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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 07/02/2023 11:08

I can't believe what I'm reading! You poor thing; I am so sorry you are going through this.

I read your first thread and saw your update that said 'all ok' so I thought 'thank god for that!' and thought it was done and dusted but lo, this morning I see this additional 2nd thread so had to go back to the first thread and read all your subsequent updates. It's horrifying that you have just had your DC, had major stitching post delivery and he decided to fuck around with an ex?!

I really hope other PP have given you advice on your way through this and that you kick him out for good. Absolute scum. Un-mumsnet-ty hugs to you.

PollyAmour · 07/02/2023 11:11

heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 03:36

Managed to get some sleep. Was hoping I would wake him and it have been a bad dream. Mind is spinning

I thought you'd kicked him out? You really should, show him you mean business. Let him go and stay with his girlfriend - I bet she won't be too pleased at suddenly having a live in lover instead of an illicit bit on the side.

MrsAnon6 · 07/02/2023 11:18

Maybe I’m naive but I really can’t believe or understand partners who do things like this, especially when there’s children involved. It’s just immature, cruel and selfish. You’re well rid of him and definitely don’t take him back. How vile!

Autumndays123 · 07/02/2023 11:19

heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 09:31

Thank you. That's good to know. Right now I can't even imagine looking at him despite missing him. Does that make sense? My head is a mess

Show quote history

OP, I wouldn't let comments like the above sway you. Although there will generally be minimal exceptions, the very fact is once a cheat always a cheat. They don't stop cheating, they get better at hiding it.

bonzaitree · 07/02/2023 11:24

He is a cunt. That is all.

emarys81 · 07/02/2023 11:26

Accidentally posted this on your first thread rather than here, sorry! I commented on your first thread but I was just reading one of your subsequent messages and wanted to add another bit of advice. You need to make it clear to him (and yourself) that if he holds any hope of staying with you then drip-feeding you bits of the truth is the quickest way to damage any chance of that. He needs to own up to everything, up front, or forget about being with you. Not in huge details but at least the full extent of the relationship. You will probably never fully trust him again but if he does his best to show you he is genuinely trying to right himself, that is what you can try to trust. That's if you do still want to be with him yourself. It is possible to go on and have a very happy relationship after cheating, but only if the person responsible genuinely wants to and does change their general behaviour and works to understand why they did it so they can avoid doing it again. If he's not willing to do that, don't waste your time and energy.

I'm so, so sorry once again, especially with your children being so young. I was glad to read you are being careful not to use them against him — that is very much the right thing and I hope he recognises in that what actual maturity looks like. What he has done is totally unfair, selfish and immature of him. One more thing: I understand why you would not want to broadcast this to your wider social circle, especially if you hope to stay together. But don't protect him from the disapproval and anger of your closer friends and family, including his friends. He has not just hurt you, he has hurt your network of people and he should be held to account by them too. Don't let him get away with hiding behind your hesitation to tell others. You deserve their support, he deserves their disapproval!

PS If it is bugging you not knowing where he's gone, can you see on your phone or has he stopped sharing location? If the latter, I'd remind him that if he hopes to get back together then he needs to start sharing his location with you at all times as part of proving he's going to set things right. That means from now, not from when you let him move back in (if you do), otherwise how are you to know he wasn't with her in between?

validusername2 · 07/02/2023 11:34

Great practical advice from @emarys81

You need to make it clear to him (and yourself) that if he holds any hope of staying with you then drip-feeding you bits of the truth is the quickest way to damage any chance of that. He needs to own up to everything, up front, or forget about being with you. Not in huge details but at least the full extent of the relationship. You will probably never fully trust him again but if he does his best to show you he is genuinely trying to right himself, that is what you can try to trust.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 11:47

AngelDelightUK · 07/02/2023 09:51

She went to your Baby Shower?! Has she got no shame at all?!

How old are your children by the way OP?

I know! It disgusts me! One is 5 years nearly 6 and baby is 7 months, my wonderful boys. They will pull me through this

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 11:49

Thank you for the words of caution on mother in law, we are so close having known her since I was 20, but yes I will remain cautious thank you as at the end of the day it's her son, I'm trying to put myself in her shoes it it was one of my boys (but let's hope they never follow in their fathers footsteps like that)

OP posts:
Batcountry8 · 07/02/2023 11:54

Yes be mindful of what you say to mil.
Right now she's shocked and angry as are you but there are many differing days and circumstances ahead.
People always say keep your powder dry towards the dp but I think it applies to others in your family.

