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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Close male friend's partner doesn't seem to like me

131 replies

neverendingqueue · 31/01/2023 16:43

Amd it's affecting out friendship.
We're friends for over ten years.
I was married and even when I was , our friendship never changed. We work together.
Friend and I are always texting and chatting
And confide in each other about the usual bits and pieces in life.
He is with partner four years and they are happy and live together.
He is asexual, she isn't but has accepted this is the way things are.
Their business.
I've met her once.
My friend and I were chatting and laughing about something. My own partner was there too but at the bar at the time.
She physically moved her body in between the two of us , put her arms around his waist and started talking to him... literally her back to me.
He was mortified and so was I so I quickly moved away.
The rest of the night she literallly hung off him making sure we couldn't talk. It was weird .
I was due with another friend to dry at theirs for a night out recently . Other friend could t make it so he cancelled it. Cancelled me coming on my own which we would always have done previously.
He was a little mcomfortable saying it . I was fine and didn't acknowledge how unusual it was for us but it transpires that she wasn't going to be there so maybe she would t allow it .
I'm ten years older than him, absolutely no threat whatsoever , plain and a bit frumpy. She is gorgous and glam
So no jealousy there I expect 😂
What do you think happened ?
He won't ' go there' with me.

OP posts:
Thereisnolight · 01/02/2023 19:24

Ah, the wide-eyed, I just can’t understand it, mentionitis of it all

YouAreNotBatman · 01/02/2023 19:46

The asexual point is a red herring used to unfairly demonise the wife.

Did you even read the thread?
Only one being demonised is op’s friend (and asexuals).

The gf thought she could change someone’s sexual orientation.
She messed up.

PoseyFlump · 01/02/2023 19:58

rubberduckiee · 01/02/2023 19:07

The asexual point is a red herring used to unfairly demonise the wife.

I understand generally venting to a friend about sexual incompatibility.

But... Even if my partner and I were both equally ragingly horny, but had a disagreement on what type of sex acts we each prefer, I wouldn't want my husband's female bestie saying this about me:

"He did tell her from the beginning that pussy eating was off the cards and while he loves her and her body , the physical acts surrounding eating her out repulse him.

It's like he enjoys the visuals but the acts turn his stomach."

If she knows this level of detail about our sex life and much more, plus if they're always texting 24/7 and working together... Well, my relationship preferences don't extend to a threesome 🤣

👏👏 just because you're asexual it doesn't give you a free pass on being a prick.

category12 · 01/02/2023 21:35

YouAreNotBatman · 01/02/2023 19:46

The asexual point is a red herring used to unfairly demonise the wife.

Did you even read the thread?
Only one being demonised is op’s friend (and asexuals).

The gf thought she could change someone’s sexual orientation.
She messed up.

I think he's messing up just as badly - why would you get into a relationship with someone who wants sex, children & marriage, when you don't? You think you're that great that they should give up such a lot of their needs to be with you?! 😬

I think if you're asexual it's wrong to be fishing in the sexual pool. It just sets the relationship up for painful mismatch.

Of course the woman is also being foolish to put her needs aside.

I am more sympathetic to her, however, as women are still largely socialised to put other people's (men's) wants/needs ahead of their own and to sacrifice for the sake of being in relationships.

journeyofinsanity · 01/02/2023 23:13

xJoyPeaceHealthx · 31/01/2023 18:36

@Opentooffers I agree with open to offers @neverendingqueue If he's really asexual then there's not a massive difference between their relationship and your friendship.

He didn't need to tell you he's asexual. That might embarrass her. I think somehow it's disloyal to her. Even if your friendship is not much different from his relationship, it's private that they don't have sex, but he told you. That's a bit shabby.

It sounds like he told OP he was asexual way be for the gf was on the scene. They are great long lasting friends. Why wouldn't he tell her he was asexual? It's unusual you think 'he didn't have to tell you he is asexual'. No he didn't have to. But it's also completely reasonable that he did much as it would be reasonable for someone to mention that they are gay or bi to a close friend.

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:46

She’s clearly insecure in the relationship and who can blame her when he’s claiming to be asexual. I mean for me that’s what connects you to a partner over a friend, sex. If I wasn’t having regular sex with my bf then he would just be another good friend of mine, and I have many. What makes him different is that we are emotionally & physically connected. She doesn’t have that connection so is probably wary of your friendship and threatened by it. Maybe he has told her that he used to have a crush on you. Again odd if he’s asexual.

YouAreNotBatman · 02/02/2023 07:06

category12 · 01/02/2023 21:35

I think he's messing up just as badly - why would you get into a relationship with someone who wants sex, children & marriage, when you don't? You think you're that great that they should give up such a lot of their needs to be with you?! 😬

I think if you're asexual it's wrong to be fishing in the sexual pool. It just sets the relationship up for painful mismatch.

