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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with soon to be husband

161 replies

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:02

I’m sorry if this is pretty long, I just have to vent and not sure what to do. I’m 34 and my soon to be husband is also 34 we currently live in a house rental and have been together for 6 years he also has a 7 year old that he has 50% of the time. We have been in a financial bind for years, he’s lost and gotten jobs as a truck driver and everytime he looses a job the bills and everything else is on me to survive until he gets a new job recently he lost a really good job being a cdl driver for a freight company bringing at least 1200/ week he lost it and now works for a 3rd party Amazon cdl driving position that brings home 550/week so things have been really stressful with me taking the majority of the hit rent being 2400 a month and all. Anyways we got into an argument yesterday because when we go out on outings he blatantly checks out other women, now I don’t care about this generally especially if we’re not together, it’s normal but I calmly asked he stop doing that while we’re together it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not at all trying to control him just asking for a little respect is all, and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do, but after arguing with him yesterday and just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word, and I understand that he’s stressed with the finances but I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental.

OP posts:
flabbygoldfish · 09/02/2023 18:38

so it is all about him. you seem to be falling over yourself to accommodate but when you raise an issue he just yells abuse and insults at you…

you seem to have every excuse under the sun for his failings, but I am not seeing much effort on his part to meet you halfway.

think back to the last really good thing he did for you, like really out of his way to show his appreciation. Bet you cannot remember…

Maze76 · 09/02/2023 19:27

You have serious problems if you accept his behaviour as normal.. it’s not!
He is displaying abusive , controlling and undermining behaviour and the second that ring is on your finger.. it’s over for you.

Raise the bar, raise your standards, love yourself and end the relationship, before you become a statistic.

Bassetlover · 09/02/2023 19:45

PeacefulPottering · 09/02/2023 17:18

Is this real???
He calls you a cunt
He ogles other women because he blames you for not dressing how he wants
He is shit with money and keeping jobs
You WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER?
Leave him and never look back.
You are being abused.

This!!! Just get out, for God's sake!

Bananalanacake · 09/02/2023 20:03

How about living apart and seeing him once a week. Then he can look after his own kid and pay his own rent.

barmycatmum · 09/02/2023 20:43

So … this creep blames his actions, his gawping at other women, on you not wearing revealing clothing? Bullshit. He’s flipping it around on you to take the attention off him, and it will only get worse.

this is the kind of lowlife who will have an affair and blame you. PLEASE DUMP HIM. Please show some self respect and kick him out. Please. Your future will NOT be happy, married to this cretin… I do not care what excuses you make for him (stress, etc) a decent man would not act this way.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/02/2023 20:53

Please don’t marry him
plead please don’t x

alwayscheery · 09/02/2023 21:03

Thank goodness you rent your home.
Thank goodness you are not Married.
Free yourself from this man and his son.
Imagine the peace and quiet. All your money to yourself, the remote control will be all yours
And all the bed to yourself.
Get out as soon as you can .

billy1966 · 09/02/2023 21:08

What a nasty abuser loser.

Why would you marry such a loser.

Clearly you have very little self respect and a very low relationship bar.

Marry him and your life will get a lot worse.

Do not have children with suchban awful man who speaks to you in such disgusting language.

Seek out therapy to figure out why you place no value on your life or future.

You deserve so much better than this man.

Do not marry him.

Pack up and get away asap.

TheLostGiraffe · 09/02/2023 21:29

I'm gobsmacked you'd even consider marrying this abusive, manipulative, disrespectful man, who on top of all of that can't even hold down a job. Why would you do that?

TheLostGiraffe · 09/02/2023 21:34

I’m just asking on what I can do on my end maybe be more supportive?

What? He's calling you a cunt, telling you what to wear, using you as an emotionao punchbag (your words), disrespecting you by staring at other women (yuk 🤮) while you pay his share of living costs and you want to know how you should be more supportive to him?

I'm utterly baffled. You cannot be serious. He's abusive. You need to dump him immediately.

Travelfan2021 · 09/02/2023 21:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Travelfan2021 · 09/02/2023 21:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Sousa · 09/02/2023 21:56

I doubt anyone will give any advice on 'how to support him' because everything you describe about him is disgusting.