Hugs x

AelinAshriver · 07/02/2023 11:57

Oh OP. I too have had similar happen. I could have got past it (I think) had he come clean and told me everything. And I mean everything, who was Involved, how much money he spend on her and the affair (hotels, dinners, gifts) who knew. etc.

His whole friend group knew and vouched for him, pretended they were with him when he was actually at sleezy hotels with the OW. Buying her luxury dinners and even hiring a sports car for the day. When back home we were in crippling debt and I was asking my parents to buy our baby's formula that week.

When I found out, he made me feel like I was crazy and it was all my fault. I had had a baby 5 months prior and also tore. Wasn't actually OKed by GP to have sex yet as I had infections. Turned out he started the affair before I was even pregnant and we had a great sex life.

If he had been honest and open when I found out, I would have at least worked on the relationship. But the way he handled it was the reason we broke up.

emarys81 · 07/02/2023 12:00

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 10:43

I did write a long post about this in your last thread, but I don't think I actually posted it... oops

An abridged version, in case I didn't post it;

I don't believe infidelity has to end a marriage. I've seen couples come back from it stronger than ever. But in this case, there's too many elements that make me think that would be foolish in your case. The fact he basically blamed your birth injury, the fact his mind was even on shagging around whilst his postpartum wife was struggling with a birth injury, the fact he continued to lie even after he was found out, the extra level of pure disrespect of choosing someone you actually knew and went to your baby shower to shag around with, the fact that he got his friend in on the lie... no I'm sorry, it's all too much for me, and I just don't think it bodes well for reconciliation, and I don't think it speaks well of him as a person.

Your MIL sounds fab, but I agree with PP that eventually if it turns nasty, she will probably side with her son. She might be totally disgusted and disappointed in him, but he's still her son and I don't think she could be blamed for ultimately having her child's back. So whilst she sounds great, I do think caution may be needed with certain things going forward.

Hmm yes as much as I'm offering advice for how to move forward to reconciliation if that's what you want, @BubziOwl does have a point about his utter disregard for you and what you are going through, and the relationships he was compromising in doing this. It does not speak well of him at all. Still, it is what he does now that should help you decide which way to go. If he is doing everything he possibly can to try to show you he knows he has messed up and will not just change his behaviour but examine and try to understand where it came form and how not to do it again, that is promising. Anything less than that, especially you having to suggest ways he can do that, is not promising. Either way I agree with other posters that the most important thing for you is to feel you are in a strong position with plenty of support. A major aspect of that is seeking advice on your options and entitlements, legally speaking. Doesn't mean you have to file for divorce right away, just know what your rights are. You will feel more clear headed the more you reinforce your position and that will help you handle things the best you can, whichever way things go. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly already in this changed reality. All best.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 12:05

You need to make it clear to him (and yourself) that if he holds any hope of staying with you then drip-feeding you bits of the truth is the quickest way to damage any chance of that

I agree with the principle here, but the issue is that OP may never know if he's giving the whole story or not. It's the age old thing with some of these men, where they think "If I tell her the lot she'll leave, and if she leaves there's no point in having told her stuff she could damage me with"

With mine it was prostitutes, where he'd "Only had a hand job", then "Only a blow job", followed by " Yes it was full sex, but I honestly went just once and hated it" ... only for it to turn out he'd been using them since the age of 17 and all through our 30 plus year marriage

Certainly a decent man would come clean with everything, but then a decent man probably wouldn't have done this in the first place, so in OP's position I wouldn't be setting to much store in his honesty right now

CrazyLadie · 07/02/2023 12:11

nc1013 · 07/02/2023 10:04

Exactly what happened with my ExMIL.

First week after discovery she wanted nothing to do with him. Turned him away from her door when I chucked him out.

