Emotional betrayal

[Moost]

Hi all

About 8 months ago I discovered my husband of three years had struck up an unacceptable relationship via texting with a friend's wife. Whilst I have been assured by both parties it never became physical, they both admitted it did get out of hand including pictures (which I have seen) and daily contact etc.

My little boy was 4 months old at the time, it was going on for couple of months I am told. This in itself was hard to accept as I felt it was an incredibly vulnerable time for any new mum, recovering from section and breastfeeding.

I was devastated. And still am.

I made a decision to try and work on my marriage, as I do believe my husband when he says he still loves me, he has shown he wants to do whatever he can to save our marriage, but primarily for our two young children. I feel we have to try and recover and I really do not want to break up their little family.

I guess I don't really want to hear from the 'kick him to the curb' voices. I have made my own mistakes in past relationships, albeit I have learnt from them, and I also have learnt through life things are not always so simple.

I believe we still very much love each other, and I know our closeness, particularly intimacy took a back seat for a while due to pregnancy, breastfeeding and just tiredness as with most mums of two young children. This is no excuse for his behaviour, I know that, but I can acknowledge that relationships can become vulnerable particularly if that part of your relationship was so important previously.

In short, we have commenced therapy, individual and then we will move on to couples therapy. It has been a great outlet for me because I have told noone about this. I know if we are really going to get back on track, the less people know the better. But it has been really difficult, and to be honest my maternity leave has just been a memory I want to forget as it's been overshadowed all of this.

I have managed to protect the kids from it as much as possible, and they have kept me going.

We obviously have a long way to go, and trust is a major issue. But the reason I'm posting is I'm feeling low today. My husband has spoken to me about stag do coming up in few weeks, he would like to go, 4 or 5 nights skiing. Normally we would make these things work, but I'm feeling completely mixed emotions. If I'm honest, I feel like why should he get to go off and have a laugh, when my heart is still breaking. I know I have to stop punishing him, and he's a very sociable guy and trying to curb that for my own selfish reasons will only harm us more in the long run.

But am I being completely unreasonable under the circumstances? I just feel this time that he should be focusing his efforts on us, our family, as the reality is our marriage and family unit is very much on the line.

I should add that he is a very good father, does his fair share with kids and home, and also has no issues with me going away with friends on occasions.

I guess at the moment, I just don't want to because I'm a bit of a broken mess.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today.

A@Ghostbuster2639 t this point he should be 100% committed to rebuilding trust and supporting you. And he’s not.

This with bells.

After 19 years my DP had an emotional affair with a good friend of mine and i am not sure if it would have turned physical, i think my DP wanted it to but she didnt just liked the attention.

I forgave him and we moved on, but i totally underestimated how much it broke me, it absolutely broke my heart.

3 years later he has now moved out as he knows i dont love him like i used to. I am glad that i forgave and tried because i know in my heart i did try but it was just too much. I think if Covid hadnt happened we probably would have parted before that.

I hated him going out also, i didnt know if he was going to use it as an excuse to contact her or look for a replacement but with time i did get over those feelings.

My analogy is that our relationship was a plate that he dropped on the floor, we picked up the pieces and glued them together. On normal days i could still see the cracks, on good days i couldnt see the cracks but on bad or emotional days i often thought that i could see the cracks getting bigger.

Sometimes i wanted to get the plate and throw it at him

In the end i got sick of having a shitty cracked plate and i threw it in the bin where we should have dumped the pieces the first time round.

I actually have a shiny new plate on the horizon.

Love the plate analogy

I think if he goes it will set you back. Just the thought of it is stirring up negative feelings for you that you're already working very hard to surpress. At the moment your relationship is so fragile I think it would take very little additional strain to make it break. If I were him, I'd understand that and have patience. Obviously in time you would hope for business as usual, but it seems its too soon for you just now.

Not sure why I keep wanting to post. As far as I know my DH hasn’t had an affair so I’ve no experience of this. I think maybe it’s the openness and sadness of OP’s posts.
OP, I think that it’s good to try and survive this and try to keep your family together, as that’s what you want. Even though others might have tried and failed, and even though you might eventually try and fail. You could also try and end up succeeding.
It will take a bit of time to find out. It really does depend on how much your DP loves and wants his partner and family.

