Emotional betrayal

[Moost]

Hi all

About 8 months ago I discovered my husband of three years had struck up an unacceptable relationship via texting with a friend's wife. Whilst I have been assured by both parties it never became physical, they both admitted it did get out of hand including pictures (which I have seen) and daily contact etc.

My little boy was 4 months old at the time, it was going on for couple of months I am told. This in itself was hard to accept as I felt it was an incredibly vulnerable time for any new mum, recovering from section and breastfeeding.

I was devastated. And still am.

I made a decision to try and work on my marriage, as I do believe my husband when he says he still loves me, he has shown he wants to do whatever he can to save our marriage, but primarily for our two young children. I feel we have to try and recover and I really do not want to break up their little family.

I guess I don't really want to hear from the 'kick him to the curb' voices. I have made my own mistakes in past relationships, albeit I have learnt from them, and I also have learnt through life things are not always so simple.

I believe we still very much love each other, and I know our closeness, particularly intimacy took a back seat for a while due to pregnancy, breastfeeding and just tiredness as with most mums of two young children. This is no excuse for his behaviour, I know that, but I can acknowledge that relationships can become vulnerable particularly if that part of your relationship was so important previously.

In short, we have commenced therapy, individual and then we will move on to couples therapy. It has been a great outlet for me because I have told noone about this. I know if we are really going to get back on track, the less people know the better. But it has been really difficult, and to be honest my maternity leave has just been a memory I want to forget as it's been overshadowed all of this.

I have managed to protect the kids from it as much as possible, and they have kept me going.

We obviously have a long way to go, and trust is a major issue. But the reason I'm posting is I'm feeling low today. My husband has spoken to me about stag do coming up in few weeks, he would like to go, 4 or 5 nights skiing. Normally we would make these things work, but I'm feeling completely mixed emotions. If I'm honest, I feel like why should he get to go off and have a laugh, when my heart is still breaking. I know I have to stop punishing him, and he's a very sociable guy and trying to curb that for my own selfish reasons will only harm us more in the long run.

But am I being completely unreasonable under the circumstances? I just feel this time that he should be focusing his efforts on us, our family, as the reality is our marriage and family unit is very much on the line.

I should add that he is a very good father, does his fair share with kids and home, and also has no issues with me going away with friends on occasions.

I guess at the moment, I just don't want to because I'm a bit of a broken mess.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

Oh gosh, I don't know what to say.

I really feel for you. You are obviously determined to repair your marriage and are being pragmatic about what you need to do so that things can back on an even keel.

But I completely get it when you ask why he gets to go off and have a good time when your heart is still breaking. I think i'd feel exactly the same.

But now you are facing the choice of saying he can go with your blessing, or being the wife who says he shouldn't go. Its not fair that you are in this position on top of the original betrayal.

When is your next counselling appointment? Is there any way you can tell him that you're torn and would like to chat it over with your counsellor before he commits?

I admire the way you speak about what's happened. I really hope you can work it out and that you can move on to a happier time.

You seem to be handling things so well OP - and i can imagine how hurt you are and thats bound to take some time to recover from.
You dont want to be "the wife that says No", but also it is totally understandable that you feel hurt by him wanting to go away.

Openness is bound to be part of your counselling going forward - so I think you need to start with this and really discuss this openly with your husband. Allow both of you to share your views.
If you do decide between you that this stag do is ok for him to go on - I think it should be on the condition that you also get to do something you like at a later date. Either go away for a girlie trip with you friends if that's your thing - or whatever would make you happy - perhaps going away for a weekend all of you together.

Yous Husband needs to accept that him going away means that you get something too.

FFS Do you really have to ask?

He's never going to change.
Before you agree to him heading off for a 5 day holiday skiing - make sure you have your own 5 day holiday booked and paid for.

Let me guess- you prefer to holiday as a family!/ there isn't enough money based on your maternity to get a break.

He really is taking the piss. He wasn't long getting over the whole emotional affair saga was he?

At the end of the day it's up to you to decide how you want to be treated in your marriage.

Guarantee he'll go on his holiday and you'll be sitting at home with the kids wondering what's he up to!

