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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with soon to be husband

161 replies

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:02

I’m sorry if this is pretty long, I just have to vent and not sure what to do. I’m 34 and my soon to be husband is also 34 we currently live in a house rental and have been together for 6 years he also has a 7 year old that he has 50% of the time. We have been in a financial bind for years, he’s lost and gotten jobs as a truck driver and everytime he looses a job the bills and everything else is on me to survive until he gets a new job recently he lost a really good job being a cdl driver for a freight company bringing at least 1200/ week he lost it and now works for a 3rd party Amazon cdl driving position that brings home 550/week so things have been really stressful with me taking the majority of the hit rent being 2400 a month and all. Anyways we got into an argument yesterday because when we go out on outings he blatantly checks out other women, now I don’t care about this generally especially if we’re not together, it’s normal but I calmly asked he stop doing that while we’re together it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not at all trying to control him just asking for a little respect is all, and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do, but after arguing with him yesterday and just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word, and I understand that he’s stressed with the finances but I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental.

OP posts:
samqueens · 09/02/2023 17:35

Read (discreetly) Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app)

If you decide to leave I’d suggest you speak to son’s mother about fathers abuse if you can. I am sure she has some idea (and probably her own experience of same), but if you two split up and he still has his son to stay, it would be good she’s aware that his behaviour continues to be unsafe.

good luck

Mumoftwoinprimary · 09/02/2023 17:35

Can you explain how you make a great team? What do you contribute to the team and what does he contribute?

Longtimeloiterer · 09/02/2023 17:35

I know you've been together for a while but, please, he has zero respect for you and is behaving like a shit, call it a day.

Original poster
Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:36

@PottyMouther thank you! And I am considering getting therapy to talk to someone about my issues and my relationship, I’ve been pretty down lately and that argument yesterday kinda threw me over the edge, I didn’t clarify enough in my original post, but he’s wanting me to dress a little more provocative just around him, which even if I do I doubt that will stop his wandering eye and I’m not opposed to it, it is totally normal I just want that he doesn’t do it infront of me atleast not so noticeable, it just hurts.

OP posts:
TeamadIshbel · 09/02/2023 17:36

"I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental."

This answers your question. Stop enabling the nasty behaviour, he's not the one for you. You seem to want to "fix him". This will never, never happen. Get out ASAP.

TheDogsMother · 09/02/2023 17:36

Oh Lovely, please stop justifying his vile behaviour. This is not how a man treats the person he is supposed to want to marry. It will not get better so, as hard as it is now, please walk away.

AdoraBell · 09/02/2023 17:37

Don’t marry him. This will get worse and there will be an excuse for why he is abusing you.

Walk away because you are worth so much more.

FenghuangHoyan · 09/02/2023 17:40

It's not totally normal to be eyeing up women when you're engaged to be married. That's the part where you should be all over your fiancée. I really don't understand why you're excusing him checking out other women, especially when you're around. Thats demeaning, as is telling you to dress more revealingly so he doesn't.

And what will he ask / demand of you next?

Justmeandthedog1 · 09/02/2023 17:42

Walk, Now. Do not look back.
My bet is if you marry he’ll work less and less or not at all, and you’ll get left to pay everything. This happened to me.
He’s so disrespectful ogling other women when he’s with you.
Get rid of him.

Bionesque · 09/02/2023 17:43

People in troubled relationships will often decide to marry in an unconscious attempt to make things better.

But the only thing that's going to make things better is you leaving.

SheilaFentiman · 09/02/2023 17:43

OP, not one poster has said “do this or that to help him more” - everyone thinks you should leave.

Doesn’t that tell you something?

Creditscoredrop · 09/02/2023 17:43

Please read what you’ve written and tell me where on God’s green earth his behaviour is acceptable. Is this for real? Why are you trying to please this complete asshat of a man. Leave now. Run!

CantFindTheBeat · 09/02/2023 17:45

OP, a wandering eye is not normal. Please don't believe it is.

Consider if you have a daughter with this man. Would you want him being her role model for a future partner?

Please want more for yourself and (her).

Motnight · 09/02/2023 17:45

He doesn't respect you. He doesn't like you. He spends your money. You look after his son.

