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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
templesit · 08/02/2023 22:04

@heartbroken26 omg massive hugs.

Have only just seen this and read the other thread before this. I was honestly at first thinking your friend was wanting to cause issues and in the end she was true to her friendship with you by telling you and putting you before her sister and herself. She sounds like a guddun.

As for 'him' I cannot believe the lies the games, the make believe, finding a new hobby to allow for the affair. Really feel for you as this is so bad.

Every day your strength will grow. The days where you don't want to get out of bed, your boys will keep you going. The days you feel weak are days you need to slowly get through as when you reach the end of each one you will be that bit stronger but you won't know where as you won't always feel it.

Keep busy with your boys, get them doing messy play in the garden and baking and building dens. You can have fun at home and the happiness in your babies will be like a medicine. Don't let 'him' take the focus off your moments with the kids.

CreamyCrisp · 08/02/2023 22:24

I can buy myself flowers
write my name in the sand
talk to myself for hours
say things you don't understand
I can take myself dancing
I can hold my own hand
and I can love me better than you can. X

Fraaahnces · 08/02/2023 22:46

Wow… your husband gets 150 points for insensitivity. What a Cupid Stunt! Flowers!!! Like you’re going to be romanced into submission after all of this!!! Like SHE was? Omg!!! I simply can’t believe how dumb these men think their wives really are.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 09/02/2023 01:14

Flowers? What on earth is he on thinking that a bunch of bloody flowers is going to make everything ok????
@heartbroken26 I admire your restraint for not bashing him over the head with them.

S0upertrooper · 09/02/2023 02:59

So sorry OP, this is an awful thing to happen.

Ask him to place the flowers at your front door as a mark of the death of your marriage.

MILLYmo0se · 09/02/2023 08:18

Flowers???!!! Oh for the love of god........ All I can say is, be prepared for some absolute cliched bullshit arriving on your doorstep Valentines day
Fair play for not beating him around the head with the flowers, you are more dignified than i think id manage!

Sarahbumdaa · 09/02/2023 10:05

I hope your OK stay strong. my ex did something similar and I forgave him only later to find a picture he had sent to another woman of his erect penis. Looking back now I should have got rid of him straight away but my mum advised I should forgive and forget. He to minimised it saying it was only a month etc etc only later to find out it was 2 years. He made up lies to his family saying he left me because I was cheating he is an absolute liar. There's no way given my time again I would have stayed with him but I was worried about how we would manage without him as at the time I had 2 kids 2 years and 4 months old at the time. So stay strong do what your gut is telling you too dont make decisions from what others tell you to do. Do whats right for you

AcrossthePond55 · 09/02/2023 13:43

Flowers. How fucking cliché.

I'd carefully gather them up, wrap them in newspaper and put them in the garage. Then the next time he has the DC I'd carefully put the dead blooms on the porch for him to see in case he decides to violate your 'safe space' again.

Your MiL should have texted you to let you know he was coming. Only you know her well enough to know if it was a deliberate 'move' on their part or if she was just bullied or guilted by her son and afraid to tell you. I'd probably be tempted to give her a pass, just this once. But I'd let her know that if he does it again, she needs to let you know right away.

BTW, Ring doorbells are wonderful for forewarning you of 'undesirables' at your door.

qwertykeyboards · 10/02/2023 12:10

How are you today, OP? Flowers

Itsmek · 10/02/2023 13:54

Wondering about you a lot - trust you have real people to support you too, but would love to hear from you to know you are ok!

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 10/02/2023 17:35

Hey all! Sorry for going quiet, it's beginning to sink in more now. I have reached out to more friends and family are they are being amazing. The git! (Husband) is having the kids tomorrow night at his mother in laws so he can spend some time with them. My friend is coming over and we're going to have some wine and a takeaway so I'm looking forward to that, the git is bringing him home Sunday and wants to talk. I've agreed, but only because I need to know the sordid details, discuss finances and the house. I'm standing firm, I want a divorce!! Thank you for all your lovely messages to say you are thinking of me and your support xx

OP posts:
TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 10/02/2023 17:36

Lots of love and strength op. Friend, wine and takeout is just the ticket

BigMacExtraPickles · 10/02/2023 17:42

Sending love xx

DestinysGrandchild · 10/02/2023 17:44

❤️

mumof2andstillsurviving · 10/02/2023 17:44

Stay strong. Don't let him worm his way back in. You deserve so much better. Xxx

kateandme · 10/02/2023 17:50

Word of warning.he will never tell you the details. Never.they never do.theres ALWAYS more.
He's ondamage control she must still loves me how can i use that,her mode.

