Close male friend's partner doesn't seem to like me

neverendingqueue · 2023-01-31T16:43:59+00:00

Amd it's affecting out friendship. We're friends for over ten years. I was married and even when I was , our friendship never changed. We work together. Friend and I are always texting and chatting And confide in each other about the usual bits and pieces in life. He is with partner four years and they are happy and live together. He is asexual, she isn't but has accepted this is the way things are. Their business. I've met her once. My friend and I were chatting and laughing about something. My own partner was there too but at the bar at the time. She physically moved her body in between the two of us , put her arms around his waist and started talking to him... literally her back to me. He was mortified and so was I so I quickly moved away. The rest of the night she literallly hung off him making sure we couldn't talk. It was weird . I was due with another friend to dry at theirs for a night out recently . Other friend could t make it so he cancelled it. Cancelled me coming on my own which we would always have done previously. He was a little mcomfortable saying it . I was fine and didn't acknowledge how unusual it was for us but it transpires that she wasn't going to be there so maybe she would t allow it . I'm ten years older than him, absolutely no threat whatsoever , plain and a bit frumpy. She is gorgous and glam So no jealousy there I expect 😂 What do you think happened ? He won't ' go there' with me.

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 16:45

stay at theirs ..

OP posts:

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 16:50

I should add that prior to him meeting her he developed a big crush on me but I spoke with him and asked for us to pull back, which we did.
I doubt very much he told her this !
Anyway this was 6-7 years ago and there's been a lot of water under the bridge since.
I don't text him as much anymore but he does

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category12 · 31/01/2023 16:54

Sounds like she feels very threatened by your friendship.

You do know a lot about their relationship - more than I'd probably be comfortable with, if I were her.

I guess her sense of intimacy with him may feel a bit fragile if they don't have a sexual relationship, when she isn't asexual herself.

category12 · 31/01/2023 16:55

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 16:50

I should add that prior to him meeting her he developed a big crush on me but I spoke with him and asked for us to pull back, which we did.
I doubt very much he told her this !
Anyway this was 6-7 years ago and there's been a lot of water under the bridge since.
I don't text him as much anymore but he does

Ah she may be picking up on things he's said, discussions they've had.

And you don't have to be the best looking woman in the room to be a threat, (see Camilla vs Diana).

YouAreNotBatman · 31/01/2023 17:42

Either she is already a insecure person and /or them being in a non-sexual relationship, while she’s an allo, must be making her even more insecure.

Women often put their value on fuckabily, so this must be pretty confusing for her.

Doesn’t make it right to treat you badly though.

Opentooffers · 31/01/2023 18:27

He's a strange fellow isn't he? I wonder what it means to him to develop a crush on someone if you are asexual? Any chance he has claimed that after the crush and since being with his partner?
Not sure I'm buying the asexual line tbh, it could be just his way to claim you'd be safe with him as a friend without fear of him hitting on you and so that you stay friends. Also its possible it's him trying to make out they aren't sexual because he thinks that might put you off him and he likes to think he might still be a future option with you.
If he is indeed asexual, then that pretty much means there is not much difference between your relationship and hers with him, so I can see why she'd be concerned about that.
Sounds a bit like he is playing you off against each other. It's weird of her to try and have a relationship with someone asexual if she's not, it's a non-starter and doomed from the start. He would know that it would be hard for you to verify this with her, but my bet is he's telling you porkies and it would be news to her that they are asexual.
I'd be inclined to risk the friendship and have a woman to woman chat with her. It's a false friendship anyway if one person is in it for the feelings they have, rather than in the name of friendship. You could both find the chat enlightening.

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 31/01/2023 18:33

Well if he's asexual then it's all about the emotional connection isn't it, so why wouldn't she be threatened.

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 31/01/2023 18:36

@Opentooffers I agree with open to offers @neverendingqueue If he's really asexual then there's not a massive difference between their relationship and your friendship.

He didn't need to tell you he's asexual. That might embarrass her. I think somehow it's disloyal to her. Even if your friendship is not much different from his relationship, it's private that they don't have sex, but he told you. That's a bit shabby.

CalistoNoSolo · 31/01/2023 18:43

I actually feel very sorry for your friends wife. She is probably feeling very insecure anyway due to the sexless marriage, and she doesn't even get the status of being the most important person in your friends life. From what you've written it's not your fault, but if I was her I wouldn't like you either.

