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Original poster

My boyfriend has not told his mum I have a daughter? What should I do?

138 replies

Foodx123 · 01/02/2023 17:42

I’ve been dating my boyfriend almost a year and I have a 2 year old from a previous relationship. My boyfriend has told his mum about me and even asked me to meet her and he would explain after that I had a daughter. I’ve met a couple times now and spent several hours with her but he still hasn’t told her. He knows it’s silly but he’s worried about how she will react. He said she’s quite emotional and hard to manage at times which I understand but if time goes on it’ll only get worse and might ruin our relationships. What do I say? Every time I mention him telling his mum (she’s staying with him for a week as he’s moved into a new flat) he says he feels I’m being unsupportive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:42

She came and stayed to help with cleaning and then left and came back and she’s been there for almost a week which is bizarre. I offered to go there Friday and we sit down and say I’ve got a daughter but he was not in favour of that option.

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 04/02/2023 16:45

You've got a mummy's boy. He will always put her and her feelings first. Always. You and your daughter will always come second regardless of whether the relationship progresses. I would not do that to myself, never mind my daughter.

JizzlordTheCat · 04/02/2023 16:45

So now that you’re posted this thread and have received so many responses telling you this isn’t right, what are you going to do?

Original poster
Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:47

So, his mum has gone home and he did not tell her because in his words “he can’t be bothered to deal with the backlash” he knows she may react bad. I’ve laid down how serious this is and I can not continue to date him if he doesn’t tell her as soon as possible. He said that I am showing no compassion as he is clearly struggling to tell her haha. So I said I don’t want to see him.

OP posts:
dumbstruckdumptruck · 04/02/2023 16:48

JizzlordTheCat · 04/02/2023 16:45

So now that you’re posted this thread and have received so many responses telling you this isn’t right, what are you going to do?

She'll do whatever the heck she wants – this is mumsnet, not a sentencing jury.

Christ almighty.

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 16:48

Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:42

She came and stayed to help with cleaning and then left and came back and she’s been there for almost a week which is bizarre. I offered to go there Friday and we sit down and say I’ve got a daughter but he was not in favour of that option.

That would be the end for me (well for me the end would have been the moment he denied her existence/asked me to). If he's not going to do it now, when will he.

After your very first post I said he was a mummy's boy. Now you've just said she's spent a week helping him clean. AT 30 YEARS OLD

RealeyesRealizeReallies · 04/02/2023 16:48

This relationship is doomed.

Put your child first! You are all she has!

And if you did ever get married/pregnant. What then?

Please rethink this 'relationship'. It will not have a happy ending, if it carries along this path.

nc1013 · 04/02/2023 16:49

Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:47

So, his mum has gone home and he did not tell her because in his words “he can’t be bothered to deal with the backlash” he knows she may react bad. I’ve laid down how serious this is and I can not continue to date him if he doesn’t tell her as soon as possible. He said that I am showing no compassion as he is clearly struggling to tell her haha. So I said I don’t want to see him.

Well done OP. He cares more about his mums reaction to a perfectly normal and common situation than he does about you. You and your Dd both deserve better Flowers

viques · 04/02/2023 16:51

Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:42

She came and stayed to help with cleaning and then left and came back and she’s been there for almost a week which is bizarre. I offered to go there Friday and we sit down and say I’ve got a daughter but he was not in favour of that option.

Of course he wasn’t in favour.He has been lying to her (as have you by omission) . He doesn’t want to sit there and tell her about his deceit to her face , I expect he is looking for a way to make it all your fault anyway, and that story would be easier to tell without you sitting there too. The ball is in your court, you have to woman up and tell her.

viques · 04/02/2023 16:55

Seen your update. Well done, you deserve a partner in your life who treats you and your child with love and respect, not to take on a man child who can’t even do his own cleaning. The days are long gone when single parents were expected to be grateful and put up with shit from any inadequate man who deigned to look at them .

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2023 16:55

Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 16:47

So, his mum has gone home and he did not tell her because in his words “he can’t be bothered to deal with the backlash” he knows she may react bad. I’ve laid down how serious this is and I can not continue to date him if he doesn’t tell her as soon as possible. He said that I am showing no compassion as he is clearly struggling to tell her haha. So I said I don’t want to see him.

