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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
MourningTea · 10/02/2023 19:43

Totally agree with everyone else here, also just to add everything goes through a solicitor from now on regarding the divorce details.
Not to say you can't communicate regarding childcare, but at this point it's best to limit communication if you are serious about divorcing.

gonnabeok · 10/02/2023 19:59

Be prepared OP he won't tell you all the sordid details. He will very much play it down in case there is a glimmer of hope you will take him back. I found out a lot more from the other woman!

Amandasummers · 10/02/2023 20:15

Wow. This is horrific op.

I just want to say though that I admire how you have handled this, I would never have held it together with as much grace as you appear to have done x

Cakecakecheese · 10/02/2023 20:46

Definitely write a list of everything you need to get sorted as seeing his cheating scumbaggy face might throw you off guard and make you forget some of that stuff.

Fraaahnces · 10/02/2023 21:11

Be prepared for him to get angry, defensive and grabby right now. He probably won’t tell you the truth about finances. You will need copies of everything so have a list prepared.

CountessWindyBottom · 10/02/2023 21:53

heartbroken26 · 10/02/2023 17:35

Hey all! Sorry for going quiet, it's beginning to sink in more now. I have reached out to more friends and family are they are being amazing. The git! (Husband) is having the kids tomorrow night at his mother in laws so he can spend some time with them. My friend is coming over and we're going to have some wine and a takeaway so I'm looking forward to that, the git is bringing him home Sunday and wants to talk. I've agreed, but only because I need to know the sordid details, discuss finances and the house. I'm standing firm, I want a divorce!! Thank you for all your lovely messages to say you are thinking of me and your support xx

Are you friends with any solicitors? I would completely blindside him to be honest (just as he has blindsided you) and have a solicitor present for the meeting. He is a liar so you are never going to get near to hearing the truth but having a solicitor present will completely take the wind out of his sails.

Failing that, you need to talk to a solicitor tomorrow to find out exactly what topics are and are not off the table. Keep everything factual, don't agree to anything and considering your babies are going to be there I'd agree on a specific time and duration so you can record the convo if necessary. What an absolute shit.

Withoutawhisper · 10/02/2023 22:15

Not sure you need a solicitor present OP. Just send him and MIL a link to your MN threads. Pretty sure he’ll realise he’s in a hold he can’t climb out of. Flowers

TheSilveryPussycat · 10/02/2023 22:28

FGS don't send him or his M any links to this thread!!!

Dixiechickonhols · 10/02/2023 22:31

I think it’s very early to be having a meeting with him and not appropriate with the children there.
I certainly wouldn’t agree to anything or be pressured into any contact arrangements.
I’d suggest seeing a solicitor for advice.

Smineusername · 10/02/2023 23:58

Totally agree with the previous poster who had the genius suggestion to bring a solicitor. He is a manipulative, self-serving, lying bastard. It is completely normal and understandable that you want answers and some part of you will inevitably be hoping there is some chance for a reconciliation because none of this is your doing and it's not what you want and of course you will be grieving for your kids and what they might lose. But showing up with flowers without you having consented to meet him shows that he has no respect for you whatsoever, he feels no actual remorse and is only interested in making his own life easier. He wants to sweep it all under the carpet and he really doesn't care about psychic cost to you of his abuse. You have to be very very careful to enforce very strong boundaries with this bastard because he knows you still love him and he wants to use that to manipulate you.

Mix56 · 11/02/2023 09:28

There won't be head space to discuss anything in a composed manner with him bringing the kids back at the same time, they will be all over you. He knows this.
You need to say thus is not an appropriate time.
He says he wants to talk, but what he really is going to do is put the emotional screws on you.& say you are ruining the children's lives, blablabla.

Remember how deliberate & duplicitous he was hiding his clothes etc
It wasn't a little flirt at the coffee station at work, he wanted it. He planned ahead.
Well he now sees the result of his actions, he still had feelings for ex gf. He needs to apologize & act like an grown up, he caused this
Dont talk ti him.
Let him talk if absolutely necessary
You only give Grey Rock responses
"Ill think about it"
"Doesn't work for me" etc etc.
& the best one, "No"

rockingbird · 11/02/2023 09:49

Hope your doing OK OP. I was like you, I needed to know!! I never got everything and sadly more and more blows came just as I was piecing myself back together. So my advice is to accept that there will always be more. Also as others have said, give nothing away and agree to nothing at this point. Let him tell you his version of events and then calmly let him know your not pushover and divorce is the only way forward. Be prepared at that point for the person you married to change into something you never thought imaginable! Take the higher ground, karma is a beautiful thing. Much love x

Sasha456 · 11/02/2023 10:11

Hi OP. I don’t usually post on these threads as everyone’s situation is personal to them but after discovering my husband's infidelity in much the same manner as you, and want to advise you that someone who can lie to our face without a hint of guilt can do it time and time again. I took my husband back and spent a year in agony only to discover they were in still in contact. I am now trying recover from a year of gaslighting coupled with the end of my marriage. Pathological liars are not like normal people.

