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Original poster

DH extreme reaction to my affair

537 replies

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 10:38

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 08/02/2023 14:37

I think these batshit answers are examples of some incel block finding this thread.

sexual assault - a crime, can never be recovered from.

Xenia · 08/02/2023 14:38

What is the radical change he has now made? If there is to be a divorce then originally the poster was the higher earner and husband did just about nothing so he might get the house and the children in the divorce and she would have to move out and support the family. If the radical change is husband is back in full time work and they both earn the same might be better outcome in the divorce for the original poster.

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 14:39

@Rosscameasdoody no, you're misunderstanding either my question or OP's responses - or potentially a bit of both.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 14:39

You cheated on him. I'd divorce my husband if he had a year-long emotional affair with someone and kissed them multiple times.

Where do you get that it was a year long emotional affair ? The OP said they met up three times over the course of a year and kissed. And you’ve completely ignored the DH’s behaviour, which is what drove the OP to the other man in the first place. Not saying she was right, but it was a contributing factor - she didn’t exactly have a torrid affair, it was a couple of meet ups and kissing, and suggests it was more for emotional reassurance than anything else.

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 14:39

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 14:37

He has forgiven me for the affair. He acknowledges the context in which it happens and he is making changes to alter his behaviour. He knows he is welcome to look at my phone and he has my password, I’m just not prepared to be tracked like an endangered species on an ongoing basis. Plus, and he acknowledges this, tracking me doesn’t prevent anything. The original affair wouldn’t have been detected by tracking either. He is not using therapy to check up on me at all. I give him credit for that.

So he's got past it and is doing all the right things. What is it you can't get past?

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2023 14:40

I had an affair at the tail end of my marriage which my ex husband discovered by hacking my emails. We hadn't had full sex but there was a lot more going on between us than OP and her 'affair' partner. And he got to read all about it. The day he confronted me was the angriest I have ever seen him, he said some pretty terrible things and I knew he certainly WANTED to hit me. But crucially, he didn't. Nor did he threaten or assault the other man. I don't know if this was because he was smart enough not to go down that route because he knew I would not only definitely leave in those circumstances but have a stronger case re custody etc. Or maybe he was thinking of how an assault would go down with BIJ. But I think it was mostly because he is fundamentally a good man who regardless of provocation wouldn't hit or sexually assault a woman. You now know that your husband, with much less provocation, is not that kind of man. You need to decide what to do with that information.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 14:41

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 14:39

@Rosscameasdoody no, you're misunderstanding either my question or OP's responses - or potentially a bit of both.

OK, apologies, I’ve obviously misunderstood what you were getting at.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 14:43

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2023 14:40

I had an affair at the tail end of my marriage which my ex husband discovered by hacking my emails. We hadn't had full sex but there was a lot more going on between us than OP and her 'affair' partner. And he got to read all about it. The day he confronted me was the angriest I have ever seen him, he said some pretty terrible things and I knew he certainly WANTED to hit me. But crucially, he didn't. Nor did he threaten or assault the other man. I don't know if this was because he was smart enough not to go down that route because he knew I would not only definitely leave in those circumstances but have a stronger case re custody etc. Or maybe he was thinking of how an assault would go down with BIJ. But I think it was mostly because he is fundamentally a good man who regardless of provocation wouldn't hit or sexually assault a woman. You now know that your husband, with much less provocation, is not that kind of man. You need to decide what to do with that information.

That was a really brave and honest post, and puts things into perspective really well.

tabletipper · 08/02/2023 14:43

When I discovered my husbands affair I said and acted in ways I didn't know were possible, I don't even recognize that part of me and realized that under the intense emotional stress and distress I was in caused me to have thought patterns I'm now shocked at,
However I was in no way abusive, never physical as ultimately at my very core I am neither of those things so even under that unbearable atmosphere and pressure I never acted out to cause him pain-

Your Husband can absolutely feel upset, anger, embarrassment but burning your clothes, abusing you is never ok - There isn't anyway back from that

Robinni · 08/02/2023 14:44

You were totally disengaged from your marriage. You lost respect and admiration for DH and this is why you had the affair.

My initial reaction when read the title was well what does she expect…

Upon reading the situation, and his reaction. You need to GET OUT NOW. And consider reporting him to the police.

larchforest · 08/02/2023 14:45

You need to end this relationship as soon as possible.

When someone I know found out about his wife's affair, he too went 'crazy', and actually tried to kill her. Thank god she escaped out of the house and ran away down the street before he could stab her.

Please don't be another statistic - your H has already shown you how violent and aggressive he can be.

