Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

[HereComeTheICKS]

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

God that was so long sorry.

ICK. Dump him

I do feel a bit mean because he can be lovely. He never gets cross or shouts. Doesn’t gamble or drink to excess.

He will occasionally buy a gift unprompted but I’ve realised today that they are only ever things he is interested in and ways that he is improving my setup like desk based tech for example. And I’ve often felt like he’s saying my stuff isn’t good enough. This feels condescending but I’m sure he’s never meant it to be that way.

He's not going to change so it depends wether you want to spend the rest of your life like this or not really? I wouldn't!

I think financial compatibility is really important. The way someone views and uses money varies such a lot. If you're already finding yourself thinking of him as a tight-arse, you can bet things aren't going to get any better, as someone this "careful" doesn't change their approach.

Re the whiney toddler hug thing, ugh! You could try vomiting into his lap next time he does it 😁 but yes, awful that you feel pressured into this sort of thing. (I'd be the same)

I’d never ask him to change.

I don’t understand why it’s all suddenly too much for me when really, he has been this way for years.

can you past the ICK if it wasn’t an instant ICK for you previously?

Perhaps the sudden feeling of pressure is because you know deep down this isn't right for you and you want to get out? Almost like a subtle fight or flight instinct?

Regardless, you've got the ick over 2 things that he is very unlikely to change. Both also have an undertone of selfishness. I'd say get rid, these icks will only get worse

I think the clue might lie in the word "yet" when you say:
Don’t live together yet

I’m worried it’s me. That I’ve somehow become a real grump over the past few weeks and can’t tolerate him.

I don’t want to throw away something that has worked for years over this but I can’t unsee it and everyday I’m noticing more things that I can’t cope with.

it’s not fair to him to change the goal posts when I’ve seemingly been ok with this stuff for so long is it?

The hair stroking and arms out for a hug reminds me of a toddler, not a fully grown man. I have the serious ick even thinking about him.
You think it's annoying now, imagine him in 5-10 yrs.

Sorry OP, even I've got the ick now.

All of this sounds such hard work, surely it cannot be enjoyable. Who wants to shag a tightarse man-child? What do you get from this relationship?

I don’t even want to think about how needy he will be in 15 years!

Have you tried talking to him about it? My DH is quite touchy feely and I shrug him off or just say "get off me". We had a chat about how sometimes I like a cuddle but other times I don't so now he doesn't take it personally if I tell him to leave me alone.

I would also have a frank discussion about the money.

If after discussing it you still feel the ick then you can make a decision

My friend once dumped a man over the way he ate an apple. That was the ick.

What you’ve described is a fundamental incompatibility over money and a dislike of being manipulated into touching him, or letting him touch you. Those things aren’t just little things that you could potentially ignore. These are warning signs telling you not to get in any deeper with him than you are already.

I do feel a bit mean because he can be lovely. He never gets cross or shouts. Doesn’t gamble or drink to excess These are absolute basics required from someone you’re in a relationship with. He doesn’t get extra credit just because he’s not horrible to you and isn’t addicted to anything. He’s supposed to be lovely to you. That’s the difference between boyfriends and passing acquaintances. That doesn’t mean that you have to go along with what he wants.

And I wonder what he’d say if you told him that your love language was financial?

I’ve got the ick now too. He doesn’t seem to value you for you only what you can bring to him.

Rather than assuming he won't change, why don't you actually bring this up with him? There will always be aspects of your partner that irk you, but if it's something you don't feel you can move past then you need to mention it to him.

Some men just actually need telling in simplistic terms. Just be honest and say all the things that are bothering you about him and that you don't see your future with someone like that. Then you know you've at least given him a chance to change.

I can't stand people that are unnecessarily mean with money - so you're not weird for feeling that way and I wouldn't want to be with someone like tang either.

I think you should verbalise the things you’re thinking. Even if it’s “I don’t fancy a hug right now, maybe later” or “with the cost of everything going up, would you mind chipping in for the cost of food rather than me having to pay for it every time” or “It’s important to me that we plan a holiday, we should do that before moving in”. At least then he’d have a clue.

I have the ick now imagining a big needy man-baby complete with manipulative baby voice!! You don’t even live with him yet so imagine how much worse it will be then…

You can by all means tell him these issues bother you and see if things improve…but the ick would more likely get worse over time and especially if you were living together.

Once you've got the ick, it just gets worse I'm afraid. Throw him back.

i know I should talk to him. It just feels mean to bring it all up at once.

I recently asked him to stop calling me cute. It was just making me feel demeaned and disrespected. He’d use it constantly in sweet or funny ways but also the odd occasion that I was voicing a different opinion and it was definitely in a “cute little naive girly” way to shut me down.

I explained away from the situation that I didn’t like it and I was a grown woman so please respect that it makes me feel dismissed and small.

Hes mentioned so many times “ I’m not allowed to call you cute anymore “ with his sad face. He’s even said this to friends like I’m being mean and he was just being a good boyfriend.

He's tight and emotionally and physically manipulative. It's not you it's him.

Well it really sounds like he needs to grow up tbh.

You should be able to tell him how you feel about things without worrying that he's going to be sulking.

If you truly are planning on moving in together make sure you get all these issues fully ironed out beforehand.

With 4 times your income and no child to support, his impact on your food bill from a few meals a week won’t even be on his radar. He doesn’t have to do that kind of budgeting when he buys groceries. if you say something and he doesn’t offer to help then I would be upset.

how and when you spend money on entertainment can be a basic issue of compatibility.

not respecting your physical boundaries is a big deal. A man’s mood shouldn’t change just because you aren’t ready for a hug at any given moment. Managing another person’s emotions is a major red flag.

I wonder if these things are finally bothering you now that you are facing the looming reality of a 24/7 relationship.

OP I think you are just going to have to be very direct with him.

You can't come over for meals anymore unless you contribute financially.

You're acting like a baby and it's giving me the creeps - stop it.

If he's upset by this, that's on him, but by saying this you are not "being mean".

It strikes me OP that you’re only holding on to him because he earns 4x what you do, in the hope you will ultimately benefit from that.