Nelly10 · 11/02/2023 10:29

Sasha456 · 11/02/2023 10:11

Hi OP. I don’t usually post on these threads as everyone’s situation is personal to them but after discovering my husband's infidelity in much the same manner as you, and want to advise you that someone who can lie to our face without a hint of guilt can do it time and time again. I took my husband back and spent a year in agony only to discover they were in still in contact. I am now trying recover from a year of gaslighting coupled with the end of my marriage. Pathological liars are not like normal people.

Totally agree with this my H lied to my face time and time again like without flinching ! This went on for a very very long time. He is a pathological liar and like sasha456 they are not normal people and don’t act in a normal way.

Tread carefully.

MachineBee · 11/02/2023 10:35

Agree with PPs about just listening to what he wants to say but for a proper discussion you need to be in a neutral/unlicensed place without the DCs there. Also do not agree to anything other than perhaps when is next having the DCs.

I would put a chain on the doors that he has a key for.

My ExH was a serial adulterer and I was pathetically grateful every time he came back. Took me 22 years to find the courage to kick him out. When I did he offered all sorts of ‘good’ deals for the financial settlement. Some my solicitor advised accepting but the advice I got was not from my solicitor but my DDad who advised me to go for his pension. My ExH is dead, he only drew 3 years of his share of his pension but I’m benefitting already from my share and means I can be independent in retirement and not have to ask for support from my adult DCs.

My solicitor was good in other ways and discovered hidden funds that hadn’t been disclosed.

MachineBee · 11/02/2023 10:35

For some reason autocorrect changed public place to unlicensed place.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:26

Well last night was eventful to say the least! Guess who turned up on my doorstep.... the gits side piece! I opened the door and honestly the feelings that flew over me were something I had never experienced, the whole situation has gone from bad to worse by a million. I didn't invite her in needless to say! It took all my strength not to throttle her to be honest and to have the cheek to turn up at my door.. well it seems as though 'the git' has blocked all contact with her, so she took it upon herself to try to go through me, she's claiming she's pregnant! I don't know what to believe! Is it a plot to get him to contact her, further destroy me or is this the truth. I'm in disbelief, there is no way of coming back from this

OP posts:
Wimbz20 · 11/02/2023 11:30

heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:26

Well last night was eventful to say the least! Guess who turned up on my doorstep.... the gits side piece! I opened the door and honestly the feelings that flew over me were something I had never experienced, the whole situation has gone from bad to worse by a million. I didn't invite her in needless to say! It took all my strength not to throttle her to be honest and to have the cheek to turn up at my door.. well it seems as though 'the git' has blocked all contact with her, so she took it upon herself to try to go through me, she's claiming she's pregnant! I don't know what to believe! Is it a plot to get him to contact her, further destroy me or is this the truth. I'm in disbelief, there is no way of coming back from this

And she is coming to you for what ? Sympathy? WTH is wrong with people !!! How did you no punch her in the face ? Did she even apologise ?!

AelinAshriver · 11/02/2023 11:33

Jesus Christ! What a bomb!!! What has her sister, your friend, said about it? Does she know about the pregnancy?

Can't believe she had the cheek to knock on your door! If The Git has blocked her, surely going through the sister is a better option that you!? Ffs!

Assuming she is as faithful as The Git, there is no definite its even his.

And I hate to say it OP, have you looked I to getting a sexual health check? :(

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 11/02/2023 11:37

AelinAshriver · 11/02/2023 11:33

Jesus Christ! What a bomb!!! What has her sister, your friend, said about it? Does she know about the pregnancy?

Can't believe she had the cheek to knock on your door! If The Git has blocked her, surely going through the sister is a better option that you!? Ffs!

Assuming she is as faithful as The Git, there is no definite its even his.

And I hate to say it OP, have you looked I to getting a sexual health check? :(

I know! It's all such a mess! I called my friend right after she left, her sister still isn't talking to her so this came as a shock to her. She told me not to believe her, but I'm not sure. Who would lie about such a thing. This is such a mess. I feel like I'm drowning

OP posts:
qwertykeyboards · 11/02/2023 11:40

She’s got a nerve turning up at your doorstep! Do not get involved in their mess. Let him deal with it now, he’s made his bed now he can lie in it.

billy1966 · 11/02/2023 11:44

As if you don't have enough to cope with.

I am so sorry.

Contact his mother and let her know this.

He is scum, but you know this.

You will get through this, and you will thrive.

Take all the support offered to you.

This is all on HIM.

cloudypink · 11/02/2023 11:49

@heartbroken26

I've not commented yet but i have read all through the threads.

Im so sorry for you! I can't believe the git has done this! Stay strong 💜

parlourb · 11/02/2023 12:01

I’d be using words much stronger than git to describe him!

rockingbird · 11/02/2023 12:02

Wow she's got a nerve! I hope to god she is lying for your sake as much as the poor baby stuck in the middle. It does however make me wonder how much your friend knows 🧐 either way I can imagine that's been yet another massive blow! Please let friends and family hold you up, do stuff for you - I can only imagine how numb you must be feeling 😞