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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
kateandme · 07/02/2023 13:14

Oh and on your last thread you mentioned money and supporting yourself.
I no it feels daunting now. But I promise you,there is help for you.and he will have to still contribute. Many may woman have managed this.and you will too.please don't panic over that part of this whole scene. I promise also its never a reason to stay.

user467892 · 07/02/2023 13:16

I'm so sorry OP. He's absolutely disgusting.

Justnot · 07/02/2023 13:19

Just to say, if anyone works out who you are, it’s your husband and the OW who should be worried, you have been nothing but lovely, they are obviously awful, shameless twats

mumof2andstillsurviving · 07/02/2023 13:22

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:55

This makes me so mad. It's the laziest form of reporting. It's not "news" it's your life. You reach out for support and some arsehole copies and pastes it and calls it journalism. What a cunt. They can quote me on that

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 13:29

mumof2andstillsurviving · 07/02/2023 13:22

This makes me so mad. It's the laziest form of reporting. It's not "news" it's your life. You reach out for support and some arsehole copies and pastes it and calls it journalism. What a cunt. They can quote me on that

Show quote history

I think they must trawl the trending bar and pick things up from there. There was one recently about a woman posting about a chap she had been on a few dates with being obsessed with talking about celebrities. That has made the Femail section of the Daily Mail Online.

CrazyCorgi · 07/02/2023 13:30

I’m so sorry @heartbroken26 My first husband did this to me and I still remember the gut punching feeling when he finally told me. He’d been caught out by my sister’s boyfriend and she and my mum forced him to confess.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t stop crying for a long time. It’s hard but you need to be strong. It’s nothing you’ve done, it’s all him. Don’t take the crap about lack of sex, he’s got no right to your body. If you don’t want it then it’s no reason to shag someone else. Shame on him. I hope you can move on from this xx

Dixiechickonhols · 07/02/2023 13:31

You sound like you have good support from your mum and mil. I agree be cautious with what you say to mil but I wouldn’t turn down practical help.
He’s caused devastation and only has himself to think about whereas you are left reeling and responsible for a baby and a child.
I personally couldn’t get past the deceit and lying. How dare he have a lovely day out shopping leaving you with 2 kids.
I’d focus on you and children. You don’t need to make immediate decisions or make things easy for him.
Practically I’d get an Sti check and make sure you have all docs safe eg passports, payslips etc.

skyeisthelimit · 07/02/2023 13:36

I'm sorry that it turned out to be true OP.

I feel sorry for your friend, being torn between her best friend and her sister, and it must have been so hard for her to let you know.

I agree with the MIL comments. Some MIL are great and support the XDIL, but a lot don't and will always end up supporting their own.

Bunniesue · 07/02/2023 13:42

mumof2andstillsurviving · 07/02/2023 13:22

This makes me so mad. It's the laziest form of reporting. It's not "news" it's your life. You reach out for support and some arsehole copies and pastes it and calls it journalism. What a cunt. They can quote me on that

Show quote history

It is lazy journalism, I do think some people forget its an open forum though and generally its not wise to post anything you wouldn't be happy for anyone to read. I do feel a bit sad when people have to gain support from strangers on the internet in situations like this.

diddl · 07/02/2023 13:44

What a bloody awful situation Op.

So it seems that the sister wanted it all to be found out as she actually told your friend that she was seeing your husband!

I must admit that him seeing the kids probably wouldn't be a priority for me just now, especially the baby but then again the older one probably wants time with him.

And why shouldn't he get used to looking after the kids asap?

You'll come out the other side Op-although it probably doesn't seem like it yet.

rockingbird · 07/02/2023 14:06

Hope your Ok, it's an awful lot to take in!! Oh and be careful of the MiL mine somehow managed to erase my stbxh double life from her brain despite me spending months and months confiding in her and her telling me not to make the same mistake she made with her own marriage to his father who did the very same over and over (30 years wasted - her words) .. he's still the golden child and I haven't spoken to her since the day I walked away with my children last August. Break that cycle, don't bring up boys thinking that's OK, it's absolutely not OK!

airfryerandelectricblanket · 07/02/2023 14:08

@Bunniesue

"It is lazy journalism, I do think some people forget its an open forum though and generally its not wise to post anything you wouldn't be happy for anyone to read. I do feel a bit sad when people have to gain support from strangers on the internet in situations like this".

