DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing.........

total bullshit.

And if it isn't, then you still must leave as he got away with it once, and won't see a reason not to behave like this again. At some point. So you are living on a knife edge waiting....waiting....with a dangerous man

He threatened physical violence and sexually assaulted you.
You shouldn't want him in the house with you or your children.
Your marriage is over.

Whilst I hear you're giving it a try to repair, get your ducks in line as he is probably just glossing over what's underneath. Good luck but perhaps you having an affair, albeit wrong, is because you're not happy, and neither would I be with that glib attitude to the fact he's got loads of free time and half contributes ... he has to step up on the weekends so you get a chance to do your needs

@Isheabastard this is spot on, and this is the focus of the couples counselling.

to whoever asked about my therapist - she took a file note of it and asked me to do the same. I also saw a lawyer at the time who took a note and gave me some advice around applying for an emergency order to get him to leave if he did it again. I have the lawyers briefed and ready to go if I need. But no one - therapists, friends, or family have outright suggested I should leave in the stark terms that have been suggested here.

So if you stay he's now got the green light to use violence and sexual assault in the future against you and he won't be to blame for it, because you glossed over what he did and accepted it.
Sorry I would be leaving, I couldn't live with the threat of him 'losing control' over himself in the future if something upsets him.

From your OP, every inch of your relationship is a fucking mess. Just end it for your children's sake.

Why do you want to stay?

He punished you horribly. Do you accept that that is ok? Because that's what he is saying by pointing to books about affairs to justify his reaction. It's like saying 97% of rapes dont result in prison so he should be able to rape and not go to prison.

So, do you accept that he has a right to punish you? What about your kids? Can he lose control with them if they do something very bad? Either he CHOSE to punish you or he lost control. Neither are ok.

If the change was that radical you would not be posting on Mumsnet

Noone has suggested you leave because they are scared that you will stay who him and shut them out for speaking up.

The reason why you cannot stop thinking about it is because you know and understand that he is a violent, gaslighting, abuser. You may never of seen this behaviour before but I can guarantee if you say or do something that he doesn’t like it will happen again. I’m a DV victim the first time it happened I believed it was a one off and it was my fault. Please please leave no amount of therapy will change your husband. The SA should of resulted in the Police being called he was not asleep he was punishing you. I’m worried for your children because no matter what you believe that they don’t see or hear anything they still recognise undercurrents. Please leave you do not need to be in this relationship which was obviously in trouble for a long time. You have said money is not an issue then why in earth are you still there. You will always worry and be afraid it will happen again. Please leave for your children and yourself.

My ex did this to me. The condition that causes men (or women) to have sex with their partner whilst the perpetrator is ‘asleep’ is unbelievably rare. Honestly, look it up. You were sexually assaulted as was I and these ‘men’ always say I didn’t know I was doing it but it’s BS. Leave. He has shown his true colours as a violent person. I hope you’re ok and you really should report this to someone, even if it’s your doctor.

He will never forgive you, will never forget it and will bring it up constantly. You seem surprised by this. You should leave asap before you become another statistic. Neither of you know how to treat one another with care.

Quite right @Rollin

OP, how do your therapists frame this incident?

The deep hard question is: does this man make you happy? Do you want to stay with him? If you say that he made a radical change since I may give the marriage a "grace period" and see if a) that radical change stays for good and b) you're happy with that man, if not the case I will call it quits because you sound very unhappy.

It's really interesting that you say you owe it to your kids to try to make it work by forgiving him but that you still had an affair. I'm NOT having a go at you here.

What I'm saying is that it sounds like you'll do anything to stay with him and I wonder of he knows that and like hes using this as a chance to be nasty to you because he wants to punish you. Do you think he might have shown tendencies to control you (by making sure you have equal time to yourself on overlapping non work days or throwing his weight around because he can pay his share with 5 hours work and you xant, the underlying messaging being that his time is more valued)

I need to add he sounds like an as-hole with anger issues.

OP, I really don’t mean this unkindly, but some of your posts come across - at least to me - as though you’re looking for a reason to stay and hoping for reassurance here that that’s OK. You’re struggling with the fact that he was violent and frightening in the aftermath of his discovery of your affair, and you’re right to be. He assaulted you, and came up with a bullshit excuse which you know you shouldn’t accept, because it’s, well, bullshit……….

He’s shown you a side of himself that you didn’t know existed, and now that you know he’s capable of such behaviour, you also know that you have absolutely no way of knowing whether it will happen again.