Well said

Your DH needs to grasp that you are trying to be okay about him going but actually you are really not

I could have written this post word for word,, except it was not a friend's wife but a woman half his age. We are still trying to rebuild 9 months later. My husband also had an annual boys' trip 5 months after my discovery but before I told him he couldn't go, he stated that he no longer wanted to go as these environments were not conducive to "focus on my wife and children' behaviour. He's trying really hard, doing everything he can to save our marriage but I'm still not sure of the final outcome. I want to try because of our children but also because I still love him. He acted selfishly without thought for me, he damaged my trust, perhaps irreparably, but after a lot of soul searching, I've come to the acceptance that life isn't perfect, people ofter take each other for granted and sometimes a devastating act like this can show what you mean to each other. I really hope you find peace within yourself to accept that trust in him isn't really the issue, it's whether you're prepared to take the risk of being betrayed again against the chance that something stronger. more sustainable and more realistic grows from this damage.

A similar thing happened in my relationship op. Not long had a baby and found out about my DH messaging another woman and a few other things. It was very very painful for me and like you, I felt it was during a very vulnerable time. I don’t think men really understand how debilitating having a new baby can be for women and how exposed we feel.
All the emotions that came with it. I used to think ‘how effing dare he’. He was very sorry and it took a long time to rebuild trust. Until eventually, I realised I hadn’t thought about it for a while. I think it probably took about two years before I got to that. And that was because my DH did everything he could to rebuild our relationship. I was quite awful to him during moments. Of course he deserved it, but it was part of the process.
Your husband going away has hit a nerve. I understand and I do think it’s too soon for him to just carry on as normal and be able to do these trips whilst you are still finding it hard. That is his fault and a consequence of his behaviour. If he wants to fix this and show that your feelings matter, he needs to accept it will take time and along the way he will have to make compromises. Just like you have in deciding to stay and forgive him.
My DH are now in a good place. Long relationships don’t just happen there is imperfection and forgiveness along the way.

He is potentially putting himself in the face of temptation, whether the intention is there or not. He knows, You know, & they all know there are going to be lots of young fit girls, & lots of drinking & lots of boys egging Boys on.
Is this really the position he wants to find himself in ?
Meanwhile you will be at home, hating the person he has made you become, & there's a chance that you get to the point where you just don't want to be that sad, hurt angry person any more.
So, he needs to decide if this skiing piss up is worth the potential lethal blow to his marriage.
& also, if he decides he's not going, to not mope about like a beaten fucking puppy

To be honest me getting away is never an issue, in fact he would encourage it if it helped me get to a happier place. So I can't complain in that respect. Which makes me feel even more shit for having a problem with this

You shouldn't feel bad about this - him supporting you going out is fine and expected, you aren't the one who has put the relationship in jeopardy and broken trust so there wouldn't be any reason for him to not support you having time away.

But he had an emotional affair (bad enough on it's own and even worse that he did it during a time you would need more love and support from him, having his baby). You, rightfully don't trust him now...and frankly I'm a bit disgusted he'd have the nerve to ask or even think that him going away alone at this time would be a good idea. I don't know when a good time would be...but right now isn't it. Do not feel guilty for not feeling ok with him wanting to go away, your feelings are founded.

I understand that you don't want to be the wife that says no. But the fact that he hasn't realized that on his own and has put you in this position when the relationship is not at an ok place yet is selfish of him - makes things worse. He shouldn't have even asked or hinted about wanting to go to this IMO. But clearly he is not considering how any of his actions will impact on someone else, only his own wants/feelings.

I know you want to try and repair your marriage and I know some relationships recover from this kind of thing...I just don't understand how. I'd never be able to trust that person again, ever.

Plate analogy was spot on.

He's putting the decision on you. He wants to go and wants you to be ok with that. TBH it's going to suck whatever he does. I would not tell him not to go and use the time for yourself. Learn to live with the new situation. It won't fix overnight and if you do recover as a relationship it will be different. Put some boundaries re expectations such as checking in and being transparent on phone messages in place. Make it clear he needs to work on the relationship with you. If he doesn't do that all the ski trips missed won't make any difference long term.

Op I'm sorry but I think this is the same issue as the emotional affair, just manifested in a different way.

One of the reasons why the EA hurt so much is because he was selfish when you were vulnerable.

His focus on going for a ski trip stag do is again him being selfish when you are vulnerable.

He seems to have very limited ability to put anyone else's needs first. If he could, he wouldn't even have thought about going.

You are being reasonable under normal circumstances to be happy he goes, but I think considering the circumstances, you're completely reasonable to ask him no to go.