2 weeks later - I know he's been a dick but he's still my son and I need to be there for him. Hope you understand and please know I'll always be here for you

1 year post-affair discovery - her son (my exH) told her he wasn't comfortable with us continuing to have a relationship and that he'd facilitate time for her to see her grandaughter. He'd asked her not call/text/meet me as it was awkward for him and new partner (also OW). She felt she had to honour his wishes as it is her son and always will be

Show quote history

Thankfully not every family is like this, my Bro wasn't unfaithful as far as I know but gambling and lying killed their marriage. Both my Mum and myself put the kids first and have always kept in touch with his ex wife, and when my Bro has asked my Mum to intervene she told him to bolt and tale responsibility for his own mess

emarys81 · 07/02/2023 12:16

@Puzzledandpissedoff I'm sorry this happened to you, and what you say is true too. Sadly I don't think there's any rule of thumb, OP will just have to follow her instincts. If he hasn't told her everything she may sense that and refuse to accept it; or he may tell her everything that is important to know and at a certain point she'll feel satisfied with that and be able to move on. Even then of course she can never know for sure but if they stay together then it has to come down to his general behaviour. I can't believe that someone who would do this was otherwise a model husband and father; there have to have been ways in which he was not treating her well enough even before this and that's what he needs to change to prove he is serious about being with her. But ultimately it's up to her whether even that is good enough.

Fladdermus · 07/02/2023 12:24

So sorry you're going through this op. I cannot get my head around men who do this. Who throw away their families and their futures, and for what?

Outnumbered99 · 07/02/2023 12:40

I live near to you OP, and you are right everyone does know everyone, but i don't think you have anything to worry about on this score, because EVERYONE in their right mind will want to support you and be helpful in any way they can, he had treated you appallingly.

Wishing you peace and strength however you decide to move forward from here, sounds like you have good people around you. I feel for your friend too, what a position they put her in. I'm glad she came through for you.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:54

PollyAmour · 07/02/2023 11:11

I thought you'd kicked him out? You really should, show him you mean business. Let him go and stay with his girlfriend - I bet she won't be too pleased at suddenly having a live in lover instead of an illicit bit on the side.

Show quote history

I think that is a typo and she meant she was hoping she would wake UP and think it was all a dream.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:55

Bloody hell it is in the Nottingham Post.

www.nottinghampost.com/news/real-life/could-having-affair-woman-supported-8116324

ThinkingOfAWittyUsername · 07/02/2023 12:55

Oh, I'm so sorry to read about this! I had been following your other thread and like so many others, had been hoping that it had all been a misunderstanding.
Accept this hug (do we do that here?) from a stranger x

ReneBumsWombats · 07/02/2023 12:57

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:55

Things must be boring in the East Midlands...

Maroon85 · 07/02/2023 12:59

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 12:55

What a shit reporter and horrible person to make a news story out of this?

So sorry OP. He is an absolute cunt.

kateandme · 07/02/2023 13:05

Yes with mothers and their sons them loyalty will show truly after the split is done.
Remember also he conned you.i don't doubt he will his mum. And he's her son. You can get through this for your boys, imagine what she will for hers too.

I just can't believe it.it gets worse.5 months.5 months and the shit stain blamed it on no sex. Ffks that is disgusting. The affair the lies.the premeditated happening ofnit all is vile.i no all affairs are disgusting. Bit this.man abhorrent at every level of this.
I'm sonsorry op
Remember you don't miss him.whst you had was a lie! Bit your allowed to miss the story he told and you believed. Your allowed to kiss the safety you thought you had.your allowed to miss thinking you were loved.had a family. Were a unit.
But remember that's not what you had.
He did that.he did that.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 07/02/2023 13:06

They are !

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 07/02/2023 13:11

kateandme · 07/02/2023 13:05

Yes with mothers and their sons them loyalty will show truly after the split is done.
Remember also he conned you.i don't doubt he will his mum. And he's her son. You can get through this for your boys, imagine what she will for hers too.

I just can't believe it.it gets worse.5 months.5 months and the shit stain blamed it on no sex. Ffks that is disgusting. The affair the lies.the premeditated happening ofnit all is vile.i no all affairs are disgusting. Bit this.man abhorrent at every level of this.
I'm sonsorry op
Remember you don't miss him.whst you had was a lie! Bit your allowed to miss the story he told and you believed. Your allowed to kiss the safety you thought you had.your allowed to miss thinking you were loved.had a family. Were a unit.
But remember that's not what you had.
He did that.he did that.

A friend of mine chucked out her husband after years of being bullied by him, and he went like a flash. His mother gaslit her for months that he was living with her, when he in fact had another woman on the back burner (lots of gas allusions here).

His mother is now in a home, and has sold her property to pay for her care. He doesn't visit at all despite living in walking distance. He's no reason to. There's no money left.