Of course the woman is also being foolish to put her needs aside.

I am more sympathetic to her, however, as women are still largely socialised to put other people's (men's) wants/needs ahead of their own and to sacrifice for the sake of being in relationships.

Show quote history

Because, I’m guessing he like her.
He was honest all along.

And you conveniently skipped the part where she wanted to change him.

She’s a fool, perhaps abusive too.

YouAreNotBatman · 02/02/2023 07:10

Zanatdy · 02/02/2023 06:46

She’s clearly insecure in the relationship and who can blame her when he’s claiming to be asexual. I mean for me that’s what connects you to a partner over a friend, sex. If I wasn’t having regular sex with my bf then he would just be another good friend of mine, and I have many. What makes him different is that we are emotionally & physically connected. She doesn’t have that connection so is probably wary of your friendship and threatened by it. Maybe he has told her that he used to have a crush on you. Again odd if he’s asexual.

that’s what connects you to a partner over a friend, sex

Well, that’s very sad, for you.
But this is not everyone,

Maybe he has told her that he used to have a crush on you. Again odd if he’s asexual.

Asexuals can have crushes just like everyone.

he’s claiming to be asexual

’claim’? What is this garbage?
He’s telling what his sexual orientation is.
Do think people ’claim’ to be bi or gay/lesbian?

DietCroak · 02/02/2023 11:37

I feel terribly sorry for the girlfriend who appears to have given up a huge amount (sex, children) to be with a man who won't marry her because he's too worried about his money. Only a woman with zero self-esteem would even consider this set up, and this lack of self-esteem may be the root of her issue with you, op. That said, it also sounds as if you don't have great boundaries re them as a couple. In your shoes, I'd step back. In her shoes, I'd run.

category12 · 02/02/2023 16:09

YouAreNotBatman · 02/02/2023 07:06

Because, I’m guessing he like her.
He was honest all along.

And you conveniently skipped the part where she wanted to change him.

She’s a fool, perhaps abusive too.

Show quote history

By the same logic, I'm guessing she likes him 🙄- but doesn't mean it's right for them to be in a relationship.

As has been very clear in this thread, lots of people don't really understand asexuality, and a lot of people buy into the notion that it'll be different with them, or that love conquers all, or that love is transformative. We don't know how she "tried to change him sexually" - it could have been asking him to try therapy, so big jump to say she's abusive.

She's been honest, he's been honest - they don't want the same things, but it's her that giving up things to be with him, not him - he's giving up nothing. I think he's a jerk to take her sacrifice. I think she's silly to make it.

YouAreNotBatman · 02/02/2023 19:25

We don't know how she "tried to change him sexually" - it could have been asking him to try therapy, so big jump to say she's abusive.

That would be a horrible/ abusive thing to do, so your excample doesn’t make sense @category12

Anyway, it’s really sad for the man, being open and vulnerable all along and (luckily he’s not here to read them) having all these accusations.
Most the comments are really awful and honetly very worrysome.
Life as an ace is already hard enough, and horrible attitudes as we can see here really doesn’t make it easier.

People should read about compulsory sexuality and how damaging it can be.

category12 · 02/02/2023 19:57

I don't think asking someone to try therapy is abusive 🤔. You're expecting everyone to know and understand it as an immutable orientation, and lots of people don't know or understand it as that.

Why's he dating women who are not also asexual? Isn't that just as invalidating of their orientation?

Both people have been open and vulnerable.

PoseyFlump · 02/02/2023 20:33

I think if you're asexual it's wrong to be fishing in the sexual pool. It just sets the relationship up for painful mismatch.

Clearly being asexual trumps all other forms of sexuality if this thread is anything to go by and you're being mean if you don't buy into that ideology. Either that or the OP's friend is a narcissistic dick who likes playing with women's emotions.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 02/02/2023 20:37

Why's he dating women who are not also asexual? Isn't that just as invalidating of their orientation?

Because he met her and liked her? Why did she start to date someone who is ace?
She needs to take responsibility if she’s not happy.

And no, like it has already said many times - asexuals can and do feel romantic attraction, so they can and will date.

I understan that you do not want to learn anything but try and keep up.

And also, asking asexual to go to theraphy would be abusive (if it was about to turn them into allo that is). It’s same as conversion therapy.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 02/02/2023 20:40

PoseyFlump · 02/02/2023 20:33

I think if you're asexual it's wrong to be fishing in the sexual pool. It just sets the relationship up for painful mismatch.

Clearly being asexual trumps all other forms of sexuality if this thread is anything to go by and you're being mean if you don't buy into that ideology. Either that or the OP's friend is a narcissistic dick who likes playing with women's emotions.

