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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is having an affair! Follow on thread

802 replies

heartbroken26 · 06/02/2023 21:00

I've made a follow on thread as frankly I need to continue to share my thoughts and gain support and advice from you all! I do feel a warmth reading all your lovely comments of support. Thank you!

OP posts:
Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 16:01

also flowers at this time - that is so bloody insulting!

honestly!?

like a bunch of flowers can come close to cutting it!

Turkeyneck101 · 08/02/2023 16:14

Re the mil. Yes blood is thicker than water...but if he has lied to you he will have lied to everyone..and likely still doing so.

I found out today that my exes family were unaware of his prolific cheating as the reason we split up, 15 years ago. So don't assume all the messages are getting passed along either at all or as you intended....and if they 'forget', remind them.

kateandme · 08/02/2023 16:21

Ah mother in law playing by the script we said she would then.though she turned quicker than we gave her credit for.
No no no op stat strong.
Of course he will see her again.
He's been doing it for how long behind your back.with a new born?
He's just been caught out and like a naughty little boy is really trying to manipulate you with puppy dog eyes flowers and good behaviour.
Flowers though really.id say fuck off just for that! I mean ay least come with something original mate.something worth something. Something that actually shows sorrow.flowers.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 08/02/2023 16:54

Chchchchangess · 08/02/2023 15:59

Please be careful. I remember how vulnerable I was - and still am now he’s done it for the final time - when this happened to me with a young baby.

you sound so much stronger than me.

i took my husband back - there was no OW present apparently but I’m thinking she was just never discovered - but he did act sus and move out. He came back and I let him becuase I was so afraid of life without home. 4 years later after buying our dream home and having a holiday of a lifetime he’s done it again. This time it’s a full blown affair and he’s admitted it all. I’ve filed for divorce and wish to god I’d done it the first time and not wasted another 4 years feeling resentful of his previous behaviour.

stsy strong

This why people jump to ltb so quickly isn’t it? Such a high chance they’ll do it again.

At least you’ve filed now though, better waste 4 years than 40.

Crazycrazylady · 08/02/2023 17:23

Op. I'm never one jump on the LTB bandwagon but in this instance I think it's warranted.
To immediately move to having an affair with someone because you have are less available for sex due to a birth injury giving him his baby and secondly to care so little about getting caught that he had that affair with the sister of a known close friend of yours. I honestly think such a man is beyond redemption and lacks any type of a moral compass.
You sound warm, funny and kind and he does not deserve you.

Dibbydoos · 08/02/2023 17:47

Hi OP, I hope that day by day things improve for you. Its a real shock when the person you trust most breaches your trust and shows such abject disrespect to yiu. You DFs sister can F off too.

Your MIl has forgiven her DS and wants you back together.

Your DF did the right thing choosing you over her sister, bless her that must have been very difficult.

Thank the Lord mums around.

Sending you a big hug.

You deserve better, remember he's had his little dick in someone else for months whilst playing happy families with you and your DCs. He doesn't deserve empathy. But good to yourself and choose for you abd your DCs.

Good luck xxx

REignbow · 08/02/2023 17:49

Oh god the cliché of turning up on the door step with flowers 😡

He will do it again. Next time he’ll try and come inside. You need to prepare yourself for that. Also, I wouldn’t trust your MIL.

Your friend sounds lovely. Her sister, knew he was married with DC (one of which was a baby), so her anger at her is so misguided! Obviously this women loved the secrecy, the game playing etc.

Continue to focus on your DC and keep the anger, as it will help you navigate any manipulation he WILL try.

Please also look at the chump lady website.

www.chumplady.com

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2023 18:01

I agree with Billy that MIL really let you down by changing the plans and allowing you to be ambushed

So do I, though it was sadly predictable. Doubtless she's telling herself that "he's trying really hard" and never mind the effect on OP eh? Hmm

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 08/02/2023 18:18

Andypandy799 · 08/02/2023 15:24

@FormerlyPathologicallyHappy exactly! I would have thrown the flowers at him cf

Oh I wanted to, I really did, and had my son not been watching I absolutely would have. I calmly left them on the doorstep when in fact I wanted to shove them up his arse!

OP posts:
Novatherova · 08/02/2023 18:24

Unreal the level of cheek. Stay strong.

diddl · 08/02/2023 18:26

A bunch of flowers & he hasn't seen OW since he was found out?

He thinks that you are insultingly easy to mollify doesn't he?

VariantHela · 08/02/2023 18:33

Some may not agree but I am firmly in the LTB camp. If my children were not at home I would have made it chillingly clear flowers do nothing and I hope he likes being divorced.

