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Original poster

My boyfriend has not told his mum I have a daughter? What should I do?

138 replies

Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:42

I’ve been dating my boyfriend almost a year and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has told his mum about me and even asked me to meet her and he would explain after that I had a daughter. I’ve met a couple times now and spent several hours with her but he still hasn’t told her. He knows it’s silly but he’s worried about how she will react. He said she’s quite emotional and hard to manage at times which I understand but if time goes on it’ll only get worse and might ruin our relationships. What do I say? Every time I mention him telling his mum (she’s staying with him for a week as he’s moved into a new flat) he says he feels I’m being unsupportive.

OP posts:
IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 01/02/2023 17:44

Sorry to say, but I don't think he's got any intention of telling his mum you've got a child. He's had almost a year to do so. It doesn't sound as though he sees a future with you.

TwilightSkies · 01/02/2023 17:44

Erm…..dump him. He sounds like a wet blanket. And if his mum is going to be so ‘emotional’ over the fact you have a child, do you really want to be involved with them?

nc1013 · 01/02/2023 17:45

I was a single parent when I met my DP. If he had behaved like this I would've assumed he was embarrassed by the fact his gf had a child. If that's the case he's not someone I would want to be with.

What age are you both?

Original poster
Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:46

I’m 25. He’s 30. I’ve spent weeks worrying thinking I’m selfish for constantly bringing it up. He wants to wait until she’s home so he can tell her when she’s not there which I think is awful.

OP posts:
nc1013 · 01/02/2023 17:51

If it's something he thinks his mum will look down on, surely the fact you've both lied/covered it will only solidify her view that it's a negative?

My DP told his mum around the time he told her he'd met someone, I assume when she was asking what I was like etc.

I met his mum over lunch about 6 months in. It would've been awkward not to mention my Dd in normal conversation:
His mum: have you got anything nice planned at the weekend?
Me: yes I'm doing x with my Dd...
His mum: Are toy going away on any holidays this year.
Me: yes, me & Dd are going to x in July.

How do you answer this type of question?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/02/2023 17:53

He wants to wait till she's home, because he has no plans to tell her. When she's home he'll have another excuse.
My exhusband calls what he is doing to you - telling people what they want to hear'; I call it lying.
He's obviously embarrassed that you have a child. Whether that's a deal breaker for you is up to you. Oh, and he's a liar. Again, your choice.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:53

Exactly what I worried about. I’ve been to see her twice and each time I’ve been quieter incase I said something. Felt I’m leading two separate lives. Went home early one day to collect my daughter from nursery and had to “lie” saying a man was coming for the boiler. I hated it and feel awful.

OP posts:
WestOfWestminster · 01/02/2023 17:56

Yeah I think this should be a deal breaker.

Tell her yourself and see how it goes?

Hoppinggreen · 01/02/2023 17:57

Either he has no intention of having a future with you or he’s a pathetic Mummies boy
Possibly both
Dump him

LIZS · 01/02/2023 17:59

He expects you to lie about your dc to cover his backside. What sort of man does that?

nc1013 · 01/02/2023 17:59

WestOfWestminster · 01/02/2023 17:56

Yeah I think this should be a deal breaker.

Tell her yourself and see how it goes?

Exactly this.

Or next time you need to leave to pick up your DC, just say "oh, got to go. I'm picking my DC up from nursery"

Then you're already leaving and will give them a chance to talk about it.

Thats if you want to give him a chance. Personally I'd find a 30 yr old man who is scared of his mummy's reaction a bit of a turn off anyway

Quitelikeacatslife · 01/02/2023 18:00

He's 30 for goodness sake and your DD is part of you , if she doesn't like that then tough. I'd not lie ever again. If you meet her again tell him you are telling her (not big announcement but in passing ) what actual business is it of hers, what does he think she will do? What a man child

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 01/02/2023 18:04

Why would you lie about having to go home to see the man about the boiler? That would have been an opportunity to say you'd got to fetch your little girl.

You sound really weak. Get rid of him and work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't be covering up having a child.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 18:08

I am weak. You’re right. I should have said something.

OP posts:
nc1013 · 01/02/2023 18:10

Also just to add, that as well as my DP telling his mum when he first mentioned that he was dating someone.....

He had previously mentioned to me that his parents were quite conservative/traditional, just generally a bit 'old school'

I jokingly said "wait til they find out you're going out with a cougar who is a divorced mum" (the cougar bit is an ongoing joke, I'm only a year older). He laughed and said "if she doesn't like it she can lump it" or a slightly less polite version of that....

