Emotional betrayal

[Moost]

Hi all

About 8 months ago I discovered my husband of three years had struck up an unacceptable relationship via texting with a friend's wife. Whilst I have been assured by both parties it never became physical, they both admitted it did get out of hand including pictures (which I have seen) and daily contact etc.

My little boy was 4 months old at the time, it was going on for couple of months I am told. This in itself was hard to accept as I felt it was an incredibly vulnerable time for any new mum, recovering from section and breastfeeding.

I was devastated. And still am.

I made a decision to try and work on my marriage, as I do believe my husband when he says he still loves me, he has shown he wants to do whatever he can to save our marriage, but primarily for our two young children. I feel we have to try and recover and I really do not want to break up their little family.

I guess I don't really want to hear from the 'kick him to the curb' voices. I have made my own mistakes in past relationships, albeit I have learnt from them, and I also have learnt through life things are not always so simple.

I believe we still very much love each other, and I know our closeness, particularly intimacy took a back seat for a while due to pregnancy, breastfeeding and just tiredness as with most mums of two young children. This is no excuse for his behaviour, I know that, but I can acknowledge that relationships can become vulnerable particularly if that part of your relationship was so important previously.

In short, we have commenced therapy, individual and then we will move on to couples therapy. It has been a great outlet for me because I have told noone about this. I know if we are really going to get back on track, the less people know the better. But it has been really difficult, and to be honest my maternity leave has just been a memory I want to forget as it's been overshadowed all of this.

I have managed to protect the kids from it as much as possible, and they have kept me going.

We obviously have a long way to go, and trust is a major issue. But the reason I'm posting is I'm feeling low today. My husband has spoken to me about stag do coming up in few weeks, he would like to go, 4 or 5 nights skiing. Normally we would make these things work, but I'm feeling completely mixed emotions. If I'm honest, I feel like why should he get to go off and have a laugh, when my heart is still breaking. I know I have to stop punishing him, and he's a very sociable guy and trying to curb that for my own selfish reasons will only harm us more in the long run.

But am I being completely unreasonable under the circumstances? I just feel this time that he should be focusing his efforts on us, our family, as the reality is our marriage and family unit is very much on the line.

I should add that he is a very good father, does his fair share with kids and home, and also has no issues with me going away with friends on occasions.

I guess at the moment, I just don't want to because I'm a bit of a broken mess.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

I have only read the first post.

If he doesn't see that going to a stag party is the wrong thing to do based on HIS ACTIONS, you are dealing with someone who doesn't really believe he did anything wrong in having an emotional affair.

I would caution you to guard your heart, very closely, and be absolutely certain you have your finances in order. I hope that you don't find out that he wasn't completely honest when you caught him. Hope for the best, but please prepare for the worst and always remember, his choices are HIS CHOICES, you did not make him do anything.

Firstly does the other woman’s DH know about it? If not he needs to know. The reason being is I feel this woman still has feelings towards your DH for her to be so brass about it all. As people don’t know, the secrecy that made the emotional affair seem exciting is still there. Trust me once it’s out in the open, the excitement is dead and she would feel so much shame to show her head. I know you don’t want this to ‘save’ your marriage but it really isn’t is it? X

I should probably add, just replys to the current dilemma please, as I've said we are on a recovery journey and both working to save our marriage and focused on that. Thank you.

@Moost - understood. So yes, I think you and your H should speak to your SIL together if you can face it. Put her in the picture.

Maybe so. Although when I confronted her at the time she said she was so ashamed, putting her family and my family at risk etc etc. I just think she has absolutely no idea of the torment she has caused, maybe until she experiences it herself.

keep doing your best one day at a time

@Dery thanks and yes I have faced worse with all of this. I think I'm just worried I'll come out looking like a drama queen, it wasn't physical etc etc. Because I wonder is that what my bro in law thinks given recent events. I think with the other woman now with time after the event, shes convinced herself it wasn't anything as it never 'went anywhere'. Obviously it completely crushed me and rocked our marriage to it's very core.