You say you’re working on your marriage through therapy and that you’ve done some good work, but you also say that he’s checked your emails and has even used your digital fingerprint to hack into your therapy journal - and regardless of what a PP said, that’s not acceptable under any circumstances, any more than any of his other behaviour is permissible under the heading ‘looking for an affair’ He doesn’t trust you, he’s looking for evidence of an affair even though you’re in therapy, he doesn’t respect your boundaries and if you’re honest with yourself, now that he’s shown you all of this, you are frightened of him. I don’t think this is fixable, and I think for the sake of yourself and your children, you should leave.

You both behaved badly and betrayed each other but now seem to be working hard at rebuilding the relationship.
Both of you need to find forgiveness but that will only come when you truly have put this behind you

He burnt your clothes.
He verbally threatened you.
He sexually assaulted you (and claimed he was asleep, have I understood that correctly?)
This behaviour went on for 5 days.
He hacked into your digital diary (and no I don't think this behaviour is ok even in the context of cheating).

You should be out of there. He is dangerous. He now knows he can get away with this, so the next time something happens, does not even have to be an affair, he can behave like this again, because you have taught him that it's ok by staying with him.

The marriage sounded like a right mess before you even had the affair. Before the affair you might have had a chance of rescuing it with counselling. Even after the affair, you could have worked on the marriage BUT not when he has revealed a violent and abusive side.

Why do you want to stay in this relationship?

You don't owe it to your children to stay - you owe it to your children to leave.

You felt neglected enough that you went looking elsewhere when really, at that point, you should of broken up with him.

He reacted awfully - shouting and swearing is one thing, sexual violence is another. Again, he should of left you once he found out you'd had an affair rather than allowing his bruised ego to get out of control.

Both of you staying in a beyond repair relationship out of some misguided belief you're doing the best thing for your children. You're really not.

It’s because you have two children you should leave.

It would not require a professional third party to tell me to leave my husband who had sexually assaulted me and threatened violence, I have to say. Even if nobody was telling me to leave then I still would, particularly if had children and lived with them domestically. Therapists are not there to tell you what to do with your private life, they are there for you to sound out your feelings on it and work on managing them.

Why does the marriage need to be worked on, what is the benefit? Someone you seem not to have historically wanted to be with in the first instance, who has demonstrated they are emotionally and physically abusive in the home you share with children. If he has made you feel guilt over the affair and you feel you 'owe' him a chance because of what 'you have done to him' then that is not correct OP, not at all. He is responsible for his own choices and the ones he's made are a disgrace and form no part of any loving relationship and are a huge safeguarding concern that no person should ignore.

I don’t think it’s possible for the OP to put his violent and abusive behaviour behind her, no matter what the provocation. The OP may be working hard at rebuilding the relationship, but he’s still looking for signs of an affair - checking her emails, hacking into her therapy journal. Doesn’t sound to me as though he’s putting anything behind him and if he even thinks he’s found something to confirm his suspicions it puts the OP in danger. He’s already shown the OP who he really is. She should believe him and leave. For her children as well as herself.

Nope, have you not read the news lately?? Men like this are dangerous. Look at the poor headmistress and her daughter. He’s proven that he can assault you and get away with it, what if there’s another problem or you do something he doesn’t like?? Do you want that environment for your kids, seriously…. It’s not too late to report the assault to the police either, maybe ask Womens Aid for advice. Affairs are shit but not worthy of assault in any universe.

I was upset that he read my therapy journal - he hacked into it - waited til I was asleep and used my fingerprint to get into it (digital diary). But as a PP says this is “allowed” in the context of looking for an affair. This is my issue - a lot of behaviour that would be otherwise impermissible is ok in the context of cheating.
Just to add: when my exh had his affair, I found his email password and read his emails. He'd written the password down long before and forgotten, and never changed it. If I liked, I could say "Well, he was having an affair!" or "He should have changed his password". I do think those things to myself sometimes, to feel better about my snooping. But I wouldn't try that out on anyone else, as I know snooping is wrong. And if we'd stayed together, of course I wouldn't have used those excuses on him. I was out of order reading his private messages even if it was in the context of desperately wanting proof.

After the affair was revealed, on one occasion I walked out of a restaurant on him and left him sitting there with his plate of food. That made me feel bad about myself. I remember his face as I left and think that I could have dealt with that much better. Does your partner berate himself for his behaviour?
If you had done something nasty to him, would you be reading books designed to justify what you did?