Has your bf met your Dd? If so and he still wants to keep her secret I find that even harder to accept (not even sure why).

TicketBoo23 · 01/02/2023 18:11

Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:53

Exactly what I worried about. I’ve been to see her twice and each time I’ve been quieter incase I said something. Felt I’m leading two separate lives. Went home early one day to collect my daughter from nursery and had to “lie” saying a man was coming for the boiler. I hated it and feel awful.

Why did you do that?

Why has it become an issue - something hidden?

Has he said "my Mum would take it badly" ..... If that's the case do you really want to invest more time in a relationship in which your eventual MIL is prejudiced against you and had a problem with you because you have one child? If it's such an issue for her, how is it just going to fade away?

Moreover .... Issue for her or not, he's being extremely dishonest and hiding it/lying about it by omission. Is not going to make things better, it's going to make things worse. Since she knows you have been seeing each other a while and you are now both lying by omission to her.

He sounds cowardly, deeply immature and odd.

TicketBoo23 · 01/02/2023 18:13

You sound like you have issues with boundaries and standards.

He can have sex with you I'm sure, he can manage that. ... So he has access to your body intimately but "can't" tell his Mum the truth that you have a child.

TicketBoo23 · 01/02/2023 18:14

As it stands you are both more of less denying your child's existence ... ... Things should never be like this.

RingRingRingGoesTheTelephone · 01/02/2023 18:16

I'd have just told her in conversation when you had to go and pick your daughter up, your daughter isn't some shameful secret you have to hide, why go along with this? If your boyfriend or his family can't accept you have a daughter there's no relationship to discuss here.

I think I'd dump him just on the basis that he sounds immature to be honest.

FurAndFeathers · 01/02/2023 18:23

Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:53

Exactly what I worried about. I’ve been to see her twice and each time I’ve been quieter incase I said something. Felt I’m leading two separate lives. Went home early one day to collect my daughter from nursery and had to “lie” saying a man was coming for the boiler. I hated it and feel awful.

Just refuse to lie. Mention your daughter as you normally would. Hiding your child is bizarre and his expectation that you deny your child’s existence and lie to his mum to ‘support’ him is selfish and bizarre

LadyT27 · 01/02/2023 18:24

I don’t want this to sound harsh but I am judging you more than him.
How could you pretend your daughter doesn’t exist. I think you need to get your priorities right. I would have left him on the first request to pretend I didn’t have a child.

Also, regardless of what he says about him mum, surely she’ll be more pissed off later than it was hid from her!

samqueens · 01/02/2023 18:37

Exhibit A:

  • A man who lies to those close to him if he thinks it’ll make his life easier.
  • A man who has such little respect for you and your child that he can’t even bring himself to publicly acknowledge you as a unit.
  • A man who is so afraid of his mother’s opinion and judgement that he would rather lie.
  • A man who is also happy to insist you lie about who you are, what you’ve been through and the existence of your child.
  • A man who guilt trips you and plays the victim if you don’t want to go along with his dishonesty (YOU are being unsupportive?!?! the irony is clearly lost on him)

This has red flags ALL over it. Just dump and move on.

Better yet, go over while his mum is staying and sit down with them both. Apologise to her for not being upfront and explain your situation and that, while you initially really liked your boyfriend, you just can’t be involved with someone who is so ashamed of you and can’t trust someone who has no issue lying to others. Then leave with your head held high!!

Let him deal with the fallout. Maybe his mum is a judgemental cow. Maybe she’s actually not - in which case it would be good for her to know the man she’s raised. I’d absolutely want to know if my son was treating someone so terribly.

Cocobutt · 01/02/2023 18:47

If she’s staying there for only a week wait until she goes home and then say he needs to tell her by X date.

She sounds very difficult and I get not wanting to deal with her when they’re living together but I’d be concerned about his commitment to this relationship and whether he actually sees it lasting.

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 19:35

IheardYouButDontWantToAnswer · 01/02/2023 18:04

Why would you lie about having to go home to see the man about the boiler? That would have been an opportunity to say you'd got to fetch your little girl.

You sound really weak. Get rid of him and work on your self-esteem. You shouldn't be covering up having a child.

This.

OP, you are both denying your child.

That is so sad.

He's ashamed of you🙄 and a twat, but that child is yours, how could you colude in that.

This is not a man to bring near your child.

Dump him.

Your poor little mite.

Fladdermus · 01/02/2023 19:40

This man thinks your daughter is shameful and is therefore hiding her existence. Think about that OP. The existence of you beautiful little girl embarrasses him. Why the hell have you tolerated this for a second, let alone a year?