If the op had posted earlier on, talking about her husband and what they were arguing about etc (as mentioned in her posts), there would have been dozens of responses querying abuse.
But she wrote the word "affair" and instead dozens of women are emotionally triggered into justifying his abhorrent crimes.
A growing emotional closeness over the course of a year is an emotional affair, sure, but that could mean they started chatting about a few personal things, being generally supportive of each other and finding the other funny (all things perfectly innocent) and not crossing the line into an actually emotional affair for several months.
But,back to what we actually know. We actually know that they met up a total of 3x and kissed on one or all of these 3 occasions.
We know that he would routinely shout at her for such things as getting her haircut and going to the gym on the same weekend.
We know that the op worked full time and her husband worked no more than approximately 5 hours per week while refusing to look after his children or do domestic activities with the additional 35 hours Monday to Friday. That alone made him a lazy, selfish arse but combined with the example of his reaction above, it is highly indicative that he was an abusive husband before the op kissed another person.
The op says that her husband had been suspicious of her for a long time and going through her emails etc. Now, this might have been for a period of months as the whole emotional affair lasted no more than 12.
However, given what else we know about her husband I would be willing to bet not only all my current assets but my future earnings from the next several years that he had a history of secretly monitoring her communications and friendships with other people.
We know that when he finally found proof she had become emotionally close to another man, seen him 3 times and kissed him he reacted with extreme violence, threats of further violence and sexual assault (possibly rape).
Quite frankly, I really struggle to see how anyone except the abusive tw*t himself can even begin to compare the op's physical indiscretion & emotional affair with what he has done and I have to wonder how these people would react if their daughters found themselves in that situation.
I have to wonder if those who are so keen to judge the op as abusive are the same people who acquit rapists in court in the face of overwhelming evidence of their guilt. I have to wonder if these are same posters who join in threads decrying the appalling abuse of male on female violence.
@affairdilemma - you asked for advice.
My advice is this: disengage from couples therapy immediately. It is never safe to be in counselling with an abuser which is what your husband is by virtue of his behaviour when he discovered your small affair if nothing else.
Take some time to read up on coercive control and look at the Refuge and Womens Aid websites. They both have quick exit buttons so you can look at them safely without your husband knowing. I urge you to reach out to Refuge or Womens Aid using their phone lines or chat facilities.
Please understand that abusers often follow a cycle and while your husband may appear to forgive you, to be "doing the work" and changing this won't last. If you don't feel you it's justified to leave him now at least learn as much as you can about domestic abuse (including coercive control) so that when he starts again you are in a position to recognise it.
He will use your affair to justify his future actions.
To most people, your affair is of the lesser variety and in no way excuses or justifies how he has treated you. There is absolutely no reason whatsoever for his reaction.
If you ever want to talk, please feel free to direct message me at anytime. You are not to blame for his behaviour. It is within you take control of you life at any point and however frightening this may seem you can do it as gradually as you need to.
You deserve better. For your sake and for your children, please find a way to leave him.