Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

[HereComeTheICKS]

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

He's perfectly happy to ride roughshod over your physical boundaries, how dare you even consider not hugging him as if you have personal autonomy over your body. That sort of behaviour only gets more icky with time. Reading your posts I honestly can't see why you'd want to get over this.

Ew! He sounds like a whiny leech. Seems to be all take - needing to give to him all the time like that would drain me completely. Unless you want to have another child to look after, I’d dump him fast.

Get rid. The toddler was never taught to share properly. He sounds repulsive.

I don’t think it sounds like you are in it for the money - he hasn’t given you any!! Re: the cost of him eating at yours, I agree with a pp. if he is a high earner without much need to budget for food, it won’t cross his mind. I don’t think he’s being unkind, he just literally hasn’t thought about it. Having said that, any sign of tightness gives me the massive ick and I couldn’t be with a man who was tight - financial comparability is important. I work with a man who is so tight it’s cringeworthy, but I’ve met his wife and she is exactly the same and they are very happy together. I think you need to talk to him. Just explain how his refusal to spend money and his demands for cuddles make you feel. He will either take it on board (and, I’ve got to be honest, I don’t think he’d need to do that much, it’s not like you are asking to be whisked off to Paris every other weekend! And refusing a cuddle when you don’t feel like it is perfectly reasonable) or he won’t. If he won’t, you just aren't compatible so you need to end it.

For what its worth, I can see the positive things about the relationship you describe and yet at the same time, I just find myself in total sympathy with you because I think Id be feeling the ick and withdrawing too. The financial imbalance is very important - he seems to turn over every penny that he has but spend yours freely...all these regular evenings at home when you have to feed his large appetite and dispense hugs and groping sound one sided and exploitative. If you really value the good things and want to save them, maybe its worth having a frank and open discussion and raising his tightfistedness, his leaching on you when theres a massive income difference - maybe suggest hes welcome to come over four times a week, but two of those nights he contributes a take away meal or full ingredients for the meal; and then address his lack of respect for your physical autonomy. Youre starting to resent him because hes exploiting you. He earns four times what you do, but you are basically subsidising his entertainment and free time. The person above who suggested youre hanging in there for an eventual financial advatgae is being ridiculous because youre already deep in the red putting him up and feeding him every week. To be honest, I cant see him changing and it takes a lot to reverse the ick. I would cut my losses.

I do feel a bit mean because he can be lovely. He never gets cross or shouts. Doesn’t gamble or drink to excess.

Is that the benchmark for ‘lovely’, no gambling addiction?!

Dump him. Or at the very least do NOT buy with him. You’re probably spending above and beyond for the pleasure of his company when that money should be going on you or your child. DH earns double what I do, and has never expected me to go exactly halves - instead we’ve always taken an approach where our spending is sort of relative to what we earn, even in the early days he would pay for the meal/main event and I would pay for taxi/coffees/drinks. The thought of going exactly half with somebody who earns 4 times what I do makes me want to close my legs.

As for the cuddly stuff, yuck.

Get yourself a strong and silent type who isn’t tight fisted and doesn’t put on a toddler voice.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’ve spent hours overnight thinking about this all. I think what this all comes down to is the fact that my emotional needs aren’t being met.

taking aside the money / being touched out stuff, I don’t feel loved or respected in many ways. I think the money and hug things are just concrete things I can point too to back this up so I’ve been almost watching for them recently.

The holiday thing has highlighted some stuff recently because we had said we would go away in the summer and the whole process has been painful. Trying to be cheap with it, wanting share a room with my teenager to save money on a second room. I feel like I’ve had to beg him to spend this time with us and spend some money. He has never had to consider term time budgets and second rooms so I get that’s a shock but it honestly wouldn’t make a bit of difference to him financially.

ultimately I feel I need to justify my existence in his life like he does with his big purchases. And right now I think I only offer him food and an outlet for physical touch.

No. You’ve read that (and many other things) wrong. I offer to pay half every single time. Occasionally I will say it’s my treat. Very rarely he will say no it’s ok, I’ve got this but most of the time he will say ok.

A really good update OP!

It takes a lot of courage and personal strength to do the introspection needed to understand where you are and why you are feeling the things you do. It seems liek youre realising the core problem and are startign to think things through. I would just gently remind you, place yourself front and cennter of this process....think of yourself first. Whatever actions you take will have an effect on him, but his responses and feelings are his to manage. You do what is best for you.

Best of luck! Concious choices always result in better decisions xx

I’m a single income household. Having to budget for a third adult for dinner a couple of times a week isn’t just about inviting someone over for dinner and expecting them to pay.

if we go to to the supermarket together to pick up sandwiches or lunch he will get his own stuff and head off to his own till. There is never the assumption that he will pay for me. This isn’t remotely an old fashion relationship.

