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Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 10/02/2023 18:31

This does not bode well op! Cut your losses and end it sooner than later. Red flags all over the place. You may have low self esteem but you're better than this - you know its not a good relationship or you wouldn't have posted.

bonzaitree · 10/02/2023 18:38

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 18:28

He's had long term relationships previously, but hasn't been single much, maybe 5/6 months.

I think there are definitely attachment issues. It's a shame. I'm also far from perfect and i clearly need to work on myself else i wouldnt end up in this situation.

I have heard from love bombing before, but he seems so genuine when he makes big proclamations of love, and they are consistent. I don't know if he genuinely believes it.

I’ve been with someone who was extremely needy and it was a nightmare. Relationship lasted like 3 months and I binned him off so quickly. He just thought I was cheating constantly, like you he said he wanted to marry me. After like 3 minths? How on earth would you know that?

DontStopMeNow7 · 10/02/2023 18:42

Despite my previous post, I do have to say I’ve been in relationships that started like this and one with a guy just like this. I tried to set boundaries and he cried and really played the victim. It was hard to imagine he didn’t care about me. It finally ended when on one occasion when we were alone and he expected to have my full attention; however, I wasn’t feeling well and needed a lie in, said no to sex. His response? He raped me. Then got super upset about it as though I’d done something wrong.

At a minimum increase your boundaries. His reactions to that will likely lead to a breakdown of the relationship anyway. Let us know how it goes…

DinaFox · 10/02/2023 18:46

You are not his priority. HE is his priority. It's all about his thoughts, his feelings and his needs. And things are lovely and calm as long as you do exactly what he wants. You are being trained I'm afraid.

Spottycarousel · 10/02/2023 18:48

Honestly, I got into a relationship with someone who started off just like this and it changed the course of my life for the worst.

Please don't do it. I know it's flattering when you have low self esteem but these guys are manipulators. You don't even realise you're being manipulated as they do it in such a way that you feel guilty and sorry for them and/or completely love bombed.

I would give anything to turn back 21 years and tell him a firm no and goodbye.

Backstreets · 10/02/2023 18:51

He needs therapy and you don’t need the headache!! Run

Keepingthingsinteresting · 10/02/2023 18:58

He probably does believe it OP, but it’s not ‘normal’, secure love. Please leave,it only gets worse and will knock you even more even if you can get out. I recommend ‘why does he do that? ‘ by Lundy Banks and maybe the freedom program. Take care- you deserve better!

Tillow4ever · 10/02/2023 19:05

OP, I am SHIT at spotting red flags in people. I give the benefit of the doubt, I trust too much, I give too many chances, etc. Even I can see the million red flags this guy is waving at you!

I know you probably feel very loved by this guy- but it's going to suffocate you and cut you off from everyone eventually. Please get out now what it's still relatively new - at 6 months you should just be having fun and laughing, not him getting upset and manipulating you by getting upset etc.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/02/2023 19:07

Bin him the fuck off. Do not let him meet your kids, more for their sake then yours. If you're unsure, wait until you are.

I've recently had this. He was a liar and a cheat. Used everything you said followed the same timelines everything. Told me I was the only he's ever felt this way for, stunning, amazing person, loved me completely, had recently ended a long term relationship, only one to truly understand him, only true connection he ever had, wanted kids desperately, I was his one and only priority...until I wasn't. Found out he WAS cheating on me for at least 4/5 months. Ghosted me days before Xmas because he was clearly with his new love etc. I was devastated.

Anytime, we had a disagreement the control would start, the gaslighting, bare faced lies (which I didn't know were lies at the time) the guilt tripping. In the end I actually felt sorry for him but I was so fucked by it. I didn't know what was left or right, up or down and in the end he made me feel like my paranoia about our relationship was because of me and my projecting.

He met my kid, early on. He pushed for it and pushed almost felt like an ultimatum. Meet the kid then and there or it meant I wasn't serious about moving forward. Worst relationship of my life and my biggest regret .

Don't make my mistakes.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/02/2023 19:13

And my self esteem was rock bottom when i met him. I didnt realise how needy and vulnerable I was. I craved the attention he gave me. It was like a drug. I was addicted to him and his flattery. He made sure he made me feel amazing in every single way. Best he ever had in bed, aming body, never been so attracted to anyone else, got him there quicker than anyone, etc etc etc.

He was a small dicked controlling asshole. He knew exactly what the say and when to say it.

In the end my self esteem was the worst its ever been. Its only now weeks later, I'm realising how free I am and how much I don't give a flying fuck about him. He could be dead for all I care.

These men are dangerous.

Sickofcoughing · 10/02/2023 19:16

Here's the thing OP, being wanted is lovely because it's about you but being needed (right from the beginning) is ick inducing because it's about them and what they're missing in their life.

You should admire and respect a new partner not feel guilty because you're not grateful for their misplaced adoration.

His behaviour is highly manipulative by the way and if you stay with him it wouldn't be long before you found yourself in a highly controlled relationship.

Monr0e · 10/02/2023 19:21

You haven't realised you have done anything wrong OP, because you haven't done anything wrong!

What are these terrible misdemeanours that have him skipping work and having panic attacks??

Oh, and he sulks??? Massively controlling behaviour.

Do you try and appease him? Watch what you say around him? Try not to upset him
?

Of course all is well when it's just you and him, he's getting his own way. It's how he acts when he's not getting his own way that is the real him. Which is a whiney, needy, controlling twat by the sounds of it

FuckOffBing · 10/02/2023 19:36

GrazingSheep · 10/02/2023 14:58

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

Run. Far away.

Seconded. Run for the hills before you are financially and physically committed to him in your home.

