DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

You must leave and you have to be very careful when you do so. You have to plan it so that you and your kids can get out of this safely. If he "snapped" when he found out about the om he may "snap" if he finds out you are leaving. I can't give you expert advice about how you do this, so suggest that you google DV helplines (or perhaps someone on here has the link) and tell them about your situation and get their support to make sure that you and your kids are protected when you go.

I just want to add to my post a reminder that he has told you what he will do to you if you step out of line. Believe him.

Have you told your family and friends about the violence and sexual assault?

I’m sorry to say this OP but you are the one that needs to run, you don’t actually know if your SO attacked or threatened OM. But he definitely SA and threatened you. I’m really worried that you are going to stay when your gut instinct is telling you something is very very wrong. No therapist would tell you to stay if they knew what your husband did to you. They would have a legal responsibility to report your SA to the police. Can I ask why you are still there? I left after the 2nd violent assault and it took me a long time to forgive myself that I didn’t leave the 1st time. Don’t be me leave now. It always happens again.

Are you the husband?

OP said it’s his reaction in the immediate aftermath of discovering the affair. He was violent. Doesn’t sound as though his behaviour before it was that great, or she wouldn’t have turned to another man for comfort - not saying that was right in any way, but his behaviour has been a contributing factor I think.

He’s definitely still raising the affair, but not directly - he’s hacked into and read the OP’s therapy journal. He clearly doesn’t think his behaviour was in any way to blame for the affair, and by hacking into her journal he’s demonstrated that he thinks he has a right to violate her privacy if it suits his purpose. He’s physically attacked her once, and she’s still with him, trying to sort it out - while he, on the other hand, seems obsessed with looking for evidence, presumably that things went further than she admitted to him. If that’s the only reason he’s still in the relationship then you have to wonder what he will do if he even thinks he has grounds for suspicion.

You need to leave.

The reasons you need to leave are vast and varied, and some fault can be debated until we are all blue in the face but the end result is - you need to leave.

He sexually assaulted you. He was violent. He was aggressive.

There is never any excuse for that ever.
Leave now before he becomes "wild" about something else and hurts the children

You sound batshit.

@Rosscameasdoody all of that was him discovering the affair, not his behaviour since the affair.

Maybe she is scared of his reaction

I don't think any of this is remotely salvageable.

You cheated on him. I'd divorce my husband if he had a year-long emotional affair with someone and kissed them multiple times.

However, he was violent and sexually assaulted you. That is a criminal offence. It's way, way off the scale of normal or acceptable behaviour. It is not safe for you to stay with him.

There is no love, trust, attraction or even friendliness between the two of you. Rightly so. Don't make your children grow up in this hellhole.

and yes have disclosed the assault to both the couples and individual therapists

There is something very wrong here. The foundation of therapy is the creation of a safe space. Couples therapy is not recommended in an abusive relationship because you cannot create a safe space with your abuser and should not make yourself even more vulnerable around your abuser. Controlling behaviour, threats, physical assault, and marital rape all clearly signal an abusive relationship.

Is this 'relationship therapy' happening within a specific religious or cultural context? It breaches basic safety and ethical guidlines.

Oh for fuck’s sake, are you on glue ???!!! His behaviour beforehand must have been pretty bad to drive the OP to another man - not condoning it, but the affair consisted of meeting another man a couple of times and kissing, so it suggests she was looking for comfort and warmth rather than a roll in the hay. DH decided that this warranted a violent response and sexually assaulted her.

And it’s not a case of the OP not forgiving him and moving forward - she’s clearly scared of him but she’s doing her best via therapy. Therapy which he is using to snoop for more evidence of the OP’s wrongdoing. Or did you miss the bit where he used her digital fingerprint to hack into her therapy journal ? Does that suggest forgiveness and a willingness to move on on his part ? Of course it doesn’t. It suggests he’s waiting around until he finds ‘proof’ that she went further than she admitted. Given his reaction to the OP kissing another man, what do you think he will do if he thinks he’s found something to suggest a full blown affair ? Stop victim blaming and try to understand what’s really going on.

@Seapearlstar Sounds like you completely traumatised him. Bad stuff happens when someone has an affair. Men have killed over affairs. Forgive him fully and move forward if you truly love him, he forgave you

Wtf am I reading? Seriously, WTF!!!

Just read first page. Op, I am all for working various issues out in a marriage and I am not one of those who will take a minor incident like not doing the laundry or something as a reason to ltb like so many over the top posters. For cheating I agree with others and say leave. You’re the one having been disloyal in this case.

But. Op. He burned your clothes? He threatened to smash your head against the wall? He went and threatened the other man? He sexually assaulted you (even if he cried and you put him to bed afterward which is weird in itself, he can claim he didn’t know what he was doing.) For a kiss and three meetings? Yes you were wrong and it was cheating yes but come on. Very scary. I would sleep with one eye open from now on. I wonder what he said or did to the other man? Personally I don’t think you’re safe with him. He sounds unstable and easily triggered into violence. What would he do then if you said you wanted to leave? He might really harm you or harass you for years. You might want to think how to disentangle yourself and get to a safe environment without him knowing or suspecting, this seems to be a volatile and dangerous situation. Don’t write things down and leave them in the house, he apparently looks through your belongings all the time.

People here are such bullies. OP does not want to leave. Herself and H have done a lot of work and improved their marriage. She now wants help with this particular issue of finding it impossible to get over the aftermath of the affair.

OP this is how I see it -

You had an affair and this required a lot of work on both sides. You held your hands up. He acknowledged the part he played in it and took steps to address them. He also forgave you.

He was violent and assaulted you. That can't be swept under the carpet anymore than your affair. He has to hold his hands up, you need to acknowledge your part in it then you need to work to forgive him. But he has to accept and be contrite for that to happen IMO.

And as an aside if you want to leave you're not obligated to stay because you were the bad guy here. It sounds like you're getting to a good place though.

This is what you asked.

OP is it his behaviour before the affair you can't get past or just his reaction?
Does he still raise the affair?

That was what I was answering. She said in her first post that she can’t get past his reaction to discovering the affair. And his behaviour since, has been to use the therapy sessions to invade the OP’s privacy looking for more evidence of her wrongdoing.

Congratulations, you’ve just heaped most of the blame on the OP. You’re victim blaming.

Absolutely this.

OP an ethical therapist wouldn't be providing joint couples counselling to a couple where one partner has sexually assaulted the other,

You said it more succinctly than I did. Op, your physical safety is at risk.

OP, I never told my sister to leave her abusive arsehole of a husband. Because she wasn't ready to and I was terrified she'd cut me out and then have no support at all. Since she left she has admitted she would have cut me out and that she's very grateful I was able to pretend to be okay with her choice until she was ready to leave.

Don't assume everyone (or indeed anyone) you know in real life agrees with your choice to stay just because they haven't outright told you to leave. And, frankly, if they don't think you being sexually assaulted means you should leave then they have a warped view of acceptable behaviour and / or don't care enough about you.

you need to acknowledge your part in it

A victim of domestic violence and / or sexual assault is in absolutely no way responsible for the behaviour of the abuser. I'm completely astounded that you think that.

Victim blaming at it’s absolute best isn’t it ?

He has forgiven me for the affair. He acknowledges the context in which it happens and he is making changes to alter his behaviour. He knows he is welcome to look at my phone and he has my password, I’m just not prepared to be tracked like an endangered species on an ongoing basis. Plus, and he acknowledges this, tracking me doesn’t prevent anything. The original affair wouldn’t have been detected by tracking either. He is not using therapy to check up on me at all. I give him credit for that.