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Original poster

Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

145 replies

HereComeTheICKS · 08/02/2023 17:15

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/02/2023 18:23

Pretty fundamental issues in terms of compatability

I’d say it’s more than ‘ick’ but some profound ways you are different l

whatisheupto · 08/02/2023 18:26

I don't think these are small things OP. I think you need to take them seriously. I'd also question why he hadn't already been snapped up by someone else already assuming he is mid 30s?? Perhaps they saw controlling behaviours too?

I think you need to study his behaviour as a psychologist might. Pretty sure they say he was making sure he had control of you and that you would perform on demand. He sounds manipulative. Also 3 years in is when you start to really know the 'real' person.

LeapingCat · 08/02/2023 18:30

Most of that isn’t the ick, it’s quite serious incompatibility in relation to money combined with him not thinking of women as fully human. It’s probably feeling like a sudden change in your feelings because you’re confronted with the idea of living together fairly soon and you don’t really want to. None of your positives are really about him, they’re about things that surround him.

Alcemeg · 08/02/2023 18:42

I think you should just introduce him to this channel and leave him to it. Hopefully that will satisfy his need for cute cuddles and he won't even notice you run screaming for the hills! And it's free!

Mumofnarnia · 08/02/2023 18:50

Personally he would give me the ick just because he thinks hotels are a waste of money. I love going on nights/ weekends away and would expect that my partner feels the same, otherwise there would be a lack of compatibility.

He does sound very tight and it seems he’d rather come to your house for you to do all the food shopping and cooking and then expect you to feed him. Does he ever invite you to his place or cook for you? If not then I would feel used and wouldn’t want to continue seeing him. Especially if he offers very little in return. The way you described him not liking hotels or holidays because he feels it’s a ‘waste of money’ - I think that speaks volumes about how he sees his relationship with you if I’m honest… as if he’s saying you’re not worthy of going on a weekend away with because it’s a waste of his money. Yes definite ick for me

EllieM27 · 08/02/2023 20:00

There’s a reason he’s made it so far single and childless: he’s a whiny, tight-fisted manchild. Was he ever married? If so I bet his ex has some tales to tell.

Regardless, it will get worse if you tie yourself to him financially. He will insist that you contribute 50/50 in spite of not being able to afford it as well as he can. He will likely also want a house that is out of your budget but still want you to contribute equally. There was a thread like that on here just recently.

Get rid of him now while it’s still easy to do so.

Pixiedust1234 · 08/02/2023 20:06

So he's got you dancing to his tune, both financially and physically. Any push back from you he resorts to pulling faces, whiny voices and calling you a meanie whilst saying hes a good man.

Yeah right. Run a mile. Thats some manipulative shit hes doing. Thats not a good man.

FenghuangHoyan · 08/02/2023 20:10

Nah, screw that. He's a tight ass, man baby and that would do my head in.

By the way, lots of men don't drink and don't gamble and some don't even beat up their partners. If the reasons your staying with him is because he's not addicted to anything and not shouty (just whiny), then I'd get a longer list of "must haves" for your relationship.

deeperthanallroses · 08/02/2023 20:17

I’d ask him what do you think my love language is? And see if he even has an answer or if he’s only thought about how he feels. Maybe a follow up- you’re pretty quick to expect me to deliver on your love language, why haven’t you got a thought to mine? I’d like to be asked over for a home cooked meal. I’d like a nice weekend away without feeling like you think I’m not worth it. I’d like you to buy me a present you think I might like, not some thing that works for you, that’s not what gift giving is. I want to feel like I’m treated like a rational adult whose opinion matters. I don’t really get these things from you.

Original poster
HereComeTheICKS · 08/02/2023 20:27

Glassowater · 08/02/2023 18:15

It strikes me OP that you’re only holding on to him because he earns 4x what you do, in the hope you will ultimately benefit from that.

That’s a bit of a sweeping assumption but I’ll just confirm that it’s not about money at all. I’m fiercely independent when it comes to finances. We have discussed what it looks like should we live together and I’d be paying 50% of the bills and a proportionate amount of the mortgage that reflects ownership percentages so it’s fair.

Yes, I’d benefit from us being able to afford a bigger / better house with our combined wages but it’s me pushing for a smaller budget. He is happy to spend bigger on a house as it’s an investment in his eyes.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 08/02/2023 20:28

Pixiedust1234 · 08/02/2023 20:06

So he's got you dancing to his tune, both financially and physically. Any push back from you he resorts to pulling faces, whiny voices and calling you a meanie whilst saying hes a good man.

Yeah right. Run a mile. Thats some manipulative shit hes doing. Thats not a good man.

This with bells on. What you describe is not small minor things that you should be ignoring. He’s manipulating you so badly that you’re thinking it’s a you problem, which it really isn’t.

