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Original poster

Being your partners only priority

143 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

OP posts:
ForgottenNurseryRhymes · 11/02/2023 08:17

I speak from experience

TibetanTerrah · 11/02/2023 08:23

says he feels intimidated by me sometimes

Oh I've had this line before. Would you like the translation?

"Tone yourself down, become a smaller version of yourself, mould yourself into what I want you to be."

It goes back to my other post, that the narrative he's spinning is that you, your personality, your routines and habits, are hurting him, the "nice guy".

If you stay with him you'll become a shadow of yourself.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 11/02/2023 08:28

@OnTheGoAlways it's started already with the gaslighting..."you're intimidating" ie it's your fault followed by a good dose of guilt about not wanting to lose you...ie. I did this becuase of you. This guy is following the covert narcissistic hand book.

He is dangerous. If you stay it will damage you. Trust me. I've been there and what I'm regaining is still so fragile. Don't let him second guess yourself.

category12 · 11/02/2023 08:35

TibetanTerrah · 11/02/2023 08:23

says he feels intimidated by me sometimes

Oh I've had this line before. Would you like the translation?

"Tone yourself down, become a smaller version of yourself, mould yourself into what I want you to be."

It goes back to my other post, that the narrative he's spinning is that you, your personality, your routines and habits, are hurting him, the "nice guy".

If you stay with him you'll become a shadow of yourself.

Excellent translation 👌

wonderingwanderings · 11/02/2023 08:42

OnTheGoAlways · 11/02/2023 06:40

Everyone has advised the same thing, and I know its right, I wouldn't have posted if I was just happy plodding along.

It's still sad because I have feelings for him, and perhaps worse, I've invested time and energy into someone not right again. I've done a lot of work on myself trying to build myself up, set boundaries, I've turned down other men because I listened to myself, but he comes along and I've pushed back boundaries for him. It feels like some of that trust I put in myself to choose wisely is gone. I've been single for 6 years, and it's been okay, but this last year because of everything that has gone on, I've never felt so single. I am very independent and tenacious because I have to be, but ffs I'd like to come home to someone now!

I spoke to him last night about how he reacted to something yesterday that was trivial and nothing. He was very apologetic and says he feels intimidated by me sometimes and doesn't know how to react (he had nothing to react to) because he doesn't want to lose me.

I know what I need to do. He's told all his family and friends about me, which makes me feel worse, but I can't have this in my life. I just want to feel safe and stable.

Ah OP, him saying he feels 'intimidated' by you is a classic line! He might be a lovely person on the surface but that comment alone is designed to diminish you/make you second guess yourself. The idea is that you'll start to think 'Am I intimidating?? Maybe I should tone myself down a bit?'
^
The 'smaller' you are, the better he feels. He may not even be aware he's doing it, but that's the subtext.

No relationship is perfect but a good partner should encourage you to the best, fullest version of yourself, not a smaller, diminished version who modifies her behaviour for fear of upsetting him.^

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 11/02/2023 08:43

It was the first time he'd referred to being intimidated by me, and I don't know what he's actually intimidated by. I'm an introvert and quite quietly spoken.

I also doubted when he says he's never felt this way. He's been married and in long-term relationships, but says he never knew he was capable of feeling the way I make him feel.i don't get it, why me, I don't understand what he's getting out if this and seems to hurt when we're apart.

OP posts:
wonderingwanderings · 11/02/2023 08:47

He's probably in love with the idea of being in love. Being in a relationship with you is a bolster to his ego. Unhealthy people like this subconsciously manipulate others in order to meet their own needs, but it's never enough.

I hope you're able to untangle yourself soon.

PrincessConstance · 11/02/2023 08:50

OnTheGoAlways · 10/02/2023 14:56

Hello,

I'm not sure how to articulate this or even sure about how I feel. I am in a new relationship, first for years, we are 6 months in, and have gone through some stuff already.

I have two children, a dog, and a full time career role and friends and family. I spend as much time as I can with my boyfriend, but I am not willing to introduce him to my children yet, so he has to wait until the weekend.

The relationship has been pretty intense, he told me he loves me very quickly. He has a hobby and obviously a job, but no children or close family. He puts a lot of pressure on, he says he wants to marry me, he's never met anyone like me, he's never felt this way, this is the first time he's felt respected and listened to. I think he's a good person, I don't think there is malice here, but he's incredibly Insecure, and prioritises me above all else. I feel very lucky in some ways, but in others I feel uncomfortable and like I am having to manage another humans feelings, like another child in a way.

He has been sick, had panic attacks, left work, cried over what are quite small things, things that I didn't even realise I'd done wrong. I changed plans with my best friend as she had to work away the evening we were meant to met, so we rearranged to meet the next day before I met him...he spiraled over this as he thinks I am only willing to change plans to accommodate other people, which just isn't true.

I'm not making sense I don't think, I just feel strange about it.

Too many problems early on, it shouldn't be this difficult.

category12 · 11/02/2023 08:54

OnTheGoAlways · 11/02/2023 08:43

It was the first time he'd referred to being intimidated by me, and I don't know what he's actually intimidated by. I'm an introvert and quite quietly spoken.

I also doubted when he says he's never felt this way. He's been married and in long-term relationships, but says he never knew he was capable of feeling the way I make him feel.i don't get it, why me, I don't understand what he's getting out if this and seems to hurt when we're apart.

He's not.

He just wants to make out that you're the "strong one" in the relationship, and should run round looking after his feelings at the expense of your own because he's so vulnerable.

It's bullshit to emotionally manipulate you into taking responsibility for his feelings and make you feel guilty.

GooseyWoo · 11/02/2023 08:55

Please, for everyone in relationships they wish they weren’t stuck in - leave now whilst it’s all less complicated than it will become.

pictoosh · 11/02/2023 08:56

Some reading easily found online. There's loads of articles you can access.

Lovebombing

electricmoccasins · 11/02/2023 08:58

This is teenage-level intensity. A grown man shouldn’t be feeling and acting like this with little to no self-reflection.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 11/02/2023 09:02

@OnTheGoAlways the hurt is that addiction to the attention and love bombing. He has you feeling exactly how he wants it.

He sounds like he's in love with being in love.

camellia15 · 11/02/2023 18:53

Run

xfan · 11/02/2023 20:26

Op has an itch to scratch and prioritise her crotch otherwise no intelligent woman would need this amount of convicting to leave. Plus also fear of going back to singledom..

Festivfrenzy · 11/02/2023 20:44

Creepy, clingy and addicted to masturbating?!?!? Runnnnnnnnn!

Namechangenumber23 · 11/02/2023 22:35

Just wanted to add in support of all the others who have posted that you need to run and cut this man out of your life completely and never look back. This will not improve and even if you could and did want spend 24/7 with him, it wouldn't be enough and you will forever be stuck in the hell that is mind games and never knowing what will set him off next (because it doesn't matter, he will find something).

This kind of person will suck every last bit of energy and life out of you.

Given what you have said about the level of intensity and his over reactions to minor changes to plans and what sounds like blatant catastrophising, I would absolutely ensure to block him on everything after breaking it off and get a Ring doorbell.

I'm assuming this being so early on, he has no keys or access to anything personal of yours (pins/banking etc...) but anything he might have had access to, even if you haven't given it to him (was he ever alone in your home with laptops/tablets/access to your wi-fi code etc...?), change it ALL in advance of splitting. I would also suggest not doing it in person and not being alone when you do.

No such thing as being too careful.

Ffswhatsthepoint · 11/02/2023 22:42

I felt uncomfortable just reading that. He is NOT a keeper. Please, distance yourself. And look at it all. Then run far away.

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