DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

Suggest you visit Specsavers the rape is in the original post.

And you are dangerously minimising domestic abuse.

He has committed the greatest betrayal of trust.

FFS.. why are you trying to imply I think that justified what he did, I didn’t say that. Hate it when people try and twist words

He's doing a good job of pretending to make changes and look good.

It will stand him in good stead when he goes for custody of the DC.

He will roll back the improvements and the abusive man he is will resurface, when he has enough on you to either keep you in place, or let you go but keep the DC- at least enough to worry you.

Please be really careful. There are red flags all over this.

Some important points here. Not sure it was a case of falling in love with another man - sounds more like the OP was looking for comfort because of the way DH was behaving. Not saying it was right, but understandable under the circumstances. I’m really concerned that a therapist is actually providing counselling where there has been abuse. It’s unethical.

That’s my error then. The OP needs to report it and end counselling. You don’t go in to couple’s counselling with someone who has raped you.

It says sexual assault, not rape. That could be the same thing, or it could be less serious.

Thank you that’s what i thought it said and as you say that covers a range of activity. I also said that’s why I didn’t think it was appropriate to discuss it in detail here because of the reasons that have since become apparent

You don't go to couples counselling with anyone who is abusive, regardless of whether that includes rape or not.

It's very dangerous and a reputable therapist would not permit it.

Well we have three extremely well credentialed and reputable therapists. Obv I don’t know what H has disclosed to his.

You both sound like terrible people to be honest. Part ways.

Thanks prettylittlefool. One thing I’m very clear on is that I’m not a terrible person but thanks for the input.

He sounds very dangerous. I don’t think you are going to be able to persuade yourself this is a safe environment because fundamentally it isn’t.

Is it really worth trying to fix this marriage? It sounds pretty dire from your descriptions.

Oh God, who let the idiots out tonight?

OP, you're not a terrible person. No, a perfect saint wouldn't have kissed another man even while married to a violent sexual abuser but a perfect saint also wouldn't put the boot into a stranger over the Internet for it, so let's leave that to one side.

It's shameful that so many people would try to equate what you did to what he did, especially given the circumstances, and it's insulting that they think they can deny they're doing it.

I know it's difficult, but ignore them. They don't know what they're talking about. They're so wrapped up in their own hurt from their own circumstances that they can't see this isn't them or their circumstances, even with a violent, sex offending pyromaniac all over it. You aren't their husbands and this isn't their story.

Just get out of this toxic abusive relationship.

No, you are not a terrible person.

Taking out the whys and wherefores of the affair and everything he may have done since to sort out what was wrong in the marriage, the problem as I see it is that he has been aggressive, violent, sexually abusive and he was setting things alight. That’s the bit I would struggle to get over on a very visceral level. This is surely a traumatising experience for you to experience which means on some level, it will be hard to trust him ever again. You need to try and reconcile the type of person who could snap and endanger you, and your family and home (which setting the house alight would have done) with the person you want to be married to and I think that is at a physical and mental level very hard.
I think there is also an issue of whether he would be safe around the DC if anything happened again that he was not able to mentally cope with. It would make me see him in a different light.

What's their specialism or area of expertise? Any experience in trauma or domestic abuse?

After reading some posts I hear that kissing a man who is not your husband is as bad as inflicting physical and sexual violence in a person, I can’t believe I’m reading things such as “both of you were bad”. I’m not sure if I’m in UK 2023 or Afganistán under taliban.

Some people had a problem with my comment stating that he was probably traumatised by your affair. Some people have said it was only a couple of kisses, but emotional affair it clearly was and it got physical to some extent. I wasn’t in any way condoning him hurting you, just don’t think molly coddling you when people can get so hurt by cheating is a good idea. Many have said to leave him for your safety. I think if you left him, do it for him, and understand that cheating hurts people. Being honest on my perspective, and free speech is (not yet) a crime. Cheating destroys and breaks trust, and causes people pain, you’ve stated clearly that this was his initial reaction and that he hasn’t been this way with you before or since. Saying it how I see it. I’ve been cheated on, and I broke down many times, didn’t get aggressive but definitely destroyed my heart and mind.

I dunno I can see why you had an affair. I totally understand. Of course it would have been better to try and fix your marriage with therapy or something but I suspect you would have struggled to get him to engage with that.

I have two friends in similar situations - one had an affair and the other didn't. Both are in relationships with abusive men. I think the one who had the affair is really having an exit affair. It hasn't worked yet but I see her stronger now. I think in situations like yours the affair is a lifeline. Unless you have been there or have close friends or family in situations like yours it's hard to understand the affair is a way of surviving.

I don't think you can get past his reaction and I understand that. I think you know what you have to do but you feel guilty because of the affair. I think it will fall apart at some point. The question is when and who triggers it.

You seem nice.

Maybe he was hurt by the OP cheating, but she says he checked out of the relationship once they had children. He didn’t stop to consider that as factoring in to her turning to another man, just lost his shit and attacked her. He may not have behaved like this since then, but he’s got the password to her phone and he’s hacked into her therapy journal, so he’s still after a degree of control.

Try reading the thread and then applying some critical thinking.

Sorry, not sure which of my comments you’re responding to. You seem nice though. 🙄

Ffs

Yes continue victim blaming by all means.

if you insist - at no point has the op in any way resolved herself of responsibility. In fact, the appears to be staying in a dangerously abusive relationship partly for the exact reason.

And this..?

if you left him, do it for him

NO. If she leaves him she does it for herself and her own safety which ABSOLUTELY MUST come first.

He is fully entitled to put himself first by leaving to (for balance, since you're so concerned).

Ffs

Yes continue victim blaming by all means.

if you insist - at no point has the op in any way resolved herself of responsibility. In fact, she appears to be staying in a dangerously abusive relationship partly for the exact reason.

And this..?
if you left him, do it for him

NO. If she leaves him she does it for herself and her own safety which ABSOLUTELY MUST come first.

He is fully entitled to put himself first by leaving to (for balance, since you're so concerned).