My husband earns over four times what I do. From very early on he offered to pool our money and it was just a pot that was ours.
i couldn’t be with somebody so tight as you are describing - holidays are a wonderful part of life for a start.
And the other stuff is just horrible and unattractive. The hugs and hair stroking would give me the ick alone

OP it sounds as if this relationship is over for you and you're just looking for someone to tell you that you're justified in ending it. You are. It's not working. You don't need an objective justification.

Not liking spending money on hotels etc doesn't make him tight- plenty of people aren't fussed about hotels- but it does mean there is a mismatch between you. Likewise putting his arms out for a hug sounds stomach-turning as you describe it but, if you were head over heels in love and lust with him, you'd probably enjoy the hugs as well.

You don't need to prove to anyone that there's something wrong with this chap to justify ending the relationship. He'd probably be a great partner for someone but that someone isn't you. Best for both of you that you split.

@Lobelia123 thank you.

I have been doing a fair amount of work on myself the last couple of months and I think this has lead to me looking at my boundaries.

I was proud of being independent. I’ve always had the attitude that I can be single. I was for 7 years prior to him. I don’t know why I’ve let these things creep into our relationship as problems but I know I can’t let them stay.

exactly @HereComeTheICKS . Some of the commentators here are very literal - even over zealous, in their interpretation of being independent. Being self sufficient doesnt mean you have to over compensate to prove your independence. relationships are supposed to be give and take. You are in no way a gold digger or someone with double standards. Glad you are figuring it out in your own head and wishing you lots of happiness going forward!

Total respect for your post op. I think that once you have to explain to your partner how you would like them to be nicecto you it is a bit of a downward hill. I think he should be excited about creating a nice time with and for you. It should be important to him. He's already squashing the anticipation and joy. Also, it's not about cooking for Jim, is it not about how he so easily takes it. He's showing you who he is. And who he thinks you are. Take your teenager away on a last minute flight and go and have a ball!

@GrapesOfRoss you are right. I don’t need validation from others over how I feel. I just didn’t want to uproot everything without being sure.

Oh no no no no no

Being 'tight' with money is such an awful trait.
My ex would literally throw £20 at me if we went for a meal saying 'I'm not paying for your kids'
Or if we went away he would work out petrol to airport etc and split it all.

The man I am with now is the total opposite to the point where if I want to pay I have to do it whilst he's not looking or in the toilet, he is unwaveringly generous.

Get rid and move on, it will only get worse

My XH was like this. Lovely to start with. The criticism and manipulation wasn’t obvious to start with. It can be very subtle or hidden to start with…but you’re starting to see them now. Don’t beat yourself up for not seeing them sooner, thank yourself for seeing them now, before you move in with him.
This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s manipulative. He’s pouty and child like when he doesn’t get his own way. Time line wise it’s just starting to become more obvious (I married my XH within 18 months of meeting him and I didn’t see the signs early on either). Guaranteed he’d be worse if you lived with him and you’re financially tied to him.
I don’t think you’re overreacting to these things. I once dumped someone because he went “Mmm” every time he went in for a kiss - that’s the ick! You are listening to warning signs, recognising flags that are Amber at the very least! Take them seriously.

If you have doubts now, you need to leave. There are so many stories on here about couples buying houses together and it all going wrong - especially over finances. This will never change and only magnify the issues if you did move in together.

Op I just saw a tik tok where someone speaks about knowing you are on the right path. Accordingly, you know you are on the right path when you don't feel like you are betraying yourself.

I teach my children you can ask for affection or offer affection but it has to be mutual so both those things should be done with the expectation of accepting a yes or no in response. (Obviously ask can just be hold your arms out it's not a formal application 😁 and 99/100 a yes is what they get) But accepting a no without taking it personally and guilt tripping someone is number one lesson in mutually respectful relationships. Compulsory snuggles on the sofa 🤮

If you can't possibly decline his hug even if you don't want to because.. love language... Why does your love language not get given the same weight? double standards from a man who hasn't learnt no.1

The finances sounds a bit crap at best you have such different approaches to money I don't think you're compatible and at worst it reveals he might have some very transactional attitudes to relationships which isn't good in my book. I have people in my life because I love/admire them not because they bring me value and their place in my life is not dependant on them remaining valuable to me.

As for the bits that at least he isn't a gambler etc, well yes, what to say. It's a pity there are so many terrible guys we have to think that way, but I still couldn't get past the hugs thing and his general low level selfishness. Definite ick and in your shoes I'd rather be alone (suspect you'll feel more relief than sadness when you end it)

Your ick is totally justified and is only going to get worse. He sounds like an overgrown spoiled baby in so many ways - not wanting to share hs toys (money), wanting constant hugs from mummy, even having a "thing" for your breaststroke. And on top of this HE has the nerve to talk down to/condescend to YOU! Ugh no, please do not move in with or especially buy a house with this man.