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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could he be having an affair???

972 replies

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 11:41

Name changed for this!! I don't even know why im posting!! I don't know anything yet?! Im hoping it's all innocent!!

Today my husband told me he was going off to golf! No problem, it's a hobby he's taken up in the last 6 months and goes off most weekends! He always said it's a good de stresser as we have 2 children under 5, one of which is an baby. So of course I've had no reason to suspect anything untoward!!

My friend text me saying she's seen him with a woman shopping in the next town over!!! She doesn't think he saw her.

I don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong 😩

OP posts:
Youwhatnowbiggles · 04/02/2023 14:56

@heartbroken26 whether his clubs are there or not your friend has seen him with another woman whilst claiming to be elsewhere. I’m sorry, there really isn’t an innocent explanation. You need to either confront now or take time to get your ducks in a row.

Panda8383 · 04/02/2023 14:57

You have no need to be embarrassed honestly, it’s him if he is cheating on you! What an arse, and your friend sounds like a good friend to have x

Reinventinganna · 04/02/2023 14:58

What will you do op? If he’s cheated? Also what if there’s an explanation and he hasn’t?
Is this the end?

Tyrannicalthreeyearold · 04/02/2023 14:58

Glad your friend is there she sounds like a good one.
Sounds like a good plan. Stay strong x

Clarefromwork · 04/02/2023 15:01

A few weeks ago I swore I saw a married man I know walk past me in a shop with another woman. I was so sure it was him, same sort of clothes he wears, same walk and hair. I went round the corner where he went and caught up with him (ikea! ) and when he turned around it wasn’t him! He was so similar though. If I hadn’t of gone to double check I would have been so sure it was him ! But wouldn’t have told the wife unless I was 100% sure.
If your friend saw from afar it could easily not be him unless she went chit a closer look?
its weird you can’t see him on find my phone - but golf courses might not have signal. Does it show where he was last picked up on find my phone?

samqueens · 04/02/2023 15:01

I bet he is going where he says later on. Don’t let that make you second guess the first part.

ukMummyof1 · 04/02/2023 15:01

I've got no advice but couldn't pass by without saying I really hope you are okay, my heart is breaking for you. You also have a great friend there xxx

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 15:01

Reinventinganna · 04/02/2023 14:58

What will you do op? If he’s cheated? Also what if there’s an explanation and he hasn’t?
Is this the end?

Honestly, I have no idea! I was always one of those people who thought nah, would never stay. But faced with it, I love him, we have young children. I'm so torn. I think I would need all the information on 'the affair' before I made any decisions

OP posts:
LorW · 04/02/2023 15:01

I’d have his bags packed ready for him coming home. The simplest explanation is normally the correct one. I’m so so sorry OP.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/02/2023 15:02

@heartbroken26 you have a lovely friend OP. I know what this feels like and it's awful- I think I went nuts for a while- find your inner anger and hold it if you can- put yourself in the very best position you can as it doesn't sound good.

AllOfThemWitches · 04/02/2023 15:02

For God's sake, just bloody confront him when he gets home obviously.

MrsGhandi · 04/02/2023 15:03

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:24

Its random clubs? No bag? Could there me hope for me yet?

Now you are going to tell us you don't know what golf club he belongs to, right?

Bethany7 · 04/02/2023 15:05

Yes get your ducks in a row as they say and good luck O.P.
I'm glad you have a good friend to help you.

SpringtimeCherries · 04/02/2023 15:06

Don’t worry about ‘what you will do’ OP. I”m not sure ‘ducks in a row’ helps, as you have to:

  1. Find out what is really going on first, with some real proof, which might take a few weeks
  2. Process this all, grieve, get angry, get upset, find some way of coping

All before you then decide what to do.

AelinAshriver · 04/02/2023 15:07

If you confront him today - if he's up to something - all he will do is deny it then hide any evidence. Then you'll never know.

Agreed. Unfortunately I've been in a very similar position. I waited and found out everything I could. When I confronted DP, he lied as gaslit me. I even had photographic evidence but he lied and lied and hid and deleted WhatsApp.

Had he come clean and told me the truth when I confronted him, I could have worked on getting past it and worked on our relationship.

It's the fact he tried to deleted everything and gaslit me which broke us up. Had I not waited and collectes all the screenshots, he would have lied and I'd have believed him. He was very believable.

