DH extreme reaction to my affair

[affairdilemma]

Looking for advice as am tying myself up in knots over this.

DH and I have been in the doldrums for some time, he basically completely checked out when we had kids (we have 2 under 5). Don’t want to go into it too much as it’s not the point of this thread but short version is I work ft, he has a very part time job (usually about 5 hours a week, with the odd week 2-3 times a year of more), we have full time childcare in place and I do everything for the kids. We started fighting about that, he considered it fair as he was still funding the household 50% so it was his time to do with as his pleased, we needed to split weekend load 50/50 (lots of fights about petty stuff like me going to get a haircut AND go to the gym on the weekend and him going mad because he didn’t have a break that day and me pointing out he has a break 5 days a week which he didn’t accept). Anyway I felt completely neglected and pressured in the marriage and ended up having an affair of sorts - only met 3 times and kissed but it was very intense emotionally and happened over the course of a year.

Turned out that DH had been suspicious of me for a long time and was going through my emails etc. After I came back from the third meet-up he caught me (read everything including my diary) and went MAD. He went and burnt the clothes I was wearing when I met the om, verbally threatened me (said he’d smash my face into the wall etc) and on one occasion assaulted me sexually. It went on for about 5 days and a lot happened in the middle of the night. I was frightened and on the brink of thinking about leaving, police etc when he left for a week for a well timed work trip. While he was away he visited the OM and I think threatened him (I don’t know, the OM cut all contact after that meeting and I’ve never heard from him again).

When he came back he was more normal, not as aggressive anymore. We have been working to repair our marriage over the last 6 months and he has been in individual therapy as he now acknowledges the core issues of his selfishness and neglect of me and affair being a symptom of that. (Before anyone jumps on me, OBVIOUSLY in parallel I hugely regret the affair and the hurt I have caused and have taken responsibility and am doing my own work on this.)

But I am struggling with getting past his behaviour in the immediate aftermath of discovery. He was aggressive and violent and frightening. His view is that “people do crazy things when they find out about affairs” and is dismissive of it as in his view he was in so much emotional pain he went crazy. And of course he is sorry but he puts it down to just the emotion of the immediate chaos of discovery. Which I understand. BUT. I am struggling with accepting behaviour that, in any other circumstance, would be an absolute deal breaker for me.

what do I do? I want to get over it but I feel in a real dilemma and it’s blocking us moving forward.

And you believe this shit?

You’re absolutely right, I completely agree. Such a horrible situation.

What? No family or friends have told you to leave? Do they know he was violent and that he sexually assualted you? If they do then that's mind boggling but more likely you've not told them to protect him.

To be honest, it's not really relevant that in 20 years he has not been violent. He has been now, and you know what he is capable of. Will you change the nature of your behaviour now as to not set him off? If he does get violent again will he claim again he's still traumatised by the affair and you will continue to make excuses. he says he has totally forgiven you for your affair (which was emotional at best) but he hasn't and I am sure he will from time to time throw it in your face and say its all your fault.

Your poor kids, being stuck in the middle of this. Believe me, men like this do not change and it will get worse over time. And kids DO remember.

Obviously your husbands behaviour was horrific but so was yours. I think you both probably are finding it hard to get over the others behaviour, I’m surprised you’re still together.

@affairdilemma your posts already illustrate a man who was controlling before these incidents of violence and sexual assault. I'm willing to bet my house deposit that there is a long term pattern of controlling and abuse from him. Open your eyes and get out of this relationship as soon as you safely can.

You think the two are comparable? 🤨

That could be because you’re giving them the impression that leaving is not what you want, and they’re treading gently. You’re giving off the same vibes here, but MN AIBU will tell it like it is, as you say, in stark terms. A lot of posters will be advising from their own experience, as well as from an objective and dispassionate point of view from which it’s clear that you’ve gone past the point where you can fix this.

You need to understand that, regardless of the outcome of therapy, your husband will be on the lookout for any signs of future infidelity. He’s already proved that by hacking in to your therapy journal - he doesn’t respect your privacy and thinks he has the right to violate it because you’ve been ‘unfaithful’. Your concern should be his potential reaction should he even think he has grounds for suspicion in the future. He’s been violent once and you’re still there, so it will be easier for him next time. He’s shown you who he really is, now you need to believe him and leave.

How is the OP’s behaviour in any way comparable to her DH’s reaction ? She kissed a bloke a couple of times - ok, it was wrong. But do you really think it warranted her being sexually assaulted ?

It sounds like communication is/has been lacking, but it does also have the vibe that things are beyond repair. And I think its a two way thing too, not just one person's fault.

