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Original poster

Could he be having an affair???

972 replies

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 11:41

Name changed for this!! I don't even know why im posting!! I don't know anything yet?! Im hoping it's all innocent!!

Today my husband told me he was going off to golf! No problem, it's a hobby he's taken up in the last 6 months and goes off most weekends! He always said it's a good de stresser as we have 2 children under 5, one of which is an baby. So of course I've had no reason to suspect anything untoward!!

My friend text me saying she's seen him with a woman shopping in the next town over!!! She doesn't think he saw her.

I don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong 😩

OP posts:
glasshole · 04/02/2023 14:32

Op, he could have state clubs but if he's only been playing for 6 months I think it unlikely. How much do you trust this friend? Is she certain it was him?

If I was in your shoes I would trust my friend but just ask him how golf went. Then after he's told you a story just say "but you were in xxxshops ". And then be quiet. Totally silent. Let him talk and don't say anything. The conventions of society mean that if a person is silent during a typical turn taking conversation it's very likely to make him talk to fill the gap and the more he talks the more he will reveal. That's why the police use it as an interview technique. Don't raise your voice. Don't mention another woman. If he admits to being in that town, he could well say it was for a certain reason, so THEN raise the woman. Keep your calm.

CrazyLadie · 04/02/2023 14:35

Panama2 · 04/02/2023 14:29

To play a round of golf he would definitely need his golf bag. So unless he has taken his bag as a cover in case you looked in his car or the garage it would appear he is playing golf.

He hasn't take the golf bag, she found it in the garage filled with clubs

crochetmonkey74 · 04/02/2023 14:35

glasshole · 04/02/2023 14:32

Op, he could have state clubs but if he's only been playing for 6 months I think it unlikely. How much do you trust this friend? Is she certain it was him?

If I was in your shoes I would trust my friend but just ask him how golf went. Then after he's told you a story just say "but you were in xxxshops ". And then be quiet. Totally silent. Let him talk and don't say anything. The conventions of society mean that if a person is silent during a typical turn taking conversation it's very likely to make him talk to fill the gap and the more he talks the more he will reveal. That's why the police use it as an interview technique. Don't raise your voice. Don't mention another woman. If he admits to being in that town, he could well say it was for a certain reason, so THEN raise the woman. Keep your calm.

This is great advice. Don't let him make you talk. Say a fact and then silence. If he becomes angry and starts raging that you don't trust him, you know he's covering some up

SecretSophie · 04/02/2023 14:37

The filthy pig will go for a shower OP, let him do this and check his phone. See what that shows,
Then ask him how things were at golf today. Depending on what he says, you'll know.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 04/02/2023 14:37

I would play the long game but definitely follow him to rugby

Peachy66 · 04/02/2023 14:38

Do you have anyone who could follow him tonight when he is supposedly watching the 6 nations? That way, if he is out with another woman you could then turn up and surprise them. Until then, keep your cards close to your chest.

Everybodywants · 04/02/2023 14:40

Is he wearing the same outfit your friend described??

Monsun · 04/02/2023 14:40

OP - stay quiet for now and start gathering evidence - you don't know if he is up to something or not at this point.
So:
Watch what he takes out of & puts in of his car when he returns / goes out for the next few weeks.
Look for any evidence left in the car at any point?
Start taking photos of things (like clubs in the garage).
You may have to start looking at his phone/email.
Take copies of all ppwork pertinent to filing for divorce (in case he is cheating and you decide you can't continue being married to him (at a later date).

Also, this was excellent advice: someone earlier suggested that you should pretend your friend is upset about something (her gran or uncle being ill) which would explain WHY you're in a strange / unhappy mood. Because you will be.

Panda8383 · 04/02/2023 14:41

I hope there is a reasonable explanation for this :-( feel sick for you, be strong x

twistylittlegirl · 04/02/2023 14:42

Has he ever cleaned his clubs or shoes.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 04/02/2023 14:43

He might actually go to watch the rugby will make mates though so you'll be no further forward. I'd ask him lots of questions about his golf game as soon as he gets back.

  • who he played with; how he did; who won; how long the game was. You know him well enough to judge how natural his responses seem. Then ask how he managed to fit in a trip to (wherever he was seen) on top of the game. Then say nothing at all for as long as you can to hear what he has to say. I hope there's an innocent explanation OP but it does sound dodgy.
AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/02/2023 14:44

I'm sorry OP, I caught my ex out so many times with things like this and he gaslit me every single time I tried to being things up that I was 'mental' and diddnt trust him etc.

I would personally take a photo of the clubs in the garage as proof you know they were there but say nothing. Light and breezy when he gets in, how was golf? Looking forwards to the pub later? Etc

I agree with bot showing your hand I knew for two days when I finally had the evidence to pin on my ex. I let him head off to work in the morning, packed a case for him and left it outside the door, text him to tell him I knew everything and told him to come and collect his shit. In that time I had spoken to a solicitor arranged the house valuations and had the evidence backed up in 3 places. Prick

Sandra1984 · 04/02/2023 14:44

@heartbroken26 don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong.

