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Original poster

Issues with soon to be husband

161 replies

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:02

I’m sorry if this is pretty long, I just have to vent and not sure what to do. I’m 34 and my soon to be husband is also 34 we currently live in a house rental and have been together for 6 years he also has a 7 year old that he has 50% of the time. We have been in a financial bind for years, he’s lost and gotten jobs as a truck driver and everytime he looses a job the bills and everything else is on me to survive until he gets a new job recently he lost a really good job being a cdl driver for a freight company bringing at least 1200/ week he lost it and now works for a 3rd party Amazon cdl driving position that brings home 550/week so things have been really stressful with me taking the majority of the hit rent being 2400 a month and all. Anyways we got into an argument yesterday because when we go out on outings he blatantly checks out other women, now I don’t care about this generally especially if we’re not together, it’s normal but I calmly asked he stop doing that while we’re together it makes me uncomfortable, I’m not at all trying to control him just asking for a little respect is all, and he just flips out saying that the only reason why he does that is because I don’t dress in revealing clothing which, I’m now actively trying to do, but after arguing with him yesterday and just telling him how I feel he yells at me and calls me a bitch and cunt, I was just shocked I mean he’s called me a bitch before but not the C word, and I understand that he’s stressed with the finances but I just feel like his emotional punching bag, what should I do to make things better? I’m trying to just solve some of his issues like taking care of his son, cooking cleaning and working so we can continue to stay at our rental.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 09/02/2023 17:52

A marriage is supposed to be a meeting of equals. Would he dress provocatively for you? Would you ogle men when you are out and about? Would he accept being called a nasty derogatory name?
The answer would a No Wouldn't it?
That's no way to start a marriage.
Kick him the kerb.
Whose name is the tenancy agreement in? Show him the way out .
That rent is incredibly high. You can get a 3 bed semi around here for about £1500 pcm and I live in one of the most expensive areas outside London.

QueefQueen80s · 09/02/2023 17:53

He shouldn't even be checking out other women when he's not with you, nevermind when he is. The stuff women put up with!

BeachBlondey · 09/02/2023 17:53

Y2marsargo · 09/02/2023 17:36

@PottyMouther thank you! And I am considering getting therapy to talk to someone about my issues and my relationship, I’ve been pretty down lately and that argument yesterday kinda threw me over the edge, I didn’t clarify enough in my original post, but he’s wanting me to dress a little more provocative just around him, which even if I do I doubt that will stop his wandering eye and I’m not opposed to it, it is totally normal I just want that he doesn’t do it infront of me atleast not so noticeable, it just hurts.

If he's openly eyeing up other women when you are there, I dread to think what he gets up to when you're not. He sounds like a letch. And what's with the blackmail? Unless you dress up for me, your punishment will be that I will ogle other women in front of you. Have you any idea how sick and manipulative that is? I wouldn't marry him. It will get worse and worse. As well as being the breadwinner, I bet you do most of the housework and care of his son?

Panjandrum123 · 09/02/2023 17:53

@Y2marsargo if he keeps losing jobs, what is he doing (or not doing) to be laid off so frequently? Is it just the sciatica?

I understand you want to please him but do you like wearing more revealing or provocative clothing, even if it’s just at home?

It doesn’t sound like a very equal relationship and he may well be very stressed but still no excuse for the c word. You shouldn’t have to apologise for being the better earner.

With this and the way he is behaving, checking other women out, he doesn’t sound like a catch.

Please think twice about staying with him and definitely don’t marry him.You can’t fix him, or his life, it really won’t get better once you’re married. But it will cost you more 💲

Brakebackcyclebot · 09/02/2023 17:54

Please do go for some therapy, or coaching - this is an abusive relationship. He is coercive, controlling and may well be physically dangerous.

Please leave him.

EMUKE · 09/02/2023 17:55

Please evaluate yourself!!! YOURSELF! you are 34y still very young! Get rid of this guy unfortunately love is not enough. How dare he! Would you let anyone speak to your mother/daughter/sister in this way? NO so why would you except this! You can go on and meet someone with a great job lifestyle and before you know it you could be engaged married with mortgage and babies… please do not settle! I’d rather be by myself than ever except someone who called me Bitch let alone Cunt. Disgusting. You will let in what you allow remember that. In life you meet people for 3 reasons… 1. You need them, 2. They need you 3. You need each other. I feel you should leave and better yourself I hope you have a good support unit. This is NOT ok! Xx

Kitkatandcoffee · 09/02/2023 17:55

He is emotionally abusing you. Leave him he will never change. Why do you have to start wearing revealing clothing to keep him happy.
Most men in relationships don’t check out other women to that extent.
you are just there to pay the bills, look after his child and be his emotional punch bag.

Whatmarbles · 09/02/2023 17:55

You have started wearing revealing clothing because him!

Bollocks to that, leave him and work on your self worth.

