Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

[HereComeTheICKS]

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

Whether or not you stay with him, I think it might be worth unpacking your need to be independent and not vulnerable in therapy. Otherwise you will take the same issues into your next relationship.

It’s ok to want someone to put you first and do nice things for you just because. It’s not shallow or demanding to want a true partnership.

He's an arse. Move on.

If you decide to stay with him, I definitely wouldn't move in together!
You'd be scrutinised for every item you wanted to buy and at least now, you can close the door on him!
Imagine him fawning all over you all the time. No way.

Very sensible advice thank you.

He sounds repulsive and totally mean ,whatever you do don't buy a house with him.

Also I think if you say to him, “ I want to feel cherished”, he’ll say that he offers loads of hugs and would tell you you’re cute if you’d let him with a tone of what more do you want.

I don’t have high hopes that he will get that it is a deeper, more whole person thing than that. It’s about taking pleasure in your partner’s pleasure. It’s about giving and sharing for the joy of it.
Right now it all seems very transactional and on his terms.

Can he change? Maybe. But it doesn’t have to be you that leads him there. I think you’ve already tried.

I wouldn't like the hugging thing but I don't think he is tight - assuming that when the OP actually asks him for a contribution to the meals she cooks him he happily agrees.
I don't understand why she hasn't asked already. It's weird. Why is it so difficult just to ask for some cash or for for him to pick up some groceries on the way over? I don't understand why people make their lives so difficult sometimes

As for being fiercely independent and 'offering' to split bills but then being disappointed he doesn't pay then I think you are being disingenuous. You shouldn't be offering to pay you should just pay half without any expectations otherwise.

My kids are in their 20's and it's normal for everything to be split. Neither my daughters nor my sons think a man should pay for things more than a woman. I think they would help out someone if they were skint but they wouldn't pay for someone else generally for expenses such as eating out.

Not wanting to spend money on expensive things does t mean he is tight. I can easily afford fancy restaurants etc but I genuinely prefer to stay in a b and b and eat at more casual restaurants. Im not tight.

Op mentioned that buying a house together would benefit her and her child. It does feel a little off that she has clocked this and you have to wonder if this has had an impact on why she clearly ( and understandably) has gone off him but hasn't finished things.

The love languages thing is interesting. If he needs physical touch to feel loved, but you don't like giving physical touch, then you aren't compatible. If you need small "acts of service" to feel appreciated, but he doesn't understand to do that, then you're not compatible. Basically, long-term, neither of you is going to feel loved and appreciated in this relationship. In the short-term, other things carried you, but now these fundamental differences are becoming apparent.

What happens if you don't hug him when he asks you to? He must sense that you're reluctant sometimes but have you ever actually said no, not now?

OP,

You sound like a great woman who unfortunately has a very low relationship bar and truly shit taste in men.

He sounds like mean, creepy sex pest and the ICK doesn't come near describing how he reads.

He's the type of miserable tight man that knows well he is costing you money, a single parent.

He's absolutely disghsting and I wouldn't want him near my home or child.

You are absolutely wasting your time and have been for every bit of this "relationship".

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this whinny user loser.

Get rid and don't look back.

🤢🤢🤮🤮

There aren’t enough therapists in the world for how much they get suggested on here, there really aren’t.

I agree, I really don't think OP needs a fucking therapist! I have a partner and also fiercely independent, do I need a therapist? Bloody hell.

Just to emphasise, you do not need a reason to leave any relationship that is no longer working for you. OK, you knew what he was like at the start and he hasn't changed - that doesn't mean you have to put up with something that annoys you for ever. You've even said you've raised some things with him but nothing fundamentally changes, except he's shifted his way of doing it. The belittling cute thing is still there, it's just got a "I'm not allowed to" tagged on.

The fact he hasn't changed his way of relating to you after three years of spending so much time together is in itself an indication that this isn't going in a positive direction. I'm talking about the little things in life we almost subconsciously adjust when living with a partner, not that anyone should have to change what they fundamentally are but you do need to consider other people's needs and preferences when living together. It's reasonable to expect give and take if you're talking about the huge step of buying a shared house.

I understand why you mention the money btw. It demonstrates that he is not tight because of lack of money, but because of reluctance to spend it on something - his own costs on a shared holiday! - just because it would make someone else happy, someone he's supposed to care about. It's not because you're after a slice of it. To be fair, if he's only recently started earning that amount it's understandable he would still be in the habit of spending cautiously (although he wants to buy a more expensive house, so maybe it's not that). But it sounds as though you've had a few discussions about this and he doesn't get where you're coming from, or maybe just doesn't respect your opinion. That's not a recipe for happy co-habitation for the next 40-50 years.

TLDR: he doesn't have to do anything unusual or awful for you to call it a day. Not every relationship lasts forever and that's ok.