You need to get rid of him.

Penguinsaregreat · 09/02/2023 17:45

Pack a suitcase and leave.

GCAcademic · 09/02/2023 17:46

This is going to get even worse if you marry him. And if you have a baby with him, prepare for the physical violence to start. You've been warned.

perfectcolourfound · 09/02/2023 17:46

Are you actually serious about wanting to stay with this man? Why??

You said several things about him that ought to be enough for you to leave him, on their own:

It isn't normal for men to check out women all the time. Men and women both sometimes notice attractive other people, but if they have any respect at all for their OH, they don't show it. He is showing an appalling lack of respect or care for you, and a lack of respect for the poor women he's learing at.

Then when you mention it upsets ypu, he blames you for his bad behaviour and refuses to change, despite knowing it, reasonably, upsets you.

He calls you a bitch and a cunt. I wouldn't stay a day longer with a man who called me a cunt. When you imagined your future husband, did you dream of someone who called you a cunt and leared at other women?

You seem to think that because he's stressed it makes all this OK. It doesn't. Especially as he's the one causing the stress. What about the stress you're feeling by being the only earner? Does he worry about the effect of that on you?

Why do you think it's your job to make things better? He's a vile man who takes advantage of you. It isn't our job to put right problems that he has created. Why are you taking care of his son? It's his son, so primarily his responsibilty, especially as he isn't working like you are. Why are you doing all the cooking and cleansing? He isn't going to work so should be doing most of that right now. And when he gets a job, you should be sharing those jobs.

He is showing you that he has little respect or care for you. You are falling over yourself to keep a man who doesn't deserve it. You would be so much happier without him.

JessicaFletcherscrewnecksweater · 09/02/2023 17:47

Do not marry this absolute loser.

He’s disgusting and sexist. Why does he keep losing jobs? I don’t even care, he’s gross.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 17:49

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:14

I’m so sorry so I typed this in to fast he wants me to wear revealing clothing only to him in the home not outside of it.

Nope. Just No to everything in this post and him checking out other women in front of you. Very narcissistic behaviour.
Why does he keep losing jobs? Truck drivers are in massive demand.
Do not marry him.

Chrimbob · 09/02/2023 17:49

He's got a brilliant deal - you parent his child, earn the money, do everything in the house. And you're still running around trying to do more for him. This is no partnership - he treats you like a servant except you're paying for the privilege.

perfectcolourfound · 09/02/2023 17:50

Sorry for my typos above. I was so appalled at what you're putting up with, I couldn't get it down fast enough!

PlanningTowns · 09/02/2023 17:50

L.E.A.V.E.

Eyerollcentral · 09/02/2023 17:51

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:36

@PottyMouther thank you! And I am considering getting therapy to talk to someone about my issues and my relationship, I’ve been pretty down lately and that argument yesterday kinda threw me over the edge, I didn’t clarify enough in my original post, but he’s wanting me to dress a little more provocative just around him, which even if I do I doubt that will stop his wandering eye and I’m not opposed to it, it is totally normal I just want that he doesn’t do it infront of me atleast not so noticeable, it just hurts.

Men look at women. It’s not normal to do it so it makes your partner aware of it or feel uncomfortable. A respectful partner doesn’t do that. Do not marry him.

Tamarindtree · 09/02/2023 17:51

I’ve said this time and time again, you only have one life.

Spend it with someone who loves, respects, cherishes and brings happiness to your life.

This man is giving you only one thing - a hard time!

Hw contributes nothing to your life other than insecurity and misery and abuse.

You can do so much better.

dickdarstardlymuttley · 09/02/2023 17:51

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:36

@PottyMouther thank you! And I am considering getting therapy to talk to someone about my issues and my relationship, I’ve been pretty down lately and that argument yesterday kinda threw me over the edge, I didn’t clarify enough in my original post, but he’s wanting me to dress a little more provocative just around him, which even if I do I doubt that will stop his wandering eye and I’m not opposed to it, it is totally normal I just want that he doesn’t do it infront of me atleast not so noticeable, it just hurts.

Of course it hurts. There's nothing worse than emotional pain. Please see a therapist and check out your self esteem / worth.