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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 11/02/2023 12:24

What a fcking cheek of a horrible woman she is - What "type" of woman does this - was she even remorseful/sorry/guilty or just looking to cause more hurt (he obviously has a new type as you are NOThING like that !). Stay strong OP so many people here rooting for you sending a hug 🤗 The shock's will keep coming but at least you know what your dealing with. My heart is breaking for you

DoristheDuchess · 11/02/2023 12:25

My brother's ex pretended she was pregnant when he broke up with her. People can do it as a last ditch attempt.

She phoned our mum crying down the phone saying she was pregnant. Turned out to be a manipulative lie.

I agree with your friend and the fact she turned up on your doorstep makes me more sure.

What she's trying to do is put the nail in the coffin of your relationship so he goes back to her.

The fact you've already made the decision is none of her business

ReneBumsWombats · 11/02/2023 12:49

heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:37

I know! It's all such a mess! I called my friend right after she left, her sister still isn't talking to her so this came as a shock to her. She told me not to believe her, but I'm not sure. Who would lie about such a thing. This is such a mess. I feel like I'm drowning

It's entirely possible she would lie about such a thing....the timing does seem rather convenient. I guess only time will tell, but whether it's true or not, it isn't your problem. Focus on yourself.

Cakecakecheese · 11/02/2023 13:03

Yeah someone who has the nerve to turn up at the house of woman whose husband she's been sleeping with probably has no qualms about lying about a pregnancy.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 11/02/2023 13:04

Just remember @heartbroken26 her mess is not your problem.

Whether she’s pregnant or lying, if he’s blocked her or if they’re together, none of it is your problem. She chose to take part in this mess, she made choices. It’s not your job to sort out whatever shit show is going on between them, you’ve got enough to focus on, which is you and your children.

And yes some women do lie about pregnancy.

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 11/02/2023 13:04

I wouldn’t believe her for a second. If her objective really was to get in touch with your husband there are numerous ways to do that not involving you. She wants to maximise the devastation to get him to go back to her.

You sound lovely and I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a fucking idiot.

Denise82 · 11/02/2023 13:20

WarriorsComeOutToPlayay · 11/02/2023 13:04

I wouldn’t believe her for a second. If her objective really was to get in touch with your husband there are numerous ways to do that not involving you. She wants to maximise the devastation to get him to go back to her.

You sound lovely and I am so sorry you are going through this. Your husband is a fucking idiot.

This

Totally agree, she could get in touch with him if she wanted to. She's playing the extreme version of the "pick me" game. I don't believe her at all.
Sorry this is happening to you xx

Intrepidescape · 11/02/2023 13:26

heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:37

I know! It's all such a mess! I called my friend right after she left, her sister still isn't talking to her so this came as a shock to her. She told me not to believe her, but I'm not sure. Who would lie about such a thing. This is such a mess. I feel like I'm drowning

What a psycho to show up at your door!!

palelavender · 11/02/2023 13:29

It is pretty obvious he has dropped her. If he wants to have any chance of getting you to change you to change your mind he'd be an idiot to have anything more to do with her. I think the pregnancy thing is just a bit of a desperate ploy by the OW to try to get him back. Anyway, even if she is pregnant, there's no guarantee it's your husband's, is it? We're talking about somebody who was up for once a month sex with a married man.

MILLYmo0se · 11/02/2023 13:30

You need a ring doorbell! You cannot be answering the door without knowing who is outside from now on, and if you dont have a chain lock you need one asap.
Dear lord, how does anyone have the brass neck to turn up on the doorstep of the wife of the man they have been fucking with a sobstory?!!
Though tbh id be tempted to turn it back on the pair of them 'well i didnt want a divorce but theres no way back for us now after X shared loads of details about your sex life, what you have said about me and that it was going on for much longer than you said, i have no feelings but disgust for you now. You will never be able to turn me on, and well, we all know what you do when theres no sex on tap dont we?! So we are dead in the water '
But that obviously that would be stooping to their level so ignore that!!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/02/2023 13:30

Contact his mother and let her know this

That must be just about the first remark of yours I've ever disagreed with, Billy ... if the GF's claim is true MIL will find out soon enough, and if it isn't OP will probably become the one who gets the blame for making it up

As a PP wisely said (I think that might have been you too Smile) nobody's suggesting OP should be downright unpleasant to MIL, but sharing anything overly "personal" with her could well be unwise

CaravaggiosCat · 11/02/2023 13:46

She's grasping at straws... not your problem.

Littlepaws18 · 11/02/2023 13:48

I think there is a vengeful side to this woman. Why would she come to your door with this? Surely his mums door, his door would be far more appropriate. The only reason I can think is to cause maximum pain and ensure you never forgive him. Its callous, nasty and evil. She's twisting the knife in.

Don't play her game, don't tell him that's their mess not yours.

This news whether true or not shows you what he risked his marriage for- a very jealous bitter woman. Take strength from this and realise in your weaker moments that you can never take him back.

Karma has bitten his ass.

emarys81 · 11/02/2023 13:55

heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:26

Well last night was eventful to say the least! Guess who turned up on my doorstep.... the gits side piece! I opened the door and honestly the feelings that flew over me were something I had never experienced, the whole situation has gone from bad to worse by a million. I didn't invite her in needless to say! It took all my strength not to throttle her to be honest and to have the cheek to turn up at my door.. well it seems as though 'the git' has blocked all contact with her, so she took it upon herself to try to go through me, she's claiming she's pregnant! I don't know what to believe! Is it a plot to get him to contact her, further destroy me or is this the truth. I'm in disbelief, there is no way of coming back from this

Good god, this is horrendous. What a piece of work. The least she could do is stay well away from you but it sounds like your husband has really picked a doozy. I wouldn't believe her about the pregnancy, as others have said someone who is willing to pull a stunt like this would likely be comfortable lying about such a thing, while pulling said stunt. Don't tell your husband, that's what she wants. If he's really cut her off then let her languish and wear herself out. Focus on yourself and your kids, and working out what you want. She got herself into all this, that's her problem now — including if she really is pregnant. The last person whose problem it is, is you.