Andypandy799 · 09/02/2023 17:56

@Y2marsargo very few redeeming qualities for your dp but I get that you don’t want to admit he’s a loser. Speaking as a man to blatantly ogle women in front of you shows how much respect he has.

Spicing up your sex life has nothing to do with this. Do you think he could keep his dick in his pants if you weren’t there and some bimbo offered it to him on a plate?

How old are you and do you want your own children?

Thesharkradar · 09/02/2023 17:58

get rid of this millstone around your neck

Pipsquiggle · 09/02/2023 18:00

He sounds awful and treats you appallingly.
My advice would be to leave and move to a cheaper place

ZaphodDent · 09/02/2023 18:00

You are tolerating and excusing absolutely appalling behaviour on his part.

Normally when people get a load of LTBs it helps them realise they are being treated like shit and are with an absolute loser.

But you don't sound like you're getting it at all. You sound like you're definitely going to marry him.

What's happened in your life to think he could possibly be a good husband for you?

What was your Dad like?

Cocobutt · 09/02/2023 18:00

Sometimes if we want someone to respect us, we need to respect ourselves first.

He does not respect or like you.

You doing things to please him isn’t going to change that.

Work on your own self respect, self worth and recognising how you deserve to be treated, before trying to keep coming up with ways to win his respect which isn’t going to happen.

tara66 · 09/02/2023 18:00

@Y2marsargo Sorry but I just keep thinking maybe he would be happy with one of those to order blow up life sized sex ''dolls'' (they've been on TV)? He could dress it as he liked and it could sit on sofa! Except unfortunately I think they cost £3000+.but then you could leave him - don't know how his child would manage though!

NearlyMidnight · 09/02/2023 18:01

Leave. You cannot make this better. He is a bully, aggressive, has no respect. This will only get worse especially if you have a child. Don't wait until he hits you or has an affair.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 09/02/2023 18:02

This has to be a fake, surely. Why are you even considering marrying this man, and why have you put up with this shit for 6 years ? He can’t hold down a job and relies on you to pay the bills whenever he loses one. He’s utterly disrespectful of you by openly ogling other women while you’re out together and blames you for this not wearing enough revealing clothes. Then to top it off he actually doesn’t want you to wear revealing clothes outside, but just for him !! And when you attempt to tell him how you feel, he freaks out and calls you names. I think you know that no amount of stress, financial or otherwise, excuses this. It’s abuse. I mean this in the gentlest possible way, but if you act like a doormat he will wipe his feet on you. You’ve been cooking and cleaning looking after his child and generally trying to keep things together, presumably even while he’s been out of work and you’re working on top of everything else. And now, you’re pandering to his fantasies by wearing revealing clothing at his request, even though you wouldn’t normally ? He’s taking the piss, he’s abusing you and if you marry him it will get worse. Dump him and the first available opportunity and be glad you saw the light before it got a lot more complicated.

Mum2jenny · 09/02/2023 18:03

Get rid asap of the loser

SweetStrawberry · 09/02/2023 18:04

What do you mean that 'blatantly' checking out other women is normal? It isn't.

Please raise the bar.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 09/02/2023 18:05

Omg do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this? It doesn't Have to be this way! You sound genuinely lovely and he doesn't deserve your love and support at all. The mental health card he's playing is art of the abusers script to keep you in this shitty relationship. You are not his therapy dog. Has he even been to the GP about his mH?

CosyBobbleHat · 09/02/2023 18:05

Dump him and rent somewhere smaller on yer own

hellobethyname · 09/02/2023 18:05

So he keeps losing jobs
You earn more
He ogles other women in front of you
He calls you cunt and bitch
He is trying to control what clothes you wear

And you want to know how to be more supportive?

Step back and read that out loud and ask yourself if this was your sister , or friend, or daughter, what you would say to that .

ZekeZeke · 09/02/2023 18:05

Please stop making excuses for him.
He doesn't love or respect you.
Dont marry him, please don't tie yourself to this abuser.

OnaBegonia · 09/02/2023 18:06

Why are you concentrating on the money? he calls you a cunt, tells you how to dress, can't look after his son, ogles other women and blames you.
Are you desperate? get rid, there's no future with this waste of skin.

Mannymoomin · 09/02/2023 18:07

Why are you saying it’s normal that as a man, he is allowed to look at other women?

We are not here to be looked at by men, and men are not here to look at women, I think you need to change your mindset on this, yes lots of men look at women, doesn’t mean they should, or that we should put up with it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 09/02/2023 18:07

SweetStrawberry · 09/02/2023 18:04

What do you mean that 'blatantly' checking out other women is normal? It isn't.

Please raise the bar.

@SweetStrawberry is absolutely correct, @Y2marsargo - a man who respects and loves you will not check out other women, ‘blatantly’ or otherwise.

YOU deserve better - please know that.

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