Wait it out OP. Do some digging. Get in his phone. Check his messages. You've got a good friend willing to help. Make sure you know what's what before you confront so you don't have the heartache I did.

NoGoodUsernamee · 04/02/2023 15:10

When he pulls up go outside & said ah! Friend is here & wants to buy her DH/dad whatever some golf clubs. Can you show her yours in the car & give her an idea?

BubziOwl · 04/02/2023 15:10

Fellow exclamation mark enthusiast here OP, but I try and tone it down for mumsnet as I feel like it's not the Done Thing here 🤣

I'm so sorry for you. I can only imagine how you feel, it must feel very unreal right now.

Tbh, I would assume he's genuinely doing to meet his friends tonight. Of course it's worth following him anyway, but if he is actually meeting them I don't think that disproves that he was up to no good earlier.

I think you need one more bit of hard evidence, purely for your own sanity and so you're totally sure in what you do next. Self-doubt is a killer in situations like this, as cheating partners will exploit that.

Then you need to confront him, but do not tell him what you know, or where he was seen etc. this just gives cheaters a chance to deny everything.

When you're certain, I would confront him and tell him he has to tell you everything or pack his bags. Don't tell him what you know, as you can then see if what he says tallies with the facts you already have. If it doesn't, you know he's still lying. Cheaters often like to admit half a truth, as they think saying something bad but maybe forgivable ("it was only one time, it was just meeting up/messages, we never had sex blah blah blah") will be enough to convince you not to dig further.

I will say it sounds like your friend is really lovely, I'm glad she's supporting you ❤️

OnlyOpenMouthToChangeFeet · 04/02/2023 15:10

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:00

Oh. Thank you, honestly. I didn't know, I thought was a way of showing anger, shock, concern. I so appreciate you letting me know. Even though my grammar should be the last thing on my mind. But thank you for saying it in a kind way

Show quote history

Actually OP, RunRun is wrong regarding the use of exclamation marks. They are at the end of a sentence or a short phrase which expresses very strong feeling, they are about emphasising a point. Although yes, you do overuse them and it's slightly irritating, you are actually using them in the correct context.

AllOfThemWitches · 04/02/2023 15:10

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NewShoesRub · 04/02/2023 15:13

OP if he arrives home with his golf bag & clubs and wearing a different colour top to what your friend saw then maybe there IS hope?
Us humans are very bad at being eye witnesses especially in a crowded place. That said, your friend sounds certain.

I agree with a poster up thread that you don't go golfing with a few clubs in your hand or borrow a golf bag there, you have to arrive at the golf course with your own golf bag and clubs.

DontLikeMenthols · 04/02/2023 15:15

Seriously instead of sitting him down - man you MARRIED and had CHILDREN with - and just saying ‘look, Emma saw you in town with a woman - I know you said you were at golf so what is going on?’ You have decided to get your friend to STALK him?!

you do see how insane that is right? It’s not healthy behaviour.

Cocobutt · 04/02/2023 15:16

This is classic MN.

OP posts that her friend saw her DH out with another woman and posters are saying what a great friend she is and how she should take photos or follow him etc.
for proof.

A couple of days ago the exact same situation occurred but it was the DH’s friend and every called him a weirdo, that he was in love with OP or DH, how the police needs to get involved and how DH should ditch the friend.

How can anyone get advice on here when the replies are so biased.

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP and like the other thread, I think your friend was right to tell you and I would have done the same.

I would not question him or act suspicious but I would try and get some more evidence in case he isn’t cheating.

BubziOwl · 04/02/2023 15:20

@Cocobutt on that thread, the friend deliberately misrepresented what OP was doing with her personal trainer, so it's not really the same situation... and there was also backstory regarding the friend!

KirstenBlest · 04/02/2023 15:22

Read up on The Script, @heartbroken26 .
There may be a completely innocent explanation, but if it's an affair, you won't.

There will be lots of things that seem slightly suspicious, but easily explained, like that little part of the golf course that has no mobile reception, or his phone was out of charge, or he didn't answer because he was driving, he was using his friend's clubs etc

CharlieBoo · 04/02/2023 15:25

Do NOT show your hand yet! He will find some explanation.. allow your friend to follow him and go from there.. good luck x

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