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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
Emotionalsupportviper · 08/02/2023 15:02

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:42

I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.

Not even taking responsibility for his terrible, violent, abusive begaviour.

He knew what he was doing.

His tears are self-pity. LTB - and I hardly ever say this.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 15:04

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Because he felt perfectly justified in raping her after finding out she kissed another man a few times. Is that what you want her to take responsibility for ?

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 15:07

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 14:53

Well you are both abusive. The relationship is toxic. Leave for the sake of you BOTH

How is the OP abusive ? Do tell.

WisherWood · 08/02/2023 15:07

I suspect he just threatened to reveal the affair to his wife if he ever contacted me again and did it in a sufficiently menacing way that the OM knew he was serious. From the OMs perspective he doesn’t know if H is reading all my texts, emails, has a key log on my keyboard etc. I don’t blame him for running away as fast as he can and cutting me out - I would have done the same. I don’t think he physically threatened him.

I'm not talking about blaming the OM. I don't really care about him. What I'm getting at is how your husband treated him. You don't seem to be able to see clearly what your husband is, and I hoped that maybe by examining his behaviour towards someone else, you might start to see it. Your husband is dangerous.

And ignore whatever batshit incel misogynist claptrap it is some people on here are spouting. What you did in no way comes anywhere near what your husband did to you.

WeepyWillow · 08/02/2023 15:08

Are you being completely honest that the first 20 years of your relationship were fine? If so then I would give it 12 months and observe his behaviour in that time.

You say your finances are good but you probably want to ensure they are separate now.

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 15:09

@Rosscameasdoody

Uhhhhhh the betrayal

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 15:12

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 15:09

@Rosscameasdoody

Uhhhhhh the betrayal

So she was asking for it?

Asking to be raped?

Asking to have her clothes burned?

Asking to be stalked online?

Asking to have her face smashed into a wall?

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 15:13

Sussexlass84 · 08/02/2023 14:59

OP - I'm so confused...why are you so keen to forgive your rapist? That's what this is.

She's explained why.

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 15:14

@lifeturnsonadime

I said BOTH are abusive

Woolwichgirl · 08/02/2023 15:15

Pls LTB.He is extremely violent and your life is not safe around.this man .Am sure you have been watching the news recently..better safe than sorry.

Prestwickmermaid · 08/02/2023 15:19

Am with @purpledalmation and @RandomMess : at the centre of this you will both need to forgive each other for very hard things to have a chance of moving on. And own your behaviour

And that he has to own his behaviour fully. Sounds like he is owning some of the previous behaviour. Great, but what about those 5 days of much very extreme? Not at all unusual for those betrayed in affairs to snoop at all - that's how suspecxted affairs get found out every day. But some kind of assault is obviously horrible and can never be repeated

Have you spent real time in therapy session talking about the details and how you were terrified and how he behaved? Exactly what you and he did? And whether he understand how bad it is and is contrite and has learned anything? Sounds painful to do but utterly necessary to understand

ReneBumsWombats · 08/02/2023 15:22

Prestwickmermaid · 08/02/2023 15:19

Am with @purpledalmation and @RandomMess : at the centre of this you will both need to forgive each other for very hard things to have a chance of moving on. And own your behaviour

And that he has to own his behaviour fully. Sounds like he is owning some of the previous behaviour. Great, but what about those 5 days of much very extreme? Not at all unusual for those betrayed in affairs to snoop at all - that's how suspecxted affairs get found out every day. But some kind of assault is obviously horrible and can never be repeated

Have you spent real time in therapy session talking about the details and how you were terrified and how he behaved? Exactly what you and he did? And whether he understand how bad it is and is contrite and has learned anything? Sounds painful to do but utterly necessary to understand

Go away.

EllieM27 · 08/02/2023 15:26

“I know. But of course more complex - it happened in the middle of the night and he says he wasn’t awake and didn’t know what he was doing. And then mid way through he sort of snapped and started crying and I had to put him back to bed. Not black and white.”

