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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 15/02/2023 12:01

Well done you are an amazing lady, stay strong - you obviously take after your wonderful mum. Hope you managed that lie in. Just take things a day at a time. Sending hugs to one amazing person 🤗

Angiemum24 · 15/02/2023 13:08

What a disgusting man sending you a happy valentines message. His slut is just as bad turning up and giving you her news.
Remember once a cheat always a cheat!

kateandme · 15/02/2023 14:54

heartbroken26 · 14/02/2023 19:25

Evening all, I have booked an appointment at gloucester hope house for a full sti screening as advised. I've had a lovely afternoon with my boys. We had a nice tea and snuggles with chocolate! I'm just rocking the baby to sleep now and then putting my older son to bed. Then I think I'm going to have a nice soak in the bath with a glass of wine. My mum is staying tonight with me so we're going to watch a movie together to keep my mind off things and she's offered to do the school run so I can have a lie in. She's been so amazing at helping me through this. I'm really looking forward to the weekend away too. Feeling stronger today! Despite it being Valentine's Day. The git had the cheek to message happy Valentine's Day! Hah! I didn't even give him the satisfaction of a reply even to tell him where to go! I think he's absolutely deluded if he thinks I'm taking him back! I have no idea if he knows about 'the baby' yet. I'm meeting my friend for coffee tomorrow so I'll see if she knows any more. I know I keep saying it but having you all behind me is like having 100 friends hugs! Thank you all

The fact that he even did this is another tick box and more of what you need to no about this wanker tbh. Totally inappropriate and over stepping the lines in current circumstances.
Your doing great op.
Do you no what comes next regarding getting separated?
Do yhe boys no now?

WoofWoofBeachLife · 15/02/2023 15:02

You're doing amazing HB, I had a wee smile when your anger was shining through on one of your updates on the 7th. You will get through this, your beautiful boys and Mum and friend sound just wonderful. Re the sti, I was heartbroken having to do it and on the day was so numb, they were super kind and lovely with me. I lay and cried. I hope every shite the git and his piece do is a big jaggy hedgehog for evermore. Big cuddles from Scotland. 💖

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 15/02/2023 18:14

So glad your mum is looking after you. Stay strong x

Scottishskifun · 15/02/2023 18:32

Hope coffee with your friend went OK OP and you were able to relax a bit.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 15/02/2023 21:21

In this situation I'm not sure I would have been able to not reply to his happy valentines message with a curt "not really, no, fuck off" -- you're a far stronger get woman than me OP, and I'm in awe at your resilience and grace in the face of such a horrible and shocking situation. Sending huge hugs and much love your way x

MourningTea · 15/02/2023 21:42

Hope you're feeling ok and enjoyed your long soak in the bath.Wine

LightSpeeds · 15/02/2023 22:09

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Stay strong.

Fraaahnces · 15/02/2023 22:20

So very relieved to hear that you booked yourself in for an STI checkup. I wouldn’t be able to rest until I knew. All of this stress that this bastard has caused!!!

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/02/2023 23:03

I am gobsmacked that he had the cheek to text you happy valentines day 😲 what a prick!!!!

Have a wonderful weekend away OP, turn your phone off too, don't let him ruin it! You're doing so so well, you're teaching those boys of yours some great lessons here 💐

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 15/02/2023 23:26

Hope you enjoyed your bath and movie night. You are doing great and are so strong!

Have a lovely weekend away. I'm also outraged on your behalf that he had the cheek to text on Valentine's Day!

Fraaahnces · 16/02/2023 08:20

You always come across as so intelligent and articulate. Seems that he married outside his league on the emotional intelligence quotient, didn’t he? This man’s communication style is a walking face-palm. I wonder which drunk fart at the pub he’s taking advice from…..

JFDIYOLO · 16/02/2023 12:30

Hope your day goes well?

He's following the Script. Probably prompted by his mother understandably anxious about losing contact with grandchildren plus realising now he's been found out just how much he is going to lose.

Be prepared for nicey nicey to start with. The smarmy wheedling stage. The flowers and texts are already happening. Regrets, apologies, tears, 'can we try again, I'll change, promises, think of the children, the family, let's have another baby' bla bla bla.

Then as that doesn't work and he realises he has truly lost control over you (which is how he saw your relationship), the coercive emotional blackmail it's all your fault stage. 'How could you destroy our family, keep me from my children, you're nothing without me, who'd want you now' bla bla bla.

