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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 11/02/2023 15:52

What a terrible situation. Thinking of you xx

mumof2andstillsurviving · 11/02/2023 15:55

How dare she come round there and make her mess your problem. I'm so sorry

pigwood · 11/02/2023 16:05

Wow the side piece has some brass neck doesn't she OP! I can't believe having read both threads what you have been through so far and now her turning up like this is really extraordinary. Thinking of you 💐

billy1966 · 11/02/2023 16:11

OP,

Set his mother on him.

If she has an ounce of decency she will be appalled at this Jeremy Kyle scenario that her husband has inflicted on the family.

He is a disgrace.

He has disgraced his family.

His wife at home with a newborn and he has an affair and she is now pregnant.

What a drama.
Whether it's true or not, with a bit of luck his mother will go through him for behaving so badly.

Don't protect his family from his awful behaviour.

I would be beyond furious and mortified if I was his mother, as would most women I think.

Drop him in it.

Mind yourself.

Itgoesalittlesomethinglikethis · 11/02/2023 16:15

Flipping heck OP. You did well to stay calm. The cheek of OW. Remember she's the desperate one, not you. You're in full control. You're last few posts sounded like you were bossing it. You might feel like you're drowning but you are being strong. I like that he's referred to as "the git" he certainly is that. Have fun with your friend and keep looking after yourself x

Ivymom · 11/02/2023 16:38

I have a friend who lives in the US, who had a similar situation to yours. Her ex husband’s side piece showed up at her home looking for him because he had cut contact with her. My friend sent her away and contacted the police to start a paper trail and asked them to contact side piece to let her know to never contact my friend again. Side piece tried again to contact ex at my friend’s home and my friend was able to get a restraining order. The third time, side piece was in contempt of the restraining order and had to pay a fine and was told next time would be jail. That’s what it took to get her to leave my friend alone.

I don’t know if law enforcement where you live will do anything, but it might be worth looking into. She sounds vindictive and a bit unhinged. I would at least want it documented that she was told to never return to your home or contact you again so if she does, you can call the police and she will have consequences.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 11/02/2023 17:12

Wow, she sounds unhinged and desperate.

NicholJO · 11/02/2023 17:56

Hi op your not drowning your strong at the moment your feeling like this you will come to the surface stronger then you ever thought possible enjoy your movie and takeaway night with your friend honestly sweetheart your strong you have got this your a brilliant person and mummy xx

Peachez · 11/02/2023 18:30

Wow OP, you're really going through it and I'm so sorry. The OW is trying everything in the book. Thing is, even if she is pregnant, how do you know it's Git Face's? You don't and neither will he. Best ignore the drama queen unless she becomes problematic. You're doing a fabulous job. Stay awesome. xx

DancingFerret · 11/02/2023 18:50

Talk about brazen... I hope she's just being malicious because of the long term implications for the OP's financial security; if the OW is pregnant the cheating git will have to support her child as well as the two children he already has. From a legal standpoint children always come first no matter how they were conceived.

MaydinEssex · 11/02/2023 19:04

Can't believe the cheek of her! Bit convenient that she claims to be pregnant now, as the others have said, it's more than likely a ruse just to get "the git" to get in contact with her. As someone above suggested, I agree that you should tell your mil, let her relay the 'news' to him. Don't get involved, you have enough on your plate already. How are you in yourself?

cpphelp · 11/02/2023 19:06

Did she think you'd have some kind of 'girl code' towards her? Is she well!?

Don't believe it, I bet it's bullshit about the pregnancy. At least you can believe him he's not talking to her anymore for the nutcase to turn up on your doorstep for help!

MILLYmo0se · 11/02/2023 19:08

Oh to clarify my earlier post, I didnt mean you sgould be contacting or anyone else to pass on thats shes been round, goidness no, dont be getting involved in their dramarama anymore that what they ve already dragged you into. I just meant when eventually you have to talk to him Id probably lower myself to causing trouble between them but you are waaay classier than me!

hourbyhour101 · 11/02/2023 19:32

@heartbroken26 oh op. This is just horrible. It sounds like your friend knows her sister and since she's said she's not sure she believes her I would tend to believe your friend over this women (who clearly has the morals of a alley cat)

I don't know if sharing my story would help, but I found out my (now exh) had a affair after our boy was born still. My fault apparently for not being up for it... I was"mopey" 🙄. My friend told me, I had no idea. It was hideous - really hideous but fast forward many years he has married the Ow and to be fair to her she's a excellent sm to my Dd (words I truly thought I would never say) limited interaction. For a long long while I was angry but I realised that actually mostly I was angry at him because he broke our marriage vows and couldn't even take responsibility for what he did. He blamed me. Coward.

Obviously these women don't owe us anything but I have to say I think I was more angry at her because I still loved him(at the time) now tbh I'm passionately disinterested in him bar our child, and I had what I can now say a lucky escape and I'm happily married to DH and had another baby.
Your situation is a bit different as OW sounds deranged (who lies about a pregnancy?!?) but sounds like he deserves what he gets with her. What goes around comes around.