The problem you have now is you can no longer trust him.

Unfortunately he has betrayed you when you have been in a vulnerable state. My H did the same when I our daughter was a baby.

it’s really difficult but the trust issue is always going to be there.

We’ve only recently broken up and our daughter is 8 I haven’t trusted him that whole time.

I hope you can work it out but personally I don’t think he should be going away when your marriage is in trouble.

Thanks @Gazelda for your kind words. We have another session next week but numbers and deposits for trip need confirmed this weekend so we need to make a call asap.

Thanks @Newusername21 for your understanding.
To be honest me getting away is never an issue, in fact he would encourage it if it helped me get to a happier place. So I can't complain in that respect. Which makes me feel even more shit for having a problem with this. We have both been away with our friends since this all happened. I think I'm just struggling this time as it's a bit longer than the usual 2 night stag, and probably because I love skiing too and know it'll be fab. I'm the big 40 this year and will be getting away with friends on a couple of short trips.
I think I'm just bitter at this point. I won't be happy at him going for reasons talked about but I won't be happy being the wife that says no either as it's not my style.

Unfortunately after betrayal nothing is straightforward which is why it's such a relationship killer.

If you have decided to stay with him, forgive and learn to trust him again then you have to let him have a life.
Him not going on a skiing trip won't stop him cheating if he wants to.
The break might do you good.
Just, as others have said, make sure you have your own time with your friends or whatever.

@bjrce yes he probably is taking the piss under the circumstances.

I love family time but no I'm not as you suggest. I have been away with the girls since this happened and will be going again later in the year. I just feel different about him going away at the moment whilst I'm all over the place.

I hope he does change, and only time will tell. But I will try to fight for my marriage. I guess I love my kids more than I hate my husband right now. Kids arent a reason to stay, but they are a reason to at least try after one mistake. I hurt someone once, I will never do it again because of the hurt I caused. And I hope he will learn a similar lesson after the fall out from this.

Thanks for your perspective.

You may think that you believe/trust him - but deep down, subconsciously, you don't. He broke that trust, and once it's gone... no matter how hard you work on fixing it... it's gone. Never to return.

My father had an affair when I was a baby, 4 years into marriage. My mother, like you, was determined not to "break up the family", for my sake. They stayed together, and have been married for 52 years now.

Miserably.

My mother is an angry, bitter husk who cannot trust my father - who is selfish enough to put his own needs before everyone else's (my mother's, mine, my children's). He holidays on a whim, alone, using shared money - my mother hasn't had a break in 9 years (my father's was a few weeks ago!). I love both of my parents... but I wish they'd split up, to be honest, rather than play resentful charades of "everything's fine, happy family here...". We were anything but. It affected my entire childhood. probably led to my ending up in a DV relationship, and has resulted in my being utterly unable to trust any partner. I have no happy family memories, just an overwhelming sense of loneliness and anxiety. To the point where I'd not wish it on my worst enemy. Conversely, my children's childhoods were far more secure, both have happy memories of my ex and I co-parenting.

I know you don't want to hear this, OP, but it's kindly meant from the perspective of someone who "was" your child(ren). There is no trust between you and your husband. It's gone. And the longer you spend trying to force it to come back... the more like my mother you will become. Which isn't fair on your children. They need... they deserve... a happy mother who knows her own worth is more than you currently do. And you truly do deserve more than a selfish man-child who cheated on you at your most vulnerable stage in life - when you needed him to have your back before his own.

I would tell how you feel just as you have expressed it here. If he offers not to go and to focus on looking after you, that would be a very good sign. I think you need to see how much he cares about your feelings generally speaking, rather than it really being about him going away(?)

@DontStopMeNow7 thanks, that makes a lot of sense. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.

@contrary13 hi and thanks. I'm really sorry for your experience growing up. I'm glad to hear your little ones are having a different experience x

I should probably say I don't trust him at all right now. And he knows that. I'm under no illusion in that sense.

The reason for counselling is to see if we can rebuild that trust. I have witnessed this go both ways with friends relationships, some healed, some didn't.