Then as that doesn't work, the threats stage - 'I'll harm myself if you don't ...'

Be hypervigilant that doesn't descend into 'Harm the children. Harm you.'

And the sabotage stage you may not even hear about. Contacting your family and friends behind your back. Selective sharing of communications between you. 'Look what I had to put up with. What choice did I have. She's crazy.' (My ex SIL's next boyfriend did that to all of us).

So do be very businesslike about all your communications with him, preferably email rather than text or phone/Facetime etc. Keep them all. It's going to be a challenge, but control your language and the tone of the comms, because having them to hand should support you and your decisions if you ever need them as evidence.

All the very best - there's an army at your side.

GrinAndVomit · 16/02/2023 18:56

You’re so brave and strong. Well done. What an inspiration x

853ax · 16/02/2023 21:03

Hope you doing ok 💐

heartbroken26 · 17/02/2023 21:35

Hi all! An update, I'm on my little weekend away now. The children are asleep and me and my mum have been in the hot tub drinking Prosecco! I feel so chilled, but part of me feels sad, this should be something I was doing with a loving husband and I absolutely don't have one of those! The last few days have been a whirlwind, the gits side piece turned up at his workplace kicking off! I mean, I find it quite comical! I hope it was very embarrassing for him! Turns out, surprise surprise, she isn't pregnant! It was a ploy to 'win him back' I suppose. I must say, I really am so relieved as that was an added complication for sure. I have booked an initial appointment with a solicitor which is next week to get some basic advice and guidance. I have my strong days and I have times where I just want to cry and I feel so overwhelmed. I'm trying to keep busy. The git is having the children next weekend so I have a girls night out planned! I haven't had one in around 18 months so am really looking forward to letting my hair down. This situation will not be the downfall of me! And I hope everyday he's tortured with what he has lost.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 17/02/2023 21:41

DELIGHTED for him that she turned up to make a show of him in work, its no less than he deserves.
Hope you have a lovely trip away with your mam and babies

Pipsquiggle · 17/02/2023 21:53

I really hope he felt mortified and ashamed about the OW turning up. He completely deserved that.

Enjoy your break and glad that you will be out with friends next week.

You are doing so well OP. It is OK to feel whatever you feel, just remember you have people IRL to support you and us here if you need a moan. Keep on, keeping on.

REignbow · 17/02/2023 21:56

Well it could not have happened to a nicer man….

Someone airing his dirty laundry to everyone he works with 😂

Keep your dignity @heartbroken26 although l appreciate that it is hard.

In my opinion (as hard as it is to read) they both deserve each other (the wanna be lothario and a drama llama)

Scottishskifun · 17/02/2023 21:58

I'm so glad to read 2 things
Firstly (and most importantly) you are feeling chilled sat in a hot tub with your amazing mum and your relaxing and enjoying some bubbles. You are one amazing strong lady who has been through the ringer and stood up with dignity, pride and determination from the beginning. Keep going mumma your doing brilliantly.

2: Bahahahaha that really will have not only embarrassed him but shown him for his true light to all his colleagues!!!

3 (I know I said 2) but also relief that her little stunt of pregnancy was just that!

SlightlyJaded · 17/02/2023 22:12

Oh this has 'Just Deserts' written all over it.

Honestly, you will have down days of course, but you are already on top which is an incredible place to be considering what you are going through. For a few fucks, he has lost an incredible woman, a loving family, the simple joy of waking up in the same house as his DW and DC every day, his dignity and the respect of his work colleagues.

And he now has a vengeful OW on his case to boot.

I KNOW you are hurting, but take come comfort and joy from this if you can OP. You are going to come up the other side, he is going to be miserable.

WeepingSomnambulist · 17/02/2023 22:17

She turned up at his work? She isnt going quietly, is she? He deserves it.

Can you still name people in a divorce? So her name will forever be in the public record as a cheater. Not sure if naming the mistress is still a done thing.

chali7 · 17/02/2023 22:17

Keep strong OP. You sound so level headed and lovely. Her turning up at his work and airing his dirty laundry is the least that he deserves at this time 🤣 enjoy your weekend! 🤗

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 17/02/2023 22:18

If you listen very carefully you will no doubt be able to hear the sound of the very large penny dropping for him OP.
What a calamitous mistake he has made here. Chucking in a beautiful family and wife for an utter nutter.

You are doing amazingly op. There will be good days and bad-but you are doing great.

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