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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Could he be having an affair???

972 replies

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 11:41

Name changed for this!! I don't even know why im posting!! I don't know anything yet?! Im hoping it's all innocent!!

Today my husband told me he was going off to golf! No problem, it's a hobby he's taken up in the last 6 months and goes off most weekends! He always said it's a good de stresser as we have 2 children under 5, one of which is an baby. So of course I've had no reason to suspect anything untoward!!

My friend text me saying she's seen him with a woman shopping in the next town over!!! She doesn't think he saw her.

I don't know what to do, say, do I ring him? Do I confront him when he's home? I'm hoping my friend is wrong 😩

OP posts:
BridieConvert · 04/02/2023 13:57

FrangipaniBlue · 04/02/2023 12:27

I would do as a poster up thread says.

Let him tell you all about his day golfing. Let him dig a big hole.

Then casually drop in "wow, how amazing you managed all that without you clubs".

Again let him dig a bigger hole with an excuse before telling him he was seen.

Oh yes I like this idea!

Rookery1 · 04/02/2023 13:58

I know someone whose husband had a five year affair and she never suspected a thing. He had a hobby and just ended up going away for more and more days and weekends, even invented a new group of riders to go away with. She never asked any questions and it came out when someone from the group she knew saw him at an event with his AP. If you want to play the long game and find out more then start asking questions about where he will be, his golf mates etc and actually go and confirm he really isn’t there before confronting him.

ClaireEclair · 04/02/2023 13:58

RunRunRunRunRunaway · 04/02/2023 13:45

I'm not sure why im being called out for using exclamation marks! It's a habit! Is it bad? Short answer, OP - yes. It's bad. It makes all of your responses look like you think it's some kind of fun game. Exclamation marks usually mean lighthearted humour. They should be used sparingly, if at all, in most day-to-day written communications.

That's not to say I'm minimising the situation your find yourself in, but for the vast majority of pp, they wouldn't be using lots of !!! because it just gives the impression you think it's all a huge joke. Serious issues shouldn't use ! at all.

To me explanation marks are used when people are panicking, trying to make a point, annoyed…not generally when they’re having a laugh.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:00

RunRunRunRunRunaway · 04/02/2023 13:45

I'm not sure why im being called out for using exclamation marks! It's a habit! Is it bad? Short answer, OP - yes. It's bad. It makes all of your responses look like you think it's some kind of fun game. Exclamation marks usually mean lighthearted humour. They should be used sparingly, if at all, in most day-to-day written communications.

That's not to say I'm minimising the situation your find yourself in, but for the vast majority of pp, they wouldn't be using lots of !!! because it just gives the impression you think it's all a huge joke. Serious issues shouldn't use ! at all.

Oh. Thank you, honestly. I didn't know, I thought was a way of showing anger, shock, concern. I so appreciate you letting me know. Even though my grammar should be the last thing on my mind. But thank you for saying it in a kind way

OP posts:
YourGazeHitsTheSideOfMyFace · 04/02/2023 14:02

Blimey, the Swindon McArthur Glen is huge and always rammed on a Saturday. Thousands of people. Your friend must have superpowers. From most of the shops you can’t actually see out to the wide walkways when you’re inside, because of the window displays in the way. What are the chances of her seeing and recognising someone like that?

Wayk · 04/02/2023 14:03

It is an awful shock to get. Get your evidence, try and get hold of his phone. Get your ducks in a row. also be very kind to yourself. This is NOT your fault.

mcjudge · 04/02/2023 14:03

How did you're friend get back from their to yours so quickly?

Tyrannicalthreeyearold · 04/02/2023 14:06

OP there was a thread during lockdown where the OP found out her DH was cheating. She played the long game and played it gloriously. She must have been hurting so badly but my god she did herself justice. I wish I could find the the thread. I don't think I could have found my anger like that and poker faced like she did. It's up to you how you play it. Some men are despicable. Sorry this is happening to you. Really awful.
Some great advice and ideas on here. I'd just be aware of how they gas light and get upset not because of proclaimed love for you but at being found out.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:07

He's due home in less than an hour!! What do I do? I'm so torn

OP posts:
Rosellee · 04/02/2023 14:08

heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:07

He's due home in less than an hour!! What do I do? I'm so torn

How good are you at acting?

Mindymomo · 04/02/2023 14:10

Go out and greet him when he comes home to see if he’s got any bags or golfing gear/shoes. I’m afraid you should confront him, it’s going to eat you up not knowing what’s going on.

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:10

Rubbish at acting, especially when I'm feeling like this

OP posts:
MissST123 · 04/02/2023 14:10

I'm so sorry OP this must be so upsetting for you.
My advice would be try to get his phone if you can to have a good look at messages and calls ect.
Is he usually secretive with his phone? An ex of mine suddenly became very protective of his phone, wouldn't leave it for a second. That was the first sign he was cheating on me.

Queenofheart · 04/02/2023 14:11

Did your friend say how she thought they looked together, I’m just clutching at straws for you, but it could be a female friend helping look for a gift for you?

I think if it was me I would want more evidence, so hard as it was I would not say anything until I had had the chance to try and check his phone, maybe a few more instances where he says he’s going somewhere and he isn’t there?

crochetmonkey74 · 04/02/2023 14:11

I can never imagine the long game. I would not be able to do it. I think you do what a pp said and have an honest conversation today.

LavenderSloe · 04/02/2023 14:12

Honestly why are so many people on Mumsnet these days so determined to call out OPs as fake?

If you think it is, just don't reply. Or...play along. I'm not sure why someone would be sad enough to invent a cheating thread but, if they are, heck- let them put some joy in their clearly lacking lives.

Motnight · 04/02/2023 14:13

mcjudge · 04/02/2023 14:03

How did you're friend get back from their to yours so quickly?

She rushed, otherwise this thread would have lost momentum 😬

Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 14:13

Do a load of washing. Bring his clubs into the kitchen and use them as a clothes airer.. Say nothing.

Rosellee · 04/02/2023 14:13

The long game will challenge your mental health. You sound like the sort of person who needs to confront him immediately. Pay careful attention to what he says and don't let him use diversionary tactics.

MyEasterEggs · 04/02/2023 14:13

You ask him how he played without clubs. Then you ask him why he was spotted with another woman. There’s no point in playing Poirot. All this advice about checking phones etc…sounds like it’ll fill you with anxiety. You need answers to those questions and hopefully you’ll get honest ones. Will be thinking of you 💛

funnyoldonion · 04/02/2023 14:13

Careful he doesn’t wriggle out if it saying he leant golf clubs from someone or similar! Good luck!

Tyrannicalthreeyearold · 04/02/2023 14:14

Yes, I agree, as if she doesn't have enough to deal with @LavenderSloe

Original poster
heartbroken26 · 04/02/2023 14:17

I've never had reason to believe that he would ever do this, he's not been acting strange, or changed habits. Other than the golf of course. He's not secretive with his phone, but on the other hand he knows I never go near it, I've never needed to, I'm so sad. I'm hoping this is all a massive mistake. Also, I know nothing of Golf. I know he has several clubs. Could it be that he's just left some behind he didn't want to use or am I just clutching at straws here

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 04/02/2023 14:17

If its a shopping centre ring the customer services and aks them to put a tannoy out for him. If he answers tell him his stuff is in the garden.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 04/02/2023 14:18

I know others have said it, but just wanted to let you know I'll be thinking of you today. I've been there twice, once with a 15 month old. It was definitely one of the lowest points in my life as I also suspected nothing. But believe me, some day you will look back and realise what an absolute piece of shit he really is. Be kind to yourself and I'm glad your friend is coming to you.

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