Are these ICKs real or am I just overthinking stuff?

[HereComeTheICKS]

Been together 3 years. Don’t live together yet. I have a teenager he has no children.

2 things have recently been brewing for me and I think I might have the ICK?

There is a difference in income in that he earns 4 times what I do. But I am always keen to keep my independence and always offer to pay half or treat him. 9 times out of 10 he will take me up on that offer.

He eats at mine a couple of times a week and will occasionally bring a treat for after but never offers or has even acknowledged the extra cost he brings to the food bill - and he has a big appetite.

He hates spending money on things like hotels or holidays. Struggles to get past it being a waste of money and this is startling to cause issues because I just want to have some fun or god forbid for us to treat ourselves. He has a strange way of things having to have a value in his life in terms of money and in other ways and I feel a bit like the second I stop being of value to him I will be pushed aside.

I find myself thinking “you tight bastard” fairly often and getting incredibly sad that he won’t spend money on me or us. I feel like I’m not worth it and it’s really starting to affect my self esteem but then I keep thinking I’m being shallow or a bit gold diggery and I can support myself so I don’t need him. It’s just that if it were the other way I’d give him so much more in terms of financial support. He often tells me I’m too generous etc.

He is a very touchy person. Always wants to be cuddled up on the couch and takes a bit of a hump if I want to sit the other way. He always wants to be stroking my hair etc. He has a bit of a thing for my boobs too but keeps this private at least.

he does this thing where he sits on the edge of the bed or on the arm of the chair and holds his arms out for a hug and he won’t move or stop until he gets one. It’s giving me the serious ICK because he reminds me of a chubby toddler demanding ‘up’ in a whiney voice. I think he can tell it’s getting annoying because he will comment he’s being needy but still hold out the arms for it. Yesterday I said “what if I don’t want a hug?” And he said that he’d be very sad because I know his love language is hugs so how could I deny him? (Complete with baby voice and exaggerated pout)

I am so angry at myself because I just gave him what he wanted. It was late and I wanted him to leave so I could go to bed. But it feels manipulative to me and like my feelings don’t matter at all because it’s his love language.

in so many ways I can see how my life is better being in this relationship. We plan to buy together next year and this would improve the living situation for my DC. He has given me a wider social circle and DC and I adore his family. Life in all other ways is better.

But I can’t seem to get past the money stuff or how I’m feeling a lack of autonomy over my own body in terms of hugs / general touching.

I don’t think he respects me as an adult in some other ways too. But am I overthinking it or letting the ICK win?

For some reason I’m feeling a lot of pressure to suddenly decide if I want to be with him or not.

Breasts not breaststroke!

@Armless32 - what the op said. He’s not paying for her. And, being independent and not being attracted to someone who is tight are two different things. I’m financially independent and always have been. I am not attracted to people (as either partners or friends) who are tight. That’s not because I want, need, or expect them to pay for me, I don’t. But I find a lack of generosity a turn off and usually an indicator of a lack of generosity in other areas - be it time, attention or opinions of others. And yes, I’m aware of the cost of living crisis and the fact that most of us are feeling the pinch. I’m not talking about that, I’m talking about people who can afford it, but actively chose not to, like ops bf. The pp who mentioned above her bf who calculated the fuel to the airport? Massive ick for me!

Get rid of him and do not date further until you have sorted out your own issues particularly with regards to the sunk costs fallacy which has been present in some of your postings. Learn also to readily recognise red flags and controlling behaviour. I would also suggest you look at the Freedom Programme.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Your own lack of a proper shark cage let this man in when some other women would have left him long before now. This man is bad news all round. Abuse like this from him is insidious in its onset and over time. These types do not walk around with abuser written on them.

Your bar for relationships is way too low and that is how such a man wormed his way into your life. Many such men like described do target single mothers because they think they are so desperate for male company that they would put up with any old crap.

The reason you feel like this now is because deep down you know it would be a huge mistake to buy a house with him but your brain hasn't quite caught up to your emotions yet. Don't do it.

But if she earned 4 times more people would comment about how she'd be looked after post natal etc.

Yeah but you can offer and you can 'offer'.

There are different levels of asshole. The low level grade 3 or 4 assholes are often the worse because they are so subtle with it.

What are his living arrangements now?
Does he generally get his way with everything?

I can picture moving in with a guy like him and him being a sex pest.

I can also picture you doing all the skivvy work and your finances and any savings depleted over time with him being such a tight arse.

You cannot buy a house with this man with your relationship in its current state.

But you can talk to him about the issues that are bothering you.

