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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Issues with soon to be husband

161 replies

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:02

I’m sorry if this is pretty long, I just have to vent and not sure what to do. I’m 34 and my soon to be husband is also 34 we currently live in a house rental and have been together for 6 years he also has a 7 year old that he has 50% of the time. We have been in a financial bind for years, he’s lost and gotten jobs as a truck driver and everytime he looses a job the bills and everything else is on me to survive until he gets a new job recently he lost a really good job being a cdl driver for a freight company bringing at least 1200/ week he lost it and now works for a 3rd party Amazon cdl driving position that brings home 550/week so things have been really stressful with me taking the majority of the hit rent being 2400 a month and all. Anyways we got into an argument yesterday because when we go out on outings he blatantly checks out other women, now I don’t care about this generally especially if we’re not together, it’s normal but I calmly asked he stop doing that while we’re together it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not at all trying to control him just asking for a little respect is all, and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do, but after arguing with him yesterday and just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word, and I understand that he’s stressed with the finances but I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental.

OP posts:
DPotter · 09/02/2023 18:07

Y2marsargo

Are you in the UK ? A couple of things you say suggest to me your not. Not that it makes any difference to the bottom line - this man isn't the right man for you.

Currently in the UK there is a shortage of HGV drivers, who consequently are commanding high rates of pay. I'd be looking very carefully at anyone is that sort of employment market (where there's a shortage of trained staff) who loses a job and can only get another at half the rate of pay of the last job he had).

Certainly if you are in the UK £2400 will rent you a very nice detached house even here in the expensive south east.

Again bottom line - he is treating you very badly, has a dodgy sounding employment history, shouts abuse at you and lets you care for his child. None of this is good. Take a deep breath and start looking for a new flat just for yourself. Call off the wedding and if you loose money - just think of it as an investment in your future. And delay getting into any other relationships before you've had some therapy to tighten up those boundaries

MingeofDeath · 09/02/2023 18:08

JFC woman, stop making excuses for this shitstain of a man and get rid of him.

Sunriseinwonderland · 09/02/2023 18:08

Er......

Why are you marrying this horrible man. He has zero respect for you. Do you have very low self esteem? Afraid to be alone? He is blatantly using you and it sounds like he doesn't even like you.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 09/02/2023 18:08

just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word

Please let your next post be 'I've booted him out and the wedding's off. He an beg all he like, I'm not taking him back after that abuse.'

what should I do to make things better?

You can't and you shouldn't try. He is an abusive arsehole - and a woman doesn't need that in her life.

MMUmum · 09/02/2023 18:08

If you had a daughter and she was telling you this about her partner, what woud your reaction be? Surely you can see that this man is not marriage material, please walk away and stay safe.

flabbygoldfish · 09/02/2023 18:08

what should I do to make things better?

Ditch him and find better. Anyone who spoke to me like he does to you would be kicked to the kerb.

He fails to pull his weight around the house & financially expects you to prop him up. the fact he cannot hold onto a job is a huge red flag. Plus it is not your job to look after his son, that is his.

this is a cocklodger in waiting - don’t fall for it.

steff13 · 09/02/2023 18:09

He's a twatwaffle, and you should dump him ASAP.

But it's pretty clear you're going to defend him, so I wish you luck.

Snugglemonkey · 09/02/2023 18:10

Do not tie yourself to this man. It will ruin your life.

perfectcolourfound · 09/02/2023 18:10

Relationships are not meant to be painful. They are meant to make your life (both your lives) better, not worse. Someone who loves you shows you they love you, instinctively and actively. They don't insult you, criticise you, eye up other women and blame you, expect you to do all the working, the cooking, the cleaning and the childcare. They support you and care for you and want you to be happy.

Once you are married it is harder to break away. Not impossible of course, but emotionally, legally, practically, harder. Why would you actively walk in to a marriage that you know already won't make you happy, and will make your life harder?

PLEASE walk away now. And seek some therapy so you can understand and work on your self esteem. Don't accept someone treating you like crap. This is a life partnership you're talking about. Someone who should have your back and build you up, someone who's proud to be with you. If he treats you this badly now, it will be so much worse once you're married. It never improves, it only gets worse.

InLoveWithPandora · 09/02/2023 18:10

@Y2marsargo reading through your posts you seem to be overly hung up on what your OH feels and making excuses for him.

Bottom line - think about how he makes YOU feel and ask yourself if this is the man you want to dedicate the rest of your life to.

Based on your posts I’d ditch him. My OH would NEVER in a million years speak to me using such foul language and doesn’t check out other woman either. You deserve better!

JimHensonWasAGenius · 09/02/2023 18:11

Let me guess OP, you had no strong female role models growing up?

Otherwise why would anyone put up with this shit?

Are you so desperate?

TomatoSandwiches · 09/02/2023 18:12

My husband and I have disagreements but never once has he resorted to calling me a bitch or a cunt.
Please set your standards higher and leave this abusive and manipulative excuse of a man.

Octopusmittens · 09/02/2023 18:12

Do not marry this arsehole. LTB immediately.

Lavender14 · 09/02/2023 18:12

You can hear yourself right? You leave him and you don't look back. He's being abusive towards you by a) making you more responsible for finances than you're able to manage b) calling you names and being intimidating and c) gaslighting to into wearing certain things.