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:43

Just to clarify
He told me years ago that he was asexual and when they began dating and didn't know one another too well he did discuss it with me then.
I know she's found it hurtful and frustrating and she's tried to change him sexually.
Her dealbreaker was always kids. What's saddest there is that she has accepted that she won't be having kids which is just enormous I think.
He absolutely loves her although he recently told me that his wish for this year is to get to know her better despite being together for years... as well as some other hopes for the year too.
She would like marriage but he is very wealthy so I know he is a bit worried about that in that she is not.
I'm just disappointed our friendship is strained a bit now.
He talks to our other colleagues about her but not really me anymore.
I guess she just doesn't like me and I really did try to make that bond with her !

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feelingcadoubleledlove · 31/01/2023 19:45

YouAreNotBatman · 31/01/2023 17:42

Either she is already a insecure person and /or them being in a non-sexual relationship, while she’s an allo, must be making her even more insecure.

Women often put their value on fuckabily, so this must be pretty confusing for her.

Doesn’t make it right to treat you badly though.

An allo? 🤦‍♀️

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:47

Yes... what is an allo please ?

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category12 · 31/01/2023 19:48

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:43

Just to clarify
He told me years ago that he was asexual and when they began dating and didn't know one another too well he did discuss it with me then.
I know she's found it hurtful and frustrating and she's tried to change him sexually.
Her dealbreaker was always kids. What's saddest there is that she has accepted that she won't be having kids which is just enormous I think.
He absolutely loves her although he recently told me that his wish for this year is to get to know her better despite being together for years... as well as some other hopes for the year too.
She would like marriage but he is very wealthy so I know he is a bit worried about that in that she is not.
I'm just disappointed our friendship is strained a bit now.
He talks to our other colleagues about her but not really me anymore.
I guess she just doesn't like me and I really did try to make that bond with her !

God, that poor woman. She really needs to leave the guy. She's giving up so much to be with him, and he's still viewing her like a golddigger. Grim.

And he's your friend? Seems a bloody swine.

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:50

He doesn't view her as a gold digger whatsoever . He is very generous but he has inherited some houses and land and she lives completely free with him but he knows that he stands to lose a lot of family inheritance if it doesn't work.

OP posts:

ReamsOfCheese · 31/01/2023 19:50

feelingcadoubleledlove · 31/01/2023 19:45

An allo? 🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

Maybe she's from Ze French Resistance...

category12 · 31/01/2023 19:54

She's giving up a sex-life, having kids and he's worried about his inheritance. 🙄

Maybe he's not using the word gold-digger, but it's the inference. He's all about him.

She's really making a huge mistake and I wish she had friends telling her so.

Original poster

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:58

They seem really happy together and he knows that being asexual is going to be unattractive to many. He did tell her from the beginning that sex was off the cards and while he loves her and his body , the physical acts surrounding sex with women repulse him.
It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach.
I thought he may have been gay but he says he's not.

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Sunset6 · 31/01/2023 20:03

Allosexual means anybody who isn’t asexual apparently. You learn something new every day!

category12 · 31/01/2023 20:03

Not that happy if she feels that insecure she has to physically get between you. He's happy, maybe.

She's maybe fooling herself it's enough.

I feel sorry for her. Especially if he's not even wholehearted enough about it enough to want to share his wealth.

StreamingCervix · 31/01/2023 20:07

I feel terribly sorry for her. Your friend sounds like he’s a dick to her.

being asexual doesn’t have to mean childless, so if he doesn’t want sex or children with her then the relationship should come to a close.

IWishIWasABaller · 31/01/2023 20:11

Sounds like your friend should use some of his wealth and invest in some serious therapy

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 20:14

this is all very weird, so he’s likely gay and she’s his beard. It’s really a competition between which one of you gets to be his mate, as that’s what you both are.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/01/2023 20:21

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 19:58

They seem really happy together and he knows that being asexual is going to be unattractive to many. He did tell her from the beginning that sex was off the cards and while he loves her and his body , the physical acts surrounding sex with women repulse him.
It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach.
I thought he may have been gay but he says he's not.

That doesn't sound like asexual tbf. A sexual usually have little or no sexual attraction to others. Sounds like he does but has a sexual aversion.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 31/01/2023 20:22

Also yes, if she is giving up sex, marriage and kids to be with him, she needs to leave.

gamerchick · 31/01/2023 20:22

He sounds like a right dickhead OP. It sounds like you're all in a strange set up. She's threatened by your easy friendship, that's up to them to work out and you need to back off.