WiIson · 08/02/2023 14:46

He's violent, aggressive and he sexually assaulted you. You can't move past it because you now know what he's capable of. He did know what he was doing in the night, he is lying to you. And I think deep down on some level you know that too. You need to start a new life with your children and without him. This is the only thing that will help you move forward. And if you can't do it for yourself right now, at least do it for your kids. Because who knows how far he will go next time his ego is slighted.

ittakes2 · 08/02/2023 14:47

The affair is a red herring - this man is not a keeper.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 08/02/2023 14:49

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Battyfumworts · 08/02/2023 14:51

Sorry you are going through this.

I want to say that while I don’t agree with affairs, his response was not normal. Cry, shout, storm out of course. But threats and sexual assault, no, I’m sorry OP, you need to report it, get it logged and leave, this behaviour will be repeated at some point.

I spent years in a similar relationship with someone who never work a single day in 7 yrs while I struggled on 6-7 days a week, I was assaulted, reported to the police for assault when he had assaulted me, sexually assaulted, threatened, verbally abused, controlled and humiliated; these events started as a 1 off and gradually got worse, I left in the end but it didn’t stop there, the abuse carried on via txt for a few more years and we didn’t even have children.

lifeturnsonadime · 08/02/2023 14:52

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She is not responsible for his violence and sexual assault. What a terrible thing to suggest.

quietnightmare · 08/02/2023 14:53

Well you are both abusive. The relationship is toxic. Leave for the sake of you BOTH

WiIson · 08/02/2023 14:53

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He was aggressive, violent and sexually assaulted her. There is never an acceptable excuse for this. Stop victim blaming.

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 14:54

I can’t get over that he burned your clothes and all the rest of the violent things he did and threatened.

SunshineLoving · 08/02/2023 14:55

You had an affair probably because you were being treated appallingly by your husband. Begrudging you going to the gym and getting a haircut at the weekend when you work full-time when he very nearly doesn't work at all. 5 hours isn't even a full day. You should have left him rather than start seeing someone else but you know that and it's still no surprise that you checked out of your marriage.

I bet he has not changed now? Does he still not allow you any sort of break and begrudge you wanting to look after yourself? If his behaviour has not changed in this regard, you're still at square 1, in the same position that made you have the affair.

His threats of violence and sexual assault is just incomprehensible. You can't excuse any of this. It is interesting (with want for a better word) that he committed the sexual assault at a time when he was furious at you for having the affair. Funny how he had never done anything like this before when 'asleep'. I strongly suspect that he knew full well what he was doing and he did it to punish you.

You cannot stay with a man who threatens, attacks you and grinds you down so much that you have no time for yourself. It would be really wrong for you and your children to stay with him.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2023 14:58

Your husband is a horrible person, he always has been, and he's a fucking rapist. It's astounding you are choosing to stay married to this degenerate. He should be in prison.

MysteryBelle · 08/02/2023 14:59

I hate to say this, but I think he’s a psycho and you need to leave stat.

Sussexlass84 · 08/02/2023 14:59

OP - I'm so confused...why are you so keen to forgive your rapist? That's what this is.

Scrambledchickens · 08/02/2023 15:02

I think your marriage is dead, he was a selfish entitled husband then you had an affair unsurprisingly.
HIs behaviour was absolutely unforgivable.
all the therapy in the world will not work, you won’t get past it because it flies in the face of your own self worth. Threats of violence, inciting fear and sexual assault are not forgivable.
you need to split up and start the next phase.

Rosscameasdoody · 08/02/2023 15:02

affairdilemma · 08/02/2023 14:37

He has forgiven me for the affair. He acknowledges the context in which it happens and he is making changes to alter his behaviour. He knows he is welcome to look at my phone and he has my password, I’m just not prepared to be tracked like an endangered species on an ongoing basis. Plus, and he acknowledges this, tracking me doesn’t prevent anything. The original affair wouldn’t have been detected by tracking either. He is not using therapy to check up on me at all. I give him credit for that.

Then - and I ask this gently - why did he hack into your therapy journal ? What was he looking for if it wasn’t proof that things had gone further than you admitted ? If you’ve told him he’s welcome to look at your phone and you’ve given him your password, then you’ve actually given him tacit permission to track you, and now you’re asking yourself where/when does that stop. I think you both have to examine trust as an issue. I know it takes time for one partner to trust again after the other has cheated. But he has the reassurance that he can check on you any time he wants, despite the knowledge that he won’t necessarily find anything by tracking you - that’s not trust, you’ve given him a back up. And what about trust on your side. He physically assaulted you. How long does it take for you to trust someone again after they have done that to you ? And more importantly, where is the guarantee that he won’t do it again the next time he loses his shit ? There isn’t one, and only you can decide if you are prepared to take that chance for you and your children.