I'll repeat what I said upthread.
I know men like this. I was married to one. They NEVER do what they say they are going to do, what you want them to do. They'll just delay and delay forever with platitudes.

JizzlordTheCat · 04/02/2023 16:58

dumbstruckdumptruck · 04/02/2023 16:48

She'll do whatever the heck she wants – this is mumsnet, not a sentencing jury.

Christ almighty.

Show quote history

Untwist your knickers there, Dumpy.

You seem to have mistaken a question for an order.

custardbear · 04/02/2023 17:02

She's probably like my MIL, FIL can be difficult too at times. Their kids find it easier to keep from saying stuff as they'll judge and have opinions that they'll mither on. One biggie was my BIL had a baby out of wedlock and they couldn't come to terms with that 🤯
I also wonder if she'd bleat on about it to him and try to split you up ... but saying that he needs to stand up for himself and what he wants in his life, and support you as his girlfriend

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 04/02/2023 17:07

I’d be tempted to tell him that you won’t be lying about or avoiding mentioning your daughter anymore around his mum. Then he can decide which way he wants that to go.

I be having massive question marks about getting in a relationship more serious with someone that was incapable of being truthful with their mum because of their concern about her reaction. I wouldn’t want to be dragged into a weird mother/son dynamic like that.

EyesOnThePies · 04/02/2023 17:12

Just drop it into conversation with his Mum.

If she has a frothing fit, so be it. If he reacts badly, so be it.

Your Dd is not a dirty secret. It’s a normal topic of conversation. If your Dd can’t be talked about you have no relationship.

Stressfordays · 04/02/2023 17:17

Just dump him. What is the point in this? He is 30 years old, what kind of dating pool does he really think he has? Or more to the point his Mum thinks he has? Past the age of 25, it is likely to meet someone who already has children.

MingeofDeath · 04/02/2023 17:20

Ditch the mummy's boy asap.

Zombiemama84 · 04/02/2023 17:33

So what if the mum has only known about you for a couple of months. You have let this man into your child’s life for nearly a year and he ‘can’t be bothered’ to tell his mum about your daughter? I’m assuming your daughter is the most important thing in your life yet she’s being treated like a dirty little secret?
i had two children when I met my partner (he has two also) our parents buy for the other children birthdays and Christmas, I dont think his Nan has actually met my children as I’ve only really seen her Boxing Days when we spend Boxing Day with the in laws and my children are at their dads then (she may have seen them briefly) but still treats them well at Christmas. Is he as useless in other aspects of your relationship? Does he join in with days out with you and your daughter or just want to see you when she’s not around?

billy1966 · 04/02/2023 17:33

You are well rid.

He's a weak scared liar that has strung you along.

He's ashamed of you and he knows his mother will cause a ruckus.

This is who he is.
This is who he will always be.

Both you and your child deserve so much better.

Your daughter deserves more than to be his dirty little secret.

HE is not good enough to be in HER life.

Stay strong.

Original poster
Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 17:40

He stays around my house a lot and we actually spend a lot of time together with her.

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 04/02/2023 17:41

I think you've done the right thing. It doesn't sound as if he thinks he needs to lay the ground for a permanent relationship but as if he's assuming things won't last between you. If that's not true, then he needs to prove it.

Twiglets1 · 04/02/2023 17:46

This reflects extremely badly on him. I won’t tell you how to deal with him but personally I would not find his behaviour acceptable. Your daughter is nothing to be ashamed of and if his mum doesn’t like the fact of her existence then tough!

Bertha21 · 04/02/2023 17:47

I would definitely drop it into conversation as you are leaving. Let them discuss it. If you never hear from him again you have your answer!

Seaoftroubles · 04/02/2023 17:58

The fact he spends a lot of time with your daughter at your house and yet is still concealing her existence is even worse! Dump him and work on your self respect and your boundaries.

billy1966 · 04/02/2023 18:10

Foodx123 · 04/02/2023 17:40

He stays around my house a lot and we actually spend a lot of time together with her.

So he's a user loser who is ashamed of your child while happy to use her mother?

Is he extremely generous and really contributes or tight?

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