There's not enough detail on bits of this to form a proper judgement, and this is only one side of the story remember. Like the guy's work situation, if he's paying 50% then is that from savings or what? If so it must have been a planned career break and discussed beforehand. If one partner is working and the other is living off the back of that, then I'd say the one at home would end up taking on more childcare responsibility, I'd certainly feel obliged to do that. In this case though if things are still 50/50 financially and he's got the time off work for some other reason that hasn't been mentioned (e.g. study, work on himself, start his own business, recover from burnout - what is the reason he's not working full time?) then it might be expected that childcare responsibilities would be 50/50 too.

I guess I read the first paragraph and thought that wasn't enough of a reason to go and have an affair, there's more to it than whats written. Most of the time if there's an affair its hard to come back from that. He's shown you though that in response his behaviour is unacceptable, like it sounded stalkerish to be going through your emails even though he was right to be suspicious by the sounds of it. Then burning clothes, thats so extreme - most people don't set fire to stuff unless they work on a farm or something. The thought of just going in the back garden and having a bonfire is ridiculous. The sexual assault - again not enough detail. If you went up to someone in the street and randomly touched them thats definitely assault. If you touch your partner in bed trying to initiate contact I'm not sure (as how else would you normally do it?), unless you make it clear you don't want it and then they carry on, in which case it 100% is, and I suspect thats what you're saying happened.

I get why you're wanting to try and save it, for the kids, but somethings not right and you both maybe know its over? This is definitely going to flare up again at some point and you'd be better off being open and honest with each other and moving on.

You know, I don’t actually think she does. Otherwise she wouldn’t be posting here.

How can you forgive something when the other person won't take responsibility for it? Let alone trust it will never happen again?

I don’t think the OP is the one harbouring resentment. I think she’s seen the potential for violence in her DH and she’s frightened. He’s clearly the one harbouring resentment, otherwise he would be concentrating on their joint therapy to find a way forward together - instead of which he’s hacking into her therapy journal to look for more evidence of an affair. And if he thinks he’s found it, what then ?

Your husband is a psycho. Please leave him for your own safety.

OP is it his behaviour before the affair you can't get past or just his reaction?

Does he still raise the affair?

If you stay the threat of him going back to that behaviour will eat away at you until you can't sleep and flinch when you hear his key in the door.

Sometimes behave can't be excused. There is no 'just' sexual assault.

You cannot stay married to someone who specially assaults you OP.

You will never get past this while ever you stay with him. I couldn't, I'd have to leave. No amount of therapy would heal this for me. I'm so sorry you were in this position, look after yourself and your kiddies xxx

@affairdilemma

Have you disclosed the sexual assault to your therapist?

He's used tape to punish you. He's opened that door, there's no guarantee it won't happen again. There's nothing you could do that deserves what he did to you.

Leave. This relationship is over and not worth salvaging due to your husband's violence. You're financially independent - what's stopping you?

‘Who knows if we’ll make it’

awful. This should not be a desire at all. ‘Making it’ with a sex offender. Your kids need prioritised and kept safe, it’s immensely damaging to make them live with this man, in such an abusive, toxic sham. No therapist or counsellor with bare minimum ethics should be seeing the offender with his victim. Honestly, your posts are bone chilling.

Sorry just to be clear - he hacked into my journal to DISCOVER the affair. That was the only place he got confirmation that it was happening - the emails and texts didn’t contain anything other than logistics / work stuff. He used them to piece together when the meetings had occurred which were consistent with what I’d written about in my journal and that was how he found out the OMs name, phone number, identity, address etc. post discovery I was firm that I wouldn’t accept any conditions on my movements from him (we went through a phase where he asked me to be home by 10pm, turn on my live location, never visit the OMs city again etc and I refused). He’s accepted that and has been very good at managing his (understandable) anxiety at my movements when I’m travelling for work, out for dinner etc.

@WisherWood re the OM. I suspect he just threatened to reveal the affair to his wife if he ever contacted me again and did it in a sufficiently menacing way that the OM knew he was serious. From the OMs perspective he doesn’t know if H is reading all my texts, emails, has a key log on my keyboard etc. I don’t blame him for running away as fast as he can and cutting me out - I would have done the same. I don’t think he physically threatened him.

It sounds awful.
Your children will NOT thank you for staying together.

Leave.
Why would you want to go through all this emotional turmoil? A divorce sounds far more appealing.

An affair is never an excuse and neither is violence.
Your behaviour was wrong and so was his. Both admit that and move on, separately.

You don't win any awards by staying together!

They're all crazy. You have to have more than a screw loose - or be desperately insecure about your own relationship - to think just kissing another man is on anywhere near the same level as sexual assault and threatening to smash someone's face in. I wouldn't count a couple of kisses as an 'affair' at all.

Sorry to be clear on the therapy - the first time the affair kiss happened I put myself into individual therapy and us into couples therapy (without disclosing the kiss obvs). I was shocked and realised how much trouble I/we were in.

and yes have disclosed the assault to both the couples and individual therapists