He needs to earn back your trust and that doesn't happen overnight. He needs to accept that if he wants to continue with his marriage, things will change for a while, actually things have changed permanently. Your relationship will never be the same.

^^

This, absolutely no question.

I'm going to reiterate others - I'm in a similar situation without the the young children - my oh had a messaging / emotional affair that I believe was headed to the real thing 6 months ago.

There is no way he would even bring up going away anywhere right now - in terms of trying I can't fault him and he knows it may never be enough to bring the trust back - the only thing I do trust now is his regret - but is that regret at being caught or doing it in the first place I'm not sure I will ever know or trust.

If your oh has any understanding of the total devastation he has caused you he will not even hesitate at saying he won't go - without you having to offer any opinion on it

Wow, I am so overwhelmed with all of your replies. Thank you for taking the time to listen and for your thoughts. I have just got babies to bed and sitting here reading all, feeling very emotional.

I have struggled with all of this silently for nearly 8 months, until first meeting with counsellor a couple of weeks ago. Ive always found work a great distraction but being off on maternity made things harder I think, as you can feel isolated during that time anyway. Little one of course keeps you busy but you do have more time to think about things.

I started back to work on Monday and I think it was more of a milestone than I had really appreciated. People were kindly asking how all was and did I enjoy my time off etc and I found it really hard, like I was a big fake. It's hit me since a bit.

We have both struggled a lot this week, my emotions have been very up and down, and husband is struggling with guilt, seeing me upset and not being able to 'fix it'. I broke down this week with counsellor, which he said after a few sessions was a good thing as I seemed to have built a bit of a wall. I feel with that and now posting on here it's all kind of coming out, which can only be a good thing.

Whilst I'm not pleased some of you have had similar experiences, I am pleased and thankful you have taken the time to share it with me. It really helps to know I'm not alone on this path and that others too are experiencing similar.

@Howdidthathappen1 I'm sorry you are going through this too.

I think you are right in that I don't want to have to have an opinion, I don't want to have to make the decision and would have preferred he hadn't even asked.

I'm glad you are trying to work through things. And it sounds like your partner appreciates the scale of it and how it has hurt you.

@Brieandme thank you. I didn't think about the connection but yes I can see that.

@Mom2K thanks. Sometimes you just need to hear you aren't being unreasonable. And yes I am peeved that it's being put on me.

Of course he doesn’t mind you going away - you haven’t cheated on him. It’s not the same.

There are consequences to cheating (including emotional affairs) and eight months isn’t very long after breaking your heart. He shouldn’t expect you to trust him to go on a hedonistic five day party when your relationship is so fragile.

Just know its reasonable to say you’re uncomfortable with him going. I understand your decision for not telling others about the cheating, but it does make it easier for him to pretend as though nothing’s happened.

If you decide it’s going to be too emotional for you to accept him going, he shouldn’t be mad at you for being honest about your feelings. It doesn’t mean you’re being controlling and will never trust him to go away by himself ever again. It just means at this moment in time, your relationship is fragile and he needs to prioritise your feelings after betraying you.

P.s. your reasons aren’t selfish. You’re trying to keep your relationship together and you’re on high alert for events that might threaten it (like a five day stag parties!!). It’s not selfish.

I think you need to brutally honest with him. You are still feeling devastated but trying hard to forgive him and move onwards together. However it still feels fresh and you need more time, until counselling ends to see if you can both rebuild trust. Tell him you really need him to be focused on that goal with you, not going on holiday without you. Tell him it's not a done deal you can get over this and really need him to make you feel secure and special. If he offers to stay with you and work on your relationship it has a chance. If he complains or puts himself first I don't think it will work because you know you deserve at least for him to show commitment to you.

The majority of cheaters share similar traits. Unfortunately so do betrayed spouses, and one of those traits is being agreeable.

Op you need to examine why you feel so uncomfortable expressing your feelings about this. You should tell him you’re uncomfortable and upset about it and what he does with that will tell you everything you need to know. Because I wouldn’t dream of leaving my traumatised spouse to piss off on a week long hen do.

It’s very possible you’re in a fake reconciliation, and if you are, you need to know.

@Moost you have really conveyed your thoughts on here and in such a logical and hopeful way. Regarding your return to work and talking about your maternity leave , this is one of the problems which men being an arsehole like this creates - they turn us into liars like themselves. We have to cover up and lie or omit. When my ex H was an arsehole and was also found out he said that I was taking too long to "forgive" him. Now I realise what kind of behaviour that is. As I said he is my EX. Wishing you well with two little ones.