Emotional betrayal

[Moost]

Hi all

About 8 months ago I discovered my husband of three years had struck up an unacceptable relationship via texting with a friend's wife. Whilst I have been assured by both parties it never became physical, they both admitted it did get out of hand including pictures (which I have seen) and daily contact etc.

My little boy was 4 months old at the time, it was going on for couple of months I am told. This in itself was hard to accept as I felt it was an incredibly vulnerable time for any new mum, recovering from section and breastfeeding.

I was devastated. And still am.

I made a decision to try and work on my marriage, as I do believe my husband when he says he still loves me, he has shown he wants to do whatever he can to save our marriage, but primarily for our two young children. I feel we have to try and recover and I really do not want to break up their little family.

I guess I don't really want to hear from the 'kick him to the curb' voices. I have made my own mistakes in past relationships, albeit I have learnt from them, and I also have learnt through life things are not always so simple.

I believe we still very much love each other, and I know our closeness, particularly intimacy took a back seat for a while due to pregnancy, breastfeeding and just tiredness as with most mums of two young children. This is no excuse for his behaviour, I know that, but I can acknowledge that relationships can become vulnerable particularly if that part of your relationship was so important previously.

In short, we have commenced therapy, individual and then we will move on to couples therapy. It has been a great outlet for me because I have told noone about this. I know if we are really going to get back on track, the less people know the better. But it has been really difficult, and to be honest my maternity leave has just been a memory I want to forget as it's been overshadowed all of this.

I have managed to protect the kids from it as much as possible, and they have kept me going.

We obviously have a long way to go, and trust is a major issue. But the reason I'm posting is I'm feeling low today. My husband has spoken to me about stag do coming up in few weeks, he would like to go, 4 or 5 nights skiing. Normally we would make these things work, but I'm feeling completely mixed emotions. If I'm honest, I feel like why should he get to go off and have a laugh, when my heart is still breaking. I know I have to stop punishing him, and he's a very sociable guy and trying to curb that for my own selfish reasons will only harm us more in the long run.

But am I being completely unreasonable under the circumstances? I just feel this time that he should be focusing his efforts on us, our family, as the reality is our marriage and family unit is very much on the line.

I should add that he is a very good father, does his fair share with kids and home, and also has no issues with me going away with friends on occasions.

I guess at the moment, I just don't want to because I'm a bit of a broken mess.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

He's never going to change, or he'll change if and only when he wants and is ready to.

You'll never trust him and will always be making your self sick with worry and paranoia.

Frankly, counseling isn't going to work, and he just keeps feeding you a bunch of crap to get you to stay.

Since you've decided to stay, he's going to continue to be inappropriate and have affairs ( highly doubt that was his first) and then blame you for them. Eventually he'll say you pushed him to it because you don't trust him.

Nothings going to change, it's only going to get worse.

He isn't committed to fixing things. He'll say anything to keep you...because you take care of mostly everything, and by you continuing to stay and let him off the hook, sends him the message that he can do whatever and you'll still be there always.

Also, this is a poor example to give your children. Whatever they learn from the both of you will impact their lives forever.

There's no way that a man with two small children and a wife should be leaving for a week by himself to hang out and have a good time...like he's single.

Betrayal and the feelings from it, will never vanish.

Please don't bring anymore innocent people into this situation.

Please also stop "rewarding" him.
He's done nothing to earn the privileges you've gifted him.

He's acting as if nothing has happened.

He hasn't put in any effort.

He's going to manipulate and guilt trip you either way. If you tell him you'd rather he stay, he'll guilt trip you (as he already has) .. if he stays, he'll guilt trip, insult, and manipulate you into believing its all your fault. It won't be pleasant having him around.

It is highly unlikely that this was his first affair. It is probably the first time you've caught him.

He's too comfortable, relaxed and too prepared for it to be his first.

I don't think we know he 'hasn't out in any effort' and I also don't Believe there is any evidence he has done this or anything like it before. People make mistakes but they can and do change. And op seems sensible. And she has judged that he means what he says and that he is working on the marriage. Nothing she has put makes me think otherwise. He probs should have left the party where the woman was but I get why that was difficult and he didn't make the right choice in the moment. If he does that on the regular going forwards then yes, I would think it an issue. It's the BIL and maybe SIL that are more the ongoing problem for now as I read it.