Summer2424 · 10/02/2023 17:55

@heheartbroken26 sending you strength to get through this time ❤

Daleksatemyshed · 10/02/2023 18:07

I think you do need to talk now but don't let him try to blame you again and make sure he doesn't try to force you into any discussions when the DC are about, if he tries to drag them into it then chuck him out. He probably won't be above a bit of emotional blackmail so try to stay calm and factual ( hard I know).
You've done so, so well Op, enjoy your evening with your friend

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2023 18:19

heartbroken26 · 10/02/2023 17:35

Hey all! Sorry for going quiet, it's beginning to sink in more now. I have reached out to more friends and family are they are being amazing. The git! (Husband) is having the kids tomorrow night at his mother in laws so he can spend some time with them. My friend is coming over and we're going to have some wine and a takeaway so I'm looking forward to that, the git is bringing him home Sunday and wants to talk. I've agreed, but only because I need to know the sordid details, discuss finances and the house. I'm standing firm, I want a divorce!! Thank you for all your lovely messages to say you are thinking of me and your support xx

discuss finances and the house

Listen much more than you speak. Remember at this point you are adversaries. Each of you is going to want the 'best deal' in the divorce. I don't mean taking each other to the cleaners, just that there are going to be specific things that you want, in finances as well as material possessions.

So, don't give him ammo. Don't show your hand. Find out what his 'expectations' are and then decide how much to tell him about what you want. (Answer: nothing) Frankly, I'd tell him I wasn't ready to discuss things and then see a solicitor first. Some men get very anxious to 'make a deal' at this point, usually to their own advantage. They may seem to be acting very generously, but in the cold light of the next day, they rarely are.

Above all else do NOT agree to anything, even if you think it's 'fair' or 'acceptable'. Even if it falls into 'what you want'. Your answer to everything needs to be "I'll need to think about that". Because things and needs change and you need time to really consider what is right for you as well as what is a fair division. Any 'offer' he makes needs to be run through a solicitor.

My cousin almost accepted what seemed to be a 'good' settlement, only to find out from her (US) lawyer that she was actually entitled to about 25% more of joint assets than he was 'generously offering', as well as higher child maintenance AND spousal maintenance for 3 years to allow her to rebuild her career.

Mojo777 · 10/02/2023 18:34

Sending you so much love and strength for the days, weeks and months ahead. Stand firm lovely lady. xo ✨️

Turkeyneck101 · 10/02/2023 18:43

Be prepared. Write down your thoughts before hand. Things you needor want to know. As already stated he won't be entirely honest ...if he was...he knows there is no hope of any way back. Would it be possible meet in neutral ground. Maybe have a friend ring at an agreed time to check you're OK or pick you up if needs be ?? Also knowing the details doesn't necessarily help sometimes...but we are all different.

Don't let him forget who it was who ruined everything should he not like your determination to divorce.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/02/2023 18:43

I can't improve on that excellent advice from AcrossthePond55, and the very first words "Listen much more than you speak" say it all

The key point here is that your agenda to "know the sordid details, discuss finances and the house" almost certainly won't be the same as his, so while you will indeed need to speak at some point, give absolutely nothing away - and even less to MIL, who may well try to fish on her DS's behalf

AcrossthePond55 · 10/02/2023 19:08

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/02/2023 18:43

I can't improve on that excellent advice from AcrossthePond55, and the very first words "Listen much more than you speak" say it all

The key point here is that your agenda to "know the sordid details, discuss finances and the house" almost certainly won't be the same as his, so while you will indeed need to speak at some point, give absolutely nothing away - and even less to MIL, who may well try to fish on her DS's behalf

and even less to MIL, who may well try to fish on her DS's behalf

A big YY to this!!

It's really hard to realize that at this point you have to sort of divide everyone into either 'for you or for him' but you really do. This includes all mutual friends. Later on you'll be able to relax and rearrange people, but not right now.

And just because you put someone into the 'for him' category doesn't mean you can't be friendly or socialize with them. It just means that you stay on your guard and watch your tongue. Loose lips do sink ships, and you need to bring yours into safe harbour.

Beaverbridge · 10/02/2023 19:12

Enjoy your evening with your friend lovely. You certainly deserve time for yourself. You've been through so much this week.
As others have said keep your powder dry, remember he, ll be trying to worm back in. That's what my ex tried, kidded on he was my friend to suss out what I was thinking. Sending you hugs, glad you've got real life support. He, ll be the sad loser in the long run. X.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 10/02/2023 19:41

You're being very strong OP. Good for you. You deserve better.