@Mumofoneandone thanks. To be honest you've summed up exactly how I feel when I am thinking straight. It is wrong, and it's not helpful. And if they genuinely care they shouldn't be exposing me to that witch unnecessarily.
I feel she is a nasty piece of work. Anyone can make a mistake, but she has shown no genuine remorse at all. Certainly not by her actions. I would be doing all I could to lie low in her shoes, she can clearly lie so I'm sure she could find a reason to not attend a kids birthday party ffs.

@Moost You are not asking too much. And based on your posts I doubt that you would ever come across as a drama queen. You sound very dignified and as though you have dealt with a torrent of shitty behaviour with grace (which is not the same as being a pushover). Personally I think you should make your DH speak to your SIL and BIL and you should get to choose whether you want to be part of that conversation. The friend's wife sounds crass, shameless, and insecure.

In a sense, it was physical. They didn’t touch each other but they sent each other explicit photos so they saw intimate parts of each other. Probably showing my age here, but in terms of intent and connection, I don’t really see a huge difference between that and physically touching each other (except of course there’s no risk of catching STIs). And you were at your most vulnerable looking after the tiny baby whom you had carried for 9 months and then given birth to.

Your H knew it was completely wrong. He knew he was cheating. And your reaction is because he was cheating. You’re not being dramatic. You’re having a completely legitimate response.

I completely agree with @Dery.

You poor woman.

What occurred was a complete and utter betrayal and the lack of physical intimacy is neither here nor there.

That woman is awful, truly awful, and utterly without shame.

How your mental health hasn't been compromised by all you have endured and remained silent about is testament to your strength.

You need to put yourself, your children and your MH first.

Your BIL likely never said a word to his wife.🙄

Tell your SIL the unvarnished truth of exactly what has gone on, what you have been through.

If she has an ounce of kindness in her, she will be furious and absolutely appalled to have continued to have facilitated this woman in her home, with you living next door and her own husband aware of what has gone on.

In her place I would be apoplectic at my husband keeping this from me, knowing my SIL was so struggling.

I understand the inclination to remain private and dignified, but this is not the best interests of you, your children and your continued marriage.

Stop protecting this woman and your husband.

You have protected everyone, your cheating excuse of a husband, her, your children, whilst you suffer on terribly.

Stop protecting them and shine a big light on what has gone on.

Do it your way, rather than allow this to trundle on until you crack in a manner that you may regret, in company.

Tell your SIL the truth, and I sincerely hope she tells her friend to get lost and lets her ex friends husband know of her appalling behaviour before and since this has all come out.

I too would agree she likely remains enamoured with your husband.

You are worth 10 of him.

I think you should tell him how you feel. I wouldn't say a hard no, though. Just wait and sit it out.
It may be good to have some time just with you and the kids. A little separation, so to speak.
Don't call or message him when he is away.

Your husband chose to do what he did; he’s no little innocent who was hoodwinked. Blame him as much as you blame her.
It’s up to him to go above and beyond to mend and save his marriage. The onus is on him, not you. He should be going all out to convince you he cares (not remain in a house where she is while you leave, greatly hurt), that he loves you and that he places you in high regard (not allow you to babysit, knowing how you’d feel).
It’s irrelevant whether or not your BiL and SiL know: your husband does and he should have put a stop to the request.
If you don’t place emphasis on your worth he’ll continue to stand back and callously watch you being broken. Is he as broken as you? He seems to do exactly as he pleases.
Imo you’re making far more effort than him. Stop sacrificing yourself and putting everyone else’s dignity above your own.

Personally I'd be extracating myself from all of them.

You said they are great friends with this ow so I should imagine they both know full well what's gone on, you are the one who has had to put up with this digraceful behaviour and then felt you had to be the cool wife who doesn't explode.

Personally if I were to give him another chance I would be moving away from these fair weather inlaws and making sure he wasn't attending week long stags.

He's really not shown himself to be a family man has he, this type of man will bring nothing but heartache.

Here have some pain and then let me rub your face in it.
Fuck that, I'd be off.

Reading through, this post has unsettled me more than I thought.

Not seven months since your first post and already you are being made to conform to his standards.

