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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Amybelle88 · 07/02/2023 09:08

LilLilLi · 07/02/2023 09:07

Just a heads up this has been picked up by the media, saw it on Facebook.

VILE!!!!!

The laziest most disgusting intrusive journalism.

And I'm a journalist!!!!

OP the journalist is Charlotte Smith if you want to contact re: removing the 'story'.

Topi226 · 07/02/2023 09:12

Also his friends all covering it up!. I'd be commenting on that post as I'm sure it could be a cover up for all of them.

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 07/02/2023 09:15

Yes that's a horrible aspect of it-his mates covering for him. Fuckers. Get some back bone.
And to the journalist that has lifted this-what is the matter with you?

Passthechocolatesplease · 07/02/2023 09:16

I feel so sad for you OP, I know exactly how you’re feeling as the same thing happened to me.
I know it goes against the grain of everyone on here but I didn’t split from my husband, we stayed together and that was over thirty years ago. We are now retired and have had a very happy life together.
I don’t want to confuse you but I thought it might help to know it might not be the end.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 09:31

Can't believe the media have lifted this! What is wrong with them! Thankfully not in my area! Thank you so much for the heads up. I have spoken with my mother in law and she is absolutely disgusted, so disgusted in fact she's refused to House him, so god knows where he's slunk off to. She's collecting the children later after my son is home from school so he can see them for a few hours, I won't stop that, I won't use my children as weapons. I still have him blocked and have told my MIL that all contact about the children will go through her for the mean time. I'm devastated and the one person I would usually really want a hug from is the one that did this to me! And to those asking about my friends sister, yes I do know her, she even came to my baby shower! Disgraceful! I have no idea of the logistics of the friend who posted my husband playing golf in insta but I have a right mind to message his wife and fill her in!

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken26 · 07/02/2023 09:31

Passthechocolatesplease · 07/02/2023 09:16

I feel so sad for you OP, I know exactly how you’re feeling as the same thing happened to me.
I know it goes against the grain of everyone on here but I didn’t split from my husband, we stayed together and that was over thirty years ago. We are now retired and have had a very happy life together.
I don’t want to confuse you but I thought it might help to know it might not be the end.

Thank you. That's good to know. Right now I can't even imagine looking at him despite missing him. Does that make sense? My head is a mess

OP posts:
Ohhmydays · 07/02/2023 09:42

Sending big hugs op. I read your other thread to. What kind of man uses not getting enough sex as an excuse. You have birthed him 2 beautiful baby’s and flung it back in your face. I am so sorry your are going through this. Keep you head you will get through this x

Beaverbridge · 07/02/2023 09:43

Good MIL on side. It's another pair of hands to help with children. Take all offers of help from the reliable folk around you. Who cares where he is, piece of shit. Your head will be mince, I remember it well. Anger will come, that's when my ex changed. He couldn't believe the mousy wee wife could change, but I did. Big hug. X.

Ohhmydays · 07/02/2023 09:43

Your head up that was meant to say x

AngelDelightUK · 07/02/2023 09:51

She went to your Baby Shower?! Has she got no shame at all?!

How old are your children by the way OP?

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 07/02/2023 09:53

Shows what he thinks of you doesn’t it? Vagina out of action = ok to break wedding vows 🙄

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 09:57

I have spoken with my mother in law and she is absolutely disgusted

Be careful, OP; she might be "disgusted" right now but this is also her son, and I'll be amazed if there's any meaningful, long term support for you from that quarter

Of course it's useful having her support with the DCs, but never forget the old saying that blood is thicker than water - especially important if you're going to pass messages through her

nc1013 · 07/02/2023 10:04

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 09:57

I have spoken with my mother in law and she is absolutely disgusted

Be careful, OP; she might be "disgusted" right now but this is also her son, and I'll be amazed if there's any meaningful, long term support for you from that quarter

Of course it's useful having her support with the DCs, but never forget the old saying that blood is thicker than water - especially important if you're going to pass messages through her

Exactly what happened with my ExMIL.

First week after discovery she wanted nothing to do with him. Turned him away from her door when I chucked him out.

2 weeks later - I know he's been a dick but he's still my son and I need to be there for him. Hope you understand and please know I'll always be here for you

1 year post-affair discovery - her son (my exH) told her he wasn't comfortable with us continuing to have a relationship and that he'd facilitate time for her to see her grandaughter. He'd asked her not call/text/meet me as it was awkward for him and new partner (also OW). She felt she had to honour his wishes as it is her son and always will be

Blueglazzier · 07/02/2023 10:06

As an older lady with much life experience behind me I have read most of the replies and am thinking we women are wonderful when one of our own has been dreadfully hurt by a man , the amazing support and like one massive hug we band together an army of love willing to take on her pain , willing to walk with her and support her . You are all amazing .

Of course now we wait and watch his future for the other woman will eventually leave him, its a flash in the pan , he has cooked his goose as the old fashioned saying goes . He ain't seen nothing yet , his pain will come. Lovely lady original poster , watch this space , you will triumph , regain your power in time , when you heal and become strong and not crippled by pain and loss . Your army of beautiful women support you . I am proud to be a woman who loves also .❤️

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/02/2023 10:21

Sorry it happened to you too, nc1013, but it's pretty predictable that the "disgust" quickly turns into "Yes, but ..."

I just thought it's something OP might want to bear in mind, especially if she's going to put MIL in a position of power by using her tto pass messages about the children

CaveMum · 07/02/2023 10:23

Another one who lurked on your previous thread and has moved across to cheerlead for you. You're doing so well OP, keep leaning on your mum and while yes it's great that your MIL is on side for now you have to assume that at some stage she will soften towards her son.