What are you on about?
Most of the comments here are nothing but shouting abuse at the op’s friend / asexuality in general.

And notice how op let all that slide, which makes me wonder if that was her goal.
To soed hatred towards asexuals.
The whole thing seems like a troll.

category12 · 02/02/2023 20:43

CantAskAnyoneElse · 02/02/2023 20:37

Why's he dating women who are not also asexual? Isn't that just as invalidating of their orientation?

Because he met her and liked her? Why did she start to date someone who is ace?
She needs to take responsibility if she’s not happy.

And no, like it has already said many times - asexuals can and do feel romantic attraction, so they can and will date.

I understan that you do not want to learn anything but try and keep up.

And also, asking asexual to go to theraphy would be abusive (if it was about to turn them into allo that is). It’s same as conversion therapy.

But by the same token, she met him and liked him?!

And yes, asexuals might feel romantic attraction and want to date, but don't you think that's rather unfair on the other person to pursue a relationship if they're not also asexual? Because you're then asking them to give up or suppress their sexuality. You're incompatible with each other.

PoseyFlump · 03/02/2023 06:13

@CantAskAnyoneElse it is not right for someone to be above criticism for their behaviour just because of their 'sexuality'. We all have a bloody sexuality. It is the 'pussy eating' comments and bragging about inheritance and seemingly stringing along two women that I am judging him on.

But I do agree with you on one thing. I rather wonder if this is a bit of a reverse and the OP wanted us to criticise him.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 09:07

@PoseyFlump
it is not right for someone to be above criticism for their behaviour just because of their 'sexuality'.

But none can do much about what sexuality they were born with.
Be it staight, ace, bi or gay.
I don’t know why you put quotes.

We all have a bloody sexuality
Yeah, and to some, it’s asexuality.
I’m not sure whay you are so aggressive about it.

@category12
I can’t help you, if you don’t want to learn there is nothing anyone can do.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 09:07

@PoseyFlump
it is not right for someone to be above criticism for their behaviour just because of their 'sexuality'.

But none can do much about what sexuality they were born with.
Be it staight, ace, bi or gay.
I don’t know why you put quotes.

We all have a bloody sexuality
Yeah, and to some, it’s asexuality.
I’m not sure whay you are so aggressive about it.

@category12
I can’t help you, if you don’t want to learn there is nothing anyone can do.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 09:08

@PoseyFlump
it is not right for someone to be above criticism for their behaviour just because of their 'sexuality'.

But none can do much about what sexuality they were born with.
Be it staight, ace, bi or gay.
I don’t know why you put quotes.

We all have a bloody sexuality
Yeah, and to some, it’s asexuality.
I’m not sure whay you are so aggressive about it.

@category12
I can’t help you, if you don’t want to learn there is nothing anyone can do.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 09:11

@PoseyFlump
it is not right for someone to be above criticism for their behaviour just because of their 'sexuality'.

But none can do much about what sexuality they were born with.
Be it staight, ace, bi or gay.
I don’t know why you put quotes.

We all have a bloody sexuality
Yeah, and to some, it’s asexuality.
I’m not sure whay you are so aggressive about it.

@category12
I can’t help you, if you don’t want to learn there is nothing anyone can do.

asking them to give up or suppress their sexuality
To use your words on the same token, she chose to ’give up’ and ’suppress’
If she’d not okey with that, maybe shouldn’t have done it. Again that is not on him.

CantAskAnyoneElse · 03/02/2023 09:14

But I do agree with you on one thing. I rather wonder if this is a bit of a reverse and the OP wanted us to criticise him.

Going by on to what Op replied to, I think this thread was to spark aphobia.
Asexuality is been more talked about these days (thankfully) and it and not having sex in general tend to make some people angry.
So this thread wad some propaganda.

DietCroak · 03/02/2023 09:40

Has anyone said nasty things about asexuals? (Genuine question- apologies if I have missed them.) I took the criticism of the chap to be about his behaviour towards his girlfriend (not marrying her to protect his money, blabbing to OP about their personal lives etc) rather than anything about his asexuality.

MichelleScarn · 03/02/2023 10:02

As did I @DietCroak.

As to the use of terminology, is the term allosexual one that I have to accept as I don't want to be labeled really, or do I not get included in what labels are being put on me by others?

PoseyFlump · 03/02/2023 11:21

@CantAskAnyoneElse are you having trouble reading? (You're clearly having trouble posting)

The point is, not everyone feels the need to shout about their sexuality or use it as an excuse for behaving shitty (see my previous comment about pussy eating etc)

You are a shining example of what I am saying. You are focusing all on the sexuality and not the shitty way this man is playing two women off against each other.