If you still marrying him...please don't have kids! Sounds horrible environment to grew on!

iamenough2023 · 09/02/2023 22:26

Its astonishing how much we are willing to put up with and how far we are willing to go to excuse shitty behavior. He is not under pressure. He is an ashole.

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2023 22:31

You’re not the problem op apart from that you’re enabling this continual disrespect

Lozzerbmc · 09/02/2023 22:47

What to do to make it better? Pack your bags and leave this monstrous man you deserve better!

Sorchamarie · 10/02/2023 05:57

What you absolutely shouldn't do is to continue to bend over backwards to try to please this awful man, letting him walk all over you, and continue being verbally abusive towards you till you're well and truly broken. Seriously OP, this relationship is awful and if you stay he will destroy any self esteem you do have (which I can only assume must already be extremely low to put up with this behaviour in the first place). Please please get away from your him. You will absolutely look back in years to come if you don't and wish you'd taken everyone's advice.

Sorchamarie · 10/02/2023 06:05

I seriously hope this poster is just on the wind up. Otherwise it's distressing to think someone can be so blind to the truth (that her soon to be husband is a truly nasty specimen) and worrying that despite a near universal response saying she should get the hell away, she's still asking what she should do to make this man not treat her so horribly.

Sally2791 · 10/02/2023 06:20

Do not marry this foul man.

DirtyVeganFries · 10/02/2023 07:56

How to make it better ?

End the relationship

Find somewhere else to live

Work on yourself

Lili132 · 10/02/2023 08:41

So he mistreated you and abused you verbally and you're rewarding him with doing everything for him (enabling him) and finding excuses for him?

What he did is not ok and you should make it very clear to him. There is no excuse.

Did he apologise profusely for his behaviour?
Did he make a plan regarding dealing with his anxieties and stress in more healthy way?
Did he take time to understand his mistake and how to make sure it doesn't happen again?

Why are you the one bending over backwards for him? Where is your empathy and care for yourself?

You didn't deserve to be treated like this - looking at other women, calling you names etc is disrespectful. But you're the only person who can set boundaries and and decide how you want to ne treated.

Original poster
Y2marsargo · 10/02/2023 12:29

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say thank you so much for the amount of advice I received I really was not expecting it, I just now was able to make an appointment with a therapist for next week, especially after speaking to my mother and her pushing me for treatment on my depression and low self esteem, I think with an additional set of eyes looking into my relationship and maybe why I put up with so much, I may just push away from him and move on, but I know I just need help, 6 years being with someone and living with them not to mention spending so much time with his son makes my heart break knowing that if we break up I’ll never see them again.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 10/02/2023 12:33

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:30

@Travelfan2021 the clothing thing is that he wants me to dress or be more open in bedroom for him only, which I get it I want us to both compromise and spice things up in the bedroom every once in a while, but I do agree he’s had many partners in his younger days so I can see why he has that objectification towards women, it’s just with him making less now and jumping around jobs trying to figure out his career I’ve essentially became his punching bag I mean I get it I work from home so I’m here for him to take out his frustrations on but I’m just asking on what I can do on my end maybe be more supportive? Also I make more money than him so I don’t know if that’s also pissing him off.

You’re still not seeing it, even though you’ve now admitted he’s using you as a punching bag. There is NOTHING you can do to make this relationship ok. Having therapy while you’re still with him won’t help. As PPs have said, you need to leave, and then work on your self esteem.

GCAcademic · 10/02/2023 12:42

You're not going to be able to treat your depression and low self-esteem while you're in this relationship. It is causing your depression and low self-esteem, and they will only improve once you leave.

Original poster
Y2marsargo · 10/02/2023 12:47

@DPotter so we live in Florida, USA this state has more benefits to the employer than employee especially if it’s not union he has worked for ups freight where he had more protection while he was getting his CDL, and with Amazon they pay their drivers hourly when in they should pay by the Mile like most freight companies do, since he’s driving from say Orlando to Miami and back, despite the demand for drivers even here florida pays their employees terribly while inflation and rent are soaring, so he’s stressed out that I have to pay for everything he does want to help, I just think I shouldn’t have to be yelled at or be his emotional punching bag for our current situation, I’m going through it too, so I feel no emotional support from him, it’s always about his life and how he hates it, his anxiety and needing Xanax and his emotional well being he seems to think I’m to level headed to feel depression and anxiety.

OP posts:
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