DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

You need a new therapist op.

Have a chat to Womens Aid and see what they think.

There is no moving past this. He should be in gaol for what he did to you.

Of course it is, it really hurts the other person, its mentally abusive. Obviously there's no crime being committed with it but you can't play down the impact that could have on someone.

I find it really disturbing that he burned your clothes. Really disturbing. He probably wanted to burn you.

It isn't mentally abusive.

There is a world of difference between deception and betrayal and abuse.

The mental affects of an affair may be huge but that doesn't make an affair abusive.

The person having the affair may also engage in behaviour which is abusive but having an affair isn't abusive itself.

Not lying to ourselves, just have the ability to apply critical thinking.

This is one of those threads where I find myself hoping that the OP is not genuine, because it is so disturbing to imagine that this is someone’s reality - and that there are children involved.

Deluded? 🤣

Even normally sane people do mad things when they are confronted with their spouses betrayal - how about the trope about a woman cutting up all her husband’s suits? There was a footballer chucking belongings out a window on social media a couple of weeks ago. There’s no excuse for frightening someone. I’m not going to comment on the sexual assault as it’s too complex for people here to get their heads round it. However I know myself I, a totally sane person, seriously contemplated putting a brick through my cheating ex’s prized car front windscreen and letting down his tyres. I didn’t do it but tbh it was a 50/50. I genuinely would never even think of those kind of things, it just is not me. There is no excusing bad behaviour at all. You don’t seem to have really accepted how shocking this news is to the person who has been betrayed though.

abuse

1.use (something) to bad effect or for a bad purpose; misuse.

"the judge abused his power by imposing the fines"

2.treat with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly.

Having consensual adult sex isn't cruel or violent, unlike sexual assault. It may be hugely dishonourable, dishonest, and excellent grounds for divorce, but that's not abuse. Ending a relationship can also cause psychological damage.

And in OP's case, I frankly don't judge her at all. She's married to a violent, sex offending, clothes burning psycho. Kissing another man a couple of times when that's your partner is nothing at all.

And for the love of God stop accusing everyone who understands this of having an affair themselves. It's beyond stupid and just shows how myopic your outlook is. Maybe you need to have an affair to gain this level of understanding but most people don't.

Where do you draw the line.

I'm sure you'd say that if one partner deliberately undermines the other by making comments about them, they try and knock their self esteem, that would be classed as bullying and abuse?

Having an affair has exactly the same impact.

By the way, not all abuse is criminal. You can make someone hate themselves, their appearance or make them feel fat by commenting on it constantly but what are they actually going to be charged with in that case?

Either way none of it is nice behaviour.

Can we all please refocus on what the OP needs support with. We all will have views on affairs, however in the end those don't matter compared to right now - the OP wants support. Not to be told she's abusive for making this grave mistake which she is trying her best to work through.

OP it will take time to work through - for both of you. Only the future YOU will decide if you can make it. It sounds like you are both trying to come out the other side. Keep going.

Falling in love with another man, meeting him, and kissing him breaks the promises you made in your marriage vows. It is a betrayal.

Coercive and controlling behaviour is a crime.
Destruction of property is a crime.
Making threats to harm someone is a crime.
Physical assault is a crime.
Rape is a crime.

There is absolutely no comparison between the OP's betrayal and her husband's multiple criminal acts. None whatsoever.

OP, you are in very deep denial about how abusive your husband is, and how much it has already damaged you and your children. I am also concerned that you are part of a wider community which normalises his behaviour, and thinks that you kissing another man justifies his treatment of you.

@ReneBumsWombats well said

*Either way none of it is nice behaviour *

It is sooooo reassuring to hear sexual assault and domestic violence described this way

Affairs are understandably an emotive topic for most, if not all people. As a pp pointed out, the hurt and rage they can cause a person to feel is extreme. However, feeling an emotional reaction isn't the same as expressing it in an abusive way.

affairs are not abuse.

and before anyone decides to accuse me of thinking differently were genders reversed - no, I wouldn't and I dont.

I do think I just need to address this really clearly with him in therapy and lay out starkly how I am feeling and see how he reacts.

I think you need to find a decent individual therapist to process it yourself before attempting to do so in couples therapy.

I'm by no means a therapist but honestly think you aren't able to "move past it" yourself because you're so busy feeling guilty about the affair that you haven't actually processed what he has done to you.

You're comparing apples with oranges though. Sexual assault and domestic violence are physical abuse, which is usually worse.

Making someone feel really shitty because you couldn't be bothered to tell them the relationship is over is just as bad as being verbally or mentally abusive. As I said, verbal/mental abuse wouldn't always be classed as criminal it would depend on exactly what was said/done. And sadly it's usually hard to get a conviction for that.

He should have dumped you.

@lifeturnsonadime

Urrrrrrm ok hon

I think you've missed the indications that her husband was at best very controlling before she kissed someone else.

It's really not difficult to see a very classic pattern of coercive control by him in their marriage before and after she kissed another man.
It's also really not hard to see how afraid she is of him and how she's blinded by her guilt, which - in this particular situation- is out of kilter with the extent of her betrayal.

Sexual assault and domestic violence are always worse than one party kissing another person and becoming emotionally close to them. I also fundamentally disagree with you view that "making someone feel shitty" is every bit as bad as abuse.

Rather than violently and sexually assaulting her? Yes, I agree.

Certainly a more mature and healthy response than indulging in criminal behaviour.

Sexual assault and domestic violence are always worse than one party kissing another person and becoming emotionally close to them. I also fundamentally disagree with you view that "making someone feel shitty" is every bit as bad as abuse.

Exactly. There is a reason that one of these things is a serious crime, and the other is not.

Oh get a life.

Having an emotional affair is unfaithful but not abusive.

Certainly nothing like rape, frightening someone, stalking on the internet, burning their clothes or shoving their head against the wall.