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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Issues with soon to be husband

161 replies

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:02

I’m sorry if this is pretty long, I just have to vent and not sure what to do. I’m 34 and my soon to be husband is also 34 we currently live in a house rental and have been together for 6 years he also has a 7 year old that he has 50% of the time. We have been in a financial bind for years, he’s lost and gotten jobs as a truck driver and everytime he looses a job the bills and everything else is on me to survive until he gets a new job recently he lost a really good job being a cdl driver for a freight company bringing at least 1200/ week he lost it and now works for a 3rd party Amazon cdl driving position that brings home 550/week so things have been really stressful with me taking the majority of the hit rent being 2400 a month and all. Anyways we got into an argument yesterday because when we go out on outings he blatantly checks out other women, now I don’t care about this generally especially if we’re not together, it’s normal but I calmly asked he stop doing that while we’re together it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not at all trying to control him just asking for a little respect is all, and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do, but after arguing with him yesterday and just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word, and I understand that he’s stressed with the finances but I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 17:17

What on earth are you doing? Walk away from this idiot.

Bogeyes · 09/02/2023 17:18

He is not the man for you. Get out now. Find a man who will appreciate you.

Original poster

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:18

I wish I did but let me just clarify he has been dealing with an enormous amount of anxiety lately, and the argument escalated because (what I feel) since I’m the breadwinner he thinks I’m trying to control him which is not the case at all, I feel bad that he’s feeling this way I do care for him and otherwise we make a great team.

OP posts:

PeacefulPottering · 09/02/2023 17:18

Is this real???
He calls you a cunt
He ogles other women because he blames you for not dressing how he wants
He is shit with money and keeping jobs
You WANT TO KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT BETTER?
Leave him and never look back.
You are being abused.

ThePear · 09/02/2023 17:20

anxiety does not make someone be an abuser. That’s no excuse. You’re throwing your life away, it’s so sad you won’t see that.

stripedsox · 09/02/2023 17:21

If this is real. telling you straight then you are an idiot if you marry this waste of space.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/02/2023 17:23

I'll keep this brief

LTB

Buymyselfflowers · 09/02/2023 17:23

You might care for him but he’s treating you horribly. You told us what he did. Even if he has anxiety, that’s no excuse for his treatment of you.

lanbro · 09/02/2023 17:25

Do not marry him

Travelfan2021 · 09/02/2023 17:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Original poster

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:26

@takeaflight so he worked at ups for about 8 years, then for got another job at another freight company but before this he got hit by a boat while he was on a jet ski and caused severe sciatica, since Estes express isn’t a union he missed work and although excused in Florida they don’t have to accept it, essentially they fired him for missing days but is a good driver, so he’s had a good amount of odd jobs here and there and how is with Amazon.

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 09/02/2023 17:26

Dear lord woman get some self respect. Do not marry this man. This of this as your lucky escape.

Schnooze · 09/02/2023 17:27

You don’t make a great team. You make a great partner twisting yourself in all directions in order to be what he wants.

As pp say, if he’s like this before marriage, it’ll be dreadful when he’s got a ring on your finger.

He’s shown you who he is. Run. Fast.

catandcoffee · 09/02/2023 17:28

If this is truly how you're living .....why ?
How on earth in this day and age can you allow yourself to be so disrespected?

Stress ,anxiety do not cause a decent man to act this way.... he's talking Bullshit .

Do not have children with him. 🇨🇳

Original poster

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:30

@Travelfan2021 the clothing thing is that he wants me to dress or be more open in bedroom for him only, which I get it I want us to both compromise and spice things up in the bedroom every once in a while, but I do agree he’s had many partners in his younger days so I can see why he has that objectification towards women, it’s just with him making less now and jumping around jobs trying to figure out his career I’ve essentially became his punching bag I mean I get it I work from home so I’m here for him to take out his frustrations on but I’m just asking on what I can do on my end maybe be more supportive? Also I make more money than him so I don’t know if that’s also pissing him off.

OP posts:

Summer2424 · 09/02/2023 17:31

Hi @Y2marsargo sorry you're going through this x
You're defo the nice one in the relationship. I'm not going to advise you to break up with him or stay with him, only you know the answer.
I hope things workout out for you whatever decision you make. Sending you positive vibes xx

1stTimeMama · 09/02/2023 17:31

The only thing you can do to make this better, is leave him. He is treating you appallingly, and you're excusing it.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 09/02/2023 17:32

Just leave him. He sounds vile.

And for gods sake don't marry him! You'll be working yourself to death while he gets repeatedly sacked (because, vile, presumably) and leaves you carrying the can. And then you'll finally realise he's vile, and anything you've managed to save or buy he'll walk away with half of in a divorce.

Seriously OP. He can't hold down a job, he's got a child you're running round trying to sort out whatever need sorting, he's openly eyeing up other women (who probably want to go home and wash with a wire brush and dettol after clocking him leering at them), he want you to dress 'revealing' (boak) but only when no one else can see you like you're some kind of decorative posession, he calls you vicious names, rows with you when you're running yourself into the ground trying to fix all manner of shit that he's causing because 'it makes him feel bad'.

What actual benefit does he bring to your life? It sounds to me like he just makes it harder! Surely you know you're better than this?!

pointythings · 09/02/2023 17:32

If things are this bad why are you even contemplating still marrying him? Walk away, you can do so much better.

Catoo · 09/02/2023 17:33

What you can do to make things better?

Leave this person as soon as you safely can.

FenghuangHoyan · 09/02/2023 17:33

I suffer from anxiety (recieving treatment for it currently) and I've been through a hell of a lot in the recent year and I've never called my partner a bitch, let alone anything else. That's no excuse.

Also, checking out other women and then blaming you for it is out of order. I'm not sure what you're getting out of this.

GoldDuster · 09/02/2023 17:33

Jesus Christ alive.

Do not marry him, leave him. Leave him. Leave him. Leave him.

Rent an apartment, pack your things and leave him.

There is nothing else to be done. You feel like his emotional punchbag because that's what you are to him. That, and something to clean and cook and pay the bills and care for his child.

What can you do to be more supportive? Who cares, how about you support yourself for a change and get away from this moron.

In case that wasn't clear, you need to leave him.

TheChoiceIsYours · 09/02/2023 17:34

Sorry but until you find some self respect there isn’t much advice anyone on here can give you. It’s horrifying to think this might be real - you are genuinely asking us how we can help you be more of a doormat to this nasty twat. I’m really at a loss as to what to say, only that you need a lot of therapy, fast.

What has happened to you, to make you think this is all you’re worth? 😢

When was the last time HE posted on a forum, or even gave a second thought, to how he can improve your relationship or do more for you?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/02/2023 17:34

PeacefulPottering · 09/02/2023 17:18

This. He is never going to improve. Your life will improve out of all recognition if you dump his sorry arse. Marrying him would be a huge mistake.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/02/2023 17:35

How can you make life nicer for him? Well, you're already funding him while he abuses you. Dunno. Maybe tell him he can stay home all the time and not bother about supporting himself because you will do it, and keep your tits out so he can have a squeeze whenever he feels like it?

FGS, leave him. And ask yourself why you think he's what you deserve.

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