Original poster
HereComeTheICKS · 08/02/2023 20:31

We do stay at his twice a month and he does cook for us then.

I just feel sad that he’s not considered my finances at all when it comes to cooking for him every week.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereComeTheICKS · 08/02/2023 20:37

As for my love language. I think it’s just considering me. So offering to help with something you know I need to sort out. Or doing something ‘just because ‘ like making a cup of tea etc. I’m not demanding at all. I don’t expect expensive stuff. I’d rather we spent the money doing fun stuff together and I’d be happy to pay my way for that stuff but I’d be thrilled to be treated occasionally.

I have explained this to him. But it’s not really made a difference.

OP posts:
Original poster
HereComeTheICKS · 08/02/2023 20:40

FictionalCharacter · 08/02/2023 20:28

This with bells on. What you describe is not small minor things that you should be ignoring. He’s manipulating you so badly that you’re thinking it’s a you problem, which it really isn’t.

Show quote history

This is what I’m so afraid of. Have I really been that stupid?

I admit I had a low bar for relationships but I’ve always been hypercritical and ran at the first hint of controlling red flags. Probably pushed away decent guys over simple misunderstandings in the past but this felt different. We felt equal in terms of morals and outlooks on almost everything. I took it slowly and felt like I got to know him properly but it’s like I suddenly only see this rubbish stuff and I’m questioning everything and surprised how things seem so differently now.

OP posts:
Raychelle · 08/02/2023 21:48

That arms out for a hug and baby voice thing would 100% give me the Ick, its usually pretty terminal so unlikely to improve it get better. Also, there’s nothing worse than people who are tight with money either.

margaritawithaM · 08/02/2023 21:52

That split seems crazy. If he earns 4 times as much, it should be split that way for the mortgage. Someone more clever than me can hopefully explain this better...

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2023 22:54

And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

Omfg, that is gross. How can you bear to have sex with him? That shit will grow old very quickly if you live together.

pinkyredrose · 08/02/2023 22:55

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too.

Like what?

Crikeyalmighty · 08/02/2023 22:58

I think OP you need to look at this honestly and ask yourself -although you are fiercely independent , if he earnt the same as you and couldn't enhance the overall lifestyle that much- would you still be that interested?? I don't think you are remotely a gold digger by the way (and doesn't seem he's enabling much gold if you were) but I do think what may have kept you attracted was the peripherals, possibility of higher lifestyle, liking his family , better social life etc- rather than the man himself. It's understandable but I don't think long term it works if fundamentally you aren't into the guy that much- and I don't think you are anymore.

Carlycat · 08/02/2023 23:21

That arms out for a hug and the baby voice thing would make my fanny slam shut Envy
Add to that the tightness and I'd head for the hills

wherearetheturtles · 08/02/2023 23:29

Carlycat · 08/02/2023 23:21

That arms out for a hug and the baby voice thing would make my fanny slam shut Envy
Add to that the tightness and I'd head for the hills

🤣

Opentooffers · 08/02/2023 23:37

A bigger house means bigger bills - which you get to pay half of although earning 4x less. Oh, but when it comes to the investment side, you get to benefit in proportion to what you put in. He's not daft, no wonder he's pushing for as large a house as possible. 50% of heating and council tax could cost you a fair chunk with nothing to show for it. If you ever see marriage as a goal, he's not likely to ever propose it, clearly wants finances to stay indefinitely separate.
Aside from that, if you have the ick when you live apart, it will be far worse living together, not a good sign.

SerenaB12 · 08/02/2023 23:41

Sparkletastic · 08/02/2023 18:04

He's tight and emotionally and physically manipulative. It's not you it's him.

This ^^ I believe he behaves needy and ott affectionate to appear and "act" loving but his financial behaviour towards you is the opposite of that. Speaking from my experience with someone who acted very similar I later deduced his behaviour as a form of control and coercion (behaving loving and caring to that degree how can she possibly think I'm not "good" to her)
The needy physical aside the financial disparity and his tight/ungenerous attitude is a red flag, it could be that internally this is causing you conflict and his "need" for "affection " which you don't want to reciprocate is because you may know he is treating you unfairly within the parameters of your relationship.
Ask yourself what you want and what he brings to your life.
I hope you can work it out to your best interest.

SimoneSimone · 09/02/2023 04:52

The arms out asking for a hug is the tip of the iceberg. He will be demanding bitty next! Will you so the necessary for the big house?

Zanatdy · 09/02/2023 04:57

After spending years with my ex who was tight I couldn’t do it again. You can have a chat to him about it, but it’s unlikely things will change permanently. The hug thing would get on my nerves. I love to give my bf a hug, but if he was demanding one like a baby like you describe I’d get the ick too! Sometimes you can feel crowded when someone’s sitting on top of you etc. You just want your own space