Re finances are you Mortage or rent ? Do you know what he earns (keep copies or make copies of pay slips) entitled to should help. On your own I believe you should get some support.

I just want to give you a cuddle. I know it feels like your drowning right now, but you will get stronger, you will learn to swim and hopefully your ex will be bitten by a shark (tongue in cheek kinda)

This wasn't about you or even the ow. This man is broken. That's why he did this. Whatever you decide I hope you find peace 💐💐💐

How you coping ?

HelloBambinos · 11/02/2023 20:05

I've read through both threads from the beginning op and just wanted to tell you how strong, brave and amazing you are. To have the class and self respect to deal with this awful situation how you have been is truly remarkable. Sending a hand hold for whatever you decide to do but as other others have stated regarding the ow turning up I wouldn't be convinced she's pregnant at all.

Even if by some chance she was it's not your problem but it very much seems like a tactful move. She's desperate and feeling brushed off. She clearly likes to control and 'win' and seems to have stupidly seen their cheap hook ups as something more so needs to convince herself she's actually worth something to him..she refuses to believe how he could possibly ignore her, she probably expected everything to go her way, that he would run straight into her arms, she can't bear the thought of realising she is actually nobody important. Just an easy and cheap hookup. She wants you to contact him and to ensure you never get back together so most likely made it up. She wanted you to feel like she's won and to get you to message him or his family so he would contact her then she would hopefully be able to convince him to carry on with her (likely drumming in how it's over between you two so they can be together now) and perhaps she could then actually try to get pregnant to trap him. She is pathetic and turning up at your door really was a last ditch attempt of making sure you don't get her 'happy ever after' she really was expecting him to just move in with her and be all loved up so she could feel superior. It's laughable what scumbags like this are like... unlucky for her she thought she was something special and hooked up with a complete selfish waste of space too. She really thinks that if he can screw over his wife and beautiful children that he would somehow act honourable with her!? Laughable really. How pathetic.

You are so strong op and we are all here for you. Keep friends close for support and don't be tempted to even let your ex know at any point she turned up because that's what she wants. It's up to you of course but I feel that was the whole point of her turning up.

Mix56 · 11/02/2023 20:14

Your stbx husband will have been telling OW that you are living in separate bedrooms, he's only staying because you begged him due to new baby, etc etc
She may be pregnant, or not, but that still isn't your problem
Not your circus, not your monkeys

SadSunshine · 11/02/2023 21:05

Brazen bloody bitch!!! How dare she?!!
Am furious on your behalf OP! Sending you virtual hugs.

Shunkleisshiny · 11/02/2023 21:49

I know you have so much going on right now, but I agree with other pps please get a Ring or Blink doorbell then there is no chance of being blindsided by either of these two again.
I deeply admire your self control in your doorstep confrontations.
Tomorrow when you have the meeting with the git, make sure you are feeling and looking your best. NOT for him but for yourself. Wear something red, the colour of power💪

Good luck, stay strong.

Amandasummers · 11/02/2023 22:16

The absolute audacity of her. I’d have throttled her!! As if having an affair isn’t bad enough, she truly believes that she is the victim! Poor her! Not once ounce of decency towards you or your children! Makes the whole thing worse though doesn’t it, he’s lost it all, and for what??? I hope he is utterly ashamed of himself.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 22:39

I've just been catching up reading all your lovely messages of support. My friend has not long left , I've sunk a few bottles of wine and going to enjoy my lie in, I've taken advice of not to say anything to the git about the supposed baby! I think I'll be playing right into her hands. My mum is going to be here tomorrow, not sat in the same room but another to look after the children and intervene if needed. I am honestly done with that despicable man! He gave me my beautiful babies and for that I will always be grateful but I refuse to be treated this way! He's ruined our relationship for ever and I hope it taunts him every day what he's chucked away

OP posts:
Original poster
heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 22:40

Sorry if messages don't read right. I'm gonna blame the wine

OP posts:
lifeinthehills · 11/02/2023 22:41

You sound like you've found your strength, OP. Good on you.

Whattodowhattodowhattodoooo · 11/02/2023 22:46

I'm sorry, what an absolute shit bag.
Glad you've had company and wine.
Hold your head high tomorrow, HOLD THE LINE.
No doubt he's gonna try all the tactics to win you over.
I'm glad you realise you deserve better than this utter clown and his fucking disaster.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2023 22:59

"My mum is going to be here tomorrow, not sat in the same room but another to look after the children and intervene if needed."

@heartbroken26

Brilliant idea! I'd make sure he knows she's there, too. If possible, have her within eavesdropping distance. It'll more than likely make him watch what he says and not step over any lines. In fact, it may put the kibosh on the whole 'talk'. IMO, not a bad thing at this point.

Holshicup · 11/02/2023 23:00

You lady are absolute class.
Pair of them are something on the bottom of your shoe.

Imagine a list of 10 things, minor or major that you would like to achieve, just for you. This advice really helped me change my mindset as I had forgotten about myself.

Would love to be a think of you and your mate (worth more than any bloke) partying the night away somewhere amazing. You have your wonderful mum to give you a well deserved break too!