldad · 10/02/2023 16:18

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.
I forgot to mention this in my last post. You are making perfect sense. Listen to your instinct and trust it. If you think something feels strange, then it is.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread