Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend has not told his mum I have a daughter? What should I do?

138 replies

Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:42

I’ve been dating my boyfriend almost a year and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has told his mum about me and even asked me to meet her and he would explain after that I had a daughter. I’ve met a couple times now and spent several hours with her but he still hasn’t told her. He knows it’s silly but he’s worried about how she will react. He said she’s quite emotional and hard to manage at times which I understand but if time goes on it’ll only get worse and might ruin our relationships. What do I say? Every time I mention him telling his mum (she’s staying with him for a week as he’s moved into a new flat) he says he feels I’m being unsupportive.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:42

He can afford to be generous op. No offence but it’s not a huge sacrifice to him to spend on you and your daughter. He earns a v good salary. The very least he can do is give you and more importantly your child the respect she is due.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 07/02/2023 23:43

This is true. When I spend money on him it’s more of a sacrifice to me.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:45

I think at the end of the day OP the reality is he isn’t serious about your relationship. And I’m sorry but the reason he hasn’t told his mum is that he thinks she won’t approve and he can’t bear the row. You deserve better.

holierthanthou73 · 07/02/2023 23:49

And the OP is probably still seeing despite advice

Original poster
Foodx123 · 07/02/2023 23:55

I live 25 miles away , haven’t seen him yet - said I’m not prepared to until he tells his mother. Which he hasn’t…she’s home now from the cleaning week at his flat. What’s he waiting for??

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 07/02/2023 23:58

Foodx123 · 07/02/2023 23:55

I live 25 miles away , haven’t seen him yet - said I’m not prepared to until he tells his mother. Which he hasn’t…she’s home now from the cleaning week at his flat. What’s he waiting for??

Sorry OP he is never gonna tell her. He has zero intentions of telling her. Is his mother quite traditional in outlook?

BadNomad · 07/02/2023 23:59

Oh OP. He hasn't told her because he doesn't think there is a reason to tell her. He doesn't see your relationship as that serious.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:00

She’s Catholic - but that’s all I know really.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:05

Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:00

She’s Catholic - but that’s all I know really.

As the daughter of an Irish catholic mother with several successful sons, NO ONE is good enough for them, not even their equally successful wives. She may be sympathetic to you personally OP but she is unlikely to be supportive of a relationship between her son the doctor and you. That’s obvs not my thoughts but I have some insight here.

Hoplesscynic · 08/02/2023 00:06

Nah, just dump him OP. He's had so many chances and he'd rather string you along or even lose you than tell his bloody mum. A grown man, a doctor...wow
What's he scared of, that she'd "forbid" him to continue the relationship and he'd have to do as told... or that she'd never come back to clean his flat again😂

Original poster
Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:20

I said to him and this is a massive issue that could have bug repercussions and his response was literally “Why?
Why does it make so much difference if my parents know or not”

not sure what to say to that

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:30

Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:20

I said to him and this is a massive issue that could have bug repercussions and his response was literally “Why?
Why does it make so much difference if my parents know or not”

not sure what to say to that

Honestly he is telling you this is not serious. Dump him and move on. This is going nowhere. Have more respect for yourself and the little one.

samqueens · 08/02/2023 00:37

How about:

“Because it is disrespectful to me and my DD.

It also shows that you have no intention of committing to me long term, as you can’t possibly be suggesting there’s a serious future ahead of us when you know that means at some point admitting to your mum we have been lying to her about something this important for months/years.

I am not happy with how all this reflects on me as a mother or as a person. The fact that you are comfortable with the way it reflects on you is a huge red flag. Therefore, as you’ve not able to be honest about your life with your mum I can only conclude that honesty isn’t one of your values.

The way you’re behaving tells me everything I need to know. I also have my daughter to consider and don’t want her becoming attached to someone who is making the short term nature of this relationship so incredibly clear. Nor who sets such a reprehensible example.

Dishonesty and disrespect are both deal breakers for me.”

(TBH a doctor who says “why” when you tell him this is important isn’t actually asking for an answer to that question, except so he can twist your words around.
What you’ll discover in the fullness of time of that he’s an abusive narcissist who will tell you black is white and that you’re unreasonable all the live long day if it suits him. He will undercut your self esteem, nothing will ever be his fault and you’ll never be able to trust him.
Oh wait - he already did ALL those things. You didn’t have to wait very long after all.
You can’t change him OP. You can only protect yourself and your DD. Good luck)

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 00:39

not sure what to say to that

"Got it."

samqueens · 08/02/2023 00:44

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 00:39

not sure what to say to that

"Got it."

^^

This is much more succinct. Would add - “please don’t contact me again.”

Eyerollcentral · 08/02/2023 00:51

samqueens · 08/02/2023 00:44

^^

This is much more succinct. Would add - “please don’t contact me again.”

Show quote history

Yep. The man is clearly not an idiot. He knows fine rightly why it’s important. There is nothing more to say. Don’t send a long explaining message, he’ll just dismiss you as mad. Just blank him.

BadNomad · 08/02/2023 01:09

I actually remember your other thread. This man has always been reluctant when it comes to your daughter. Didn't want to meet her. Isn't sure he wants to be a stepfather. Doesn't normally date women with children. I really do think he has made it clear that he doesn't see your daughter in his future. I think he's just using his mother as an excuse. It is him who has the issue with you having a child.

SLS500 · 08/02/2023 05:27

Easily solved, next time you see her tell her yourself 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your relationship ends it would have done anyway, better now than later

SLS500 · 08/02/2023 05:33

your bar is very low, but you owe it to your daughter to raise it.

You are her example , it's your job to

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/02/2023 06:29

Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:20

I said to him and this is a massive issue that could have bug repercussions and his response was literally “Why?
Why does it make so much difference if my parents know or not”

not sure what to say to that

How can you not know what to say? She's your child, you're lying about having to see her and won't be mentioning her in conversation. You're her mother. Why would you pretend like she doesn't exist to please your bf around his mother?

PortiasBiscuit · 08/02/2023 06:38

Foodx123 · 08/02/2023 00:20

I said to him and this is a massive issue that could have bug repercussions and his response was literally “Why?
Why does it make so much difference if my parents know or not”

not sure what to say to that

Er, “Good Bye!” seems to cover it?

iCouldSleepForAYear · 08/02/2023 06:52

What is she going to do once she learns you have a child? Shoot him??

If her reaction is that bad, would you really want that woman to be in your daughter's life as a step-grandma?

No matter how old you were when you had your child, and no matter how the relationship went with the child's biological dad, you have nothing to be ashamed of. And you're the one who's actually been through the challenge of pregnancy, birth, and raising a kid. You're a young, single mum kicking ass and learning a new trade that will contribute to the public good. That's not easy to juggle. You should be proud of who you are.

He thinks he has something to be ashamed of and hide about you? Please.

Life is too short to bring guys like these along.

ExtraJalapenos · 08/02/2023 06:56

I'm the nicest possible way OP, he's ashamed of your child.

Usually you'd lead with 'I'm seeing someone, their name is, they have X year old kid'

If he doesn't want to tell her, that's his issue. But you should NEVER have lied. That's your child. And you should have made that clear from day 1.

Bin this c**t. I couldn't be with someone with so little respect for me and only dhame at the existence of my child. Its pretty fucking disgusting

ExtraJalapenos · 08/02/2023 06:56

Shame*

supercali77 · 08/02/2023 07:03

Tell him you don't go out with men who can't put on their big boy pants and tell the truth to mummy