Ditch him please this will only get worse. Better on the shelf than locked into the wrong cupboard.

Skodacool · 09/02/2023 18:12

and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do
Why? Whatever you do to ‘please’ him will never be enough. Get rid of him.

TicTac80 · 09/02/2023 18:13

Bloody hell!! He sounds awful. Please please don't marry him. He's rude, has no respect for you at all, and is abusive. This abuse will escalate. You're already doubting yourself, making excuses for him etc.

I was the same with one of my ex's. I was really young at the time, typical frog in a pan of boiling water scenario, I just didn't see it coming, I made excuses for him and thought that if I only did x, y and z, or changed a/b/c, like he said, then he wouldn't treat me like he did. Except nothing I did changed things. He would change the goal posts, and the abuse ramped up. I thank the gods every day I didn't marry him or have kids with him, and that I left (after 3 yrs).

Funnily enough, I still see him about town from time to time and he's as polite and nice to me as can be. Just like he was when I first met him. It shows that sort of behaviour is a choice. I'm betting that your "D"P wouldn't call his boss/best mate/mum/a police officer/judge/whoever a bitch/cunt. Why is he doing this to you? The person he's engaged to and wants to marry? Whether he's in your company or theirs, he still has the issues with sciatica/jobs/life/money. I've not even addressed the disrespect he shows you by eyeing up other women, but it's all entwined. I hope that you leave him, and don't marry him. I hope that you don't fall for his love-bombing. Good luck x

Theeaglesoared · 09/02/2023 18:13

OP why is your self esteem so low that you're effectively begging this (pathetic) man to love you?

LAMPS1 · 09/02/2023 18:13

Why are you trying to fix him and save him. You shouldn’t be trying to do that before marriage - not even with a man who adores you and cares for you let alone with an abuser who is taking terrible advantage of your naivety.
It isn’t your job to improve him or make excuses for his abuse or to dress provocatively to keep him from eyeing up other women. That’s so very demeaning OP. He uses you, then blames you, then abuses you. You are caught in that cycle while all the time enabling him to continue.
He has zero respect for you and consequently, you have none for yourself.
You are on a hiding to nothing if you continue with this man.
Please, please walk away from him before it’s too late, and then seek some therapy for yourself. Have courage OP.

butterfliedtwo · 09/02/2023 18:14

Sorry but until you find some self respect there isn’t much advice anyone on here can give you. It’s horrifying to think this might be real - you are genuinely asking us how we can help you be more of a doormat to this nasty twat. I’m really at a loss as to what to say, only that you need a lot of therapy, fast.
What has happened to you, to make you think this is all you’re worth? 😢

Exactly what I thought. Please value yourself more. This is such sad reading.

Dery · 09/02/2023 18:15

“Seriously OP. He can't hold down a job, he's got a child you're running round trying to sort out whatever need sorting, he's openly eyeing up other women (who probably want to go home and wash with a wire brush and dettol after clocking him leering at them), he want you to dress 'revealing' (boak) but only when no one else can see you like you're some kind of decorative posession, he calls you vicious names, rows with you when you're running yourself into the ground trying to fix all manner of shit that he's causing because 'it makes him feel bad'.”

This, OP. He sounds like he causes you an awful lot of trouble and very little joy. I think marrying him would be a serious mistake.

Always4Brenner · 09/02/2023 18:15

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:14

I’m so sorry so I typed this in to fast he wants me to wear revealing clothing only to him in the home not outside of it.

Controlling behave I’ve read your first post it horrifies me I hope you’re cancelling the wedding make getting out this will not get any better. Please leave now before your life is ruined.

Tinkerbyebye · 09/02/2023 18:17

Leave

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/02/2023 18:20

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:18

I wish I did but let me just clarify he has been dealing with an enormous amount of anxiety lately, and the argument escalated because (what I feel) since I’m the breadwinner he thinks I’m trying to control him which is not the case at all, I feel bad that he’s feeling this way I do care for him and otherwise we make a great team.

I couldn't read anything past this. You say you make a great team? What team? There is no team. FFS WTF is wrong with you? He calls you the c word, yells at you, cant hold a job, letching at other women and has no respect for you. You must have an issue with not understanding the situation you are in. DO NOT GET MARRIED!!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/02/2023 18:25

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:30

@Travelfan2021 the clothing thing is that he wants me to dress or be more open in bedroom for him only, which I get it I want us to both compromise and spice things up in the bedroom every once in a while, but I do agree he’s had many partners in his younger days so I can see why he has that objectification towards women, it’s just with him making less now and jumping around jobs trying to figure out his career I’ve essentially became his punching bag I mean I get it I work from home so I’m here for him to take out his frustrations on but I’m just asking on what I can do on my end maybe be more supportive? Also I make more money than him so I don’t know if that’s also pissing him off.

WTF am I reading! This cannot be real. I refuse to believe anyone can be so delusional. If this is true and not a wind up then OP, I dont think you will take on board any advice. You'll stay with this POS and have kids and suffer all your life. Because you want to. You make a great team eh. Please continue to dig a hole for yourself

lopsees · 09/02/2023 18:26

You deserve better. Whether you believe it or not, this is the true.
Do not marry him

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