I agree with other posters. It sounds like rape. OP, have you admitted to the therapists and to yourself that it was rape?
If you have told these therapists that he has raped you and they are trying to get you to work things out and have never told you that you need to leave then they need to be stripped of their licenses.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 15:28

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 15:14

@lifeturnsonadime

I said BOTH are abusive

using the same adjective to describe the actions of both is minimising his violence and sexual assault, implying tit for tat and an element of deserving it.

Her behaviour was not abusive, his was.

Tellingteller · 08/02/2023 15:32

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MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 15:33

If he burned your clothes, I’m sorry, that is psycho behavior. If you had done more than kiss, would he have burned you at the stake? I mean, I’d be afraid to stay in the same house with him. Remember you said he started a bunch of crazy stuff in the middle of the night while you were asleep.

Frankola · 08/02/2023 15:33

This relationship is dead in the water. He has sexually assaulted you. You have had an affair. Neither of those things come from a place of love and respect for a partner.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2023 15:37

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 15:33

If he burned your clothes, I’m sorry, that is psycho behavior. If you had done more than kiss, would he have burned you at the stake? I mean, I’d be afraid to stay in the same house with him. Remember you said he started a bunch of crazy stuff in the middle of the night while you were asleep.

I think the clothes burning is a 'thing'. My ex-husband who I referenced above as having a very strong but not violent reaction to finding out about my affair burnt my favourite coat. It was unpleasant but I didn't get too het up about it. In fact I had almost forgotten about it until I read OP's post.

mewkins · 08/02/2023 15:44

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2023 15:37

I think the clothes burning is a 'thing'. My ex-husband who I referenced above as having a very strong but not violent reaction to finding out about my affair burnt my favourite coat. It was unpleasant but I didn't get too het up about it. In fact I had almost forgotten about it until I read OP's post.

Show quote history

It's only a thing for crazy people!!!

Original poster
affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 15:45

I thought the clothes burning was more weird than anything tbh. There was some other stuff he tried to burn that was quite random but I stopped him because it was the middle of the night and we have kids and live in london and he’d probably burn the house down. He was really unhinged.

I do think I just need to address this really clearly with him in therapy and lay out starkly how I am feeling and see how he reacts. PPs are quite right that at the very least he has to acknowledge how wrong he was to behave in this way to have any chance of moving past it.

(and fyi for people who missed it before - he hacked me before affair discovery not after.)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/02/2023 15:45

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Having an affair is infidelity, it is most certainly not abusive.

Equating it with sexual assaulting your partner is utterly disgusting and you should be ashamed of your ignorance.

Sexual assault is a CRIME which the OP could and should go to the police and report.

She rightly reported it to her lawyer and therapist.

An affair is not in any shape or form a crime and since april 2022 no fault divorces are the law.

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 15:47

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 14:37

He has forgiven me for the affair. He acknowledges the context in which it happens and he is making changes to alter his behaviour. He knows he is welcome to look at my phone and he has my password, I’m just not prepared to be tracked like an endangered species on an ongoing basis. Plus, and he acknowledges this, tracking me doesn’t prevent anything. The original affair wouldn’t have been detected by tracking either. He is not using therapy to check up on me at all. I give him credit for that.

The marriage is over. I’m not excusing his behaviour at all, however you seem oddly dismissive of him. Is he usually quite meek? If he doesn’t need to work full time to pay half the bills then I don’t see why any one would. I would have a gripe about paying half of childcare when he is at home. But ultimately the relationship is over. You were looking for the affair to be a way out, which failed. Now you are looking to his behaviour as a way out. Just stop messing around and pull the plug.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2023 15:48

mewkins · 08/02/2023 15:44

It's only a thing for crazy people!!!

Show quote history

You might be right! But as I was leaving him anyway, I didn't focus too much on it. The OP on the other hand has chosen to stay....

ReneBumsWombats · 08/02/2023 15:48

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No it's not. Neither is it sexual assault.

Go away.

007DoubleOSeven · 08/02/2023 15:49

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No it f*ing isn't.