DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

What did he say when you both disclosed the assault to the couples therapist.
I wonder what the therapist is supposed to do about it ethically (I assume nothing!) it must be very hard to counsel a couple where one has assaulted the other?!

He sexually assaulted you and you ended up comforting him in his distress?

You fucked up. He is allowed to get angry. But violent? Sexually aggressive? No!

Do both of you a big favour and be the adult one more time. Leave him.

@Rosscameasdoody
Clueless 🤣

@Seapearlstar OP has shown a broad understanding of how her infidelity hurt her DH, and accepted full responsibility.

In turn, her DH has denied the sexual assault took place while he was conscious, and has blamed her for his loss of control and sustained raging abusive episode, which shows absolutely zero accountability and a frightning lack of honesty.

It is not "molly coddling" someone to let them know that assault by a spouse, sexual or otherwise is unacceptable, as a punishment or for any "reason" , it is wholly unacceptable. Always. It does not matter who she fucked, or did not. It's 2023 and we no longer live under feudal law. She's not a chattel that misbehaved, she's not his property, she has not brought disrepute upon his house that must be avenged.

If she leaves him, which it's hoped that she will, it will be for her sake, and that of her children, not for her abusive husband.

You were cheated on, you broke down many times, you felt destroyed, but yet you still managed not to sexually assault your partner as part of a days long punishment session, burn their clothes, threaten to smash their face into a wall, presumably. Had you, would you have felt vindicated?

Jesus wept ! Why are you trying so hard to minimise what he did ? No, the OP shouldn’t have done what she did, but did you actually comprehend that by the time the OP was driven to the OM, DH had checked out of the relationship himself ? And he wasn’t ‘hiding’ anything - if you read the OP’s post it’s clear that he was controlling and neglectful long before the affair. You don’t think he suspected she was having an affair, at least in part, because he recognised his own behaviour as a contributory factor ? Once he had the affair confirmed he resorted to physical violence - not a hard slap or a punch, which would have been unacceptable in itself, but sexual assault. It’s not justifiable at all and if you’d be more angry about his working hours then you’ve got your head up your arse.

Take your victim blaming and sexual assault apologism and put it somewhere it will be very hard to find.

I am really surprised by the number of posters who are victim blaming 'you hurt him and he hurt you' as if having an emotional affair is equal to being terrorised and sexually assaulted.

He has no excuse for what he did to you, it wasn’t a one-off act of madness, it was days of appalling behaviour from him, it was repeated aggression and not in the heat of the moment.

You do not deserve this treatment - you don't have to be punished for an emotional affair in such an awful way and over a number of days.

Now you know what he's capable of, how you feel safe with him? And how can your home be happy for your children? Kids pick up on tension even if they manage to sleep through the arguments.

I think you need to end the marriage
I think that people should make an effort if they have kids, but not when there's repeated violence and aggression - sexual assault, shouting at you, burning your clothes, trying to control you, this is what he's done. He didn't see black for a minute and do something out of character - which I wouldn't forgive though some posters would - he let his temper have full rein till he got an ego boost by doing well in work.

You don't deserve to have this happen to you and your kids don't deserve to live in a family where you know this can happen again. Therapy can't fix everything.

Don’t think it was so much tolerance, as sweeping any unpleasantness under the carpet.

I am not blaming the op for anything at all

that is not fair - I am saying there are posts on here where a woman has hit her partner when she found out he was cheating and she didn’t get told she was an abuser

also publicly there are double standards for men and women when it comes to violence

The poster said in 20 years she’s never seen anything like this so I don’t think I’m victim blaming her?

I was trying to give a take on the situation

I think the fact that he sexually assaulted her and set fire to her clothes might just be giving her pause for thought.

I am really surprised by the number of posters who are victim blaming 'you hurt him and he hurt you' as if having an emotional affair is equal to being terrorised and sexually assaulted

It's astonishing and really eye opening how women in 2023 can feel that domestic violence and sexual assault can be vindicated by a transgression. No one prosecuted rates are so bloody low. Absolutely appalling.