I think it's quite easy, wait till he gets home, don't panic and don't freak out because it can be something really innocent (or not). Sit him down at some point, or while in the middle of a meal and very very casually start having a casual interest in his whereabouts on Saturday (or whatever day he was spotted shopping with that lady), ask him how was his day, how was his golf, who are his golf buddies and if he did anything fun after the golf. Try to sound genuinely interested in his day/hobbies/golf if he tells you a different story than the one your friend told you that location wise doesn't make sense you know he's lying to you and there you have your answer.

Panama2 · 04/02/2023 14:44

Its random clubs? No bag? Could there me hope for me yet?

I took this to mean OP found random clubs and no bag in the garage. If OP. Rant he took random clubs and left the bag he could still be at the club using the driving range or even a lesson. However if the friend is absolutely sure of her sighting him then not looking great.

samqueens · 04/02/2023 14:44

crochetmonkey74 · 04/02/2023 14:35

This is great advice. Don't let him make you talk. Say a fact and then silence. If he becomes angry and starts raging that you don't trust him, you know he's covering some up

Show quote history

Yes this is very good advice.

if I were you I would say I really need to know where you’ve been today and I don’t need to lied to. And then wait. Until he admits the name of the place your friend says just keep repeating the above or say nothing. Do NOT be drawn into a conversation in which he could gaslight you and tell you you’re crazy.

I read a book about hostage negotiation and one of the ‘tricks’ it teaches is to only stick to a handful of very neutral open ended questions which always turn the issue back on the asker. In this case things like: “I just need to know where you’ve been today?”, “how can I talk about it when you haven’t told me where you’ve been today?”, “I can’t help with that until I know where you’ve been today”. Rinse and repeat.

He gets some points if he fesses up straight away and sits down for an honest conversation.

He loses points bigtime if he uses the following words referring to you: psycho, crazy, jealous, insecure, paranoid, overtired, nag.

I’m so sorry OP. Good luck

ShakespearesBlister · 04/02/2023 14:45

Go outside when he's back and watch him unload the car. If there's no golf clubs in the car....

Crikeyalmighty · 04/02/2023 14:47

I'm afraid like others I would say sod all- act as normal as you can- think how you feel about this - get your shit lined up- see a solicitor if you know it's a total dealbreaker. Keep spying- check his phone if you can too. One good feature is if you go into texts , click on edit and it will show all the recently deleted texts , (this is on iPhone). Look if Theresa name you don't recognise - click on it and it restores those texts. If he uses WhatsApp, look for 'most contacted'

Benjispruce4 · 04/02/2023 14:47

But if he removes golf clubs from boot it just means his cover story is in place. Doesn’t mean he played golf.

Sandra1984 · 04/02/2023 14:47

ShakespearesBlister · 04/02/2023 14:45

Go outside when he's back and watch him unload the car. If there's no golf clubs in the car....

Another good point, but he could state he left them at the club or a friends house.

Wiluli · 04/02/2023 14:48

Thread lightly , use your brain , do you have access to bank accounts and money ? Can he leave you without anything ? Think about the kids above anything else , because if I’m honest it looks very bad

SpringtimeCherries · 04/02/2023 14:53

@AccidentallyRunToWindsor I agree with you, sadly. I had a wonderful husband, honestly the last person you’d ever think of having an affair, I 100% trusted him. Also like you OP, had a baby with him, nothing wrong with our sex life, although sometimes it self like he manufactured arguments (realised now it was in order to go out on his own to meet women!).

And I also 100% thought he’d tell me the trust when I was suspicious. But he did not. He was seen with other women, he always, always had his phone on him and locked, then I found condoms in his bag (we didn’t use them). He lied about those (said he’d thought maybe we should start using them again), lied quite effectively about the women (he had a lot of female friends). His female friends also became quite hostile to me, unbeknown to me he was saying to them that I was becoming controlling and that I didnt’ like him seeing his female friends…

So OP what I’m saying is, as awful as it is, this is usual. A man having an affair when caught will lie and lie again. Because he’s used to it! Because he doesn’t respect us, his wife, doesn’t value us. He will probably prefer you to be feeling stressed and crazy, and carry on having other women, than he will to come clean and stop it.

So you really do have to get as much proof as you can. I had to in the end, and it’s really massively helped me to come to terms with it afterwards. It also, weirdly, helped my ExDH to co parent with me. If I hadn’t got proof of his cheating, he would still be labelling me an awful controlling woman which would have affected us being able to communicate about our child. I think he also respects me a little more, as he can’t hide behind ‘she was so awful that’s why we broke up’.

namechange0102 · 04/02/2023 14:53

Hope it all goes okay oP. Keep us posted

SpringtimeCherries · 04/02/2023 14:54

Aarghh! Spelling… truth not trust!

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:54

My friend is still here, she's going to stay with me. We've decided I won't say anything right now (if I can hold it all in course) and then she's going to follow him tonight, she's honestly the best friend I could ask for, I'm so embarrassed this is happening to me

OP posts:
Monsun · 04/02/2023 14:55

If you confront him today - if he's up to something - all he will do is deny it then hide any evidence.
Then you'll never know.
If he's innocent, you might damage your marriage for absolutely no reason.