SicParvisMagna · 11/02/2023 13:55

Oh OP. I've been following your journey and thinking about you a lot. You are 100% a better woman than I because I would have scratched her eyes out on the doorstep. You clearly have an inner strength that you may or may not be just discovering (or was always there anyway) but you're doing amazing. I have no words of advice but just keep that chin up. You will come out of this with your head held high xxx

AcrossthePond55 · 11/02/2023 14:06

heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:26

Well last night was eventful to say the least! Guess who turned up on my doorstep.... the gits side piece! I opened the door and honestly the feelings that flew over me were something I had never experienced, the whole situation has gone from bad to worse by a million. I didn't invite her in needless to say! It took all my strength not to throttle her to be honest and to have the cheek to turn up at my door.. well it seems as though 'the git' has blocked all contact with her, so she took it upon herself to try to go through me, she's claiming she's pregnant! I don't know what to believe! Is it a plot to get him to contact her, further destroy me or is this the truth. I'm in disbelief, there is no way of coming back from this

Maybe she is and maybe she's not, but lying about a pregnancy is a strategy to keep a man that's as old as time. I mean think about it. In her mind what would be the most 'likely' reason for him to block her? He wants you back. The reality of it is, if she is pregnant, that he's bitten off much more than he can chew and he's taking the coward's way out by simply refusing to deal with it. My goodness, he's certainly blown his whole happy life to shit, hasn't he? GOOD!

By contacting you she's using both barrels; making you even more furious and determined than you are now to never take him back AND hoping to 'force' him into contacting her if only to tell her to leave you alone.

I think at this point, all you can do is add this to your 'sit and wait' list. Either she is or she isn't and only time will tell. You can deal with this when you know for sure. Don't borrow trouble. Her life is not your problem. She made her bed etc etc.

As far as what you do with this information, that's up to you. I wouldn't tell his mother. What would be the point and why should you tell her news that he should man up and tell her. Let him put on his big boy pants and deal with her. And as far as telling him, you know, honestly my very first reaction was "Nah, he's only going to lie or it's going to end up in a huge 'discussion' with him making excuses, more lies, and a temper tantrum or crying jag". None of which you need to deal with right now. So, I'd put it in the same box with the rest of the shit he's dealt you so far and let him deal with it on his own. Concentrate on the 'practicalities' right now. Let tomorrow unfold itself to you as it will. You'll deal with it then.

And YYYY to getting a Ring doorbell! You can get battery operated ones that just stick up with super strong 2-sided tape. Not that expensive and sooo worth it!!!! We love ours and knowing that we know who's at the door and can decide whether to answer it or not.

Ladybugzrock · 11/02/2023 14:10

Entirely possible she’s lying. I’ve seen this pattern before when OW is losing the game. A game you didn’t even know you were in.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Zero contact with her. She isn’t the problem. The fact your lying cheating husband brought her anywhere near your young family is!

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Fightingbackwithhappiness · 11/02/2023 14:16

@heartbroken26 I am so sorry for what has happened to you. You must feel like your life has imploded. We’re all thinking of you, take strength from your friends and family. Virtual hugs x

ItchyBillco · 11/02/2023 14:20

Wow. He has really fucked up. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Beautiful3 · 11/02/2023 14:32

I'm so shocked that she turned up at your door! She did that to get back with him, it wasn't for your benefit e.g. to explain. I'd not believe anything she says and wouldn't pass on anything to your ex, like she wants you to. Just focus on the children and the divorce. There's nothing he could say, to make everything right again. You deserve so much better ♥

lessthanathirdofanacre · 11/02/2023 14:43

I can't believe she had the nerve to show up at your house! And she's pregnant!!! As if you didn't have enough to cope with! You must be beside yourself.

StaunchMomma · 11/02/2023 14:45

The Git's side-piece is a brazen one, huh!!

She sounds utterly desperate. I bet the idiot has fallen for him and, as he's cut contact, has assumed that means he's still with you. I wouldn't be at all surprised if the pregnancy was a lie to try to get him to stay with her.

What a bitch!

And WHAT A GIT!!!!

Feck them both!!

buckeejit · 11/02/2023 14:55

Bloody hell. Agree to inform mil to get him to deal with this & ask her not to return. Normally I'd say don't involve mil but she's let you down so she can deal with some crap.

Hope your day gets better OP Flowers

CantGetDecentNickname · 11/02/2023 15:25

Please don’t be her messenger. Don’t let her use you like that. I wouldn’t mention her visit to him or MIL at all.

if she ever calls again just tell her she is trespassing and to leave immediately. Tell her if she comes back after being told to leave then it has become harassment and you’ll call the police to remove her. Don’t give her a chance to speak or listen to anything she has to say.

if she really is pregnant (and I doubt this) she is finding out first hand how he treats women once pregnant. I’d tell her to enjoy being a single parent.

REignbow · 11/02/2023 15:49

Oh golly gosh! I certainly wouldn’t be meeting him to have a chat.

I’d message him and tell him that she had turned up and you have no interest in having a chat. Anything that needs to be said can be done so through email.

in regards to the pregnancy, it could be true but could also most likely be not. She’s obviously fallen for him and the lies he has spun.

Please keep that anger as his next tactic will be tears and flying monkeys.

Just remember she came to your home and told you she was pregnant. Wash your hands of him and this mess he has created.