It's hard when it's been a long time since you've had a relationship and you have children to manage. It's exciting and feels like you finally have someone to see you as a woman and not a Mum or carer. We all crave that, to be wanted by an adult that isn't just about car but lust, but this is an adult wanting a mother and not really what you want.

You are not gaining a adult equal who wants all of you, you have an adult sized toddler that sees you as the giver of all things and if you don't he has a tantrum.

It's annoying when you're own toddler does this, but you'd die for them so you tolerate it and then they grow out of it.

All that is going to happen here long term is that your vagina will clamp shut and you'll want rid but he'll be living in your house and you'll wish you saw the signs early on and now it'll take months to get rid,

I sound harsh but I sympathise, I've been there. Twice. More fool me. Don't be me.

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 19:54

For example, when I changed plans with my best friend and he took it personally. Or he asked about my sexual past, and was very upset because he feels he couldn't match what I've done in the past or worried that I'd want to involve other people in our sex life (I have told him very clearly that not being able to have threesomes again is absolutely not a deal breaker for me and something I am fine leaving in my 20s), there have been a couple of times he's been upset that I have wanted to spend an evening alone. These are just a few examples. I'm not planning to, but he told me he'd be jealous if I went out out, and I arranged to see an old friend and felt worried about telling him, although he was okay about it as he's working anyway.

But, he does reflect, and he does apologise. But I agree, it's a slippery slope and he is already openly possessive of me. I can see it getting worse.

If I am upsetting him because I lack enough time and not willing to compromise on introducing him to my children, maybe I'm just not for him anyway. We are quite different people anyway. It's sad in some ways as he's always happy to listen to me and I know he'd do anything for me, I just can't shake this feeling.

His last relationship lasted longer than a decade, but he developed an addiction to masturbating and they ended living like flat mates for the last 5/6 years, according to him.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 10/02/2023 19:59

We are quite different people anyway. It's sad in some ways as he's always happy to listen to me and I know he'd do anything for me, I just can't shake this feeling.

He wouldn't though OP. He wouldn't do 'anything' for you, otherwise he wouldn't make you feel responsible for his mental health.

It's manipulative and cruel of him, whether he realises it or not.

He proactively asked you about your sexual history then weaponised your answers into a pity party for him, attention for him, guilt for you, confusion for you...

After reading the posts on this thread can you see that you really must end this relationship? There's no other healthy alternative.

iamenough2023 · 10/02/2023 20:00

Funny, I was just reading an article this morning that “explains” why most some mature men do not date mature women. They say that while mature men prioritize themselves and their own needs, mature women prioritize others, like kids, their elderly parents etc, and so men cannot stand this.

I understand that you may like or even love this man a lot but he would most definitely want to be your number one priority. This situation will escalate and soon, so I suggest you RUN and do not look back.

MrsRickAstley · 10/02/2023 20:02

🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

Zipadeebooyah · 10/02/2023 20:27

He has BPD.

Seriously OP stop mulling this over. The response is unanimous.

Get. Rid. Now.

category12 · 10/02/2023 20:32

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 19:54

For example, when I changed plans with my best friend and he took it personally. Or he asked about my sexual past, and was very upset because he feels he couldn't match what I've done in the past or worried that I'd want to involve other people in our sex life (I have told him very clearly that not being able to have threesomes again is absolutely not a deal breaker for me and something I am fine leaving in my 20s), there have been a couple of times he's been upset that I have wanted to spend an evening alone. These are just a few examples. I'm not planning to, but he told me he'd be jealous if I went out out, and I arranged to see an old friend and felt worried about telling him, although he was okay about it as he's working anyway.

But, he does reflect, and he does apologise. But I agree, it's a slippery slope and he is already openly possessive of me. I can see it getting worse.

If I am upsetting him because I lack enough time and not willing to compromise on introducing him to my children, maybe I'm just not for him anyway. We are quite different people anyway. It's sad in some ways as he's always happy to listen to me and I know he'd do anything for me, I just can't shake this feeling.

His last relationship lasted longer than a decade, but he developed an addiction to masturbating and they ended living like flat mates for the last 5/6 years, according to him.

Come on now, reread this post and ask yourself if you would want a friend of yours dating a guy like this.

I don't think you'd be a good mate to them if you did.

be a good mate to yourself and dump this upcoming nightmare.

pictoosh · 10/02/2023 20:40

I think he probably does genuinely believe he loves you. What he loves is how you make him feel...I don't think he loves you as such. You said yourself he claimed love very quickly. People like this can't differentiate between the two.

Anyway, he's cloying, possessive and will very soon become controlling. His apologies are weightless because he stays the same. The apologies will soon stop too.

Fucking run.

Ladybug14 · 10/02/2023 20:48

I can't believe you are pontificating and discussing this, OP

HE IS WEIRD

Get away from him permanently

Graphista · 10/02/2023 20:50

Sounds like he has love bombed you.

cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong.

Examples of what you did "wrong" if poss please - I strongly suspect you hadn't done anything wrong at all!

I have this niggle I could perhaps do better.

I do wish this idea we HAVE to be in a relationship would fuck off! Better single than in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

Or he asked about my sexual past, barring you having an sti this is absolutely none of his damn business!

Many big red flags here move on op.

As a single mum, as I was, the kids come first and he won't cope with that at all.

LookingOldTheseDays · 10/02/2023 20:53

He's manipulative, massively so. It started with love bombing and now he is punishing you for doing things he doesn't like.

Run away from this man as fast as you can. Nothing good will come of this relationship.

SunflowerTed · 10/02/2023 22:22

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

Run for the hills immediately. He is a manipulate love bomber

GrazingSheep · 10/02/2023 22:33

Why would you even consider inflicting this nut job on your children???