I wouldn't talk about the two together, that could feel like a bit of an ambush, but perfectly fine to sit down with him and say how excited you are to move in together but you wanted to have a chat about money first and make sure you're on the same page.

It doesn't have to be accusatory! Just "I'm spending a lot on food at the moment and finding money a bit tight. It would be great if you could pick up the shopping half the time when you're here or we could split the bill. What do you think?"

Have you talked about how you'd split bills and expenses when you move in together?

So are you saying she should stick with him or are you just a disgruntled man looking to jump in with a whataboutism?

being so tight is a really bad sign early on - esp as he doesn't understand the impact on your finances.

and the affection thing is majorly ick if it is unwelcome

@Armless32 he doesn’t pay more. I offer to treat him too and he accepts that. It’s probably fairly equal in that regard.

this truly isn’t about me wanting a man to look after me. This wouldn’t have lasted years if it were. He will never look after me financially. I’ve always known that about him.

This is about not feeling worthy of him treating me. Or spending his own money on himself to facilitate us doing something fun.

I feel like I have had to fight to get out of the dinner/couch/bed a couple of times a week box he put me in.

He played a sport I had some interest in trying and he just refused to take me because it would be a waste of his time as he wouldn’t get a proper game in with a learner. I really pushed back against this being a shitty attitude and he eventually took me. We had so much fun messing around and me learning which is exactly what I wanted. He said he really enjoyed it but ultimately only agreed to play with me a couple more times and is now back to any other person but me being asked to join.

I feel like I’ve had a lightbulb moment that I will have to beg for every bit of consideration from him and it’s just too exhausting to continue this way.

Disagree @Armless32 it's not the lack of cash flowing her way that bothers her it's his motive and what it says about how he sees her that she's thinking about. I.e If no cash was coming her way but that was because he had none, or was being careful to save for something or whatever that would be different. Or if he didn't spend but was generous in spirit in other ways that would also not be a problem. But not sharing what you have, combined with double standards of happily taking yours, combined with lack of generosity of spirit spirit in other ways is a different matter.
That's why the way you focused on the mention of money was a red herring.

@armless if I was dating someone who earned significantly less than me, whom I knew had dc and I didn’t, and I could afford if, then I would pay a lot of the time. Not all of the time no, but maybe 80%. I am married, but I have friends I do that with. To me, that’s just being kind to someone you care about. And yes, if a woman posted about calculating fuel costs, I would still get the ick. It’s not a man/woman thing, it’s a generosity of spirit thing.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right. I do have to work on myself more. I did the freedom programme a long time ago. I have very hard boundaries in terms of physical violence or overt control. I have ended relationships easily without a second thought when I felt they threatened these boundaries.

This has felt so different. He was happy to go slow and he wasn’t demanding of me or my time. We spent hours and hours chatting and laughing and getting to know each other. Originally our wages weren’t so far apart but he changed jobs and got a hefty pay rise so it’s much more pronounced so this wasn’t something that was a potential issue at the start.

Now I can see that I have accepted the bare minimum from him as some sort of safety net of independence.

and he has been happy with this arrangement obviously.

I was already thinking he sounds incredibly selfish but this has just nailed it.

He sounds very like a man I know who was single for a long time and just couldn't get out of that headspace when he met someone.

I think I’ve been too protective of myself that I didn’t want to make him responsible for my emotional happiness in any way but it’s back fired because he now never considers it and I’m resentful of that.

I cannot blame him for any of that.

I think your ick is well deserved. He could have encouraged you to join a beginner league and played with you as well so it became a joint interest.

He doesn’t see you as a full partner.

You don’t have that, “I delight in you, you delight in me” joy in your relationship.

Your subconscious has woken up to the fact if you move in together you are then trapped and is flashing warning signs. It’s been ok up until now because you are still independent. Giving up your home means it is much harder to get out.

He’s not offering marriage (all my worldly good), just a house share with on tap hugs for him. Imagine dinner, couch and bed every night of the week (when he’s not off playing his game without you).

I completely get that you want to be financially independent, but I think you also want to be cherished. Not financially, but valued as a person. Someone to share life with and grow together as people. Not someone who compartmentalises his life with you and his life in different boxes.

@wherearetheturtles I think it is a bit of that. He had a very busy life when he was single and I’ve been slotted in to the girlfriend shaped hole and he is happy with that.

Yes, @Shortpoet I want to be cherished. That’s it entirely but I’ve let myself be too scared to ask for that because it seems shallow or demanding and I don’t want to be that.

To clear up the marriage thing - I’ve never wanted that and made it clear from the start. He has been the one to say it wouldn’t be terrible one day. He was married before. They drifted and didn’t have a bad divorce or anything.