My boyfriend has not told his mum I have a daughter? What should I do?

[Foodx123]

I’ve been dating my boyfriend almost a year and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has told his mum about me and even asked me to meet her and he would explain after that I had a daughter. I’ve met a couple times now and spent several hours with her but he still hasn’t told her. He knows it’s silly but he’s worried about how she will react. He said she’s quite emotional and hard to manage at times which I understand but if time goes on it’ll only get worse and might ruin our relationships. What do I say? Every time I mention him telling his mum (she’s staying with him for a week as he’s moved into a new flat) he says he feels I’m being unsupportive.

Ditch him, he doesn’t care about you or your daughter.

After he’s gone you should really be forgetting about getting involved with men and 100% concentrating on your relationship with your little girl from now on.

What ? You don't do anything OP except tell him to F himself and leave.

Grown man afraid of his mum? Wtf. You can do better

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Enormous red flag

You don’t want to lie and he clearly finds it a breeze.

For crying out loud, you are unsupportive because he did fuck all to sort the situation for over a YEAR?! This child man does not deserve you and it will not get better. What kind of person has to keep a secret like this, unless his mother is a psychopath who kills all his girlfriends?

If I were you, @Foodx123, I'd be wondering (a) what he's also hiding from you, in case you "take it badly" and (b) why he dislikes your toddler so much that he denies her existence completely!

Is it because she's not his child, but another man's - presumably meaning that he has issues with you having lived a life before him? If you and he were to have a child together... might he have weird issues over telling his mother about it, too? My son's father didn't tell his parents that I was pregnant until I was 6.5 months along - and he only told them when he did, then, because I forced the issue somewhat (they already knew about my then 8 year old daughter, because he and I were old friends from school - and they knew the paternal grandparents, anyway). My son's father turned out to have a habit of lying about things by omission - like most cowards/liars do - and it got to the point that I couldn't have him around my children on a daily basis... because my oldest? Took to copying him, thinking it was perfectly normal behaviour. Because she told lies. she had no real friends throughout school, college, uni, and even work, most of the family don't trust a word she says, and at 27, she's still pretending the sky's green, not blue. As her mother, her loneliness and confusion as to why people she thought were her friends (and were until they caught her in a lie or three) no longer want to know her, hurts. Deeply. Think about your toddler, if you can't think of yourself.

She deserves to be acknowledged - and you deserve a partner who will acknowledge you both!

You lied about having a child.
My judgment is for you.
You should never have agreed to this.

This is ridiculous. He should have just told her.
But you should also have mentioned her at some point in the conversation when you've met her. You covered up having a daughter. Why??

My advice to you would be to dump him because he tells lies of omission and it sounds like he has a dysfunctional relationship with his Mum which you would get embroiled in as time goes on.
And then, once you've done that, do some serious work on yourself - building your self-esteem and self-worth.

OP - there is an enormous difference between being weak and being vulnerable. (Some of the comments here are not helping with that distinction).

You don’t sound weak to me.

You sound as though you have been through a lot, you met someone at a point in your life when you were, and continue to be, extraordinarily vulnerable. He has manipulated and gaslit you into thinking you need to support his (extremely poor) choices.

The fact that you feel deeply troubled by the situation, you don’t want to perpetuate it and you have reached out for a sanity/reality check do not indicate weakness.

You haven’t posted about your previous relationship, but given your DD is 2 and you met your boyfriend a year ago I think we can safely infer that your DD’s father wasn’t wonderful to be with.

You have been through A LOT. Do not let some of the comments here lead you to turn your worries inwards. Don’t waste valuable energy beating yourself up.

You can do this. Stand up for yourself and your daughter. (You know you want to!)

💪🏼💪🏼

PS Parenting alone is a lot easier than trying to do it while your partner drags you down - whatever form that takes. And if you want to future proof yourself read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? which you can download on kindle app. It’s very insightful and, I found it to be enormously helpful in spotting red flags much earlier.

This man does not respect you or your child

He puts his mother above you & your child

He is not treating you like an equal

You are not 16, you are a strong, capable, responsible mother, woman

You should stand for none of this nonsense any longer !

I would end this relationship today

I wouldn’t be happy about this at all. When I got with my ex (father of DS2 and DD) I had an 8yr old child. Ex’s parents were very religious and were not happy at all and he left before he got thrown out. So he was prepared to tell them despite knowing the reaction. They did come round 6 months or so later, and then always loved me, I’m the only person in the family they’ve never fell out with and we still stay in touch despite me splitting with ex over 10yrs ago. So no, I wouldn’t be impressed

Worried about how to tell her because she is pushy and judgy
Didn't tell her
Have blown it up into a bigger issue by not telling her

Classic avoidance spiral. It just needs dealing with and will be a relief for both of you. Push the issue.

Thank you xx

Get rid of him.

Get some self respect - he has made you hide your own child.

You need to dump him. He's made this into too much of an issue now. His mum might have accepted your child or might not, but you've got no hope of a decent relationship with her now as you've both been lying to her for a year.

You do not want to date someone who is treating your lovely child like a dirty secret.

He knows he is going to get a negative reaction and doesn't want to deal with it, that is why he hasn't said anything.

I can’t believe that you’ve basically written your child out of instance for a man. That’s not normal.

Such very odd behaviour on your part.

The fact that his mother is staying for a week because he’s moving flats is also odd. What’s she doing there? I’m guessing the cleaning.

Plus, you 100% know this man is a liar. I’d be asking myself what else he’s lying about.

The total cynic in me would be asking why he doesn’t want anyone to know that he is or is likely to be in close proximity with a child.

What should you do? You should dump him and find a better partner.

Just to clarify. We’ve been dating nearly a year but she only knew about me a couple months ago. But yes he should have told her then.

If she's so awful that he's scared to death of telling her because she'll hit the roof then run like the fucking wind.
Can you imagine your life with that as your mil?

His friends know and have from the start. Just too scared to tell his mother.

Just bring it up in front of her and then pretend it was an accident. He can deal.

I think you are being as strange as he is. You are the child’s parent and denying her existence ! Phone her up, invite her for coffee, say you really want her to meet your daughter. If she reacts badly then time to rethink your relationship.