SquishyGloopyBum · 08/02/2023 18:34

You need to make it clear that he needs to give you space and it's not fair for him to use the kids as a way of getting to you. He put you in a really awkward position on the doorstep and it shows how little respect he has for your feelings. Id tell him flowers are not welcome as well.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/02/2023 18:48

heartbroken26 · 08/02/2023 15:09

Hi all! Just to give you an update. MIL collected children as planned... the knob bought them home! Totally took me by surprise! I was not happy! However he stayed at the door step and didn't attempt to come in, still trying to say how sorry he is, he bought me flowers! Flowers! As if that's gonna Bluddy cut it!! Cheeky sod! He's staying with his brother and his wife, rekons he hasn't been anyway near the other woman! I don't know what to believe! I'm now just feeling so sad! My little boy keeps asking for his dad, he's too young to understand what's going on. I'm remaining firm, the flowers just gave me more strength to my anger to be honest! My friend has been lovely, told me shel give me space if needs and apologised about the way she had to tell me. Her sister has fallen out with her. So she's not without hurt either now bless her

So your MIL betrayed you as we suspected she would and can't be trusted? She's supposed to be disgusted with him and she colludes with him to let him take the kids home completely betraying your trust in her. Seriously, please be careful with her. She is clearly still being loyal to him.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/02/2023 18:56

Your DH will have told your MIL a very sanitized version of what's been going on, if he's down playing the affair to you then he will to her too. She's disgusted with his behaviour but her letting him bring the DC back was entirely predictable- she hopes you can sort it all out and everything will go back to normal, if he could just talk to you you'd know he didn't really mean it. So on the plus side you now know she can't be altogether trusted ( just as lots of posters predicted).

You must feel very vunerable and conflicted at the moment Op so don't let anyone try and push you into making any decisions about what happens next.
I feel for your friend too, she's been a star and I'm sure her sister is livid with her so I'd keep her close, good friends like that are hard to find

CalpurniaJones · 08/02/2023 19:09

MIL may have gone back on her word, but then again, she might not. However, if her son told her that he was taking the children home, there was nothing she could do to stop him - he is their father after all (if a complete shit). Absolutely, watch what you say to MIL but I wouldn't immediately leap to the conclusion that she has "betrayed" the OP.

MsDogLady · 08/02/2023 19:21

Agree that bringing flowers was a highly insulting move. He’s still using props to manipulate you — just like the golf/overtime/lying mates/hidden clothes he used to engineer his cheating and humiliation of his family.

I don’t see true remorse here. He is determined to be in control and couldn’t care less about your emotional healing. He disrespected your requirement for space, ambushed you, and insulted you with a cliché bouquet. He used your boys.

And now OW is angry with her sister for rumbling their sleazy set-up to provide you with the truth? She and H really are narcissistic pieces of work who have zero integrity or empathy. I would bet they were flirting and escalating this long before 4 months ago.

Mix56 · 08/02/2023 19:33

Ugh, its a steep learning curve. Unfortunately you will inevitably have to see him on contact days.
So He does not come in, you dont speak any more than the absolute minimum.
No coming in to see x y or z.

Grey rock the shit out if him.
I wouldn't annex MIL YET.
there will be times you need child care !!!!,
They love their GM I assume? & this is not a hill to die on.
Oh, just a snort of derision over the flowers, & leave them on the doorstep, says more than words, well done 😊

Dixiechickonhols · 08/02/2023 19:49

It was really inappropriate of MIL to change arrangements and not let you know so you were confronted on your doorstep. Flowers indeed!
Do what is best for you Op. What is best for you is best for your young children.

Feministwoman · 08/02/2023 19:50

@heartbroken26

Fit/Get a front and back door chain fitted asap.

Then he can't push his way into the house.

Ok, it's his shared home, but as it's such a common safety precaution, you'd be ok for a bit, if he complains to anyone.

Keeps you in control, and safer.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/02/2023 19:57

MIL may have gone back on her word, but then again, she might not. However, if her son told her that he was taking the children home, there was nothing she could do to stop him - he is their father after all (if a complete shit)

That's very fair, CalpurniaJones, though I'm not sure why she couldn't have at least messaged OP to save her the shock of unexpectedly seeing the ex on her doorstep

It would after all have been the thoughtful thing to do

juliettesmother · 08/02/2023 20:01

Stay strong!

Smineusername · 08/02/2023 20:18

Nah fuck that MIL is also a cunt obvs.

I'd make them petition the courts for access he has no boundaries and neither does she

rockingbird · 08/02/2023 20:44

Flowers! Blimey he's deluded if he thinks that's going to help his sorry ass right now. As other have said, MiL should have pre-warned you if he was bringing them back. To be put on the spot like that is not at all helpful or wanted I suspect. Stay strong, I know it's all a bit messed up in your head not to mention scary but sit with those feelings and do nothing until your thinking with a clearer head. x

Cyclebreaker · 08/02/2023 22:00

Crazycrazylady · 08/02/2023 17:23

Op. I'm never one jump on the LTB bandwagon but in this instance I think it's warranted.
To immediately move to having an affair with someone because you have are less available for sex due to a birth injury giving him his baby and secondly to care so little about getting caught that he had that affair with the sister of a known close friend of yours. I honestly think such a man is beyond redemption and lacks any type of a moral compass.
You sound warm, funny and kind and he does not deserve you.

Very very good points you make . He has done this in a particularly grotesque fashion, not only the ultimate, repeated and sustained, betrayal but he has, essentially, blamed you for his lack of control (men who can't control their sexual appetite are just icky imho!).

And he's shat all over your mutually owned doorstep with a historical wank bank reject. Not to mention risking your very good friendship with wank bank rejects sister.

He really is unbelievable.

You sound lovely op, he really does not deserve you x