Ultimately counselling is our last chance saloon. We will both have to make a call if we find that after time, there is no improvement or progress, in regards to trust and healing. For ourselves but most importantly the children. I definitely won't continue to bring them up in an unhappy home.

I should say, husband has been very open and honest since this all happened with both me and therapist. He has recognised he has issues that need addressing, in regards to his own ego and needs. For me that's a start, and if he had said no no therapy, I wouldn't be here typing as I'd have called it a day then.

Really appreciate your perspective and taking the time to message.

Since he knows you don’t trust him and that this is his last chance, he really should be putting your feelings as a priority:-)

Hi @Millenials1980
Thanks. I guess I'm still in the process of trying to forgive. But then yes I agree there's a time when we have to start to live again. Part of the reason I started counseling was to get to that part, I couldn't go another day with the heavy cloud of sadness hanging over me, it wasn't me. I hope we get to that point where we can truly enjoy life together again in every sense. And absolutely agree a ski trip won't make him do it or not do it again. He had offered at time to change jobs etc and whatever was needed to build trust (his job requires him to work away on occasions). But I said no as controlling his every movement is not where I want to be!!

@Nelly10 I'm sorry you had to go through this too with a young baby. It's emotionally draining. But they keep you going don't they.

I've been where you are, i made the decision to stay biggest mistake of my life not only did it ruin our relationship for around 18months after i found out but 3years on he went on the have a massive affair. I often kick myself for staying. However if you can live with it and trust him its up to you.

Yes unfortunately he began to have multiple affair unbeknown to me until very recently I just wished I had of left when my daughter was a lot younger. But at least I’m out now.

Wishing you lots of luck and a better outcome.

I remember a TV counsellor called Phil McGraw used to advise that, where one person in a couple had betrayed the other’s trust, if they wanted to stay together then that person had to work to rebuild the trust for as long as it took, as determined by the feelings of the betrayed person. Your husband needs to accept this and be prepared to fully pursue rebuilding trust until it genuinely is there for you. Not just rebuild a bit and then throw his hands up and go off to do his own thing.
So I hope he really does want to rebuild with you. If he just makes a token effort, it won’t work. Now the specific ski trip could go either way, as another poster just said, it’s not one specific thing that matters but a more overall situation. But he should know that you feel it’s a lot for you to cope with at the moment as it’s too long. What’s typical here is you are the person who is struggling to decide whether you should be okay with him going. Really he is the person who should be struggling to decide whether he can go.
Anyway, a family is not just about individuals getting away on your own for a break.
What plans does he suggest for you as a family to help with rebonding in the near future?
Good luck OP

yes, tell him it’s not about you telling him what he is or isn’t going to do. He’s the one who behaved badly. He’s supposed to be your husband or partner and the father in the family, he has a role to live up to. It’s up to him to show you he loves cares and supports you and is faithful to you. And show you again. And keep on showing you on repeat

@Emotional betrayal: 8 months ago I discovered my husband of three years had struck up an unacceptable relationship via texting with a friend's wife.

So you discovered it, which means he literally got busted, which makes me think what other things have you not "discovered" so I understand why you have massive trust issues with this guy and I'm afraid you're always going to have them because he has proven to have the emotional maturity of a mosquito. You don't trust this man and I don't blame you. Do you really want to be a cop for the rest of your marriage?

You could 'let' him go, on condition that he then takes a week off so YOU can go skiing. While the snow is still good.

Or, instead of the stag, you could go on a joint skiing holiday where you take turns looking after the children.

Or accept that he'll go, and that your marriage is not salvageable, and spend the money on a good divorce lawyer.

I think he has put you in an invidious position asking you if he can go away. I think it’s too much too soon. I think you should tell him that you are not ready for this yet.

I think that you should absolutely reject any accusation or suggestion that you are ever ‘keeping on punishing him’. If he uses that to justify himself, i fear the reality is that the marriage will end. He needs to rebuild trust, and he does not get to decide when it has been enough because he is the one who did something he shouldn’t have done.

If he had any sense he wouldn’t have even suggested it.

At this point he should be 100% committed to rebuilding trust and supporting you.
And he’s not.

I hope you can both keep on with the counselling, I’m sure this is a really good way of exploring things