Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

[HereComeTheICKS]

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

These types of men are available all the time, usually in the cesspits of OLD. Why pick up someone else's scraps Op@HereComeTheICKS and settle for someone you're finding more and more wearing each day.

Never ever give up security to move in with any man.

It is unbelievable the number of women who will roll the dice with a secure HA home on the chance that a man will work out.

Absolute bloody madness.

Even more so with a child.

This loser is costing you money.

The minute he is gone you will see it in your pocket.

Do the work on your childhood issues that will strengthen your boundaries.

You are a great woman and mother, ditch the loser and move on to the better things that you deserve.

Thank you @billy1966 you’ve been so lovely with both your replies. I do appreciate the time you’ve taken to help. And everyone else.

I know I can’t give up this security for him. I know this isn’t what I want. I just have to figure out how to sort this all out now.

@billy1966 lovely reply. The thing is @HereComeTheICKS - someone may have everything going for them on paper and probably make a lovely friend but it's a different thing living with them. If you aren't likely to marry then moving out means you lose that surety of housing and a mean guy is hardly likely to say if it all goes tits up- here is £8k - go and sort yourself a rental out- and chances are you would struggle to get one too. Only way I would move in with someone in your position is if I was on those deeds for a new house, regardless of who paid the deposit - at least then you have a right to stay whilst it was sold if it ever came to that. I would also want £5k put aside in case you ever needed to get out quickly.

Regardless of any other reason. A man who is mean with money would have to go!

So welcome OP.

Don't overthink your extraction from this situation.

"This isn't working for me and I don't want to be with you any longer. I don't want to EVER live with you, so it is better to end things"....on a loop.

You owe him nothing.

Get his shit together and have it by the door.

Send a text with the above and tell him his shit will be ready to pick up.

Remember he has absolutely suited himself completely and has used you and your home and cost you money.

You owe him nothing.

He got far more from this "relationship" than you ever did.

Don't get dragged into justification of your choices.

You don't owe him any justification.

You are done and his stuff is there to be collected.

Don't let him in your door again.

His tight and selfish. Thinks of himself, not you. Not good.

You could talk to him first, say what you have said here, and see how he reacts. See if he can change.

But I can imagine him not taking well to being told that you're not happy.

Tell him your love language is men paying their way and not being tight!

I’m going to raise the love language thing and explain how I’m feeling disrespected and pushed to baby him a bit and see how he takes it.

we weren’t planning to house hunt until next year but I think I will also explain how I don’t feel comfortable moving forward with that plan at the moment in the hopes that he will see how serious I feel about my needs not being considered.

I’m not sure if this will change anything but I do feel I need to at least try. Things have been good in so many other ways. He deserves the chance to understand what I’m feeling and react to them rather than just being blindsided. If this goes well I will raise the money stuff too. It’s in his court then to decide if he can live with these changes.

Op, the thing about people who are mean with money is that they are mean with everything. Everything is a balance sheet where they need to 'gain' as much as possible and 'spend' as little as possible.

Misers are mean with affection. Your value to him is in what he can get from you. You have made the fatal error of trying to demonstrate just how un-gold diggery you are to him by strictly going halves with everything, with buying him food etc etc even when this is blatantly unfair, and you have ended up in a situation where you are are now beginning to see that he will NEVER stop taking and taking from you. He will never see that you do this out of choice, out of (a wrong-headed tbh!) consideration and a demonstration of your love for him but instead he will simply feel that it is his due.

Don't believe that shite about him being so financially comfortably off that oops, he never realised that it is causing hardship to you. He doesn't care that it is causing hardship, that it is unfair, that it is utterly inconsiderate because he doesn't consider YOU at all, just your value to him. His stinginess is much more important to him than you are. Your value is an entry, a little running tally on the spreadsheet he keeps hugged close to him where his heart should be.

I would be amazed if he isn't also rather rubbish or at best transactional in bed. This isn't a man who will give you anything wholehearted. Yeah, you should have a chance at speaking to him about it all, but this is what he is. Mean and small-hearted. It will run through him like letters through a stick of rock. He won't be able to change that even if he wanted to and he won't actually even comprehend wanting to.

I think in theory it's a good plan to voice your concerns to DP and not just run for the hills, in practise I don't imagine anything will change, as I suspect PPs are correct in that he's been highly manipulative in getting his own way.

If you were both on similar salaries when you met then he should be fully aware of your finances even though his have improved. If I got a massive pay rise I'd want to treat my partner to things I know they can't afford - not freeload dinner off them every week.

As for the 'on demand hugs' my stomach is turning over just thinking about it, if your gut tells you it's wrong (as it's doing for my gut!) then it's wrong. Don't give away hugs or anything else if it causes an ick.

And does it stop at hugs or is he pouting for sex too...

I have to give credit where it is due, he is very considerate in bed. He has never pouted if I’m not in the mood. He does read me very well in terms of me not returning the intentional strokes that lead to sex and he never stops the affection at that point. He’s happy for just normal hugs.

But more and more I am seeing that he is generous if it interests him to be. So stuff around his hobbies or his love language.

Only read most of the first page (sorry if I've missed anything else) but he has red flags all over.

Sounds to me OP that no matter what you say to him, it is ignored. Your feelings don't matter and it is all about him.

Saying "what if I don't want a hug" and his whining response about it being his love language means he feels entitled to it. Same with the calling you cute. You expressed your feelings on the matter well and he's now moping about it and complaining to his friends.

Your wants/needs/boundaries don't matter to him even if you explain. This is not salvageable IMO and I would end the relationship due to the clear fact that he is manipulative and lacks emotional maturity.

I was thinking if his forté is in this department and surprise surprise it is lol!

This is the way to do it.

The fact that he doesn't push for sex when you are not in the mood does not mean he's good in bed though. Again is your bar too low here also?

Honestly the money thing doesn’t strike me as an ick. It’s his money, his decision. To put it nicely, your first few paragraphs sound a bit entitled.

However the baby voice and pouting? Major ick. You’re not a grump for disliking that. He’s a grown man acting like a young teenager (half expected you to say he tells you “rawr is I love you in dinosaur” 🤢).

Physical affection is his love language, that’s fine. Forcing you to participate when you tell him you don’t want to is just stupid. He needs to cop on

How are you OP?

Tell him to stop behaving like a baby.
Tell him it's putting you off him!
I couldn't deal with this. Huge ICK

Have you had the chat with him yet OP? How did it go? I agree that if there are bits of the relationship you value then it's worth having a conversation with him as things definitely can change. Whether they will change, or change enough to give you what you need from the relationship, you won't know until you try. Not sure why anyone is suggesting you're using him for money, they were obviously reading a completely different set of posts to me. It's very clear that for you it's about the thoughtful gestures and time together that money can represent, not the money itself.

How’s it going @HereComeTheICKS