This man humiliated you infront of your inlaws, inlaws that live next door to you, I mean that in itself, his brother being next door, who would want that, his support system next door, no wonder you kept it to yourself, I bet you couldn't even blow up about his emotional affair without his sibling next door listening.

Christ and then having to put up with this woman parading herself in their home.
Yeah Moost, just shut up and put up.

These people arn't your friends and your h is pretending to have your back.

What younger women put up with is astounding and I think when you're older you will look back at this situuation and think why the hell did I put up with this.

Get angry and know your worth, these people arround you sound horrible, I woudn't trust any of them.
You really are too nice for any of them, including their shitbag friends.

@RandomForest thanks for taking the time to reply. Yes it's all too close to home. We are detached so no issue re hearing through the walls as such but you are right in that i do feel up against it and part of that probably is as you say he has support network next door, albeit only his brother knows at this stage (it would seem!). The one thing our counsellor notes at the last session was my inability to get really mad. He was trying to make me let go, get it out, and I couldn't. Not to say I don't, I've got mad a fair few times, but probably I've gotten so used to suppressing it. That's the other thing, even I do approach SIL now, I think I might not do it justice in that emotions not just as raw, would she really appreciate my position. At the time it might have had more weight.

@Alissia thanks. Oh I blame him, more than her, he's my husband. But in order to move forward I have had to work through that and let go of the constant blame. It's just as harmful mentally after a while and I needed to shift the big dark cloud I was under for so long. Letting go of blame was a big part of that. Otherwise I would have had to call it a day which I'm not prepared to do without trying to recover first and work through it.
He has to be fair confronted his brother now a couple of times about this and I know he feels as let down by recent events as I do, as it's hindering our progress. But yes I do think he could be even more proactive and he should be the one raising it when he knows the impact it's having. We have counselling session later this week and I plan to focus on this issue.

@Moost You are writing very eloquently and you have had the most dreadful time over the last 12-18 months.
It seems as though you are going to huge amounts of effort to keep the peace - even to not cause a scene etc etc. I wonder how much you have sacrificed in order to do that? I think you counsellor is on to something when they've talked about your inability to get mad.
From an outsiders point of view (ours as readers) it seems like your husband has got away with his emotional affair scot free - and the women too. They've both gone back to their lives exactly as there were. I feels to me like you're the one making the most compromises.

I think it's time to have a really hard talk with yourself. Are you doing all this - going to counselling - tip-toeing around social events with your in-laws - Living next door to them!! Because you really WANT your husband. Or are you doing it so you keep the peace - Keep your marriage going and keep whatever lifestyle you enjoy as a married Mum. Keep the family together.
What are your real motivations? Are you doing all this because you love and desire your husband? Or are you doing it just to keep up appearances and all the rest?
Would you husband be prepared to make a really clean break - to move away to a new place - change jobs whatever - to show you he's putting your needs first?

I wish you the best of luck BTW - whatever you decide and want to do - but I do think it's time to think about what YOU want and need - rather than what's needed to keep your marriage together.

My guess is that you feel like you have chosen to ride this particular roller coaster and now have realised that you are not in control of where it goes and when and where you get off.

I am shocked at the lack of consideration shown to you by your BIL and SIL. You can’t do any more to influence their behaviour but I would reassess your relationship as things currently stand.

Any more requests for babysitting should be met with a polite no thankyou going forward. No explanation needed. It is clear that your marriage is your priority and if your husband feels the same then you maybe need to distance yourself a little at the moment?

@4naansjeremy thanks. Yes I agree once I have the conversation with SIL I will be making it clear I do not want to be asked to look after their kids to facilitate that woman having a night out. I would hope though she would know that for herself, surely she cannot know at this point.
If she does, then yes I think I'm probably done with them. It wouldn't be done out of spite but I'd be incredibly disappointed if she did know and this is how it's gone. I hope that's not the case as I did really value their friendship and other than this they are nice decent people. That's why it doesn't add up for me. If BIL hasn't told her then I'm pretty mad at him tbh. For me it's either two ways. One, he hasn't told her because he actually does appreciate the scale of it, knows their friendship will be ruined by this and he doesn't want to disrupt their social life (they holiday together etc). Or two, he has told her, but played it down (they have had a bit of a fall out so maybe don't mention her name etc)...that nearly makes me more cross because again it makes me out to look like a trouble maker.