I don’t wish to go into the details of the assault but it wasn’t touching me in his sleep. It was sustained and involved restraint of me. Of course I wouldn’t be worried about my husband touching me even if I didn’t particularly like it. I’m not an idiot.

Op

i do apologise if I have caused you upset in any way with my post as that was not my intention

And your take on it was that his working hours were more of a concern than the fact that he sexually assaulted her and set fire to her clothes ?

Ok apologies I thought you said you were in bed and he was asleep. I have misread the post

@affairdilemma you're not obliged to go into details of anything  and it's dreadful that you should be forced to defend yourself to other women like this.

do you have close friends and family you can turn to?

@Quitelikeit

He sexually assaulted her, set her clothes on fire, terrorised her for several days in a rage.

So you did something very very hurtful to this man and he reacted in a very very hurtful way.

Shorthand, "you were asking for it"

This is flippant, minimising, tit for tat, excusing of the abuse that the OP has experienced. Your apology was necessary.

1. when a women on here admits to hitting her husband they are absolutely held to account for domestic violence.

2. perhaps read the ops posts a little more carefully or look at mine if you need a clearer breakdown

3. it doesn't matter how many years have passed. Violently assaulting, terrorising and sexually abusing someone over a period of days no matter the presumed "provocation" DOES make someone an abuser.

4)if you are trying to play devil's advocate for her husband then you ARE victim blaming

In the politest terms I can muster - give your bloody head a wobble.

No you are misinterpreting my comments gold duster

I was not talking about the incident in the bedroom I was talking about the whole situation

I said I thought he was asleep as that’s what the post states it was not clear that the op thought he was lying until her later post

I have apologised to the op

lets not derail the thread I will ask mumsnet to delete my comment

Doesn't sound like he was asleep at all then.

What's to stop him doing this again?

Once that boundary is crossed, it's so much easier for it to be crossed again.

Ah - I understand now. I was under the impression that he hacked into your journal after he had discovered the affair.

@Quitelikeit

I may have misinterpreted your comment, but I'm happy to hear what you actually meant.

Your whole post is fairly problematic for me though, to be honest.

Abusive men, physically, verbally, sexually do not control or hide it for 20 years. Simple. I'ts not simple, nor is it true.

He lashed out. Women have slapped, punched and done worse to their cheating partners. This is a justification. If it's not, what is it? Some women, somewere have slapped their partners, so this particular woman must accept with being sexually assaulted and having her clothes set on fire?

Is violence ever ok? Probably not but in that moment when the rug has been pulled from under you then sometimes people act out of character. And luckily, most of them don't go on a five day violent rampage. Because they're not violent and abusive.

If this happens to me I can tell you now I might give my DH a hard slap across the cheek - I’d feel justified tbh. We are not talking about a hard slap across the cheek. Would you sexually assault him and then pretend you were asleep while you were doing it, so you had no recollection or control of yourself, and threaten to smash his face into a wall, and set his clothes on fire? You wouldn't? Why not?

You say he touched you in his sleep and jumped awake when alerted - (and stopped) never done this before in 20 years? If he truly was asleep?…………. That's not what OP said, at all.

I’d be more angry about his 3 hour working week and would have dumped his sorry ass years ago!!!!! Then you have some very strange priorities and some skewed judgement.

@Quitelikeit

You say he touched you in his sleep and jumped awake when alerted - (and stopped) never done this before in 20 years? If he truly was asleep?……

You've minimised the description here. Hugely.

OP was very clear he sexually assaulted her.

Words are important. She is clear that he committed a criminal offence, a sexual one, against her.

Reframing that as him 'touching her in his sleep' is pretty vile to be honest. I can't imagine what would motivate anyone to minimise like that, it's really disconcerting.

@Quitelikeit Lets' not derail the thread? I don't think this is derailing the thread, I think that it's really important that we do not say things like this to women who have been assaulted, by their husbands, or otherwise.

It normalises it, it minimises it, it makes it sound like you felt that she deserved it.

We need to do so much better.