Then what's the point of many of the topics on MN? The reason for them is so that you can get support (or not in your case)!

ohyesiknowwhatyoumean · 07/02/2023 14:17

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 09:57

I have spoken with my mother in law and she is absolutely disgusted

Be careful, OP; she might be "disgusted" right now but this is also her son, and I'll be amazed if there's any meaningful, long term support for you from that quarter

Of course it's useful having her support with the DCs, but never forget the old saying that blood is thicker than water - especially important if you're going to pass messages through her

But she might remain a loyal and good friend to the OP - while navigating her relationship with her son. Mine did. She was amazing, fantastic support for the DC who were devastated (early teens).

Yes, the wedding photos with me in them were eventually replaced by the wedding photos of Son with the new wife (OW), but we are almost 12 years down the line now and her support for me has morphed into me and my dc supporting her as she ages. We both find it ironic how we began to get on better once my relationship with her was not "through" my exH. There were rocky times - and events that I wasn't invited to because "they" were - but I never criticised him to her, ever. I did a lot of biting my tongue - but I had plenty of other friends that I could vent to. The key thing for me was enabling the DC to retain a close relationship with her as she was a fabulous grandma, and my parents were both dead.

Blood is only thicker than water if you force someone to choose sides. There is really no need to do that to her. So if you want to continue a relationship with her OP it might still be possible - but it is very early days, you are in pain, just don't burn any bridges with potential sources of support for you and the DC at this point.

WafflesOrIceCream · 07/02/2023 14:50

Here for you OP!
Hang on in there and make the swine suffer!!

Starlitestarbright · 07/02/2023 15:19

So sorry you will yet through this.

cassiatwenty · 07/02/2023 16:35

I'm so sorry OP you will get through this, sending you strength 💞

Peachy2005 · 07/02/2023 16:47

It’s horrendous that a newspaper would lift this out of here and absolute gutter press of them identifying the area OP is located in. Could they still do that if everyone posting put a stock piece of text in each post saying they do not give permission etc for stuff to be reprinted/reposted elsewhere? Or is everything fair game once posted?

MadeOfSteel · 07/02/2023 17:01

I think the reporter might be charlsmith_ on Twitter, in case you want to see about getting the 'piece' removed, OP.

Sending strength to help you get through. This initial period will be hard but, with time, you'll start to feel better.

amonsteronthehill · 07/02/2023 17:04

Rags need to find proper news to print, not personal stories off here where people are looking for help and support in their lives like this.

I'm sorry it's turned out like this OP. Sounds like he went to great lengths to get his penis serviced elsewhere; disgusting man to treat you and your family like this.

Bluetrews25 · 07/02/2023 17:11

Perhaps all the mumsnetters on twitter can start to pester this 'journalist' and create a stink? Not just OP, as that will be hugely identifying.

#IAmClaudius

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 17:30

Do you mean Spartacus?

And no, don't do that, it's a terrible idea and won't solve anything. Mumsnet is a public site; this may be a lazy way to get content but it's essentially just a share from one public site to another. Mumsnet probably has more viewers than the Nottingham Post.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 17:32

Thank you, @emarys81, and as you correctly say it may well come down to gut instinct as to how much of the story OP's got
It's just that - if she tries to make this work - the intervening period of wondering can be very damaging, as I know to my cost after initially trying to believe it really was "just" this or that

And yes, I agree the MIL might stay loyal, @ohyesiknowwhatyoumean; after all anything's possible, but I still believe it's worth bearing the alternatives in mind, especially if it involves things OP would prefer her "D"H not to know

MelloYellow · 07/02/2023 17:50

Hi op!
I'm in Gloucester (churchdown) I just caught up with your last thread
i thought last time it was a misunderstanding I’m so sorry to read what transpired
how are you doing?
absolutely disgusting behaviour from DH and friends sister.

THEDEACON · 07/02/2023 18:40

You have a good friend there her loyalties were split but she only took 3 days to do the right thing by you . Your husband is a lowlife lying cheating excuse for a man How dare he blame you ! ( Exclamation mark used deliberately and correctly ) Get legal advice and don't entertain his attempts to contact you until you are ready to tell him how things are going to be

Sunnymummy8 · 07/02/2023 18:42

Thinking of you.. you can do this! Do it for you and those lovely kids of yours!