@Newusername21 thanks for your comments.
I hear you, and I guess my primary driver is definitely our little ones. I know thats not a reason to stay together, but as I've said before it's definitely a reason to try and recover. It's definitely not appearances, I'm past caring what others think and it wouldn't be a reason for me to stay.
It probably does sound very one sided, so I should probably add that H has been to a very dark place with all of this too. He has been really down, hated himself for periods of time, and part of therapy has looked at why he did what he did. That in itself has raised some issues which he is now dealing with in order to ensure he never does it again. He has been open and accepted full blame, and wants to get through this, and has been part of some very difficult conversations with me, and also our counsellor. But no, he's not perfect. He's a fixer, and he has had to accept he can't fix this. He may never be able to fix it. A few weeks of madness may well have ruined our family. And I know that hurts him deeply. In short I have seen and heard enough to know it wasn't because he didn't love me. If the love wasn't there, I wouldn't be trying and I can 100% say that.

I would be horrified if my friend did this to a family marriage, no matter how long the friendship and would bin her instantly. And if I sided with her, or handwrung about trying to stay neutral, I'd expect my SIL to bin me!

We had something similar in our family, the only difference is that the OW was someone random and not a close family friend, but it helped SIL to know that we were disgusted and horrified at the actions of her H. He's family so while we can fully believe that he's a dick who deserved everything he got, his wife deserved our full backing and support in how she chose to navigate the aftermath. But if I ever met the OW I'd struggle to be polite tbh.

I think you need to have a chat with your SIL. While it's admirable that you chose to keep this private, living in such close quarters with the ILs, it's going to be necessary for them to know what you are dealing with. I don't see that this is something that they can remain neutral over. Either they support your efforts to keep the marriage on track, or they prioritise the family friend.

And look, don't feel one bit guilty about putting that choice back on them - you didn't! it was your DH and OW that went into this, knowing that if it all went tits up, what the fallout might be. That's not on you.

@Turfwars thank you, so good to hear from someone who has had a bit of experience with this and knows the intimacies of it. You are right, if i imagined one of my friends sending intimate picture to my BIL after SIL just had a baby (or any stage!!) I would be absolutely outraged. In addition, this girl knew me in a circle of 'friends' (wives and girlfriends of partners) so we would have socialised albeit I wouldn't choose most as friends for myself but I did the once a year Xmas dinner etc.
But why has BIL been so useless? Is it a male thing, it wasn't physical etc? Or does he just not give a shit? My H and him are so close, and I know my H feels let down but he also knows he can't say a lot as he put everyone on this position.

Sadly I found that this was one of the problems when affairs happen - you get eg your (my) SIL talking to my Ex H's OW at my daughter's wedding and OW using it as an opportunity to talk about how "some people were unhappy with her being there". You get friends who do not understand all that happened and continue to be super friendly with him and OW. You get your EXH trying to maintain close contact with what are primarily YOUR friends. You can't control this but only limit yourself to the exposure. I have done so by cutting certain people out of my life.

This. He knows he betrayed you when you were having his baby by C section too. Instead of supporting you he was busy with his emotional affair with the wife of his friend. So he betrayed his friend too. Does his friend know? Now you are willing to try really hard to rebuild trust as he should be too, but instead of considering your feelings and trying to win back your trust now he'd rather be off with his mates skiing leaving you home alone still very much hurting. He is very selfish and I doubt he'll ever change. The fact he's even suggested going skiing with his mates at this point in time tells you all you need to know. You'll live your whole marriage wondering if he is being faithful to you at any given time. The likelihood is he won't be faithful to you. I think like others on this thread have suggested several years down the line when you catch him cheating again you'd wish you'd given him his marching orders now. If he really thinks having fun skiing with this mates is more important than rebuilding your marriage then I'd let him go. You know where his priorities lie