Even shorter version: Run away, run away!

There’s no need to take offence.

Something about the OP’s need for independence isn’t serving her anymore. We all have behaviours we take on because they meet a need at that time. Then things change and the behaviour doesn’t serve us any more but we are locked into it and we’ve forgotten the reason we took it on. The OP says she thinks it is shallow and demanding to ask for what she needs. Those messages have come from somewhere and aren’t helping her.

It doesn’t have to be a therapist, it’s possible to work through things on your own or with a friend. But having someone professional work through it with you can speed it up especially as they don’t have vested interest in the outcome. A handful of sessions would probably help. Many workplaces offer 6 sessions for free. It’s worth considering to help her work through her feelings before she makes some big life changes whether that’s to end her relationship, or move in with him.

It’s not a criticism of you or the OP. It’s a suggestion that she reflects and gets some deeper insight on how she got into a relationship that doesn’t meet her needs and to work through her next steps.

A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:

Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

Ideally, our parents or other adults in our lives taught us what we needed to know as children. However, most of us don’t live in an ideal world. For those of us who need to build our shark cages as adults, the following tips can help.

Working with a therapist or other professional to work through the trauma that is in your way.

Spending time and effort examining your belief that you’re “not good enough” and changing it.

Observing people in healthy relationships to see how they interact.
Practicing recognizing, respecting, and fulfilling your own wants and needs as best you can.

Getting in the habit of saying “no” to small things, and work your way up.
Saying “thank you” as full repayment for compliments and attention, especially if you didn’t ask for it.

Dealing with touch starvation through the use of an emotional support animal, family, and/or supportive friends.

Getting into the habit of “listening” to your body and your “spidey-sense”.

OP I think learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships in childhood and these need to be unlearnt.

ICKS

re this part of your reply to me:
"Now I can see that I have accepted the bare minimum from him as some sort of safety net of independence".

You indeed have and at great cost, not just financial, to your own self.

He IS a tight bastard. That’s not ‘ick’ it’s just really stingy and shows a complete failure to see the financial burden he’s putting on you by coming over for dinner while being a tight arse about taking you out anywhere nice.

That alone would be a total deal breaker for me. I can’t stand mean men,

@billy1966 · Today 08:53
OP,
You sound like a great woman who unfortunately has a very low relationship bar and truly shit taste in men.
He sounds like mean, creepy sex pest and the ICK doesn't come near describing how he reads.
He's the type of miserable tight man that knows well he is costing you money, a single parent.
He's absolutely disghsting and I wouldn't want him near my home or child.
You are absolutely wasting your time and have been for every bit of this "relationship".
You deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this whinny user loser.
Get rid and don't look back.
🤢🤢🤮🤮

All of the above and some. Please don't move in with him OP You will regret it

Let's forget the money issues and look at the bigger picture @HereComeTheICKS .
He doesn't treat you as an equal, it's in the faux sadness because he can't call you cute even though you told him why, he won't do sport with you because you're not good enough, he won't take your no for an answer.
If you buy a house together this will get worse, he's going to be there giving you the Ick every day and he won't change.
It's so much harder to get away once you live together, and you could avoid that. I'd think about this very carefully before committing

He’s rather a man-baby me thinks.

The more money people have, often the tighter they get with it due to fear of losing it.

I think you need a frank discussion with him about his expectations for finances when you buy together. If he’s not happy to put everything into one pot and value your time equally (irrespective of earnings) then he’s not worth babying. Also let him know that you will expect to have at least two good foreign holidays a year going forward.

I think you have grown personally over the course of the relationship. When it started, your bar was well we get along, he doesn’t have any addictions or vices. Now you’re realising that an important part of a relationship is that you both meet each others needs. And while you seem to meet his, he doesn’t meet yours. Well done!!!

What you do now is up to you. But take into account, he has shown you who he is. A policy of “show don’t tell” would serve you well. Words mean little, it’s actions that count. He has shown you he can’t meet your needs, and really doesn’t seem interested in trying to.

The finance plans relating to the house purchase do not seem fair on you at all. I’d probably move on.

Yes @Glassowater

And also to"upgrade" on the accomodation to enhance Op children's lives. Basically using him for his financial security.

Ick factor aside, don't be with someone who is tight. Mean men are the worst, just be glad you've wised up to it.

I know why I’ve put myself in this position regarding a low bar and agree I need some work around childhood stuff.

I don’t think he’s a terrible guy. I just think we have different needs and values and can’t meet those for each other right now and that’s enough of a reason to move on.

For what it’s worth, I would be giving up a lot of security to move with him. I would not be benefiting from living with him financially other than being able to afford a bit of a bigger house but that’s always true for any couple combining incomes for a mortgage so is a ridiculous thing to throw around as evidence of me using him.