If you can face it, a few solicitors appointments over the next week or so will help you get your head straight in terms of what you are entitled to and what the next steps would be if you want to get the ball rolling on a formal separation.

Look after yourself, try to eat and drink and get a bit of rest.

SlightlyJaded · 07/02/2023 10:24

Just to echo the previous poster who urged a little caution with MIL.... I am sure she is disgusted and well done here for not accommodating him, but at the end of the day, he is her son and she will ultimately side with him. So if he follows the usual script and turns nasty, she will not be prioritising you. Her main agenda will be to retain contact with grandchildren.

I am not saying this to have a dig at her. She sounds lovely, but when all is said and done, her heart will pick her son. So just keep that in mind when you share info with her.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You have had a terrible shock, you are in pain and disbelief and the one person you'd usually turn to in a crisis IS the crisis. It's shit. But this is rock bottom - hold that thought and let your mum and friend look after you (friend sounds like a good one by the way - but similar caution re: sister love).

Iceysuperslide · 07/02/2023 10:27

I’m currently supporting my lovely friend whose DH has done the dirty on her after 30 years together.

Do all the practical stuff about finances especially if you think he may try and hide stuff. What sort of job does he have? is it PAYE or self employed. Be careful of him moving assets about and siphoning anything off.

billy1966 · 07/02/2023 10:37

OP,

You poor pet.
So glad your mother is there to support you and your MIL is a good woman too.

There is a particular type of scum that is unfaithful whilst his wife is healing from a tough birth.

A very specific type of scum.

Don't waste your time trying to fix this, he really isn't worth it.

Funny about the golf.

Some long years ago my friend at work was very upset to learn her husband had given cover for his colleague who was having some fling and it was also via golf.

She wasn't married long and adored her husband but was genuinely devastated that he was prepared to be involved in such shabby behaviour.

It was a really huge deal for her and she said it changed how she saw him and really affected her respect for him.

He swore he didn't give it much thought when he said yes, but she thought it made a lie of their wedding vows and they weren't married a year.

It really caused huge drama.
He went back to his colleague and rescinded the "cover" and they slowly healed.

He was on very thin ice.

I would be seriously unimpressed if my husband did it.

When we were dating we would go out with a rugby friend of his and his lovely wife.
The boys went on a rugby tour and he was unfaithful to his wife several times in front of the team.
My boyfriend at the time came back and told me how uncomfortable it made him feel as he really liked his wife,

He let the friendship drift and we didn't socialise as couples again.

Same git was seen giving his card on a plane to an air hostess 🙄, vain twat.

30 years on they are still married.
I reckon she knew well what he was like.

BubziOwl · 07/02/2023 10:43

I did write a long post about this in your last thread, but I don't think I actually posted it... oops

An abridged version, in case I didn't post it;

I don't believe infidelity has to end a marriage. I've seen couples come back from it stronger than ever. But in this case, there's too many elements that make me think that would be foolish in your case. The fact he basically blamed your birth injury, the fact his mind was even on shagging around whilst his postpartum wife was struggling with a birth injury, the fact he continued to lie even after he was found out, the extra level of pure disrespect of choosing someone you actually knew and went to your baby shower to shag around with, the fact that he got his friend in on the lie... no I'm sorry, it's all too much for me, and I just don't think it bodes well for reconciliation, and I don't think it speaks well of him as a person.

Your MIL sounds fab, but I agree with PP that eventually if it turns nasty, she will probably side with her son. She might be totally disgusted and disappointed in him, but he's still her son and I don't think she could be blamed for ultimately having her child's back. So whilst she sounds great, I do think caution may be needed with certain things going forward.

VereeViolet · 07/02/2023 10:46

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. What selfish, calculated, ugly behavior on the part of your husband. I would certainly be raging at the injustice and duplicity of it all. I imagine wanting to hurt him, leave him, throw him away, ignore him forever, etc. It’s a normal reaction to being badly wronged.

However, I agree with the PP who suggested that all might not be lost. It’s a terrible blow to a marriage, but I think it’s wise to take time to process and think clearly before you act. It’s possible that it really was just about sex - maybe even instigated by OW. That doesn’t excuse his actions in any way, but might be a starting point for determining whether it’s possible to salvage the marriage. He would obviously have to work very hard for your forgiveness.

Intrepidescape · 07/02/2023 10:53

Have you entertained the possibility that your friend who told you of the affair only told you so that your husband would then be free from his marriage so he could actually date her sister?

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 07/02/2023 10:58

Hi. So sorry you are going through this. Reading your posts brought back the feelings from 2 years ago when it all happened to me. Sending you lots of hugs and strength. If you want my 2 pence worth ... Stay strong and don't take him back or believe his lies. I did both and 2, nearly 3 years down the line, I'm only just getting the strength to leave him and have been through hell, and an almost mental breakdown. If you can, get some counselling or start applying for some through the NHS as it has helped me enormously.

Questionneedanswer · 07/02/2023 10:59

Agree be careful about the MIL

Blood is thicker than water

Mine said she would support me but has gone on to betray me as ex moves on with his life

Our family wizard is a parenting app that is great for communication instead of MIL

Theoneandonlyjrae · 07/02/2023 11:02

Wow I can't believe this! I read this thread on Saturday thinking it's a mistaken identity! I'm so sorry, what a complete bastard! Glad you have your mum for support. Glad your friend told you in the end, it must have been very hard for her.

Something like this happened to me after the birth of my second child. I felt like it really had an impact on my bonding time with my baby before going back to work. It should have been the best time with my newborn but my maternity leave was ruined in a way, and it all seems like a blur now.

It's easier said than done, but try not to let it consume you, if that makes sense.

Big hugs!!